DHs cupboard protest- is this passive aggressive or what is it?

[leopardandspots]

Not very Christmassy, but I’m pondering DHs behaviour yesterday. DCs ( teenage and student ) are not awake yet! I would like to know what sort of behaviour this is .. and most of all why? It may seem petty, but i found it disconcertingly weird.

Yesterday DH offered to cook a Christmas Eve lunch. This involved doing some veggies and heating a pre prepared fish pie.
I think he offered because our friends were over & suggested going for a walk. DH said his foot hurt and he was happy to stay home and cook the simple lunch. In the end some of the older DC didn’t come on the walk and so were home too.

Before I left I gave people a mulled gin, and prepared a Christmassy table with a flower arrangement, red table cloth etc.DH refused the mulled gin (even though it’s been our discovery this Christmas) .

I didn’t unload the dishwasher as I think it was still going.

When I got back from the walk DH had unloaded the dishwasher. But he did some really weird stuff. For example the sieve and saucepans were not in the cupboard next to the oven as usual. The saucepan was wedged in the small top cupboard where just we keep glasses - just balanced on top of the glasses .

The saucepan lids and measuring jug were in the cupboard where we normally keep plates and bowls - the pan lids were sort of balanced on top of the plates.

I was puzzled & thought it might have been our friends’ student age children helping put stuff away?
I said ‘Who’s put the saucepans & stuff in here’.
DH said ‘ I think that was me’. I asked him Why and he said
“ I just shoved them in anywhere. That’s ok isn’t it?”
I said “ It’s a bit odd, but I suppose we can have a more fluid system if you like? ” He replied “ It’s pretty fluid anyway isn’t it?”

Clearly he’s making some kind of point- I’ve asked for an explanation but didn’t get one.

We’ve had problems in the past but I’m feeling that Im basically teaching the DD’s that you have to try and anticipate issues that might upset men and try and accommodate whatever it is they don’t like. Even if as I’m the case I don’t know what I did wrong. Other than going for a walk and leaving him to cook maybe? But he offered!

Very strange behaviour. Are you sure that there are no mental health issues at play?

lottiegarbanzo is 100% correct.

It has nothing to do with you, the dishwasher, the car, any incident. It is just his reactive stance from childhood that is not relevant now. My DH was like this. It drove me into a deep depression - my work load was duplicated because he did nothing and then it was duplicated further as he purposely went out of his way to undo or undermine everything I did. I ended up being provoked into anger through sheer exhaustion and frustration. It then looked like I was the loony tunes as I raised my voice whilst he sat their gloating. I did loads of research on this (look up “No More Mr Nice Guy and Living with The Passive Aggressive man - these changed my life). I shared all of this with him but he couldn’t/wouldn’t engage. We separated and then he had therapy when surprise surprise it was all about the controlling, angry parents (one a v angry alcoholic, the other a NPD alcoholic who controlled him as the golden child). He saw the light - changed his behaviour and grew emotionally and we got back together and all is good. I am cross with myself now for becoming a person I was not and not ending the marriage sooner. I am sad that my children lived in a v toxic environment, that their family fell apart - but I am proud that we put it back together - that we are v open with them about what happened - v aware that it has negatively impacted them - but we are able to call that out, preempt some stuff and deal with it. Our focus now is on healing the emotional injury we inflicted on our children. Don’t know how effective we will be but we do our best.

I think it's true his learning the beginnings of how to assert himself maturely didn't happen in childhood or later. I sometimes feel like he is developmentally frozen.

Last summer holiday we had this hugely embarrassing incident returning from a holiday at Luton airport. We were with oldest DD and her boyfriend and all chatting and laughing. We had wheelie bags and DH had a big sports type bag on his shoulder. So we got to the car a bit quicker. I think because our bags went in the boot first or because they weren't stacked 'properly' he felt there wasn't enough room for his bag. He started standing about a metre behind the car throwing his bag and coat in to the gap at the top which sort of caused stuff to fall out. He kind of did a dramatic performance of standing there laughing and throwing stuff in.Then he drove super slowly all the way home. The driving was a definite dig at me. I do often ask him to watch his speed but that time I hadn't said anything about driving speed. He just sort of bloody mindedly drove super slowly to make some kind of point in case I mentioned driving speed. I thought then he was unhinged.

Sorry that's a long time back but it reminded me of Christmas Eve and it helps to get it all down.

I had an XH who would have done something like the 'saucepan on glass' thing. He never lifted a finger in the house unless someone (not me) was there to see it. So he'd do elaborate things when we had visitors, like clean out the entire kitchen (to show not only how 'hands on' he was, but how useless I was at cleaning). He'd then 'tidy up' by ramming things into blatently unsuitable spaces (why should he bother to tidy up properly? I could sort it out when I stopped being lazy and sitting down and chatting to our visitors).

It was a huge, passive aggressive 'fuck you' to me. I suspect your DH is doing much the same.

That’s what PA is - often lots of little things that sound ridiculous to call out individually but they mount up over time. Make a list going back over the year and you will see a pattern. In my case I would blow a gasket at something silly and he had achieved his effort to make me look unhinged. But it was the emotionally dismissive and distant vibe that was cold and crushed me over time.

I'm probably reading too much into it but I think he has been worse when student/ teenage men are around.

Like he feels threatened or it triggers something.

Or he has to assert his dominance, as the Silverback of the group.

*years

Mine told me after his therapy that in his head he had constant seething resentment to anything I asked him to do - he said he actually thought I was a total c**t. He set up his resistance to absolutely everything that a v normal adult would do. This really made me think how I must have had such low self esteem to stay in that RS when all the vibes were so toxic to me - but the confusion was that this was never overt or articulated -
there was never any actual words or discussion as he would withdraw, sulk and stonewall.

Agree with the developmentally frozen. I am
not sure that he had any real insight of his behaviour before he had therapy and this focused 100% on his childhood.

Gutterton That is admirably honest of you both. Your children will surely be able to deal with any issues resulting from the difficult times more easily and directly because of your honesty, and the role model you provide by admitting what went on and getting help. They won't have to go through years or decades of thinking that any problems are just their own personality problems.

Yabu. Why do you highlight the simplicity/ease lunch so often? Or the fact that you poured gins? Then annoyed he didnt have one.

He made lunch, that was useful. He was shoving the dishes out of sight as you had guests. I doubt he was making a point or suggesting a new system. The fact he said "that's ok isnt it?" Suggests he was nervous of your reaction.

I didn't highlight the simplicity of the lunch often? I mentioned it once I think. I guess I mentioned it because I was feeling guilty for not cooking and was examining my role in why he was so cross.

The putting things in perverse places must have been in anger or suppressed anger. Like the throwing holiday bags in the boot of the car.

He is normally a bit OCD. Wipes surfaces even if they've just been done, is particular about things being just so. Dishwasher should be stacked properly, knives should be washed up by hand, no fabric conditioners on towels, only wooden coat hangers not wire etc. (Makes him sound psycho and I don't think he is.)

There's no way he would inadvertently or casually put things in different cupboards. He said
" that's alright isn't it" in a sarcastic, chippy way.

He is normally a bit OCD. Wipes surfaces even if they've just been done, is particular about things being just so. Dishwasher should be stacked properly, knives should be washed up by hand, no fabric conditioners on towels, only wooden coat hangers not wire etc. (Makes him sound psycho and I don't think he is.)

Is it OCD or is it controlling?? When you look at it in the context of everything else, I suspect it’s the latter.

@Gutterton, my story very similar but different outcome. I read the same books, shared with Ex, he went to counselling and his behaviour escalated so rather than passive anger it was full on aggression so I left. The divorce caused him to become much more vindictive.

Ex has more narcisstic traits however and was incapable of insight so I think counselling can't work for him as he is always the victim. Glad to see that someone was able to change with counselling but I suspect it is the minority.

Sounds more like OCPD than OCD to me, with a generous dose of passive aggression to get you to comply.

Er, knives should be washed by hand if they have separate material for the handle and blade, wire coat hangers will spoil your clothes and fabric conditioner on towels makes them slimy and less absorbent. These are hills in which I will die.

So he's behaving like a petulant child quite apart from that, and I'm honestly surprised you can let him anywhere near you - does he have ANY attractive qualities?

My husband has done things like this to make a point. In the end I just asked him to stop acting like a child and tell me what his problem is.

Or I just left it until he couldn't remember where those things were and I did (Because my memory isn't sh*t like his 😁).

@Techway it was v difficult for me and classic dismissive behaviour that he “saw the light” with a therapist but was unable to ever hear me - and the marriage had to fail and our children get hurt due to his stubbornness. But he sees this now and is grateful that it is resolved and he has had the chance to change and be the husband, father, person he should have been. I am sorry that it back fired on you - but knowledge is power - those books took away the confusion for me - it’s a bit like alcoholism (he was that as well) - once you know the process / big picture you know the trajectory - but only they are ever in control of the outcome.

Oh dear, OP, he does sound like a bit of a spoilt twat. I would have left the pan on the glases, then made sure to ask him to get me or other guests a glass rather frequently - that would have taken the shine off his petulant behaviour as he'd be the one dealing with the annoyance of it.

I would just ask him why he had done that again and again until he came up with a reasonable explanation. When he said "that's ok isn't it?" I would have replied with "Don't be so fucking ridiculous. What point are you making?".

In other words, talk to him not Mumsnet.

It might be an idea to keep a record of all his “odd” behaviour. If nothing else it might help you to identify a trigger.

Of course if you do identify a trigger it is not for you to amend your behaviour to accommodate him, but it might give you some warning

He doesn’t sound like a particularly pleasant person tbh

but knowledge is power completely agree. It is why forums such as MN is invaluable. For me I had to put the pieces together as PA is very covert and often projection. Ab example Ex would do the ultra slow driving when we were in a hurry to get somewhere. I stopped reacting as like you it just made me look unstable whilst he was just the careful driver.

Some of you seem to be completely misreading this situation - to me it sounds like blatant passive aggression.

Something annoyed him while you were out with your friends walking and tipped him over the edge from martyrdom to PA.

It was likely the way the dishwasher had been stacked or that the cupboards weren't as tidy as they should be (in his world). The saucepans and the 'that's ok isn't it' is an obvious dig that your standards aren't as high as his.

Likewise the refusing to come to bed until the dishwasher had finished - you were sloppy by not doing as you were told and now he has to bear the consequences.

This is only going to get worse OP.

I agree. Divorce

What interesting posts from everythingbackbutyou

"If a narcissist does a good deed and nobody is there to lavish praise, did it even happen?"

Food for thought.