Not sure where I stand, or what to make of these Instagram posts.

[TheCatWithTheHat]

I've posted in another thread on here about how we've got to this point, but a brief summary is that I'm a 45 year old guy who has been dating someone for the last 3-4 months.

Things were going really well, but over the last couple of weeks, she's been going through some stressful times with a work-related issue, and has backed off and tells me she's too exhausted and stressed to have any energy to devote to a relationship. It's all been a bit "maybe, possibly, I think" so I don't quite know where I stand - the last thing she said was that "maybe we should leave it for a bit" so I'm not sure if that's her ending it or just wanting some time to sort her head out, but I've decided to just give her some space for now and see if she gets in touch. I'm finding this really tough as I really like her, and thought this was going to lead somewhere.

Anyway, she posts a fair bit on Instagram and put up a photo I took of her on our weekend away earlier this month with a mysterious hashtag that I took to be referring to me - something along the lines of "thisisforyou". She also quoted lyrics from my favourite band, which I took to be directed at me, as I had only told her I liked them at the place the photo was taken and she said she didn't know any of their songs.

Then a couple of days ago, she posted a photo of a poster she'd seen during the day of this band, with the same "thisisforyou" hashtag, and linked one of their songs which is about love. Then yesterday, she posted a photo of one of her favourite animals with the same "thisisforyou" hashtag and a load of animated hearts - I'd bought her a stuffed toy one of these when we were away 2 weeks ago. I've never noticed her use this hashtag before, and it's clearly directed at someone.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it seems too much to be a co-incidence and is really confusing me!

Happy New Year cat. A whole new decade is just beginning, a fresh start for you hopefully.

I never really contribute on threads but felt compelled to write on yours. You sound absolutely lovely- it really is her loss.

As a thirty year old woman who (up until meeting my DH) really grew cynical from the online dating experience - please do not change your approach. Do not fall into the temptation of analysing what you could have done differently and what the outcome might be had you done so. You've acted perfectly. You pushed for clarity and she wasn't able to give it to you; the right person would be able to give you that definitive reassurance and security- and would never even allow you to question it to the extent that you've spent over a week just not knowing where you stand.

Frankly speaking, anyone who uses social media as a medium for relaying what are fairly intimate thoughts and feelings, through lyrics and photos, is probably riddled with insecurity. She sounds quite immature and probably isn't ready to be in an open and balanced relationship and would never be able to provide you with what you deserve.

You seem like a very open, supportive person and you deserve to meet someone who will treat you with the same kind and direct communication, which leaves you with no question of their feelings. Anything less than that just wont work.

Please don't let this experience change your approach to dating- it's really refreshing to read. When you meet someone who is truly compatible with you, they really will be thankful for it... and most importantly, they'll love you for it.

Happy New Year OP!

@AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet thanks. I guess I'll never know for sure, but I agree - it it was aimed at someone else that is out of order.

@aroundtheworldyet I need to work on this aspect of myself, as I can come across as needy when I feel insecure and really like someone. Not quite sure what to do about it though, or why it affects me so much. There was definitely a difference in my replies to almost exactly the same comment from her 6-7 weeks ago and 2 weeks ago.

@livelovelaugh30 thanks for your lovely reply - you've just made me cry again! I think you've hit the nail on the head - I noticed a few things she did/said when we went away that made me think she is quite insecure, and is also quite immature I think (or is it normal for mid-late 30's women to sleep with soft cuddly toys?).

Saying that, she did reply to me yesterday after I posted this with a nice message, and again just after midnight - although no response to me asking if she wanted to meet up in the new year (which again I think speaks volumes, but is also typical of how she's responded when she's been in one of these slumps previously).

But a female friend I was with last night saw the messages (after I bored her with all the details) and thinks she is still into me but confused and worried, so it's still all a bit confusing for me.

I think for my own sanity I need to speak to her in a couple of days to just confirm it is over, so I can move on properly.

Don’t speak to her. Just move on. Closure is something one might want. But not need.

I would look up attachment - we all have differing attachment styles and if your anxious attachment then you can panic if you think someone is letting go and you cling harder. Which tends to be counter productive.

I would delete her number to stop you trying to contact her. And do some reading. And have a good think about why you’ve let someone make you feel so anxious and feel so crap about yourself. Maybe even do this with a therapist if it’s an ongoing issue.

But whatever you do. DONT contact her again.

Thanks - I've started reading up on attachment styles. I think usually I am more secure attachment than anxious (e.g., I enjoy my own space and am independent, and also trust partners when we're not together), but definitely have some anxious attachment characteristics. She seems to fit into the avoidant attachment type too - although interestingly the article I've just read suggests that it's common for anxious and avoidant people to form relationships together.

Maybe that explains why I always try so hard to make things work, even after breakups when most people would move on much sooner than I seem to do.

I do already see a therapist, so will discuss this with them when I see them next.

I am 100% anxious attachment.

I am a similar age to you and also like my own company. Trust my partner etc.

It’s the coping with rejection. Coping with mind games - most genuinely secure people would just say “no thanks, this isn’t for me” they wouldn’t need a confirmed conversation about “are you into me or not”

Anyway definitely bring it up with your therapist. I have behaved like you with an avoidant and it didn’t end well. It ended up making me feel like I was seriously mentally unwell.

Regardless of that. Her actions have made you feel shit about yourself. Do you want to be with someone who has the propensity to make you feel on edge. Anxious. Unsure?

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with you. You've just met someone who either isn't able or ready for the kind of relationship you are looking for. It's the up and down-ness of it which creates your insecure feelings and these feeling are NORMAL because safe secure relationships where both people are open to it don't have the peaks and troughs you are experiencing.

Whilst she is keeping you hanging, you are not able to move on. She is unlikely to be able to stop her pattern of distance neediness, but you can block and get through the pain barrier.

I have dated men who had the same pattern in behaviour... Seeming very keen and available, then being not available, cryptic messages of really liking me and after I ended it still trying to catch my interest.

I met my partner 18 months ago, we liked each other, no game playing, no dangling. Cut her off and invest your energy in being with people who are genuine.

@TheCatWithTheHat I think as women we are conditioned to see hope in every situation and look for evidence that someone is into is. So I would take what your female friend says with a large pinch of salt. After years of dating I'm much at seeing the signs if he's just not that into me...

If she wanted to be in a relationship with you, after dating you for 3 months, she would be.

@TheCatWithTheHat how's it going?

I think for my own sanity I need to speak to her in a couple of days to just confirm it is over, so I can move on properly.^

I keep thinking of your post and wondering how you're getting on and if she came back to you^

@mondaypolomint Thanks for asking. Well, I’m still in touch with her, and still not quite sure where things stand but feeling a bit more positive than a few weeks ago. I left it a few days after we messaged on NYE, and sent her a short but fun message last Friday. She was away travelling, but sent me a photo of something that reminded her of one of our recent dates. We ended up chatting for almost 2 hours and it was pretty much like it was before 3 weeks ago. It’s actually strange to think it was only 3 weeks ago that I last saw her - feels like much longer!

Then I got back in touch a few days ago when she was back home, and we’ve spoken pretty much every day this week - although she’s been panicking about some exams she’s sitting this weekend so I’ve just kept it light and not mentioned meeting up again. Will see how things pan out once she’s done her exams and hopefully pluck up the courage to ask to meet next week.

I’ve also discussed this whole episode with my therapist, and said I’d like to work on why I get so attached and anxious in these situations so hopefully I can work on improving this aspect of myself. I’m still feeling rather anxious and unhappy, so need to fix it one way or the other.

OP I'm guessing you still feel rather anxious and unhappy because you're tiptoeing round this woman and putting your own needs on the back-burner. Can you see and recognise that yo are doing that? She's stressed about an exam soon so you're not even mentioning meeting up?! She's not a frighten deer grazing in some woodland. You should not be bending over backwards at this stage. I imagine you know that deep down.

The thing is you're taking all of this at face value and getting lost in the details. You're not seeing the bigger picture, perhaps because you're not ready to yet?

She's immature. She can't communicate honestly and openly. She doesn't know how she feels. She's like a child you are having to run around and protect instead of a strong capable equal.
I'm curious why you don't want more for yourself, why you're not thinking 'fuck this for a game of soldiers' and heading out of the situation in search of something real and workable. Why you're staying and trying to rescue her instead?

In the kindest way possible.... I just want to shake you !

Did she not post something (a picture taken by you)? directed at her ex, knowing that you'd see it? If that's true, then she's a nasty piece of work, playing you on a string. That's why you feel anxious and unhappy. If only you could see that

@RhubarbTea not sure if you’ve seen the history of this, but she’s said all along that she panics and runs away if she feels pressured. 3 weeks ago, she said she was confused/scared/worried and I added pressure and she backed off. Hence why I want to wait for a time when she’s not panicking about exams to ask to meet.

As for why I’m sticking around and not walking away - I wish I could, but I’ve really fallen for her and it’s tough when I think there’s still a chance it’ll work out. This is something I’m working through with a therapist as I realise it’s not healthy.

@always I probably do need a shake, and a hug too! I honestly don’t know if an ex is on the scene. I’m 95% sure the photos were directed at me but my mind naturally fears the worst. Eg the other day she didn’t reply for hours, and I convinced myself she was on a date, or with an ex. Turns out she was at home frantically revising.

You’ll just have to learn the hard way op. Which you should already know at your age!!
This person is not good for you. One way or another.

Oh I have seen all your threads on this, but you are still not seeing the wood for the trees my love. I feel bad for you, but as someone above said, you're probably only going to learn this lesson the hard way. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist as they can support you through what will be a difficult time, I suspect.

This woman is not able to have a healthy relationship. If you want one of those, she can't be the one to give it to you. No matter how much you may both want it to be possible. The sooner you wake up to that, the sooner you can start healing.

But I think there are deeper pattern at work here than just this woman. She's just a symptom. Unpicking why you felt drawn to her and unable to step away is something that might take longer to understand. Best of luck.

OP. She's just not that into you. You're hanging on and quite frankly for a man of your age it is highly unattractive, unhealthy and sad! You're both extremely immature.

When revising you do take breaks and need to eat, if someone is into you then they would make time.

Who leaves 3 weeks in between meeting if you like the person?!

I am rolling my eyes so hard I can see my brain!!!

I'm glad you're both talking and also that you are getting some support from your therapist.

I didn't restart this thread so that harsh comments could resume. I for one am not in this situation and i don't know what this lady might be thinking or going through and I can't, therefore presume or make assumptions.

But it seems like the outcome could be one of three things:

A) You both meet up and yes she does want a relationship with you
B) She tells you that she doesn't want a relationship but wants to remain friends, or
C) She tells you that she doesn't want a relationship with you and hadn't wanted to upset you and tell you that her ex is back on the scene

Whatever the outcome, I would want to know sooner rather than later. Maybe whilst supporting her in her revision for her exam, you could agree on a day and time to meet up for a coffee after her exams so that one way or the other you know. Good luck and keep strong

@mondaypolomint thanks. I don’t mind the harsh comments (well, I do a bit but I know it’s not personal) - I can see why people get frustrated with me seemingly ignoring all the advice.

It’s hard to put everything across in a forum, especially when I have to leave some things out for privacy reasons. So that skews my view somewhat as I’ve have seen the way she behaves when we have spent time together, and gives me more reason to think she is still interested than just what I’ve typed. As someone on here said recently, go by how she acts when I’m with her rather than what she says on WhatsApp.

I also agree with @RhubarbTea in that there are probably reasons why I’m drawn to this woman and haven’t walked away already. Part of this is that until 3 weeks ago, I honestly thought our connection was the best I’ve felt with anyone, including three long term relationships.

I’ve also got back together with two ex-girlfriends after breakups so know that feelings can change, and what someone thinks and says one day may not be the same several weeks or months later - especially if they have other things going on in their life.

I think the likely scenarios are either A or B - I’m willing to wait things out a bit more in the hope it’s A, but I’ll know for sure sooner rather than later I hope.

The fact that you actually say you’ve got back with 2 ex girlfriends should be your “I understand what I’m doing wrong” moment.

It didn’t work out. You kept going back to things which were clearly not working. It doesn’t matter why they didn’t work. Or why you split up. They did not work long term.

You consistently can’t let go of things that aren’t working. That is what you need to discuss with your therapist.

It’s startlingly obvious to outsiders. If I could, I would go and put 100k on odds that this doesn’t work out either.

I’m not trying to be mean. But you are saying things out loud about yourself but you can’t see what’s in front of your eyes.

No, those relationships didn’t work out, but I’ve not said anything about those and why we broke up in the first place. The last one lasted 8 years, and I don’t regret any of it at all.

I’ve only done it twice, and have walked away from other relationships that have ended so it’s not a consistent pattern with me.

I also know people who have got back together after a breakup, got married, had a family and are still happily together 10 years later so there’s no rule that says you should never get back with an ex, or try to make things work. It all depends on the individual circumstances that led to things not working out.

If there is a pattern it’s a pattern for a reason.
Just saying it’s something to think about and certainly discuss even if you don’t agree with me.

You forgot...

d) she carries on stringing you along and doesn't really say either way

e) you don't meet up at all and it continues and a text/phone relationship for a while.

She didn't even acknowledge you asked her to meet up the last time you asked her to. I think @TheCatWithTheHat is seeing things he wants to and ignoring the obvious.

I would carry on dating. You never know what is around the corner.

Who initiates the conversations? (On WhatsApp) I'm guessing that it's you, fair assumption?
If I were you, I'd go as long as you can without contacting her and see if she contacts you. That should give you your answer. Based on what you've said about her here, you seem way more into her than she is with you. You're over analyzing everything she does and says; what she sends, the frequency and timings of her text. To her, you're probably someone she's casually seeing/texting, someone she has a vague interest in.
Sorry if I'm sounding harsh or criticizing you, I don't mean to.

@TheCatWithTheHat it is really super super crystal clear that this woman isn't into you.

She thinks you are nice and your contact boosts her ego. But she doesn't want to shag you and doesn't feel an attraction to you. That's why she can barely be arsed with talking to you.

If she was into you, you'd not be feeling this way. It would be easy.

You need to learn to walk away from things that make you feel shit. You can't argue someone into liking you. You really can't.

You aren't a dog. Stop letting people scrape crumbs into your life, while you beg for a whole slice of bread and still keep on loving and trusting other people to be nice to you after they've sacked you off and blanked you. You will never find a nice partner if you fill your time with people who can barely muster a passing interest in you.

Who in your childhood humiliated you so badly, that you mistake this kind of behaviour for interest?