DHs cupboard protest- is this passive aggressive or what is it?

[leopardandspots]

Not very Christmassy, but I’m pondering DHs behaviour yesterday. DCs ( teenage and student ) are not awake yet! I would like to know what sort of behaviour this is .. and most of all why? It may seem petty, but i found it disconcertingly weird.

Yesterday DH offered to cook a Christmas Eve lunch. This involved doing some veggies and heating a pre prepared fish pie.
I think he offered because our friends were over & suggested going for a walk. DH said his foot hurt and he was happy to stay home and cook the simple lunch. In the end some of the older DC didn’t come on the walk and so were home too.

Before I left I gave people a mulled gin, and prepared a Christmassy table with a flower arrangement, red table cloth etc.DH refused the mulled gin (even though it’s been our discovery this Christmas) .

I didn’t unload the dishwasher as I think it was still going.

When I got back from the walk DH had unloaded the dishwasher. But he did some really weird stuff. For example the sieve and saucepans were not in the cupboard next to the oven as usual. The saucepan was wedged in the small top cupboard where just we keep glasses - just balanced on top of the glasses .

The saucepan lids and measuring jug were in the cupboard where we normally keep plates and bowls - the pan lids were sort of balanced on top of the plates.

I was puzzled & thought it might have been our friends’ student age children helping put stuff away?
I said ‘Who’s put the saucepans & stuff in here’.
DH said ‘ I think that was me’. I asked him Why and he said
“ I just shoved them in anywhere. That’s ok isn’t it?”
I said “ It’s a bit odd, but I suppose we can have a more fluid system if you like? ” He replied “ It’s pretty fluid anyway isn’t it?”

Clearly he’s making some kind of point- I’ve asked for an explanation but didn’t get one.

We’ve had problems in the past but I’m feeling that Im basically teaching the DD’s that you have to try and anticipate issues that might upset men and try and accommodate whatever it is they don’t like. Even if as I’m the case I don’t know what I did wrong. Other than going for a walk and leaving him to cook maybe? But he offered!

I reckon he was just being a dick as he discovered that he was expected to unload the dishwasher as well as cook lunch.
Meanwhile you were off enjoying yourself.
Pathetic behaviour on his part.

Ask him. Say "it's really odd that you'd put a pan away on top of the glasses, and a bit dangerous. Should we be checking you out with the doctor?" And see what he comes back with. Keep a mildly confused look on your face.

But if you're getting used to walking on eggshells, and if you don't feel comfortable or safe asking him what the hell is going on, then you really shouldn't be staying

How unusual and dickish. He was trying to pick a fight for whatever reason, I'm laughing at how deflated he must have been when you weren't bothered and said his new "fluid" system was just fine.

If this is for real and I highly suspect it isn’t, why on earth are you teaching your dd’s to anticipate issues that may upset men and accommodate them. Which era do you think we’re living in? Come join the rest of us, it’s much more fun.

And I’d be telling Your dh your making an appointment at the doctors for him as your concerned about his behaviour.

It’s called twatery if you must label it but defining it doesn’t change it.

Lol, only on mumsnet can a man cooking lunch but emptying the dishwasher wrong = being abusive

So you think it's completely normal for someone, in their own house, to put the dishes in random, stupid places when it would've just as easy to out them away properly? You really can't see that he did it on purpose to piss of the OP?

You really can't see that he did it on purpose to piss of the OP?

It’s possible but not probable and I prefer not to jump to exaggerated conclusions accusing the husband of domestic abuse. There is no evidence he did it on purpose to piss off the OP nor that he is an absuive partner. That’s you and others projecting.

People DO NOT put pans on top of glasses, PlanDeRaccordement

Sounds like the sort if thing my dh would do. Not for any reason, just because put away somewhere is put away. And he has done cast iron pans on top of delicate stuff beczuse he just doesnt think.

There is no evidence he did it on purpose to piss off the OP nor that he is an absuive partner. That’s you and others projecting.

Actually there is:

I’m feeling that Im basically teaching the DD’s that you have to try and anticipate issues that might upset men and try and accommodate whatever it is they don’t like. Even if as I’m the case I don’t know what I did wrong.

Why would the OP feel like this if the situation wasn't somewhat abusive?

You lot are completely amazing.

To be honest him doing that had really freaked me out. It was like he was cracking up - or was turning into a Julia Roberts "sleeping with the enemy" character.

I normally do everyday cooking for the DC and stuff and he does often do things like a special roast because he's very good at it and likes it a certain way!

I just took this suggestion:

Either that or keep the new fluid system going. Put things away in really odd places for the next few weeks with a cheery smile.

I just put his special hexagonal coffee percolator thingy on the cat food shelf with a cheery smile (instead of the end of of the cupboard with the coffee and tea things).

Thank you so much. You have given me a sense of perspective already. I still don't know what he was annoyed about but he seems less weird today.

Personally I would be balancing that saucepan on top of the glasses every time from now on.

Put his newly washed clothes somewhere really obnoxious until he stops behaving like a prick.

Why would the OP feel like this if the situation wasn't somewhat abusive?

Lol. Feelings are not evidence and half the time we can’t trust them. Every rom com movie harps on this fact of life.
For example, I can feel abandoned on purpose because my DH never showed up for something. But that doesn’t mean I was purposely abandoned. It could mean they had a car accident, or I told them the wrong day/time (miscommunication), or they did forgot or one of our kids had an emergency or any number of other reasons behind why something happened.

We don’t know why he did what he did. And to say with any certainty...yes he’s abusive, yes it was on purpose to piss off the op, are all jumping to conclusions. They are possibilities, not definites

People DO NOT put pans on top of glasses,

At least one person has. The question is why? And if I were the OP, I’d be asking both why and what happened? I’d not automatically assume it was a passive aggressive attack on me because presumably a husband and wife have some affection and respect for each other.

He could have been in a panic to get it done before everyone got home
He could have delegated it to a young child who just had no idea where things go and he forgot to quality check
He could have had difficulty bending low & balancing to put pans away due to his sore foot and thought anywhere was better than out on the counter.
He could be unwell (as others have also suggested)
He could be a dick.
But we don’t know that it’s definite he’s a dick. That seems to be the go to answer on mumsnet these days. Man does anything wrong and instantly hordes of women are assuming he’s done it because he’s a dick. If no allowance is made for the possibility of any innocent explanation, that is very narrow minded and cynical.

What I found most chilling was your response, OP. How placating you were.

I've got my son back from University and staying with he. If he (or any other adult) threw this shit, I'd be asking, 'on what planet does a saucepan go on top of glasses?' I think most people would respond this way, not go down the, 'I suppose we can have a more fluid system' road. How the hell will you know where anything is?

You are on so many eggshells, but you are so busy placating him you aren't seeing it. A 'simple lunch' - are those the only ones it is acceptable for men to cook? Your unwillingness to address this directly.

Those are all signs. The signs the 'Only on Mumsnet' people don't see - and I hope they stay lucky, and never learn to see them. I hope you see them now.

Life is better when you don't tiptoe. Then they have to actually get over it if they are a decent human being.

Unwound also be putting clothes / toiletries /chargers / whatever in "fluid places"

I still think he is an Utter weirdo and agree with @ChristmasFluff.

I’m feeling that Im basically teaching the DD’s that you have to try and anticipate issues that might upset men and try and accommodate whatever it is they don’t like

To be fair this is a reasonable lesson to teach regarding anyone of any gender. Being accommodating while still standing up for your own autonomy and opinions is a hard balance to work out and it takes practice, but it makes sense for children to err on the side of being accommodating until they are mature.

My husband puts things away oddly when we have visitors. He just wants everything out of sight ASAP so I find things in weird places for weeks after he's done this.

Maybe your husband was focusing more on the "put away quickly" bit than the "do the job right first time" bit.

Thank you to everyone for posting on Christmas Day.

Having behaved weirdly yesterday he’s been ‘normal ‘ today. On the one hand I think I’m quite a strong person and can ignore him or tell him off. On the other hand I regularly tiptoe / tread on eggshells around him.

The post this morning about him being too important to concern himself with piffling trifles such as where things are supposed to go seems to capture his tone. There was some element of something he thought that I should have done in the first place but I’m not sure what that was!

It’s made me think that I need to stop feeling a need to keep him happy. His happiness seems very elusive anyway.

I don’t think accommodating men is behaviour I've learned from childhood. I think it’s about DH specifically.

Yesterday he was definitely trying to "punish" me for something but I don’t know what it was.

I’ve got lots to think about..as I’m worried about the lesson my DDs are taking from exchanges like this.

Unmumsnetty hugs to all the wonderful women out there who are coping with worse behaviour over Christmas and beyond.

Hi OP Have you had a name change fail in your last post?

Pffff what a weird man he is.
I would also just put everything in new places very weird ones. If my OH did that it would have been a joke obviously lol.
Nobody is that weird haha.
But at the time I would have told him I'll give him a tour of the kitchen presses so that he doesn't embarrass himself in front of friends again.

I'd say he just wanted to show your friends that he normally wouldn't do these 'womanly jobs around as he is the man of the house after all. But instead it was embarrassing.

I think you need to search for threads called divorce my sulking husband
There 4 threads.
But they are very eye opening.

Thank you everyone.

I'd like to read the recommended threads about the sulky DH but can't find them? Are they in relationships and who is the poster please?

Mine has been polarised - some nice moments eg watching Paddington 2 with a tear in his eye. Then another slightly unusual dishwasher behaviour. He asked me to put it on when I went into the kitchen. I didn't do it until later, as we had a quick cheese on toast snack and there was more to go in.
Then after everyone else went to bed he didn't come upstairs and I found him lying on the sofa in the dark. He said he had to wait for the dishwasher to finish before coming to bed because of the fire risk. Odd but not as much as the last thing though.