Not sure where I stand, or what to make of these Instagram posts.

[TheCatWithTheHat]

I've posted in another thread on here about how we've got to this point, but a brief summary is that I'm a 45 year old guy who has been dating someone for the last 3-4 months.

Things were going really well, but over the last couple of weeks, she's been going through some stressful times with a work-related issue, and has backed off and tells me she's too exhausted and stressed to have any energy to devote to a relationship. It's all been a bit "maybe, possibly, I think" so I don't quite know where I stand - the last thing she said was that "maybe we should leave it for a bit" so I'm not sure if that's her ending it or just wanting some time to sort her head out, but I've decided to just give her some space for now and see if she gets in touch. I'm finding this really tough as I really like her, and thought this was going to lead somewhere.

Anyway, she posts a fair bit on Instagram and put up a photo I took of her on our weekend away earlier this month with a mysterious hashtag that I took to be referring to me - something along the lines of "thisisforyou". She also quoted lyrics from my favourite band, which I took to be directed at me, as I had only told her I liked them at the place the photo was taken and she said she didn't know any of their songs.

Then a couple of days ago, she posted a photo of a poster she'd seen during the day of this band, with the same "thisisforyou" hashtag, and linked one of their songs which is about love. Then yesterday, she posted a photo of one of her favourite animals with the same "thisisforyou" hashtag and a load of animated hearts - I'd bought her a stuffed toy one of these when we were away 2 weeks ago. I've never noticed her use this hashtag before, and it's clearly directed at someone.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it seems too much to be a co-incidence and is really confusing me!

This man in question is 46 and I'm 38, I feel like a friggin teenager and this isn't me normally.

Words and actions really aren't that complicated in healthy relationships. People who like each other say they like each other and arrange to meet, in between there are normal flirty/keen messages. If work or life is busy, it's simply discussed. No cryptic crap.

Anything else shows that one or both are not emotionally available.

@choc very true....if it isn't making you happy then stop!

Sorry to derail your thread 😁

Oh OP, been there, done that and got the T-shirt. I can still remember the feelings. Awful.

This will not end well. You will do what you feel you have to do, but believe me it will not end well.

Even if she wants to meet and it all seemingly gets back on track - it will happen again. And again. There will always be a seemingly plausible reason too, one to make you feel like you are somehow being unreasonable to question, yet you will also have a gnawing in your stomach that something isn't right about it.

Everyone here is right. If she was into you, you'd know it. These are not the actions of someone who is into you.

She sounds like someone who isn't really able to deal with the intimacy required to have a relationship with. Instead she is manipulating you into a situation where you no longer ask for your needs to be let, but you are there to meet hers when she needs you to.

Good luck

@bangheadhere40, good luck to you and the OP. It took me a long time in relationships where the person wasn’t as emotionally available as I needed to start asking myself the question is this making me happy? I used to focus on all I liked about them and the potential at the start, hanging on for them to start liking me more than their behaviour was indicating if I was honest to myself about it.

I think chocmallows sets out how a healthy relationship should be - both generally happy with the form it’s taking.

Instead she is manipulating you into a situation where you no longer ask for your needs to be let, but you are there to meet hers when she needs you to.

OP, I think Vaselinehero has pinpointed where this relationship is taking you if you hang around. You sound lovely and may you find someone who will treat you are their equal as you and we all deserve in a relationship.

She's a dick and doesn't want to be with you.

When I met my DP I was coming out of a car crash relationship and "wasn't ready to date". Both our jobs were crazy hectic and we were both going a road shortly after we met.
None of it mattered, as soon as we met it was just easy.
If it's not easy, forget it.

Dont fight for this love - You aren't Cheryl Cole/ Tweedy.

I don't think that this is necessarily true. By keeping a distance you are showing to her that you love her enough to be patient and give her some space. The work being stressful etc sounds like an excuse and that in all honesty she's got doubts about you. Have you put her under any pressure, been too needy wanted to rush things along. Sometimes as people's needs are different you maybe just mismatched.
I think she should have sent you a private message with the photos not some vague clue on Instagram.
I would say after a short while (maybe a week) that you want some kind of time frame as as much as you want to be together you cannot put Yr life on hold forever.

Back right off show her you are having a good time if you can on Instagram but in a truthful way. Make it look like you can do without her. I was in a similar situation to Yr DP and rather than tell the truth and say I've got doubts about the relationship I made excuses up about stress etc. Why? I was scared to let go and wanted to keep my DP hanging on. Eventually we split So be careful.

@Washedoutlady - the stress is genuine, not sure if you've read all my posts but it was something that happened that has impacted her health and ability to work in the industry she's been in all her life, plus a couple of other things have happened in the last month or two that have made this worse. She's been in hospital due to this issue, and was previously prescribed medication for depression so it's not just normal work stress. I don't want to go into more details, but I can understand why it's affecting her so badly.

And yes - I did put her under pressure to tell me that she wanted to be with me. I've gone into more details with a couple of female friends (I don't want to be too detailed here on a public forum) and they agree she is feeling confused and overwhelmed, and also that I was too pushy.

Actions speak louder than words, and when I last saw her about 1 1/2 weeks ago I would have said 100% she wasn't thinking of ending it. But I think I handled the next couple of days badly, and pushed her away.

Anyway, the advice of everyone has been to back off and give her space - so I'll leave it another week or so, and then will get back in touch to see if she's happy to meet up. I'll hopefully find out the answer then, and although I'm scared you are right and she's now having doubts, at least I'll have a definite answer and can start moving on.

I don't think you did anything wrong OP, you certainly didn't 'push her away'. You're coming across as far too self-critical

'I actually feel quite depressed about it myself now'
You need to put yourself and your feelings first. That's what she's been doing, with little consideration for you. By all means, wait a few days, but I'd cut ties after that.

You'll probably feel a sense of relief if/when you block and move on. It's the waiting around and the unknown that's the killer.

I dont think she wants you but likes the attention
I would move on

If she was that depressed surely she wouldn't be bothered with instagramming? Also wouldn't she want to see you to talk about things for support if you are meant to be in a relationship? Sorry to say this OP but think she's game playing. If someone did this to me it would do my head in. It doesn't sound like fun and surely at this stage it should be? If you don't know where you stand this early on then you'll never know. Communication is such a basic part of a relationship. I like people to be upfront about their feelings. It's too much like hardwork otherwise.

Anyway, the advice of everyone has been to back off and give her space
Not true OP. There’s been just as many posters, if not more, telling you to walk away and that she’s playing you.
You are selecting the comments of those posters who are allowing you to cling on to the hope that this woman could be interested but needs “space” and ignoring all others.
Ultimately none of us know this woman or her motives but in my experience, she’s just not in to you. For your own sanity recognise this as a possibility.

But I think I handled the next couple of days badly, and pushed her away

Stop blaming yourself for her actions. Whichever way you look at it, this relationship is not healthy. Cut your losses.

OP- I’ve just read your other thread and apologise for not having done so sooner as it puts a completely different perspective on it. Remove all the Instagram bullshit and it seems to me, she’s told you that she’s not interested and you’re not listening. You haven’t slept with this woman and she has said on more than one occasion that she doesn’t want to continue dating and you have tried to change her mind.

If you have any respect for her, or yourself, please don’t contact her. If she does want to see you again- she’ll be in touch.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3771605-How-long-before-dating-becomes-a-relationship?pg=1

@AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet you're right - it's the not knowing that's the worst. I'm fighting the urge to send her a message now, as I can see she's online, and it's been 3 days now since we last spoke.

@LuckyShoe you're right - a lot of people have said that. However I guess I just struggle to accept some of the things people have said, as it doesn't match how she was when I last saw her 10 days ago, and the conversations we've had leading up to it. Plus I've not mentioned all of the details, as there are some things I don't want on a public forum.

Also I'm really bad at walking away - I need to hear her say she's not interested, and to be honest I think after dating for 3+ months, weekends away etc... I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for that, rather than just being blanked?

I think I know deep down what the outcome is going to be, but at the moment I still have hope that the majority of people who have replied are wrong.

I need some closure though - even if it's to be told that she's back in touch with an ex, or just didn't fancy me when we (almost) slept together. But then she said things after that point, and during our last date that make me think that isn't the case.

3 weeks ago, I honestly thought she was the one - it really sucks to go from that point to here so quickly :(

@TheCatWithTheHat
Dating sucks - most of the time but it shouldn’t be this hard, this early. You sound like a lovely person and the right person will come along- I just don’t think it’s her.
She should have been far more direct with you, the lack of clarity is what’s messing with your emotions. But I genuinely feel she has tried to tell you that it’s not working for her (not withstanding the Instagram bullshit). I wish you well

You're own little secret messages and code, that nobody else will understand.

Dear god. What a load of childish piffle. She needs to grow up and stop playing at being 14

@LuckyShoe - she hasn't actually said straight out that she's not interested, she's said she's worried about us, and she's scared that she might not have the energy for dating right now. She also said exactly the same thing (almost word for word) 6 weeks ago when she cancelled a date - we then met up a few days later when she was feeling better, and saw each other weekly for the next 4/5 weeks and things were really great between us. In fact, when we saw each other and she spoke about it, she said if we'd just met she would walk away however as we've been seeing each other for a while now she doesn't know what to do.

I've skipped over some of what was said and tried to paraphrase, but I've shown the complete conversation to a couple of female friends and their view is that she is just really confused and stressed but is still interested. Right from the start, she's said she has no issue in being direct and telling someone if she doesn't want to see them, and she hasn't done this - it's just been left up in the air.

In terms of sleeping with her - we got 99% of the way there, and without going into too many details it was to all intents and purposes sleeping together, with everything but penetration - I probably didn't make that clear in the previous post.

Anyway, I think I've worn myself out talking about this so will try and take onboard all the advice, and make a decision later in the week. Thanks to all who have contributed. I'll pop back in a few days with an update for anyone who is interested.

She doesn't want you, but wants you to want her.

Fuck that. Find someone who will appreciate you.

Another Instagram post from her mentioning a time when she was on holiday with what I assume is an ex, so I'm guessing he's back on the scene and I'm guessing the posts I thought were about me were actually aimed at him.

I messaged her earlier to wish her happy new year, and suggest meeting for a drink in a week or two - and she hasn't replied even though she read my message a couple of hours ago, and she's been online since.

I think that says everything.

Feeling really gutted as things were going so well until we went away 2 weeks ago. It's really hard as there were so many mixed messages, and the last time I saw her less than 2 weeks ago it was really good so I can't quite fathom this one out. Just a shame she didn't do what she said when we first met, and be direct if she didn't want to see me.

Any if my gut feelings are right, yet another girl I've fallen for who has gone back to an ex.

This all sucks - especially today. I'll try and get the tears out the way today, and start to move on tomorrow.

Awh, I'm so sorry

If that's true, and the picture you took of her and the song lyrics etc were posted but directed at someone else, knowing that you would see them -then she's a nasty, thoughtless, vindictive b**ch, and you're well rid of her.
Please don't waste your tears on her.

Unfollow her, delete/block her & do your best to forget about her.
You will meet someone else (If that's what you want) ❤️

Oh my god. What a relief. You do not need this shit in your life.

But take note. People don’t like pushy or needy in a relationship. It’s a bit odd. And off putting.

I'm so sorry.
Don't beat yourself up about this. Her ability communicate maybe wasn't very strong - so that she wasn't able to be direct with you - whereas you seem good at communication and being able to be open and direct with people. This might have become an even bigger issue between you as time went on.

Loss is a hard thing to accept especially when you were hoping that she would come back to you. Be kind to yourself and take your time to recover.

@cat sorry to hear that, but it really is for the best I think for you.