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Original poster

2 months in and i've found out this lie...would you end it?

103 replies

user63212 · 22/12/2019 11:43

i feel as if i want to give up on online dating now.

is this something to write someone off for? i feel like it is but maybe im being harsh.

wont say which profession as outing but me and recently dating man - let's call him Pete - work in the same one. after 3 or 4 dates we talked about how hard it was to get into the profession, general funny bits about typical interviews and so on.he told me he was officially qualified in this profession in 2016.

by chance last night i met someone who worked with him! it sounded like he didnt work in the role he said he did and in fact worked in a less qualified one. i then checked this on an official website where you can search for professionals and lo and behold he's not on there. lying is a HUGE no for me. however, as a child i was lied to regularly and it made me very insecure, so it is possible that because of this i am blowing it out of proportion.

i like this man - not head over heels but interested. this has made me stop in my tracks though. not sure if relevant but i am very ambitious and ive done well so far so it is possible he felt intimidated by that.. but i sense i am masking excuses. just dont lie, surely?!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/12/2019 12:37

Ten weeks isn't long. But quite frankly I'd assume that when he lied he either didn't wish a relationship with you, so thought it irrelevant, or he's quite dim and didn't think it through.

Either way not appealing.

MitziK · 22/12/2019 12:39

You could say that you met somebody who worked with him and had a very interesting conversation.

It would be morbidly fascinating to see what response he gives.

And then dump him

mnahmnah · 22/12/2019 12:42

I think it really all comes down to asking him outright and seeing how he responds. His reactions will give away whether it is genuine pride, intimidated by you, embarrassment. Or if he is a liar and can’t be trusted. I would definitely put him on the spot and ask what else he may be lying about and judge him on the reaction to that too.

lifeisgoodmostofthetime · 22/12/2019 12:42

Red flags. He was going to reel you in and then when you'd fallen for him tell you. Been there and it's not acceptable. He's a liar and if he was genuine and honest he would have said this is me... Accept me or don't.

Mermaidsinthesand · 22/12/2019 12:45

I would just say dont come and see me tonight I'm not interested anymore then block.

How was he going to explain his pay if you two both lived together? Dont think any more of it hes not worth it

Branleuse · 22/12/2019 12:45

I think I wouldnt trust a word he said properly after that. Hes shot himself in the foot.
Far too comfortable lying

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 22/12/2019 12:49

Another one saying that, however you slice this, it isn't good. Some or all of the following are the case:

  1. He is the kind of man who can't bear to have a woman be his equal, never mind his professional superior. Men like this require the women in their lives to be constantly bolstering and cheerleading them, at the same time as making themselves and their own achievements smaller and smaller. The truth is, you will never be able to sufficiently reassure him, and you will never be able to make yourself small enough to make him finally 'secure'.

  2. He has such a low regard for your intellect that he assumed you wouldn't find out.

  3. He thought your relationship would be casual, so he could lie to you freely because he assumed you didn't matter.

  4. He is delusional, and genuinely believes the things he is saying

  5. He lies about other things and this lie is just one of many

  6. He was so attracted to you that he rashly decided in the moment that he had to impress you and just blurted it out in the moment. Now he doesn't know how to tell you the truth

NB: number six is what he will probably say but it is BULLSHIT

Why is it bullshit? Because a) the level of detail he went into - that was not a spur of the moment decision, it was a lengthy and protracted lie, b) he must have had subsequent conversations with you about his "job" and has maintained the fiction, and c) he has had ample opportunity to say "Look, I feel really awkward, but I made it sound like my job was abc, when actually its xyz". That he can't find a way to say that shows a worrying lack of emotional maturity.

AnotherEmma · 22/12/2019 12:52

Just walk away. The fact that you are even asking the questions makes me worry about your standards tbh.

WatchingFriendsOnRepeat · 22/12/2019 12:58

My thoughts are that it's not even so much as the ONE lie about his professional position/qualification, it's all the lies that it sounds like he has told to you to support that lie - how difficult the interviews were, the laughing over it together... it all feels so yucky that I wouldn't trust him after this, even if I wanted to - respect will have been tarnished and every step up the professional ladder he takes from now on, whilst with you, will be kind of "meh" and it will be hard to be happy for him. Also, if you hadn't found out he wasn't what he said he was, would he have lied for 2-4 years and then for the rest of your lives, if you were to get married and have children? If you were head over heels for him and went down that route, what about when applying for mortgages etc... would he have hidden it and covered up one lie after another?
I'm sorry, but long term, it sounds awful. Ditch him, he won't understand and will give you all sorts of excuses that will sound justifiable and may even make you feel sorry for him and guilty, but ultimately he lied from the start and has carried on lying for the duration of your relationship so far and so what else could he have lied about?
He may even try and lie his way out of this lie - it's common practice! He could say to you that he never said he had qualified then and had only started his training then; that you are mistaken/confused/going crazy! His stories of interviews and entry into the profession could be excused by him retelling other people's stories and you must have misunderstood him...
Get out of the gaslighting cycle before he even has a chance to try and gaslight you!
Although please confront him and ask him, as I'm sure we are all curious as to what his reaction will be!
Good luck WineThanks

IncrediblySadToo · 22/12/2019 12:58

The man is either a fool or thinks you are...that’s nit very appealing is it.

It’s nit even ‘a’ lie, or extension of the truth. It’s a who series of lies and completely fabricated conversations where he took you for such a fool he thought you’d never notice/find out.

I’d want to be 100% sure, but if I was I’d bin him & make sure he was clear about why. Fuckwit.

Sorry you’re going through this 🌷 but as you can see, you’re NOT being harsh, in fact, you’d be an utter idiot to stay with him because his ability to lie to your face is already perfected and he thinks you’re stupid enough to swallow his lies...a future like that is set for disaster!

EmbarrassingMama · 22/12/2019 13:07

I work in the legal profession but I’m not a qualified lawyer. I would never say - explicitly or implied - that I was qualified and I think it’s really bad form for someone else to do the same. Ditch.

LizzieSiddal · 22/12/2019 13:09

I’d tell him outright that you’re confused about his employment. Let him explain why he’s lied.

Then I’d probably dump him.

northernlittledonkey · 22/12/2019 13:12

Just ask him. He wanted to impress, it’s backfired but if you give him the chance to explain & then make up your mind.

bottlenose301 · 22/12/2019 13:19

I'd chat to him outright and see what he says before deciding what to do.

I'm not sure it's a deal breaker but in your shoes I'd be on my guard

MzHz · 22/12/2019 13:20

He’s had 10 weeks to undo that lie

He’s lied and lied and lied every time the subject of work has been discussed

This man lies easily, you will never fully believe him in anything

Time to do what you have to do.

Whatnameisgood · 22/12/2019 13:21

Definitely end it. If he’s lied about this he could easily lie about other stuff. It clearly wasn’t a one off fib in the heat of the moment but quite a lot of detail

Sushiroller · 22/12/2019 13:23

I'd end it.

10 weeks in you aren't that invested. He isn't comfortable with who he is and clearly can't handle you "are better" than him. This will only get worse.

I'd walk asap.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/12/2019 13:24

It’s pathetic, and it’s grossly deceitful. I couldn’t spend another five minutes in his company. You can’t trust him.

enjoyingscience · 22/12/2019 13:29

I’d have to end it. Even if he owns up and is very apologetic, I don’t think I could ever muster up enough respect to date someone who had behaved like that in the first place.

Perid0t · 22/12/2019 13:31

I think it’s difficult to see a future with someone who lies in such an obvious way - how could the relationship go forward to marriage etc without you finding out? To me it says he’s not in it long term, so I’d definitely cut my losses and end it.

GoodBoyPeachGoodBoy · 22/12/2019 13:31

Could he be dating under a different name and that is why you couldn't find him on the list ? Could he be qualified under a different name or a double barrelled name.

I am a qualified person but I am listed under a different name to the one that everyone knows me by.

Just wondered.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 22/12/2019 13:33

I excused a few white lies/discrepancies when I first started dating my ex. I really shouldn't have. I now realise he is a total liar and gaslighter. He will insist he is being honest despite all concrete evidence to the contrary.

Another friend dated someone who was dishonest about his ex partner and their break up. He was embarrassed about the situation and didn't want it to put off my friend. He was a decent man and despite their relationship not working out in the end - he admitted the true situation as long term it wouldn't be viable for her not to find out.

Bjorksswandress · 22/12/2019 13:35

I agree. If, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he was trying to impress you and blurted out that he was further in his career then he was (which is still not at all ok), he has had 10 weeks to set you straight. He hasn’t. He’s been keeping up with the lie. That’s not a good foundation for a relationship at all. He sounds any or all of the following: insecure, a fantasist, dodgy when it comes to morals, a player or a lying idiot.

You deserve a lot better.

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/12/2019 13:36

The OP found out from someone who actually works with him GoodBoyPeachGoodBoy.

Helspopje · 22/12/2019 13:40

My ex lied and said he had a uni degree
We were already married when he fronted up that he wasn't getting jobs and so needed to do an ou degree to compete.

He said he’d lied at first as I was so impressively well qualified and couldn’t back down and got caught out when we actually ended up together and he needs to come out with the truth.

I think being truthful is important but people do lie when they feel insecure or are worried. Rev Richard Coles is a decent sort and he got caught out lying about thinking he had HIV. It happens. Confessing and asking to be forgiven are key imho. The OPs BF didn’t do this.