DHs cupboard protest- is this passive aggressive or what is it?

[leopardandspots]

Not very Christmassy, but I’m pondering DHs behaviour yesterday. DCs ( teenage and student ) are not awake yet! I would like to know what sort of behaviour this is .. and most of all why? It may seem petty, but i found it disconcertingly weird.

Yesterday DH offered to cook a Christmas Eve lunch. This involved doing some veggies and heating a pre prepared fish pie.
I think he offered because our friends were over & suggested going for a walk. DH said his foot hurt and he was happy to stay home and cook the simple lunch. In the end some of the older DC didn’t come on the walk and so were home too.

Before I left I gave people a mulled gin, and prepared a Christmassy table with a flower arrangement, red table cloth etc.DH refused the mulled gin (even though it’s been our discovery this Christmas) .

I didn’t unload the dishwasher as I think it was still going.

When I got back from the walk DH had unloaded the dishwasher. But he did some really weird stuff. For example the sieve and saucepans were not in the cupboard next to the oven as usual. The saucepan was wedged in the small top cupboard where just we keep glasses - just balanced on top of the glasses .

The saucepan lids and measuring jug were in the cupboard where we normally keep plates and bowls - the pan lids were sort of balanced on top of the plates.

I was puzzled & thought it might have been our friends’ student age children helping put stuff away?
I said ‘Who’s put the saucepans & stuff in here’.
DH said ‘ I think that was me’. I asked him Why and he said
“ I just shoved them in anywhere. That’s ok isn’t it?”
I said “ It’s a bit odd, but I suppose we can have a more fluid system if you like? ” He replied “ It’s pretty fluid anyway isn’t it?”

Clearly he’s making some kind of point- I’ve asked for an explanation but didn’t get one.

We’ve had problems in the past but I’m feeling that Im basically teaching the DD’s that you have to try and anticipate issues that might upset men and try and accommodate whatever it is they don’t like. Even if as I’m the case I don’t know what I did wrong. Other than going for a walk and leaving him to cook maybe? But he offered!

• Even if, as in this case, I don't know what I did wrong.

Hes being deliberately obnoxious
Who.balances saucepans on top.of glasses- you risk breakages. He was trying to get at you.

Was he upset that noone would be there to see his marvellous kitchen (reheat) performance?

Sounds deliberately obnoxious to me too. But you probably took the wind out of his sails by saying you could adopt a more fluid system ; he probably was expecting you to start arguing.

If he has a problem he needs to say what the issue is and not act like a twat and I’d be insisting on an explanation and not letting it go until I got one. And then pointed out that he offered to cook lunch, that the dishwasher was still going so you couldn’t unload (he probably hasn’t realised that) and that what he did was knobbish.

Either that or keep the new fluid system going. Put things away in really odd places for the next few weeks with a cheery smile.

Very weird.

I'd not waste anytime trying to apply logic to it though, nor would I tip toe around upsetting him. Possibly that's what he wants you to do. You have done nothing wrong at all.

In my relationship I'd probably just say to my DH, surely after x number of years living here you know where the saucepan goes.

You shouldn't need to be watching what you say or do or trying to preempt what might upset him.

Sounds like he is trying to pick a fight and your comment about what you are teaching your DD’s suggests you feel that things are far from right but until now haven’t been prepared to mentally go there as the potential repercussions feel overwhelming. But I could be reading things into itnthat aren’t there.

Why on earth did you offer a more ‘fluid’ kitchen storage system?

Why did you feel it necessary to explain all that to us - the easy fish pie, etc - to get to the issue of your DH bring a knob about unpacking the dishwasher?

Doesn’t he cook or unpack the dishwasher generally?

Saucepan on glasses is a dickhead move.
Does he unload the dish washer /
Cook infrequently... ???
if so I'd be ensuring maaaaaany more ops to familiarise himself with the kitchen.
I wouldnt let this lie but I'm v stubborn

keep the new fluid system going. Put things away in really odd places for the next few weeks with a cheery smile.

^ this.

He sounds delightful. Is he always such an arse or does he usually do his fair share of cooking and domestic stuff?

Sorry, my post was all about you and not your DH’s weird behaviour! Apologies, OP - Merry Christmas. He’s the idiot, clearly. Don’t feel you need to appease idiotic behaviour. [santa]

How old is he?

You did nothing wrong. I've started standing up to my partner (or rather, not backing down) and he really doesn't like it. Hope you can stay strong and that today has some good moments.

Does he often do things to keep you on your toes? Do you feel you have to keep him happy? And does he feel the same towards you?

Were your friends there for this?
It sounds like he wanted to both show off himself "cooking" reheating lunch whilst you were lady of leisure (in his mind), this was thwarted by you setting up a lovely table. He then attempted to pick an argument in front of an audience. He wanted you to look unreasonable in front of your mutual friends.

How long has this behaviour been going on? Has anything changed in that timeframe?

I think he wants a medal for putting something away. But how to bring your attention to the fact that he has put something away? Put it somewhere deliberately awkward. And the bonus of he has caused you work in re-doing what he did wrong. Very passive aggressive on his part. How dare you enjoy company of friends away from him. He can't hear you gushing to the friends about how wonderful and helpful he is.
Nice comeback from you!

We’ve had problems in the past but I’m feeling that Im basically teaching the DD’s that you have to try and anticipate issues that might upset men and try and accommodate whatever it is they don’t like.

Please would you expand of this a little? How and why has it come about that you’re accommodating men’s preferences? Is it learned behaviour from childhood? Is it really about men collectively, or your DH specifically?

Is he 12?

He probably doesn't know where things normally go.

I hate my hubby unloading the dishwasher because then I can't find anything, he puts things in random places it seems, but it makes sense to him at the time

I would always ignore that sort of behaviour-or sulking-once you've asked and he didn't say. You can teach him that way to be straight, if he wants you to take an interest. Then you're teaching the DD how that sort of thing is best handled, should they come across it.

He probably doesn't know where things normally go.

This makes no sense at all. If I'm at a friend's house and help with the washing up, I don't know where things go but by the power of my eyes and a bit of logic I can deduce that if I see a cupboard with eg plates, it's likely that the plates we have just washed will also belong in that cupboard with the other plates.

And this is his own house. Anyone who claims not to know where things go in their own house is not being entirely truthful. He probably would claim not to be able to find the mug with the cupboards to put one away, but would magically be able to find it if he wanted to make himself a cup of tea.

That's properly weird. Shoving things in roughly the right places instead of putting things away perfectly wouldn't be weird, but balancing a pan in a high cupboard on top of glasses isn't easier than shoving it in the normal pan cupboard is it?

This is most likely weird passive aggressive behaviour to "punish" you for something as you say or a sign of something mentally not right - if it were part of a pattern and he was old enough to be in the at risk group it'd sound fitting with dementia...

I’m guessing the sore foot is key

He wanted to look good in front of your friends but didn’t want to actually do any work. So he volunteered to make the simple lunch

You were meant to mop his brow, tell him how brave he is & suggest he rest up (then YOU do all the work).

This implies that he never normally empties the dishwasher. Is this the case?