DHs cupboard protest- is this passive aggressive or what is it?

[leopardandspots]

Not very Christmassy, but I’m pondering DHs behaviour yesterday. DCs ( teenage and student ) are not awake yet! I would like to know what sort of behaviour this is .. and most of all why? It may seem petty, but i found it disconcertingly weird.

Yesterday DH offered to cook a Christmas Eve lunch. This involved doing some veggies and heating a pre prepared fish pie.
I think he offered because our friends were over & suggested going for a walk. DH said his foot hurt and he was happy to stay home and cook the simple lunch. In the end some of the older DC didn’t come on the walk and so were home too.

Before I left I gave people a mulled gin, and prepared a Christmassy table with a flower arrangement, red table cloth etc.DH refused the mulled gin (even though it’s been our discovery this Christmas) .

I didn’t unload the dishwasher as I think it was still going.

When I got back from the walk DH had unloaded the dishwasher. But he did some really weird stuff. For example the sieve and saucepans were not in the cupboard next to the oven as usual. The saucepan was wedged in the small top cupboard where just we keep glasses - just balanced on top of the glasses .

The saucepan lids and measuring jug were in the cupboard where we normally keep plates and bowls - the pan lids were sort of balanced on top of the plates.

I was puzzled & thought it might have been our friends’ student age children helping put stuff away?
I said ‘Who’s put the saucepans & stuff in here’.
DH said ‘ I think that was me’. I asked him Why and he said
“ I just shoved them in anywhere. That’s ok isn’t it?”
I said “ It’s a bit odd, but I suppose we can have a more fluid system if you like? ” He replied “ It’s pretty fluid anyway isn’t it?”

Clearly he’s making some kind of point- I’ve asked for an explanation but didn’t get one.

We’ve had problems in the past but I’m feeling that Im basically teaching the DD’s that you have to try and anticipate issues that might upset men and try and accommodate whatever it is they don’t like. Even if as I’m the case I don’t know what I did wrong. Other than going for a walk and leaving him to cook maybe? But he offered!

He did it deliberately, which shows by his dickish 'that's ok isn't it' comment. I'd be asking what his problem actually is.

Problems in the past? Of the coercive controlling variety?

Walking on eggshells? Afraid to challenge? Confused by manipulation and ever-shifting goalposts? Not sure what's normal anymore? Not trusting yourself?

You're right, teaching your daughters that being coerced and controlled by a man is "love" would be a devastating legacy to leave them. This kind of behaviour should not exist in a healthy relationship.

They won't reach adulthood and suddenly understand what healthy relationships look like when their whole lives this has been modelled to them as normal.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Of course he did it on fucking purpose.
He's either punishing you for something only he knows about or trying to cause shit in front of the visitors.

He is abusive op.

but I’m feeling that Im basically teaching the DD’s that you have to try and anticipate issues that might upset men and try and accommodate whatever it is they don’t like

What the actual fuck? Are you joking?

Definitely on purpose.
My exh was a master at this shit. For him, at the start, it would likely have been that despite the offer to cook, I should have recognised his pain and done it for him regardless. How DARE I skip off and leave him suffering even though he told me to?!
Today is another day, hope you have a good one.

Unless there is a back story (other abusive behaviours) it could be just stupidity. My DC (28) is like this. He can't cope with doing two things at once and just doesn't have the mind set that there is a place for everything... then again as my child I could demand that he puts everything back in the right place (we never argued).

I would take this as “I’m so busy, here I am cooking a lunch for guests by myself - uhh, what’s this now?? I have to unload the dishwasher too? Well- I’m too important and busy to concern myself with piffling trifles such as where things are supposed to go! I’ll just shove them anywhere and then the Person Whose Job This Really Is can come and move them later whilst they reflect on how they should have done their Job properly in the first place and not expected someone as Important and Busy as me to have been bothered by it.”

Your title is probably the answer here. In it you describe his behaviour as a protest. In other words he was protesting when he put the stuff away. That’s your view of his behaviour.

The use of that word is something you need to unpack. It says a lot about the state of your marriage. Because he can only have protesting against you or something you have done.

The post it self is interesting. Like squirrels said it could just have been about the emptying of dishwasher. But you talked about him not going on the walk and his offer to cook a meal. Do they have more meaning to you? Do you see them as part of the protest?

The conversation between you was passive aggressive. It’s doesn’t bode well for the day. Your guests may be in for an uncomfortable Christmas. Both of you are simmering and unless you can resolve it, you are heading to big argument or a day of bickering.

The cause of your problems won’t be walks, pies or pots.

If he didn't seem snide or anything about this I would actually be concerned about his health. Sounds like temporary confusion to me. Any chance he could've got drunk while you went out? It's difficult to understand from your story if this was intentionally obtuse or just very very random. He could've had a mini stroke

DSS does this when he's asked to put things away, because he knows (or at the very least hopes) he won't be asked to do things as much if he does them wrong.

Since realising this is what he's doing, his plan has very much backfired.

Unless there is a back story (other abusive behaviours) it could be just stupidity.

It's not stupidity. Absolutely no-one thinks pans sit on top of glasses. Things in slightly the wrong place is likely, but this is calculated or he's unwell.

Urgh - what an arse! Very passive-aggressive, with a side of superiority complex.

I suspect that it is a dishwasher thing and he believes his loading method is superior to yours (or would be if he did it), therefore he has unloaded in a fashion which he believes will show you the error of his ways.

M&S food hall was full of this type on Monday - once a year shoppers, generally getting in everyone’s way, giving out to staff and hectoring their partners.

Have a lovely Christmas despite him!

Do you think he was trying to pick a fight with you?

I'm wondering if it's a health issue too. Any other weird behaviours that might suggest he's confused or forgetting stuff? How old is he?

Sounds like he was spoiling for a fight

Early onset dementia?

• error of your ways, obvs!

This is really very bizarre. If he is trying to make a point I can’t imagine what it might be? If my DH did that I wouldn’t be suggesting ‘a more fluid system’ I’d be saying ‘are you alright dear, do you need a check for dementia’?! Except he is the one who unloads the dishwasher 90% of the time.

I’m not sure what your context of the lunch means either? Is it that it was so easy he should have been able to cope with other things, would you not have questioned the saucepan on the glasses if it was a complicated lunch?

And to echo others, why are you teaching this to your DDs? Do you feel like you have to fix everything for your husband or there are repercussions?

On the face of it, either he is a wanker or he is unwell.

Sad to say my friend went similarly wierd and it turned out she had a brain tumour, pressing on things and so she was unable to behave in her usual way. She also developed a back/leg issue and limped badly. Good news is that she is fine now.

Hope everything turns out ok OP. I'm not diagnosing your DH by the way!

He's being very weird!

If in doubt imagine you were at a friends house and offered to make lunch whilst everyone else went out (because you felt ill or something). What would you do when the dishwasher finished?
a) leave the stuff in there as you don't know where anything goes?
b) open cupboards etc. and put things where they fit best?
c) randomly stuff things wherever to get it all away?

Answers a or b are what people would do.

If this is temporary behaviour I would suspect - something is seriously wrong health wise, or he's taking strong pain killers/other drugs. I have been seriously ill recently and when ill I would have inclined more towards a, but never would have done c.
If it is typical behaviour LTB might be the only real solution. Something to think about.

This was calculated deliberate behaviour on his part designed to wrong foot you.

What is he like to you day to day, how are you treated by him?.

It’s either dementia or petulance. I’m guessing the latter.

Are you afraid of him? Because he goaded you in saying “That’s OK isn’t it?” and most people would say “of course it fucking isn’t!” But you sort of simpered and said “yes darling, we can implement a more fluid system if you prefer”. That’s not normal. None of it is.

Sounds like panic work. So, he has a sore foot and has promised to cook the lunch. So he just relaxes until 20mins before you’re due to arrive back for lunch. He hobbles into the kitchen and realises he has to empty the dishwasher to get plates on the table for lunch. He doesn’t want you to know he’s doing it all in a hurry at last second, and he doesn’t want to let you down in front of the guests so he panic shoves things away so that all can appear to be done.
It’s like a child that is supposed to be cleaning their room. They lay in bed and read a comic book for an hour, then spend five minutes shoving everything under the bed and in a closet or wardrobe.

Lol, only on mumsnet can a man cooking lunch but emptying the dishwasher wrong = being abusive.

I doubt his foot is sore, just a ruse to get out of the walk.

Then again I’m a bitter old cynic