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Original poster

2 months in and i've found out this lie...would you end it?

103 replies

user63212 · 22/12/2019 11:43

i feel as if i want to give up on online dating now.

is this something to write someone off for? i feel like it is but maybe im being harsh.

wont say which profession as outing but me and recently dating man - let's call him Pete - work in the same one. after 3 or 4 dates we talked about how hard it was to get into the profession, general funny bits about typical interviews and so on.he told me he was officially qualified in this profession in 2016.

by chance last night i met someone who worked with him! it sounded like he didnt work in the role he said he did and in fact worked in a less qualified one. i then checked this on an official website where you can search for professionals and lo and behold he's not on there. lying is a HUGE no for me. however, as a child i was lied to regularly and it made me very insecure, so it is possible that because of this i am blowing it out of proportion.

i like this man - not head over heels but interested. this has made me stop in my tracks though. not sure if relevant but i am very ambitious and ive done well so far so it is possible he felt intimidated by that.. but i sense i am masking excuses. just dont lie, surely?!

OP posts:
Ash39 · 22/12/2019 12:00

I would actually question his intelligence. You are in the same profession. Most professions, especially in the same local area are generally a really really small pond. You were bound to realise the truth sooner rather than later.
It's a lie, and I'd be dumping him

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/12/2019 12:00

It's been 2 months, if he believed there was a future with you he would have come clean, unless he was planning to lie forever. I'd dump him OP.

Cacklingmags · 22/12/2019 12:01

I would end it because he is not taking the relationship seriously. If you stay together he knows he would be found out.

Winterdaysarehere · 22/12/2019 12:02

Would make me question every answer he gave from here on tbh.
Ltb.

fedup21 · 22/12/2019 12:03

I would tell him you know he’s not qualified just out of curiosity to know why he lied. Then I would finish things.

I would want him to know I finished things because he lied to me.

Sleepforever · 22/12/2019 12:06

Leave. It can't work from here.

Original poster
user63212 · 22/12/2019 12:06

conflicted because part of me wants to say it's ok and re assure him, tell him he doesnt need to feel intimidated, that i dont care about the label, i care that he works hard (he does).

the other part of me feels frustrated and angry that all i want is to settle down with someone who is mature enough to respect me and not lie, even if they feel intimidated or embarrassed...because then, there and then, i could have re assured him if needed. NOT later, after having been lied to for months.

ffs

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/12/2019 12:08

Sorry, how long have you been seeing him?

mamato3lads · 22/12/2019 12:09

Yuck

This would put me right off...especially all the detail he went into. Making me cringe.

I'd steer well clear, lying, insecure men are nobody's friend.

How can u fancy him now? Or believe anything he says ????

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/12/2019 12:10

conflicted because part of me wants to say it's ok and re assure him
Fuck that. His lying is not OK and you shouldn't be put in a position where you feel you have to tell him it is.

Original poster
user63212 · 22/12/2019 12:10

about ten weeks. not had the relationship chat though.

OP posts:
FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 22/12/2019 12:10

I can't be doing with men who need constant reassurance over their own life choices. I'd be out of there like a flash.

As for you really liking him, go back over all the events all the conversations while realising he was choosing to lie to you because of some weird wrinkle in his head? Are they still nice memories?

leafyskyline · 22/12/2019 12:15

Red flags all over the place here OP.

He had entire conversations made up of lies with you. I've been with a liar before who always had an excuse for it, always a reason why you should forget it and move on. Don't. It will not get any better.

You now know he is fully able and willing to lie to your face when it suits him. Most women get a lot further into a relationship before they discover their shitty partners have this trait. This has been a lucky escape for you OP!

happycamper11 · 22/12/2019 12:16

Is it possible the info hasn't been updated? Maybe he's further along than you realise. I'd chat to him to find out what he's got to say but yes lying would put me off. I don't think your past is causing you to react differently to anyone else

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 22/12/2019 12:18

100% this will be the red flag you regret ignoring if you stay. If someone can lie so openly to your face, what else are they capable of?

It's not your job to look after, reassure, build up this man and it's a very dangerous mindset to feel responsible for other peoples feelings.

I actually think this is a really big lie. He clearly has some issues and is insecure/has an inferiority complex but that's for him to deal with and I don't think he is in the right place in himself to be dating. Don't let yourself get sucked into what will be an awful relationship dynamic with this man. You deserve someone who is happy with who they are.

CodLiverOil556 · 22/12/2019 12:18

I'm at the same point with a new man - 10 weeks in although we have had the relationship chat and are very much committed. I think he's my soulmate however if I found out he's lied then it's a dealbreaker for me and he knows this. I said at the very start I have 2 rules - 1) don't ever lie to me (not even small ones) 2) don't ever ignore me. These are both dealbreakers for me due to past issues - new man understands these and abides by them. Follow your instincts

ThirtyAndASmidgen · 22/12/2019 12:18

I’m in a similar profession and take a dim view of people who lie about it. I once came across an interview candidate who’d told almost exactly the same lie (that she’d already gained the qualification but in fact had only just started the exams toward it). I declined to interview her and told the recruiter why. I would definitely be dumping in your situation. He’s a liar and he’s also disrespectful to you and what you’ve achieved.

dottiedodah · 22/12/2019 12:21

I think he probably feels intimidated by you and was trying to keep up appearances TBH .I think you should talk to him about it and see what he says .If he denies it ,or plays it down then its up to you. But if he has lied outright about this, it doesnt bode very well for your future together as he would be hard to trust.

NothingIsWrong · 22/12/2019 12:22

I work in a similar regulated profession and I would bin without a second thought. I took my qualification very seriously and worked long hours to get it. Someone lying about that would be a total turn off.

Blendette · 22/12/2019 12:23

So I’m guessing that he’s a medical student but said he’s a doctor. If I’m right then I think that shows really poor judgment on his part. I would be very upset.

Aussiebean · 22/12/2019 12:25

I think the key here is that it wasn’t a one off lie in passing.

It was a prolonged lie. As in it took thought and planning which he continued.

Plus he didn’t tell you he lied. You found out. It will taint everything from now on.

Ash39 · 22/12/2019 12:30

Professionalism is something I take very seriously. I'd be considering reporting him to your professional regulator ( but probably wouldn't in reality,... )

gingersausage · 22/12/2019 12:33

Over the years I’ve come to realise that lots of people lie about lots of things. Like you I absolutely loathe lying, but it seems that people who do it don’t see it in the same way that people who see it as a dealbreaker do. I honestly think there’s something different in liars’ brains that makes them incapable of understanding why lying is such a huge problem for others.

I’ve worked with so many people who just bullshit their way through every single day, and if they do it at work it obviously doesn’t stop when they get home. I’m so glad I’m not back in the dating game now; I couldn’t cope with wading through all the gobshites.

Beautiful3 · 22/12/2019 12:34

Lying is a big no no to me. You cannot have a good basis for a relationship, if it's already built on lies. Tell him that you know and see what he says, explain that you dont like being lied to.

pictish · 22/12/2019 12:35

Well now you know he will lie and quite elaborately at that. I’d be wary too. He will have a self-deprecating excuse for it no doubt, but it wasn’t a spur of the moment, impulsive lie...it was deliberately deceptive.
Not a good trait going forward is it?