Am I just as bad?

[Allinadaystwerk]

I have been separated for 8 months from my H of 12 yrs. Throughput our relationship he was angry and moody. He stormed into my life when I was very vulnerable and took over. He made out like He was my big saviour, he stuck up for me like no one else ever had and I was bamboozled by this huge handsome larger than life man. He quickly set about seperating my eldest DD from me followed by a whirlwind of behaviours that are, on reflection so outrageous and controlling. I ended up feeling scared, unsure of myself, chronically ill, financially dependant with low prospects. It ended with me standing up to him as he was about to crush the fragile relationship I had left with my remaining dc with his unreasonable expectations unrealistic demands and scorching temper. I was scared of him from the get go and did not know how to manage. I realise my upbringing was rippled with aggression, violence and DV towards me and between my parents and this forms the basis of why I remained and tried to continue in this toxic situation that has almost ruined me.. it was my normal. I'd just slipped back into what I was used to as a child.
Though we are separated we have to communicate for our joint DS and financials. I have been sucked back in once or twice but on the whole have been working hard on myself to recover. It is extremely difficult and almost feels impossible.
Anyway yesterday we had an appointment to talk about a settlement. We travelled together (which I now regret). After the meeting which was upsetting as I realised my predicament and he made out he has goodwill and will not pursue 50/50 custody etc. I left feeling unsettled. On the journey home he started making demands that I and my family need to show him respect and he wants evidence that have worked to ensure they fo that...i said "I'm struggling to unserstand..." to which He screeched to a stop and shouted in my face. I jumped and then saw red like I have never done before. I yelled back LOUDLY! I told all about himself and who he really is andwhat he has done to me. I threw it all at him all guns blazing. I felt lije ripping his face off I was so angry. The barrage coming from my mouth was unstoppable. I kept trying to stop but I couldn't a just wanted him to know. He tried to have a go back saying I hate you you are no wife of mine, you are going to suffer, etc but I did not care I just carried on shouting and insulting him. Then it went silent. We got to my home and I got out the car and said a cheery 'bye then' and he sped off.
I feel ashamed of myself.
Where did this come from? Am I the abusive one now? I dont recognise my behaviour in me but i have seen it many times in others close to me.

Will this happen again? How can I stop it?

Ps. apologies for the Long post I'm just so out of sorts

You just gave him a taste of his own medicine. Well done

All bully’s are cowards and I suspect he will be far less aggressive in future. If not, more of the same from you

Nah, sounds like he had it coming, sometimes uou need to give as good as you get.

Love the fact you said a cheery good bye when you left though. 😄

Hmmm. Not abusive. Abuse carrys on for a period of time normally but you have only shouted at him once from what you are saying...
Well done for sticking up for your self

Self defense is no offence.
Repeat that to yourself every time you start to wonder if you are just as bad as him - Self defense is no offence.

And never get into his car again, he has shown he will use any situation as a means to abuse and control you.

Well done you.

He's a bully and this time you didnt take it.

Good you got it all out but I'd say you are better just to avoid talking to him. These type of men just find ways to get nastier, totally not acknowledging he brought this reaction out of you, he will start playing the victim and continue his nastiness towards you. But he will say it's your fault.
You are a better person than him so don't let him bring you down to his level.

Abuse is a pattern of behaviour that’s designed to control the other person.

What you did was lose your temper and shout at him on one occasion.

That’s not abuse. And it’s quite understandable given the circumstances.

Be prepared for him to be outraged, Question your sanity, phone your family and tell them you are mentally ill etc.

What can you do to minimise or stop all contact with him expect about your child ? I don’t need to tell you to avoid being alone with him and certainly not in his car.

Well done.

"He had it coming,
He only had himself to blame"

Congratulations for finally giving him a taste of his own medicine

Thank you for the supportive replies. To be totally honest I have stood up for myself before. I had to, he was unrelenting and those times I have been able to recognise I was just reacting after hours or days of him either raging in my face or constant harsh criticism of my awful attempt at supporting him as a wife or rubbish parenting. (Btw all my 4 dc are bright successful and wonderful despite the train wreck environment I created for them).
But this time I went up like a bottle of pop n minutes. I did none of the usual - ok just calm down. Stay quiet till it passes, nod and absorb. None of it. I told him to fuck off in no uncertain terms i called him an evil ugly bastard inside and out, I and i continued in that manner for 20 minutes. I did not care and now I will never want him back. I feel like something broke in me. And I'm a bit scared tbh. Should I talk to him about it? Should I try and calm the waters so to speak. My adorable DS will have to see him and he has already called him in the phone like 8 times since it happened saying I won't see you at Christmas because I can't be around your mom. My poor boy is a darling. He said it would be nice dad so please try. My heart breaks because I know he will guilt trip my boy and then turn on him with accusations if disloyalty if he does not say the right thing.

'He screeched to a stop and shouted in my face. I jumped and then saw red like I have never done before. I yelled back LOUDLY! I told all about himself and who he really is and what he has done to me'

He was being abusive about the car etc as he has abused you being trapped in a car with him in the past. You are becoming more assertive along with having realised what he's done. You won't put up with it anymore, and you are understandably angry with all he's done.

'you are going to suffer, etc'

More proof he's abusive- trying to intimidate and threaten you.

I had this happen with a bloke years ago- different situation but I got angry at him over how he'd treated me. A friend said that it was that I was laying some ghosts to rest. To say all this is to help get closure by saying how the relationship effected you.

Just keep reminding yourself of the fact that everything you said was justified- none of it was untrue.

You need to be like that all the time with him lol. Seriously though well done, bet the little coward was squirming getting a taste of his own medicine.
Re your son. I certainly wouldn't be allowing the phone calls as hes started to emotionally abuse him too. Does he have his own mobile? Maybe stick to more rigid arrangements over email or text... and give the fucker another good bollocking for guilt tripping your son

Thanks @interested. Laying ghosts to rest kinda resonates. Boy he has really done a number on me. I see you have read my previous posts. Its embarrassing that im still having to reach out on here but i so often see great advice and feel burdensome on friends and family. I want to be over it. Strong and back to my old self (whoever she was!?)
To be fair I am some way on from the wreck that cowered in my bedroom hiding while he raged about the house packing his van to leave! I am better than I was then. I look forward to the day when his power over me is totally unplugged but whilst my ds is still young he has access. I'm only semi proficient at grey rock in fact I'm shit at it. But it's all I can do to prevent a repeat of yesterday's outburst.

@crystalize it's my son I'm most worried about. I really don't know how to navigate this aspect. Often he does not want to see his df but then I reassure him and he goes and its ok. But I know he is a manipulative arse who can't change as he does not see himself as wrong in any way. He would call aggression assertiveness! A totall bollocking = a serious chat and character assassination of course is honest feedback. But when hexsaidche hated me...He meant it and I believe him
Sorry I feel like I'm getting on my soap box again! What the neck us wrong with me! I sound miserable bitter angry and selfpitying a at the same time.
Please bear with me.
Any advice 're my ds would be appreciated

You’ve given him a taste of his own medicine. Be careful - he WILL use it against you if he can.

Oh dear. This my fear @isitpossible

Grey rock is a good way to go but not whilst you were trapped in his car with him ! Do not feel guilty about letting rip OP you have every right to be furious. Even if it happens again, so what Fuck Him. I wouldn't give a shit if he twists things. You're getting stronger remember.
But really consider limiting or stopping phone calls with son. And make all communication via email or text.
Formalize it. Straight to the point. No response to anything except where it concerns your son.
Good luck you will do this x

How old is your Ds, OP? What have you toLd him already about you and his dad splitting up ?

What is he expecting to happen this Christmas ?

My DS is almost 12. His dad tells him i never gave him a chance and that his sisters (My dds) always hated him and I never defended him. This confuses DS and he is conflicted in himself, I see it in his face. I don't want to fuel that conflict so I just say I found it hard to live with Dad sometimes as did we all. My DS is quite frightened of him sometimes. And Often used to say "I wish dad would go away" when we lived together. He still gets stressed now but H will charm him and make him feel guilty and sorry for him. H told the mediator that He wants to formalise contact and is willing to change his busy lifestyle to accommodate 50/50 custody. He has never spent that much time with him. He actually can hardly feed him, his last meal there was baked beans and tin sweetcorn with plain white bread! I mean what the heck is that!

DS is expecting his dad to come to our home for breakfast on Christmas day. My dd's will not be there. Just me, DS and H

Maybe you need to explain to DS that you and his dad are happier living apart so he won’t be coming to eat at your house anymore. You both deserve to feel safe in your own home.

And it’s best if he sees his dad ( if he wants to ) at his dad own house.

You and your Ex can work out some other contact over the Christmas period.

The comments your ex is making to your son are awful and abusive , no wonder he is conflicted, upset and scared. Id be worried about his welfare TBH. Have you thought of getting some counselling for him ?

Your son is old enough to have his wishes about contact taken into account. It’s unlikely a court will force a 12 year old to live with his dad if he doesn’t want to and he’s scared of him.

Also usually the courts favour stability for the child and I’m assuming that you are the main carer.

Is the mediator for your divorce ? I thought mediation wasn’t advised when the marriage was abusive .

Also who is looking out for your son in these proceedings ?

The mediation is to reach financial settlement.
I am my ds main carer. I would not agree to 50/50
Not sure what u r asking exactly but I am looking out for my son.