Not sure where I stand, or what to make of these Instagram posts.

[TheCatWithTheHat]

I've posted in another thread on here about how we've got to this point, but a brief summary is that I'm a 45 year old guy who has been dating someone for the last 3-4 months.

Things were going really well, but over the last couple of weeks, she's been going through some stressful times with a work-related issue, and has backed off and tells me she's too exhausted and stressed to have any energy to devote to a relationship. It's all been a bit "maybe, possibly, I think" so I don't quite know where I stand - the last thing she said was that "maybe we should leave it for a bit" so I'm not sure if that's her ending it or just wanting some time to sort her head out, but I've decided to just give her some space for now and see if she gets in touch. I'm finding this really tough as I really like her, and thought this was going to lead somewhere.

Anyway, she posts a fair bit on Instagram and put up a photo I took of her on our weekend away earlier this month with a mysterious hashtag that I took to be referring to me - something along the lines of "thisisforyou". She also quoted lyrics from my favourite band, which I took to be directed at me, as I had only told her I liked them at the place the photo was taken and she said she didn't know any of their songs.

Then a couple of days ago, she posted a photo of a poster she'd seen during the day of this band, with the same "thisisforyou" hashtag, and linked one of their songs which is about love. Then yesterday, she posted a photo of one of her favourite animals with the same "thisisforyou" hashtag and a load of animated hearts - I'd bought her a stuffed toy one of these when we were away 2 weeks ago. I've never noticed her use this hashtag before, and it's clearly directed at someone.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it seems too much to be a co-incidence and is really confusing me!

That does make sense to me, and everything about how she has been with me face to face, even as recently as Thursday, tells me she does care for me. I've got a fair bit of experience of being dumped over the years, and the other person has always been distant when they'd done it - I've not picked up on that at all with her. In fact, even on the Friday she was saying it would be best if she just stayed at home as she didn't want to make things worse, and she is worried about us.

It was only after I kept pushing her to tell me if she still wanted to be with me that she said maybe it's best if we leave it for a bit. In hindsight I put too much pressure on her.

Anyway, only time will tell I guess - I'll give her some space and will hopefully speak to her in a week or so if she doesn't get in touch before then.

A brief update - I’ve not contacted her since the weekend, however she sent me a nice message on Christmas Day - mentioning something related to our trip a few weeks ago and also putting a couple of kisses which she very rarely does. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I don’t think she would have done this if she saw us as being done and dusted. Saying that, she didn’t respond to my reply a few hours later, however I can understand she might have wanted to avoid any heavy conversations on Christmas Day.

Also I’ve shown her Instagram posts to a few friends who are all convinced they are aimed at me.

So maybe she is still interested but just needs a bit of space after I piled on the pressure last weekend. I’m still rather confused though, and not entirely sure whether I should do anything other than just wait for her to get in touch again.

Christ what a head fuck she is. She's keeping you dangled man OP, playing with your feelings. Why is everything on her terms?

Don't contact her again, stop following her SM and let her get on with it. The second you stop paying her attention shell show her colours.

I might be 45, but this kind of thing doesn't get any easier with age...
But it does.
You know what you want and what you are prepared to put up with.
You have far better boundaries.
She'd have been blocked by now.
Get out there and enjoy your life.
Stop pining for this one.
She's not the one.
She's totally playing you.
Keeping you hooked - because she can - and she is.
Stop allowing yourself to be treated like this.

She's toying with you. If she was really stressed and had little time for you she would make it crystal clear that she cared about you but was going to sort her stuff out and then you can pick up where you left off. She would reassure you.

If I were you, I would stop looking at her SM and only answer her friendly but non committantly when she contacts you and I would go out and enjoy life and start meeting other people. If she is for you it won't be this hard work.

How old is she?

It may not be for you and how embarrassing if it isn't. I think if she wants to get in touch, she will. Delete her off insta. I hope you havent been liking her stuff.
I know you like her OP, but honestly there is nothing more unattractive than someone pining over you when essentially you've put them on the back burner. The truth is, if a woman is really into you, she will want you around; especially if it is hard times.

Forget her. Move on. It's a new year soon. Don't take this crap with you.

Also - she has time to run around seeing bands and post on insta. Bit of a joke really. I say dont even message on new year. Forget her.

it does get easier with age OP.

Ignore her for a bit, I guarantee she'll come running back to you. And if you want to carry on playing games, you can get back with her.

otherwise go and find an actual grown up woman who doesn't bother with any of this shit.

@Musti - it's more than just stress, it's verging on depression and the issue affecting her has impacted her health and career so is a big deal to her. Looking back at our messages over the last week, I think she has made it clear she cares about me - and initially said she needs some time to sort her head out. It was only when I repeatedly pressured her to give me an answer that she said she wasn't able to commit.

@Windmillwhirl - she's mid/late-30s

@Ruderidinghood - I agree it's possible they aren't aimed at me, but everyone I've shown them to (bearing in mind I've been a tiny bit vague about the content for privacy reasons on here) says they think they must be for me, and if they aren't then it would be very odd to put a hidden message out to someone else in a photo I took when we were away together. Also she wasn't out seeing the band (they aren't around anymore) - it was just a photo she took of a shop window I think, with a few band posters in. It's possible even it was an old photo.

The thing is I don't think she's playing games. When we last met (just over a week ago) she referred to it as a date, and it was lovely - we were even talking about future type stuff. Even as she left she was very affectionate and happy, and on her way home she was mentioning what we'd do when we met up again. I've had my fair share of breakups, and I can confidently say there was no indication that she was thinking of doing that 8 days ago.

Then the tone of her messages the next day went from "I'm worried/scared about us and need some time to process things" to "I think it might be better if we have a break for a bit as I'm worn out and it's rubbish timing for me" rather than "Sorry, I don't want to see you anymore". Looking back at my replies I was quite pushy in demanding to know where I stood so can see now that this added to the pressure.

So now I have listened to what she's saying and I'm giving her the space as I told her I would. In my mind she's sent these little coded messages to say she's still thinking about me, and the text message on Christmas Day was thoughtful too. If I wanted to end it with someone, I wouldn't send them a nice message on Christmas Day with kisses, when I don't usually do that. But maybe that's just me? I can't help but look at this from how I think I'd behave, but everyone is different.

I probably come across as a love-sick fool who is ignoring all this good advice, and I hope you don't think I don't appreciate the time you've taken to respond. It's just that deep down I don't believe it's quite how you see it and maybe that's me being an overly-optimistic idiot but at the moment it just doesn't tie in with how things have been between us.

You are on here pouring your heart out. She sent you a Xmas text with a few kisses. I really don't think you are on the same page, op.

She's not wanting to spend what time she has with you. I think that says it all.

I see your point, and have felt a bit frustrated that she hasn't wanted to see me. However as far as I know she's spent the last week with her family as this is the first time she's been at home for Christmas in a number of years, and I can understand her prioritising them over me.

Also she's made it clear she's not in a good place, and wants to have some time and space to think things through, so as much as I'd love to have seen her I need to respect her wishes.

The thing is, if she said that she just wasn't feeling it with me, and wanted to end it I could understand and it would probably be easier to move on from that. However it's all about how she feels she can't deal with normal life currently, let alone a relationship, and she hasn't even said for sure if she still considers us as dating or not.

I think at some point in the new year I need to be more direct and have that conversation once the stresses of Christmas are out the way - it's not unreasonable I think to ask her exactly where I stand.

Wow she sounds like hard work. Tiresome.

I’d walk away now...

You're 45? She sounds about 14.

Move on and find someone who acts like an adult.

It's only really been the last 1-2 weeks that has been hard work - before now it's been great. Really great. So much so I actually saw this working out long term. I'm not inexperienced, and have a good idea of what I want by now in a partner and she ticked all the boxes - more than anyone else I've dated or had a relationship with.

So while my head is hearing you and many others say that, my heart is currently doing its best to ignore it.

I know someone just like this OP. Back right off, give her time to miss you, let her make contact, she absolutely will.

She's an attention seeking timewaster. Sorry, as you sound lovely. She's messing with your head - and seems to have plenty of time for gameplaying online, as opposed to meeting up - so I would stop accepting the crumbs from her table and move on.

Awh OP, my heart goes out to you. You sound so smitten.

I hope I'm not giving you false hope, but I wouldn't lose hope just yet.
I don't agree that she's immature, attention seeking, or stringing you along - she has been clear with the OP that she is going through a difficult time (depression)?

You sound so lovely. I hope she will come through this and come back to you.

In the meantime, try to keep busy and focus your attention on something else

@midep - thanks. I have backed off completely now, and funnily enough she messaged me earlier this evening to tell me about a TV show I'd like. It's not exactly an invite out for our next date, but at the moment any contact is a good sign I think. I know from my own experience if I lose interest in someone, I wouldn't keep getting in touch with them.

@AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet - thanks, I am very smitten :) And I'm also very persistent, and patient. I hope so too - but time will tell! She's even admitted that she's seen a therapist about how she's dealing with this work issue, but she still has some way to go.

In fact, I remember her cancelling a date about 6/7 weeks ago as she couldn't face leaving the house for 2 days. At the time I was worried she'd lost interest in me, but after a long chat I realised how hard she was finding it to cope, and that she did want to see me but didn't want to impose her misery on me. I am wondering if she's been like this before, and had previous partners get angry and frustrated at her behaviour hence why she was worried about my reaction last week.

OP. I feel for you I really do. It's hard when you really like someone. I just think there are a lot of red flags and its early in your relationship to have these issues. You should be wanting to be together lots, especially this time of year. And yes of course she may be suffering with mental health issues.

Why post things on insta when she can send a text with the pics?

It really does seem like hard work, and I think you're making excuses. You are well within your right to find out where you stand, don't blame yourself.

Of course whatever we say, you're going to do what you feel. I wish you luck and I hope you get the outcome you want. Pls update us.

@Ruderidinghood - yeah, I agree although she doesn't like Christmas due to family issues so I guess the last couple of weeks has just added to her stresses. I also agree about the red flags, although looking back on it, it's only really been the last week or two when things have been like this - the previous 2-3 months have had a lot more green flags.

That's a good question - although messaging is quite intense if you're not feeling 100% comfortable, and I did put the pressure on when we spoke at the weekend, so maybe she's worried I'd keep on pushing for an answer.

I can understand it as I did something similar - many years ago, I did a charity event and persuaded the sporting club I was a member of to write a little feature about it in their monthly magazine. The main reason I did this was because I knew my ex (who I wanted to get back with) was a member of the club and would receive the magazine. I figured if she saw me in the magazine doing this event it would make me think of me in a more positive light. We did eventually get back together, and she mentioned seeing me in the magazine so it did work! And it has had the desired effect on me, as I've been thinking about her and these Insta posts much more than if she'd just sent me a text.

Yep - that's the problem with things like this, when feelings are involved it's hard to do what others see as the right thing. I've read many threads where it's quite frustrating to see the poster ignore lots of sensible advice and do what seems like the wrong thing, but when you're on the other side of the fence it's much harder to do! I'll certainly keep you posted though :)

If you are in this for the long game, don't ask her where you stand.

Be nice, be consistent, but let her know you are out and about getting on with your life.

@midep - thanks for the advice. It's hard to back off, as we've spoken every day for the last 6 weeks or so but I'm leaving it to her to contact me, and I'm just replying normally but only really responding to what she says rather than trying to make conversation. I just hope I'm not backing off too much.

Also I really feel unsettled as I honestly don't know if she still thinks we're dating or not. Even when we last met 8 days ago she referred to it as a date, was talking about "us" and most of the conversation after that point was that she was worried about us. It was literally just the final message she sent that said she was feeling it might be better if we left things for now which I read to mean she isn't sure, and even if we do leave things, it wouldn't be final. Then I said I'd give her some space, and that's how it was left.

To me, that's been left that we're still seeing each other, but will speak when she feels better about things - but maybe I'm mis-reading things?

Also, I remembered today that she said almost exactly the same thing about 6 weeks ago - not long after our 3rd date, which is the one she said she realised she liked me. She mentioned that she was in a slump, didn't think she was in the right frame of mind to date and didn't want to waste my time or mess me around. She cancelled a date that night, but then we saw each other 5 days later and had a great time - then we've met a number of times since.

6 weeks ago, my response was very understanding rather than the "I'm worried about us too, please tell me you like me" type replies from me last weekend :(

Why do you think she might put this stuff on Instagram, rather than sending direct to you?

I'm honestly not sure. If I had to guess, I would say that she's feeling pressured by our last conversation and just needs some space (this is what she's said to me). But still wants to let me know that she's still thinking of me as she knows I'm worried. To me, that also ties in with the way she's been in touch over the last few days. Friendly and warm, but infrequent.

Instagram is the only social media she uses, and she knows I follow her. Plus you can see if someone has viewed a story, so she'll know if I've seen it or not.