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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this piss anyone else off or am I just being a moody cow!?!?

60 replies

christmasstress · 21/12/2019 13:46

My DP of four years came over to mine last night. I've just got a new bed and bedding. He sleeps with one pillow, I always have two. He got into bed and immediately began to main that he couldn't possibly sleep with it, it's no good and too low. I suggest he tried to exchange it with one of mine but still no good. He was getting stroppy saying 'he won't get any sleep' and then takes one of mine and says two is much better. Then said he couldn't possibly sleep just with the one to which I said great now I won't get any sleep, after which he told me to 'not be funny with him'. I had a shit nights sleep, woke up with a crick in my neck began to wonder why his comfort matters so much more than mine!!

I know it is beyond irritating to have a pillow that isn't right but it felt so much like as long as he was comfy all was good and I could suffer!

Am I just being a petty cow?!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
christmasstress · 21/12/2019 14:31

@MarianaMoatedGrange I'm not sure. I had another thread on here which explains the situation that lead to me dumping him. The day after I felt awful, completely heartbroken. He was very measured and reasonable - didn't get upset, didn't miss a stride and told me he would help me practically if I need it and I found myself saying we could try long distance again if he wanted. I was a bloody fool. I'll link the thread in a mo - I just wanted this to be stand alone so I could see if my own reactions were on point really! I've lost faith in myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
christmasstress · 21/12/2019 14:33

Is my DP controlling me? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3734940-Is-my-DP-controlling-me

OP posts:
Original poster
christmasstress · 21/12/2019 14:35

Need to finish relationship tonight- advice needed. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3744242-need-to-finish-relationship-tonight-advice-needed

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 21/12/2019 14:48

So you left his house but not him.

Original poster
christmasstress · 21/12/2019 14:50

@MarianaMoatedGrange yes I suppose so. I did properly break up with him but like I said we agreed to try a different way forward.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 21/12/2019 14:53

But it's not going well is it? He's still controlling you. Do you really want to start the next decade like this?

FizzyGreenWater · 21/12/2019 14:56

He's quite nasty. Selfish, controlling, bit petty, likes his own way and gets it by managing you pretty well it seems.

You either finish it or you keep telling yourself you 'love' a man who is unpleasant and uncaring towards you and sees you as less than him, and you stay generally miserable.

Original poster
christmasstress · 21/12/2019 14:59

I think not going well is the understatement of the century @MarianaMoatedGrange!!!! It ain't working!

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 21/12/2019 15:02

I've just read your other threads.

I'd love to know what 'trying a different way forward' means with a man who is:

-tight as fuck to the point he tries his best to cheat and fleece you;

  • is moody and bad tempered;
  • is controlling to the point of telling you off for squeezing toothpaste incorrectly;
  • is a pathetic, irritating chavuinist pig - 'good woman' when you've cooked? - you HAVE SEX with something so unpleasant?

He's just an absolute bottom feeder. Your choice is REALLY SIMPLE - dump this piece of shit, properly kick him out of your life OR you stay miserable and get the pleasure of also seeing your child watch you get belittled, bossed around, fleeced for cash and then start treating you the same way when they are older.

Horrible horrible horrible man.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 21/12/2019 15:03

I think you're doing well, OP - you've done most of the hard work, and now just need to rip the final bit of the plaster off. It can be hard to do it all in one go, but my guess is that you'll feel better once it's done. You don't actually want to be going out with him, you just feel anxious about causing him pain/upset, which is understandable, if illogical.

End the relationship - you already know how he'll react (you've had a practice run already) so you know he is unlikely to turn violent/threaten suicide/start crying and begging.

Having wobbles after you've broken up with someone is normal, but this time you'll know not to confuse it for genuine regret. Have a happy christmas!

FizzyGreenWater · 21/12/2019 15:04

The day after I felt awful, completely heartbroken. He was very measured and reasonable - didn't get upset, didn't miss a stride and told me he would help me practically if I need it and I found myself saying we could try long distance again if he wanted. I was a bloody fool.

That's him managing you. He wasn't upset - he doesn't love you and if you stuck to it he'd call you an ugly bitch and move on - but he likes the sex and squeezing you for cash so he sat tight, put on his most 'I am a reasonable caring man, you'd be a fool to dump me' act and you did exactly what he knew you'd do. Played you like a violin.

Please tell him it is over and spend a more relaxed Christmas without him.

DareDevil223 · 21/12/2019 15:05

Ditch the nasty fucker and have a merry and peaceful Christmas and a free and happy New Year with your DS.

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 21/12/2019 15:06

Get rid properly this time. Ultimate Christmas present for yourself. Give him his £60 back. Dump him before Christmas. He doesn't deserve you at Christmas.

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2019 15:10

Dump him properly and don't get back with him
He's a knob

ohwheniknow · 21/12/2019 15:11

It's still an abusive relationship. That won't change. And you won't be able to start trusting yourself again until you're completely free of it and have healed.

The day after I felt awful, completely heartbroken.

That's normal, even after escaping an abusive relationship. It's called grief. Doesn't mean you made a mistake by ending things, it means you're a human with emotions and dreams you'd invested in someone who turned out to be an abuser. If you'd given it time it would have passed.

Next time break contact completely so he can't mess with your head, be kind to yourself and give yourself time and space to grieve and rebuild yourself. Do the Freedom Programme, get therapy, work on yourself.

Original poster
christmasstress · 21/12/2019 15:40

Thanks everyone. This is so exhausting emotionally! I am pleased with my personal progress so far - I've not only left him but applied for a college course and completely changed direction. I regret not properly breaking up with him tbh. I am taking on board each and every comment. Thank you xxxx

OP posts:
fedup21 · 21/12/2019 15:45

I've not only left him but applied for a college course and completely changed direction.

You’ve left him and applied for a college course all in the last 2 hours since you posted?

Original poster
christmasstress · 21/12/2019 15:48

No @fedup21 - I left him on the 19th of November and got offered a place on the course on Wednesday. I did post my previous thread. We agreed to try long distance again which brings us to here.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 21/12/2019 15:53

I think the only thing you need to focus on here is you have stayed with him because you weakened - not moving forwards with your life without this negative relationship is weakened, pre and simple, and you cannot let your weakness make your decisions. They will always be bad decisions.

We all have weakness and ending relationships is so hard, but there’s nothing to discuss other than how you will find the strength to decide to end it.

Original poster
christmasstress · 21/12/2019 15:55

Yes @AtrociousCircumstance I think you at right.

OP posts:
GenuineKlatchianPottery · 21/12/2019 16:10

Give him his £60 back and tell him to fuck off. Tell him to take your name off his family’s presents and you’ll do the same.
My 2nd H was an almighty sulker and would “punish” me by refusing to talk to me for days at a time. It nearly broke me and I put up with it for far too long. I can’t tell you the relief I felt when he finally packed his bag and walked. Nor the look of shock on his face when I didn’t try and stop him.

fastliving · 21/12/2019 17:59

My bed. My rules.
Tell him to fuck off home.

sonjadog · 21/12/2019 18:18

I haven't read your previous threads, but from what you write here, it sounds like you are taking your life in a really positive direction but you still have this negative and not very nice boyfriend weighing you down. Time to let him go too. Just from the things you write in this thread, he doesn't sound like someone you would want to keep around. The pillow thing sounds minor at first, but would you sleep comfortably in someone's new bed knowing that you had just ruined their night´s sleep?? I bet you wouldn't as that would make you a selfish arsehole.

TheMustressMhor · 21/12/2019 18:28

@christmasstress

He really sounds like an abusive, mean-spirited man, without whom you would be so much happier.

There is no reason why you can't be out of a relationship and still be happy.

All the things you post about him suggest that he is really nasty and that you'd ultimately be happier without him.

The pillow thing is just one more in a long list of selfish and controlling things he does to you.

user1499165682 · 21/12/2019 18:35

Proper twat.
Couldn’t he have got a cushion off the sofa??
Dick.

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