Dating thread 177. Drinking Prosecco on our own trying to arrange a christmas snog

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Marlboroandmalbec34 that made me smile that she swiped left on him. Hope you're enjoying your evening.

Just got home and made a cuppa, stuffing salt and vinegar crisps and chocolate chip cookies in my face 😂

@shitwithsugaron I think I am just way too picky. I don't give things a chance these days- if I'm not feeling it within 30 seconds pretty fast then I'm done with it. He was a nice guy tonight but not as good looking as in his pics and tbh I don't think he was feeling it either. Tbh Alex Turner has always been my one true love, somehow don't think he's on tinder 😂

@midthirtiesandsingle what a fantastic turn around, very pleased for you and glad I was wrong!

My decree absolut is winging it's way to me in the post. It's a great early Christmas present 👏👏

I deleted my irons, taking a day to respond isn't worth it! Why did I bother going back on!

@midthirtiesandsingle aww that’s a lovely story x

I’ve been not too well the last day or 2 so not feeling 100% and have told Mr Moving this. I’m still texting him but I’m not as chatty and tired and flirty. I’ve made it clear I dont feel great. He’s being ‘understanding’ but feels a little needy and irritating like he’s clearly over thinking it and can’t hide feeling anxious. He also has said to me more than once I am ‘hard to read’ but come on. How?! I’ve told him I like him, not dating anyone else at the moment, I’ve slept with him and made some future plans. How is this me being hard to read? It’s pissed me off. If he means that I am not laying my heart out on a platter then, hell no im not

@midthirtiesandsingle that’s absolutely gorgeous - it really is the end of a Christmas movie - so happy for you

@Spritesobright thanks for your comments earlier, I needed to hear someone say that. I know it’s true I just always feel on the back foot with my ex.
When you come out of an abusive relationship how do you actually totally let go and move on? Obviously I feel 100% better being away from him, but I still feel he is able to exert some control as I am still scared of him. And I don’t want to be.....

@Savoretti i too am scared of my ex but I think as time goes on, I'm able to rationalise that I could call the police if I need to, plus I see more it's a control thing on his part and nothing to do with me. Certainly does make me wary about new dates etc though.

@Menora he does sound very needy. And you’ve not known him a long time either. A lot of us maybe get a little paranoid on messages back or if people’s tone changes but for most people that’s a brief thing and we don’t say anything. I would think if you don’t confront it now it would get worse in future

Savoretti I meant to say on the last thread that your ex has no right to 'demand' any of that. Nor do you need to reply to those demands. I really do understand being scared of an ex. And for me it's taken time and counselling to get to the point where I mostly think 'you sad fucker' when I get a nasty email from my ex. I have a policy now of ' no JADE' with him. So I never (J) justify, (A) argue, (D) defend or (E) explain. Because that's what people like this want, there are no arguments or explanations that mean they'll suddenly realise what a cock they're being 😂

Am still on the smitten bench - cannot believe my amazing good luck to have met Mr BC and I've finally realised what a relationship is supposed to be like! I sometimes wake up to long messages where he tells me how he feels about me 😍

Ant congrats on the Absolute!

@Jane1978xx

I’ve already talked to him about it. This is about his needs not my behaviour so I’m not pandering to it and giving him reassurance. On the one hand finally someone is in touch with his emotions but he needs to keep those bastards in check and not burden me with them. It will completely put me off him

@BatshitCrazyWoman I love that. And will remember no JADE. As you say - there is nothing I can say that will make him realise my point of view over anything so it really is pointless.
Thanks - sometimes you just need someone to back you up so you know you are in the right...

@Menora. No you don’t need to change anything you do as long as he’s aware

I have a new iron, I had 2 others but I got rid as I still like Mr Straight. He's a dead end though so I am chatting to Mr Aerospace.

No point clinging onto something with Mr Straight that won't happen ( if I repeat enough I will hopefully believe it)

Savoretti it is hard to put it into practice - my knee jerk reaction when my ex accused me of something or expressed his displeasure was to JADE! I think this is what happens in an abusive relationship. It's taken time and a shift in my attitude to be able to do it. But each time you do (ignore him, disagree or whatever) it gets easier.

@savoretti I have another revelation hit me this week that goes well with JADE.
Just because no one else is prepared to tell your ex he's wrong, doesn't mean he's right. It just shows that other people know he's a knob and it's not your (my) lack of infinite detailed explanation, with allegorical stories, comparison tales or anything else that's stopping him seeing your (my) perspective. He just doesn't care unless it's an opportunity to manipulate, control and metaphorically pose with his foot on your corpse and his gun at his hip a la great white hunters.
Sadly although divorce is final, children are shared, at least for the next few years and he sees this as so many opportunities to carry on controlling and bullying.

mid congratulations! Wonderful news.

This time next week Mr G will be in the country. 😍

“there are no arguments or explanations that mean they'll suddenly realise what a cock they're being 😂” ... @BatshitCrazyWoman that is it EXACTLY. I’d never heard of JADE but I need to do this with my ex. He makes me feel SO guilty if I ever go out and leave my (almost adult) DD for a few hours, even to go to the gym or work late, and he rarely sees her and does exactly what he likes while telling his family what a bastard I am. Everyone tells me a version of the above, but doesn’t put it as eloquently. As you can imagine it’s a barrier to OLD . As is my contrary nature tbh. Having arranged a date on Monday (his idea) but not confirmed a time Mr Beard has gone quiet so not optimistic. I find I can’t always tell which irons I like best until they ask me out and I either prevaricate or move my schedule to fit them in, which I did for Mr Beard. And now think he’s probably found someone he prefers in the meantime (he works away in the week). Disappointed!

Congratulations on the decree nisi @Ant330

And @shitwithsugaron just want to say you sound an amazing woman and admiring your resolve here. Sorry you are going through all this.

I’m I’ll in bed today. Happens every year when I finish work, I crash the next day. Still got all my Christmas shopping to do too

Hmmm just had a lovely few hours with a new iron. Lots of chat. At the end peck on the cheek. Have a lovely Christmas. What do I do now

soso what do you mean - message him?

Yes do I message him or wait for him to message me?

@Sosounhappy personally I wait. It's not game playing. I just need to know they are keen.

I go with the adage ‘if you’ve got something to say then say it’. If you feel you want to message and say you had a nice time, then do so. It’s only polite.

Will wait till tomorrow and message then

Did he say let me know you get home or anything ? You could mesage nice to meet you if you liked him 🤷🏼‍♀️