Not sure where I stand, or what to make of these Instagram posts.

[TheCatWithTheHat]

I've posted in another thread on here about how we've got to this point, but a brief summary is that I'm a 45 year old guy who has been dating someone for the last 3-4 months.

Things were going really well, but over the last couple of weeks, she's been going through some stressful times with a work-related issue, and has backed off and tells me she's too exhausted and stressed to have any energy to devote to a relationship. It's all been a bit "maybe, possibly, I think" so I don't quite know where I stand - the last thing she said was that "maybe we should leave it for a bit" so I'm not sure if that's her ending it or just wanting some time to sort her head out, but I've decided to just give her some space for now and see if she gets in touch. I'm finding this really tough as I really like her, and thought this was going to lead somewhere.

Anyway, she posts a fair bit on Instagram and put up a photo I took of her on our weekend away earlier this month with a mysterious hashtag that I took to be referring to me - something along the lines of "thisisforyou". She also quoted lyrics from my favourite band, which I took to be directed at me, as I had only told her I liked them at the place the photo was taken and she said she didn't know any of their songs.

Then a couple of days ago, she posted a photo of a poster she'd seen during the day of this band, with the same "thisisforyou" hashtag, and linked one of their songs which is about love. Then yesterday, she posted a photo of one of her favourite animals with the same "thisisforyou" hashtag and a load of animated hearts - I'd bought her a stuffed toy one of these when we were away 2 weeks ago. I've never noticed her use this hashtag before, and it's clearly directed at someone.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it seems too much to be a co-incidence and is really confusing me!

@TimeForPlentyIn2020 I guess it's the modern version of writing in your diary and intentionally leaving it open, so that the person it's intended for will read it.
And you're sort of protecting yourself in it too - rather than being 100% open about your feelings, because they can't ever be 100% sure it's about them (See OP)!
Even though it clearly is

It sounds tough OP. If the posts are aimed at you then if I were you I’d be pissed off that she can’t communicate in a more sensible way. If they are not aimed at you then you need to move on.
She’s messing with you. I feel like I say this a lot on here but the bottom line is that if someone really likes you they don’t waste opportunities to spend time with you. I think you need to move away from this before it becomes even more of a mess.

This is probably terrible advice OP, feel free to ignore. I've had a glass 2 glasses of wine....

But if you did want to play tricks with her and are bold enough to get under her skin, just a teeny little bit.... how about you don't watch her stories the next time she posts one?
That would shock her and make her much more inclined to contact you directly, IMO

I know I've reassured you not to lose hope, but come on... there must come a point when enough is enough?

@Lampan - I kind of agree, but I can also understand why people do this. It would be ideal if everyone could be up front, but sometimes (myself included) it's hard to put what we feel into words, so these little messages on social media are easier to do.

Looking back at the conversation a week ago (it seems so much longer ago than that!), I was quite pushy and kept pressing for an answer she just couldn't give.

She had said almost exactly the same thing 6 weeks ago - almost word for word, and I handled it totally differently then - with a different result, and we did end up spending a fair bit of time together over the next 4-6 weeks.

Everyone has work stresses to deal with and I'm not saying it's easy but if you really like someone you don't stop seeing them because of it.

If she's got something to say then she should ring you. Its fucking game playing shite all this IG nonsense.

Don't rise to it.

@AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet - I hadn't thought of that. It will be tough, but I could give it a try I suppose! There's nothing to lose really, and the last story she posted had nothing to do with me, although she has been in touch since then.

In fact, just looking back - the 2 posts she made were on the evening of the day we had the heavy conversation about her thinking it might be best to leave things.

Well it's only been a day since she last messaged me, and when we spoke a week ago she mentioned wanting to curl up and hide until the end of the year. Once we're in to the new year I'll say I'd like to see her again, and see what her reaction is.

Do it 👿
Don't watch them... I can almost see her sweating at the 23rd hour and wondering why you haven't viewed them
I can guarantee you that she'll come crawling back.

And you know what...?? If she does, then you know that she's a game player messing with your head, and she doesn't deserve you

@MelbaToast - I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but it's more than just work stresses in this case. It involved a mildly life-changing injury that meant it's very difficult for her to continue working in the career she's worked in all her life. The last 3 years have involved hospital stays, court cases, anxiety and treatment for depression. And a couple of things have happened recently to make her dip back into this depression.

I couldn’t be arsed with someone who lives their life through social media. Sending public messages that could be meant for anyone with no privacy. Very “look at meeee, give me attention”, especially at her age.

It’s easy to WhatsApp or text. She’s stringing you along.

So she has no time for you but has time to post attention seeking shite on insta...

This all sounds like such hard work.

A relationship should be fun and carefree at the beginning surely? If this is now - can you imagine what 5 years down the line will look like 😬

I’d move on if I’m being totally honest. Good luck op.

Are you not a little annoyed? I have a guy doing this to me at the moment, similar anyway...with a son story. I think if she liked you she would want you around. Stop and think, is this making me happy? It's just causing you stress.

Sob story

Same advice as I’d give to any woman. She’s enjoying stringing you along and isn’t in to you but keeping you in the background just in case.

Block. Ignore. Move on. We all get stressed and have loads on but those of us in healthy relationships, with people who care about us, don’t drop them when we need them the most.

FWIW I think the posts are aimed at you. Designed to keep you waiting for her like an eager puppy. She doesn’t give enough of a shit about you to let the rest of Instagram know that.
Seriously - is this what you want your life to look like? I’m your age - I know it doesn’t get easier but you should get better at spotting this shit. Good luck OP

See that's where I disagree - I don't think she's enjoying doing it. Very few people are that callous and cruel.

But there's no denying that it's unfair on the OP, poor guy is in limbo.
I'd probably give her another week and ask her straight out where you stand and what she wants, that you can't wait around forever. If she's still behaving in the same manner, I'd block her and move on.

or you can just play childish games with her, like not watching her insta stories

I stand by my previous advice, when she contacts you, be chatty, be consistent, let her know you are getting on with your life in a good way.

Don't push for more, just respond pleasantly. Let her believe she's an add on in your life, not a necessity.

If you're a 'cat' person OP, you'll know exactly what I mean.

Very few people are that callous and cruel
I wish that were true. You only need to read these boards regularly to see that there are many people out there that are. The only difference is it’s usually women we read about being on the receiving end. Truth is none of us know how this woman feels but she is messing with someone’s head and that is cruel. She’s doing it on social media in a manner such that she can deny it’s anything to do with OP and gaslight him.
OP you deserve better.

You've only known this woman for 12 weeks, and she's already dicking you about.

She's depressed
She's mentally unwell
She's lost her career
She hates Christmas
She dicks about on Instagram instead of behaving like an adult
She wants to curl into a ball until New Year
She isn't direct with you (you have no idea where you stand)

If you'd read all of the above on her dating profile, you would have grimaced and scrolled past her.

Honestly, she sounds like a total head fuck and you're only 12 weeks in.

Unfollow her on all social media. Get back on to the dating websites you were on before. Meet some other women who don't have all this angst and who aren't narcissistic naval gazers.

When me and DH were dating, we both met some serious arse holes like this. It sounds to me like your radar isn't functioning.

Fwiw, I think she's probably texting and meeting multiple men. She's clearly an attention seeker and will feed off attention from many guys at once.

@bangheadhere40 - sorry to hear you're going through similar.

It's making me rather unhappy and anxious to be honest, but I'm going to give it another week or so and see where things lie. She did say she wanted to hide away until the end of the year, and I told her I'd give her space. So if I haven't heard from her by next weekend, I'll get in touch to say I'd like to meet, and see what she says.

This does seem to be a cycle for her, as she said almost exactly the same thing 6 weeks ago but seemed to snap out of it a couple of days later. Back then, I'd always send a message if I hadn't heard from her in a couple of days, but now I've backed off totally and am leaving the ball in her court.

Thanks, horrible isn't it. I've backed off now too, I'm just hurting myself by even worrying about it, when realistically he doesn't.

@bangheadhere40 - yep, it is horrible. I keep finding myself checking her WhatsApp and seeing her online, and wondering why she isn't messaging me.

All I want to know is does she think it's actually over, or is she just waiting to get through this slump before meeting up again. But maybe she doesn't know that herself.

And I actually feel quite depressed about it myself now, so if I put myself into her shoes then I can quite understand not wanting to meet up for a date if she's feeling like this about something else.

Do you want to be with someone who you feel cares for you, prioritises you, doesn’t mess you around? This woman will not give you this. I would not count down the days until you feel you are just about scraping enough dignity together to ring her and ask her if she wants to see you now. You are not if you do this. You will not feel good about yourself. Don’t contact her, take it it hasn’t worked and get on with you your life and your dignity intact. Everyone deserves to be treated better than this.

I am too, checking if online, we were meant to meet soon. I'm driving myself crazy a little and I don't like it. He has a huge backstory but I don't know if it's an excuse or if he is just stringing me along.