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Original poster

2 months in and i've found out this lie...would you end it?

103 replies

user63212 · 22/12/2019 11:43

i feel as if i want to give up on online dating now.

is this something to write someone off for? i feel like it is but maybe im being harsh.

wont say which profession as outing but me and recently dating man - let's call him Pete - work in the same one. after 3 or 4 dates we talked about how hard it was to get into the profession, general funny bits about typical interviews and so on.he told me he was officially qualified in this profession in 2016.

by chance last night i met someone who worked with him! it sounded like he didnt work in the role he said he did and in fact worked in a less qualified one. i then checked this on an official website where you can search for professionals and lo and behold he's not on there. lying is a HUGE no for me. however, as a child i was lied to regularly and it made me very insecure, so it is possible that because of this i am blowing it out of proportion.

i like this man - not head over heels but interested. this has made me stop in my tracks though. not sure if relevant but i am very ambitious and ive done well so far so it is possible he felt intimidated by that.. but i sense i am masking excuses. just dont lie, surely?!

OP posts:
Original poster
user63212 · 22/12/2019 11:44

making not masking!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 22/12/2019 11:44

Why not ask him outright?

ElloBrian · 22/12/2019 11:45

So he is junior to you? Hmm I can see why he might not have wanted to admit that. But yes it would put me off. I would ask him to tell the truth and see what he says and how he handles it. If he reacts aggressively or evasively then that would be it for me, I think.

Blushingm · 22/12/2019 11:46

His name isn't drew - is it?

ringme · 22/12/2019 11:48

That’s odd behaviour and would put me off. If he lies so easily and freely about it then what else is he capable of.
I’d have another conversation and check with him in case some wires have got mixed up to see what he says and as pp said how he replies.

CatalogueUniverse · 22/12/2019 11:48

I’d ditch him because he lied rather than say he was less qualified than you. Which is rather damning.

Original poster
user63212 · 22/12/2019 11:48

i will ask him outright but not seen him yet.

just not sure whether i am being a bit harsh?

he is technically junior to me and also is now quite far behind me professionally, compared with what i thought before. im just annoyed he's lied. we also talked at length about getting into the profession and how hard it was and he was very detailed about it all.

OP posts:
OceanSunFish · 22/12/2019 11:49

If he had exaggerated a bit about how senior his role is, then that would be forgiveable. But are you saying that he claimed he qualified as an accountant (or whatever your profession is) in 2016 and he is not actually a qualified accountant at all? That is a bare faced lie - definitely finish with him?

Mistlewoeandwhine · 22/12/2019 11:49

I would end it. Once a liar, always a liar.

Didiusfalco · 22/12/2019 11:49

Hmm, , I wouldn’t be very keen on this. He has lied and it shows he is insecure. I think given your background you don’t need this.

Pinkbonbon · 22/12/2019 11:51

Is he not in the company at all or just not in as-qualified of a role?

Not being on sites like linkedin doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't do the job...

Original poster
user63212 · 22/12/2019 11:51

weirdly i feel sort of insulted that he has lied. i mean why not just say he's working his way to get to X. how would he even think that would stack up down the line

i also know the answer...he will say he didnt want me to think he wasnt ambitious, he wasnt into his job, etc etc etc. and now i wont know how to respond because he has lied to make me think a certain way. i actually wouldnt have cared if he had told me the truth.

OP posts:
Anotheruser02 · 22/12/2019 11:51

I would always question everything after that, so I couldn't enjoy a close relationship with someone who lied so convincingly.

RLEOM · 22/12/2019 11:51

If he's happy to lie from the start, get rid.

I don't care if it's because he feels lesser than you, he's stupid to think he can lie and get away with it when he could possibly have a relationship with you. Did he think you won't find out? If so, he will be more than happy to continue lying.

dontgobaconmyheart · 22/12/2019 11:52

Yes I'd end it OP and I suspect you'd regret it later if you ignored what is a massive red flag. Especially as you have issues that go much deeper concerning trust and dishonesty, why set up shop with someone who has already triggered that who has demonstrated they are happy to lie to suit their own agenda.

He must have known you could search for him Confused - maybe he lied thinking it would impress or create sufficient rapport to get a shag out of it but it's ended up lasting longer than he anticipated. Either way he can't think that highly of your intellect if he thinks you would not have worked it out.

Sorry OP, it's shit isn't it and a let down. Don't stick with him because of sunk cost fallacy though Flowers

Original poster
user63212 · 22/12/2019 11:53

yes he has said he is qualified in a profession when he is actually a few years off qualifying.

it is the fact he has discussed it all with me.

i am quite upfront and also passionate about my work so i talk about it a lot. undoubtedly i will have given the impression i care about work and i like ambition. but i dont think that excuses it?!

OP posts:
fedup21 · 22/12/2019 11:53

he told me he was officially qualified in this profession in 2016.

Are you saying that eg he says he qualified as a teacher in 2016 but you’ve found out that he’s a TA and isn’t a teacher at all?

Or is it that he is a teacher but only actually qualified in 2018?

I think the detail is important here-I’m not sure what he’s actually lied about

CatalogueUniverse · 22/12/2019 11:54

I would bet a pound to a penny he didn’t want to be less than you. When did you qualify? Does he know is it after 2016?

No ambitious woman should be in a relationship with a man who is not comfortable with being a lower earner. It would be toxic.

fedup21 · 22/12/2019 11:54

Sorry, cross posts.

by chance last night i met someone who worked with him!

I would tell him this in a ‘guess who I ran into last night-Joe Bloggs!’ and see what he says...

Original poster
user63212 · 22/12/2019 11:55

he is still working towards qualification - could be another 2 - 4 years before he qualifies depending on the route he has chosen.

he told me he had qualified two years ago.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/12/2019 11:55

Obviously he was bigging himself up partly because you were already there. If it's something like you're a solicitor and he's a paralegal, but he's doing his lpc, with no training contract, it's kind of an odd lie, you were always going to find out.

I think I'd be more concerned about his need to big himself up, and his need to compete with you that I'd have an issue with. It's seldom going to change in the long run and what if he never gets to where you are?

RLEOM · 22/12/2019 11:55

Also, people who lie like this can't hack life and ownership of mistakes. "Oh, I lied because I knew it would hurt you," will be the basis on which he lives. Why tell the truth when you can avoid arguments altogether by lying?

Mabelface · 22/12/2019 11:56

He lied. I couldn't continue with this.

Original poster
user63212 · 22/12/2019 11:56

ive been qualified around 4 years. i just dont get it. although he doesnt know about the childhood, he knows damn well how i feel about lying. and anyway that should be a given.

OP posts:
YoungHun · 22/12/2019 11:56

If he is not confident enough to be who he really is and has to lie, coz that what it is a bare faced lie, then you're not starting on an equal footing.

If you were junior to him, would you lie? No of course not.

Leave now, lying is a HUGE red flag.

I mean what else will he have lied about, what school he went to, how many kids he has!

No no no no

Get out!

I've been OLD for some time and a lie is a HUGE red flag!