DHs cupboard protest- is this passive aggressive or what is it?

[leopardandspots]

Not very Christmassy, but I’m pondering DHs behaviour yesterday. DCs ( teenage and student ) are not awake yet! I would like to know what sort of behaviour this is .. and most of all why? It may seem petty, but i found it disconcertingly weird.

Yesterday DH offered to cook a Christmas Eve lunch. This involved doing some veggies and heating a pre prepared fish pie.
I think he offered because our friends were over & suggested going for a walk. DH said his foot hurt and he was happy to stay home and cook the simple lunch. In the end some of the older DC didn’t come on the walk and so were home too.

Before I left I gave people a mulled gin, and prepared a Christmassy table with a flower arrangement, red table cloth etc.DH refused the mulled gin (even though it’s been our discovery this Christmas) .

I didn’t unload the dishwasher as I think it was still going.

When I got back from the walk DH had unloaded the dishwasher. But he did some really weird stuff. For example the sieve and saucepans were not in the cupboard next to the oven as usual. The saucepan was wedged in the small top cupboard where just we keep glasses - just balanced on top of the glasses .

The saucepan lids and measuring jug were in the cupboard where we normally keep plates and bowls - the pan lids were sort of balanced on top of the plates.

I was puzzled & thought it might have been our friends’ student age children helping put stuff away?
I said ‘Who’s put the saucepans & stuff in here’.
DH said ‘ I think that was me’. I asked him Why and he said
“ I just shoved them in anywhere. That’s ok isn’t it?”
I said “ It’s a bit odd, but I suppose we can have a more fluid system if you like? ” He replied “ It’s pretty fluid anyway isn’t it?”

Clearly he’s making some kind of point- I’ve asked for an explanation but didn’t get one.

We’ve had problems in the past but I’m feeling that Im basically teaching the DD’s that you have to try and anticipate issues that might upset men and try and accommodate whatever it is they don’t like. Even if as I’m the case I don’t know what I did wrong. Other than going for a walk and leaving him to cook maybe? But he offered!

As someone who had a dishwasher who caught fire he has a point. The engineer who came out to us said never run a dishwasher or tumble dryer overnight. I won’t even have them on if we go out the house.

Though I guess the point is would he normally have an issue with it running while you’re in bed or is this new? Because if it’s new he’s passive aggressively making a point.

There are three other follow up threads by this poster too:-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking

Abusers can be nice sometimes OP but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one.

What did you say to him as he lay alone in the dark clutching the fire extinguisher waiting for the dishes to wash?

He sounds slightly deranged. Wtf didn't he just turn the dishwasher off and come to bed if he was that bothered. Has he always been
like this?

1. He couldn't find something when he was'making' the fish pie lunch (which he blames you for) hence his putting things in obscure places.
2. You have had fun with guests who make it clear they like you. He is Billy-no-mates as no one cared if he joined in or not. For this he is punishing you for not fussing over him and enjoying life with the others.

A couple of things -

Are you sure he wasn’t covering for a young guest who rammed things in the wrong place? Took responsibility because he didn’t want to embarrass them? Still odd though.

And the dishwasher thing seems really very passive aggressive if you usually leave it on when you go to bed. A sort of poor me having to wait up because you didn’t put this on at the exact moment I told you to do so.

It would be worth sitting down with him after everyone has left and staying there until you understand what’s going on.

He is passive aggressive. Not coming to bed is one of the withdrawals tactics - withdrawal of affection - possibly also a sulk.

What could be going on in his head - is total contempt of you that he is unable to articulate - he may not even be able to pinpoint what you “have done wrong” - just a simmering anger. So he punishes by being passive aggressive - passive because he doesn’t say anything (afraid of confrontation/conflict/anger) aggressive by conducting constant little acts of quiet sabotage.

It’s basically a communication issue - all he needs to be is assertive, play with a straight bat and be honest - rather than suppressing and festering some slight.

Does he drink?

What was his upbringing like?

I can't figure this one out. He's either having some kind of a breakdown or else doing it deliberately. Both are equally worrying

Did he have a v controlling mother and/or angry Dad?

The “protest” is real and is a resistance to you. It could have been any incident - nothing to do with the DW per se.

He wants to have a fight but he wants you to start it. He has suppressed anger but needs you to express it for him.

Is he generally uptight and fake “nice guy” to family and friends but moody, avoidant and dismissive at home to you and your girls?

He was definitely having a go, in a PA way, rather than speak up directly - possibly because he was vaguely aware 'it' would sound ridiculous if he tried to put it into words.

His line It’s pretty fluid anyway isn’t it? was his point, I think (or could have been a general 'having a go' line). Either he thinks you put things away 'wrong' or stack the dishwasher 'wrong', or he was angry that, having offered to one job (make lunch), he found he had to do another too (empty the dishwasher), which he saw as your job. Does he see domestic work as your job and himself as magnanimously 'helping', generally?

The dishwasher fire risk he's kind of right about - but he could just have stopped it. Or paid attention and put it on earlier himself / checked with you why it wasn't on earlier. He's judging you for not doing 'your tasks' properly and punishing you - as opposed to trying to understand why things are done as they are, or getting involved, so being in a position to take equal responsibility for such decisions.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H
The 4th one with links to other ones

Even if he was being entirely reasonable about waiting up for the dishwasher to finish (), then why wasn't he reading or watching telly or pottering about while he waited? Lying on the sofa in the dark does seem really daft and, unless that's how he likes to relax normally, like he's doing it just to prove some kind of point.

The lying in the dark on the sofa and not coming to bed is a withdrawal tactic sulky thing he's done on occasion before -when there's been some issue. Not over the dishwasher though.

I just said I didn't forget when you asked me to put it on. It seemed logical to wait for the next ( imminent) round of plates - that is why I put it on later on. Then I just said you seem very preoccupied by the dishwasher at the moment. He said I'm just illogical then aren't I?

He does have a very controlling Dad (who we are now visiting actually). I do think his lack of a role model there is profoundly influential. But I always though DH was better than his Dad.

DHs “protests” are like suppressed anger and uptightness mostly against me though. I have previously said to him I don't think you'd be so disengaged or disrespectful to your work colleagues as you can be with me and the children.

Definitely read the "divorcing sulking H" threads

Sat sulking due to the fire risk?!?!? 😂😂😂😂
Wtaf????

Do you understand what absolutely abnormal PA bullshit this is....?

Take from this what you will, but I am very familiar with the behaviour you are describing from your dh, having just left my 2 decade marriage with a controlling emotional abuser. It is so crazy making because to the person the behaviour is directed at, it is pretty clear that the dh (or whoever)is upset about something but you don't know exactly what, only that there is now a funny knot in your stomach and you are feeling a sense of urgency to solve whatever the problem is. To onlookers e.g. your guests, there is nothing in the behaviour to draw their attention to there being an issue between their hosts, so there is nothing concrete to pin your unease on and dh doesn't look like an ass to your friends. I am betting that the issue is that he is thoroughly enraged that not only did you have the nerve to take him up on his offer to prepare the meal, but then had the gall to skip off with his appreciative audience instead of begging him to join you on the walk. Either that or he intended, as a previous poster said, to sit on his ass and have some time to himself and he is mad that some of the kids stayed back too and he wasn't able to do what he wanted. To me, the "That's ok, isn't it?" is, as some other posters have said, designed to provoke you into disagreeing so that you are now starting a fight, not him. Then, if it's anything like the relationship I have just left, any attempt by you to deny you are trying to start an argument will be swiftly cut off as you are accused of "not letting it go". Or he can accuse YOU of being controlling seeing as you failed to empty the (still running) dishwasher and are now 'criticising' his way of putting dishes away (in such a ludicrous manner that people are questioning his health). The dishwasher thing gives me the rage on your behalf too. If it was my stbxh, the moping in the dark would definitely be something that was all my fault by having the balls to put on the dishwasher when I (as a competent adult in my own home)decided to instead of as directed, like a good little domestic appliance.
With regard to the meal prep when all the adults were out the house on a walk, ponder this - "If a narcissist does a good deed and nobody is there to lavish praise, did it even happen?"

Sorry for the long post - just revelling in my newfound clarity after so many years of being on the receiving end of this entitled, controlling man baby behaviour (my stbxh had a father similar to the FIL you describe, by the way, and I mistakenly congratulated myself for a long time that my partner was different). No, just smarter at hiding it.

"illogical" oh fuck off. He's a twat.

Oh, I couldn't be bothered with him. Pathetic thing to do.

I've been reading the threads that were recommended and have immense respect for the OP on those threads. I do see lots of similarities, the sulking, resenting me yet being nice to others.

One of the articles resonated with me " Some passive aggressive people may have no idea they are so difficult to live with. Others are deliberate in their manipulative endeavours and know exactly how to get their own way. In any case, they generally have no knowledge of when, or why, they defaulted to this behaviour. It is likely that the root of this personality trait lies in childhood when, feeling overwhelmed by a disciplinarian or authority figure, a person develops methods of surreptitiously getting back at those who have power over them in ways which are covert or hidden, so as not to directly provoke further chastisement or rebuke."

I do think he does this. He perceives me as having all the power and so resents me as he must have done his Dad.

We've had a further incident last night and today where I ended up doing 2 x three hour trips helping the DC get to where they needed to be.DH did one two hour trip.

When we got back the car had a rattle DH looked and said a plate under the car was loosened with a damaged bolt. I said we could take it to Kwik fit before they close to see if they could help. He huffed and said "I'll take it then" but said it in a really cross way. I said it's not worth it if you're going to go but then be moody with everyone -so I'm dealing with it.

Why does he think you have all the power?

I'd say it's just a habit he's gotten into. Did he does this for the first 2 years of your relationship?

He's cast you as 'parent figure' as he perceives any adult he lives with thus, because he's cast himself as eternal 'done to' child.

He didn't learn the beginnings of how to assert himself as an equal in childhood. Then hasn't developed those skills among his peers in young adulthood, in the way most people do. He didn't go through a proper teenage rebellion to separate himself and his self-identity from his parents, so is stuck as eternal resentful child.

That's a bit of a guess but I know someone like this and it fits.

The answer is to point out that he's an adult, who chose to marry you and to do to everything else in his adult life. He needs to take responsibility for his own, adult, decisions and behaviour.

Obviously that won't just happen. You can refuse to be cast as his parent though. You'd have to pull him up on this nonsense, constantly. Or properly ignore his ridiculous behaviour, in a way that makes clear that you are not affected and he is playing childish games only with himself.

And doing all the work to avoid his moods is giving him what he wants and 'acting the grown up' to his petulant child.

You need to be able to say 'yes, you do that, I've already done / will do this, that sounds fair'. Then properly ignore / pull him up on any moodiness.