Dating thread 177. Drinking Prosecco on our own trying to arrange a christmas snog

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Eesha
It doesn’t help that I wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable/over sensitive and just interpreting it differently than how others might

It isn’t annoying me, I think that’s the wrong word to describe it.... I find it a bit irritating and overwhelming. I also don’t understand it. I’m not a clingy needy person and it doesn’t make sense to me. I’m an anxious person about other things, I understand anxiety so I am not sure if I am making him feel anxious

@saltysally

Really not long. But I do actually like so much about him apart from how he is when we are not together! When we are together he isn’t like this at all. He’s brilliant! He’s fun, funny, sweet, charming, cute, happy, sexy and quite adorable. It’s like he’s got this other side to him that pops out randomly. Like he has major trust issue, or I am doing something wrong that’s making him feel shit, or he’s really insecure. I’m still working out which him is the real him

Menora,give the guy a chance if he has lots of good points. He may have dated someone in the past who loved all the soppy texts. It really is a minefield knowing what people like and at the moment he has no idea he is annoying you. It could be a red flag,or could be some nice guy trying to tell you how much he likes you but going about it wrong.
Happy Christmas all!

There's that saying when someone shows you their true colours colours believe them. I guess it's hard to see which is which. If you do get along really well in the person I'd probably try to talk to him once about it but somehow I don't think he's going to change.

Menorca - you really need to get rid of him. He is the worst type. It won’t end well if you allow him further in.

I hate the idea that you don’t know who the real person is

So,he is insecure when you are apart. Normal when together. Haven't most of us been a bit like this,at the beginning? But he is expressing it through txt when some of us would be bottling it up silently. New relationships are often like this and as long as you're not having to reassure him all the time then surely trust grows?

I guess everyone is different but for me someone being so clingy, telling me I didn't seem ok when I was fine- it would do my head in and for me I would really struggle to be attracted to them after- the insecurity of it all would dry me up completely.

@Menora tbh he sounds like my ex who lovebombed me a bit but agree with PP who said give him a chance and see if it continues to annoy you. Perhaps you need someone more standoffish or who is much cooler about things rather than someone who is very open/potentially clingy. There's no shame in that as we all like different things.

I have just had a row with DD17. It’s not related exactly but I am feeling like shit

She’s going on holiday with my Dsis and family on Thursday, and I appreciate she is stressed and anxious but she’s just been really horrible to me and I was horrible back. I haven’t seen her all day and had missed her. She’s trying to pack her case and asked me for her passport. I have a folder where all of the passports are - I am an organised person and my house is tidy, but like any normal house/person sometimes things are not where you last left them. The passport wasn’t inside the folder it was inside a box that the folder was in. Up until we found it (max 7 minutes) she started ranting at me that I am useless disorganised and always lose everything, and that she’s going to take the passport to her DF’s for safekeeping as HE keeps everything safe and I am just useless.

Needless to say I did not take this well, I have raised them both alone for 12 fucking years, no one has ever lost a passport in my house and I have single handedly done everything for them both with no help from him! I have a better, more senior job that him or anyone in his entire family!

What she is talking about is the shit he comes out with whilst he relaxed back in his child free spotless (boring) house whilst I ran myself ragged bringing up his bloody kids. He didn’t even like their toys - he would offload them all onto me so that I had a messy, plastic filled house and he didn’t. DD has had to bring all her presents home because 1. There is no room in the room she sleeps in which is a storage room and 2. She’s not there enough to use them!

It’s times like this I hate him - not DD. The ungrateful wankstain. Not been to a parents eve in 10 years and never done a school run in his life

I even had to create, print and fill out a consent to travel form for her because I don’t have the same surname as her and I didn’t want Dsis to get stopped at the airport. He then complained he ‘didn’t understand it’. All he had to do was sign his fucking name on it

Unexpectedly had a lovely day, stbx stayed over, and he had bought me presents so all very awkward, but the kids had a lovely morning, then they left at midday, I had a lovely walk in the sunshine, my sister bought me some lovely thoughtful gifts that made me realise I don’t need to be in a relationship for someone to really know me. Is that weird? I think that’s been one of my biggest fears about splitting that’ll I’ll never connect with anyone again, but we never really had that connection his Christmas presents were usually token no thought type!
I’ve deleted all the apps but I’ve got an iron moved on to what’s app, I’m calling him Mr Tash (even though he doesn’t currently have one but he has an impressive one in one photo) he’s lovely, lots of flirty messages, I’m properly on really dangerous ground as we’ve not made plans to meet I’m scared to ask incase he ghosts me and I’d miss his messages!! But I need to put my big girl pants on and ask him!! Not building expectations but it’s a welcome distraction flirting, but I know it’s not real unless we meet!

@TheDevilsPedicure

I don’t like someone trying to work our what’s wrong with me when nothing is wrong. I don’t like being told how I might feel by the fact I don’t text as much as they do.

If I am annoyed I will usually tell someone and why. If I am happy I might just act happy I wouldn’t necessarily feel like I needed to bang on about it. If I was sad I would just say I was sad. If I am busy I am not lying. I don’t lie to people and I don’t sulk or play games. I’ve told him this

I had a stand offish boyfriend before and it was slightly soul destroying so I do want someone who isn’t afraid of having or showing feelings. It’s got to be a balance. I am going to see him again but I feel like I need to bring this up with him at least and see if there is any honesty from him about what is going on in his head. I need to be honest about how it makes me feel when I feel like he is being insecure and asking for reassurance

@Menora reread your post from Xmas eve eve. You really weren't into him then.

I had a lovely day, really lovely. ExH gf is great, no idea what she sees in him. Didn't have a single row with exH which is incredible. But my best male friend came over with his daughter. We had a thing which was complicated. I can't say too much but he really shat on me. He was sleeping with someone else at the same time as me but I forgave him a few mo this later for a variety of reasons which I can't go into here. Anyway we are very close. And the dawning realisation that yes I am still in love with him hit me hard in the face this evening. Maybe it's because it's Xmas, maybe it's because exH and his gf left together. Maybe because it was a year ago we "split up" for want of a better word. He means more to me than anyone. We get on when we're with our kids and when we're not. We swap dating/sex stories and I don't even get jealous. So we're best friends, we like doing similar things, we fancy each other, the second was pretty bloody good. Why aren't we together? Fuck I thought I'd dealt with this one too and we'd moved on to friendship. Maybe it's just gin and Xmas.

Anyway we've nearly got through to Boxing Day. Slaps on back all round. And another large gin/chocolate/slice of cheese...

@Menora it's really hard isn't it. I don't like standoffish either but I actually like a bit of a chase tbh, I find it good fun. So someone who's too soft or seems to like me too much does my head in a bit. Maybe this is my problem 😂

You must be fuming with your ex after that, I'm fully expecting issues like this with my DC as they get older. Being the one that cops all the flak because I'm the one who does you know, the actual parenting.

I do get irrationally fucked off by what a wonderful father he now seems to be to his 3yo with his partner. The stuff he does for that child and his partner he’s never ever done for our children. Why? Why is that?

He takes her to nursery, he takes days off to look after her, she’s got a wonderful lovely bedroom and toys all in the lounge. DD17 sleeps in a storage room and DD15 stopped going 2 years ago because he was horrible to her all the time

She came down to say she is sick of me chatting shit about her DF. Note this is the bloke who got his 3yo, partner and himself matching outfits and got DD17 to take the photo on Xmas eve and she had no outfit and felt left out. And she sleeps in a storage room which I will not forget to mention

I said look why do you think this of me? That I lose everything? She said you are always stressed and rushing and it’s a joke dad has about you ‘what has mummy lost now?’ I said are you joking DD this is not a joke this is hurting my feelings and how can you compare me to him, when he doesn’t have to get up every day and take you both to school and go to his own job, you don’t know if he would be stressed and lose things do you?

She’s gone to bed. I told her I loved her. I’m sitting up in a mood obviously 😂

I would be heartbroken if my DC came out with stuff like that. I have always tried to protect my DC from the worst of my ex's shit, this year especially. I do try to be magnanimous about their behaviour and expect to get dumped on a little bit because I'm the safe parent but that would be too much for me, I think.

I have a gin-induced headache.

I’m a bit pissed. I did some angry self destructive Facebook looking at an ex. Then face licker/boob honker had liked a photo I posted today and I did some flirting with him that I have no intention of ever following through 😂

Feeling very stressed out this morning. Ex is picking up the kids in an hour- I'm usually at work when he collects them and my mum deals with it so I'm dreading it. I've hated being here when he collects them before, it makes me so upset having to say goodbye right before they leave. Somehow doesn't seem so bad when it's a Friday morning and then he's collected them before I get home from work.

So upset at losing time with them because he is such a selfish prick. All the things I have lost because of him- owning my own home, most of all it's losing time with them that I hate. But then hate that I have to do the slog and he does his Disney routine every couple of weeks.

Hate all of it.

Hugs/cake/chocolate to all that need it. These emotions come out at times like Christmas.

Menora I think you are finding Mr Moving's texts irritating because you aren't into him as much as he is you. He's soer if pushed things along in his mind. I can see why you're finding them irritating!

@menora "did some flirting with him that I have no intention of ever following through 😂"
Don't know the back story with this but hope you aren't playing with his heart (or anything else.) doesn't sound fair to him..

Yay Christmas Day is over! It wasn’t too bad here at the tiger den but I didn’t want to be doing it, full stop. I kept up with the thread but didn’t have time to post. Yet again, I am in awe of the fortitude of those who didn’t have their children/endured twattish exes/were alone. You are all amazing.

menora are you going to sit down with oldest DD when she’s back and emotions are less high to talk it through? It sounds like she is reallly struggling with her father’s manipulation of her, but it doesn’t give her the right to be unkind and disrespectful of you. As for Mr Moving, I don’t know - his communication style doesn’t suit you, and IME that is a difficult problem to resolve.

Happy Boxing Day all. I hope those of you who didn't have time with your kids yesterday get it today.
Mine are with the ex until later and I have left Mr Ad in bed and come down to watch Call The Midwife as I am really snotty and need to take some medication 🤒

Ex has just collected the DC, my poor son was crying saying he didn't want to go 😔

We currently have an EOW arrangement and he also has them for some of the time in the holidays. This seems a fair split to me and the best thing for the DC (he doesn't live locally). He has threatened to go for 50/50 in the past but I will fight him tooth and nail. Everything feels like such a battle.

DD2 is going to the ex today and she is begging me to pick her up earlier than he has requested
I hate being in the middle

DD1 does struggle with the manipulation. I can’t talk to her she’s way too enmeshed

No hoover mouth/honker is a twat and I know it and he knows it. I think he thinks he is gods gift to women and has no clue he really isn’t. There is no emotion involved he’s all tiny penis. He’s also a bit self destructive. He reminds me of what I used to be like - and back then I would have wanted to win him. Now I don’t