Am I just as bad?

[Allinadaystwerk]

I have been separated for 8 months from my H of 12 yrs. Throughput our relationship he was angry and moody. He stormed into my life when I was very vulnerable and took over. He made out like He was my big saviour, he stuck up for me like no one else ever had and I was bamboozled by this huge handsome larger than life man. He quickly set about seperating my eldest DD from me followed by a whirlwind of behaviours that are, on reflection so outrageous and controlling. I ended up feeling scared, unsure of myself, chronically ill, financially dependant with low prospects. It ended with me standing up to him as he was about to crush the fragile relationship I had left with my remaining dc with his unreasonable expectations unrealistic demands and scorching temper. I was scared of him from the get go and did not know how to manage. I realise my upbringing was rippled with aggression, violence and DV towards me and between my parents and this forms the basis of why I remained and tried to continue in this toxic situation that has almost ruined me.. it was my normal. I'd just slipped back into what I was used to as a child.
Though we are separated we have to communicate for our joint DS and financials. I have been sucked back in once or twice but on the whole have been working hard on myself to recover. It is extremely difficult and almost feels impossible.
Anyway yesterday we had an appointment to talk about a settlement. We travelled together (which I now regret). After the meeting which was upsetting as I realised my predicament and he made out he has goodwill and will not pursue 50/50 custody etc. I left feeling unsettled. On the journey home he started making demands that I and my family need to show him respect and he wants evidence that have worked to ensure they fo that...i said "I'm struggling to unserstand..." to which He screeched to a stop and shouted in my face. I jumped and then saw red like I have never done before. I yelled back LOUDLY! I told all about himself and who he really is andwhat he has done to me. I threw it all at him all guns blazing. I felt lije ripping his face off I was so angry. The barrage coming from my mouth was unstoppable. I kept trying to stop but I couldn't a just wanted him to know. He tried to have a go back saying I hate you you are no wife of mine, you are going to suffer, etc but I did not care I just carried on shouting and insulting him. Then it went silent. We got to my home and I got out the car and said a cheery 'bye then' and he sped off.
I feel ashamed of myself.
Where did this come from? Am I the abusive one now? I dont recognise my behaviour in me but i have seen it many times in others close to me.

Will this happen again? How can I stop it?

@Hidingtonothing i really do worry about my ds. He is out with ex today and Oh Just want him back home. I see the patterns of behaviour. Lovely one minute and angry and controlling the next. My DS confused and wanting to be loyal. He does not deserve our boy.
I really cant see ex talking to me again or trying to smooth things over. He really really hates me.

Well yes I’m sure he does really really hate you.

Narcs only have two emotions . Happy when you are doing as you are told and rage and cold hatred when you are not.

The only thing that’s worse than divorcing them is being married to them.

The only thing that’s worse than divorcing them is being married to them.
This made me smile...At least im heading in the right direction. Thanks for encouragement.
I'm still waiting for ds to come home. Reluctant to call as ex accuses me of making ds anxious if I call when he is with him.

Reluctant to call as ex accuses me of making ds anxious if I call when he is with him

Is that true ? Does it make you son anxious ? Have you asked him ?

I think it makes him homesick and so a bit sad. Ds had a big 24 hours with his dad came back happy enough. Said he wishes
me n ex got on as friends.

Tell him that when you break up with someone, it takes time to sort out feelings and how to act around each other, and people need to have time and space away from each other. And it's better to do that than be around each other and keep getting upset or angry with each other.

I actually said something very similar to that to him @category and he was quite accepting. Looking forward to hearing what the solicitor has to say next week.

So some quick advice needed please. Since the incident detailed on this thread there has been very little to no contact besides essential DS stuff. Ex just called me and said he wants to meet to discuss his last email regarding an 'expedient financial settlement' I said give me time to think about it.

Do I meet him in person? I dont really want to. I feel better not seeing him. But we have to talk face to face at some point dont we?
I saw a solicitor last week the advice was to see what his offer is and take it from there.

Shall I say no to a meeting and potentially cause bad feeling? Shall I meet him and just let him speak but say very little back?
Not sure which is best. If I refuse how should I word the refusal.

I feel anxious

No don’t meet him in person. Tell him to email You with his offer and you will consider it.

You don’t need to give an explanation for not meeting . If you feel you do, just say that doesn’t work for me.

Just keep repeating that.

“ I want to meet and talk this through like adults “

That doesn’t work for me, please send an email.

“ Why not ? Are you scared to meet me? Ha ha, do you think will beat you up in public “

I won’t be meeting you to discuss this, please send an email .

“ we need to deal with this reasonably , for Ds sake “

I agree, please send and email and I’ll consider it.

“ But this needs to be dealt with promptly. Do you what this to drag on? Why are you being So difficult? “

I’m sorry, meeting you doesn’t work for me. I’ll look out for your email.

DO NOT think that you can meet him and say very little, it won’t work . You have spent years being manipulated by him, it’s not going to stop overnight.

Thank you. That makes perfect sense. It's crazy but I'm scared to say no. I think the conditioning to comply or face problems is kicking in. I just keep thinking what if I make things worse...or best not upset him and worse still... maybe he wants to be friends. How ridiculous.

I'll respond with your suggestions.
Thanks again for your advice.

No don't meet him. Tell him to only contact you via your solicitors. Stop talking about these matters to him directly.

Do you know why he always wants to do things face to face without solicitors? Because he knows he can manipulate you into agreeing to something that isn't fair for you. A solicitor won't allow you to be manipulated.

Simply send him a text saying 'following on from you informing the mediator that you're taking this via a solicitor, I've instructed one myself, details for them are (add name and address for solicitors), any further communication re settlement can be addressed via them, please don't contact me about this matter again'

Tell him to write to your solicitor

I worry about the fallout for me and my ds. I'm not going to meet face to face and I will ask for email contact only. But I know this will have a knock on effect.

The solicitor I saw was not the one for me for various reasons but I did accept his advice to see what my ex offers and then get more advice. I will talk to a new solicitor as soon as I get his offer.
It's really hard standing up to him but I know I have to do it. I am determined to find my strength

Every single time you say no to him , it will have an effect. So you might as well get used to it.

Sorry but that’s the reality . He hates you - you said it yourself. Unless you give him all his own way and put you and your son at risk.

He doesn’t want to be your friend! Seriously , what are you thinking ? Anyways even if he does, you will know because he will tell you in an email . And then he will ACT like a friend during the divorce.

He will be kind and reasonable, always putting DS first, acknowledging his own part in the relationship breakdown, always being reliable and reasonable over contact, being generous with money and time.

When he’s acted like that for a year or so, you will know that he wants to be friends. At that point you can decide if YOU want a friendship and work from there.

Until then he’s your abusive ex who hates you - he’s the enemy . Approach him with caution and wisdom, but mostly keep him at arms length.

Definitely communicate by solicitor only. Do you have any recommendations? Otherwise many offer a free half hour and you can work out if they suit you. Good idea to look for one experienced in abusive relationships

Well done you!!
You found your courage!
Keep it up!!

He's a bully!

Keep looking for a solicitor- keep going until you find one you feel like you can trust. Then get them engaged and working on it. It’s really important to have someone to represent you.

Tell him you think it’s best to negotiate via email and solicitors for now to avoid any conflicts that will upset your son.

I think it’s better to get the divorce done ASAP rather than have a two year separation- why drag this stress on? If you get this done now, in two years time your life will have been separate from him for ages and you’ll have been able to move on.

Hang onto your strength. He wants face to face without solicitors so he can bully you, he can't bully a solicitor. Stay strong OP. There will be repercussions whichever way you go

I know my thoughts and fears are illogical and skewed because of his manipulation. Doesn't stop them popping into my head. It's crazy but I forgot he said he hates me 3 times in our last errm 'dialogue' 😖
He is a bully. I'm.not meeting him face to face and I'm doing that for me and DS.
He has contacted 2 of my older DD's with trivial bits of advice. They just texted thanks for this and did not engage. So proud of them.
@IM0GEN that is spot on 're what a friend would do. He is not my friend is he. That's how he got me in the first place by being a friend when I really needed one. Some friend he turned out to be!
Ok head wobbled he is still the same bell end that has caused so much hurt and pain to me and my dc for the last15 years. We deserve better

@Honeyroar i think a divorce sooner will certainly help me feel free. It might be too expensive though.

The current situation isn’t free of cost - the cost to your mental and emotional wellbeing now and probably your physical health in the long term.

Well he emailed. With nothing of any use regarding a settlement. Just a declaration of deep thinking and a desire to be friends. Oh and a warning that he hopes my decision to put my children first pays off as of that don't appreciate my sacrifice I will suffer. 🤷🏽‍♀️

He's still trying to manipulate you by sowing the seeds of doubt in your head; trying to undermine your confidence that you are doing the right thing. And all under the guise of his profound wisdom and the intent of friendship. He's thinking he'll soften you up so he can get a settlement which is more in his favour.

Ooh, he's just so far up himself it's a wonder he can see the light of day!

@thereby I think you are spot on.
I responded with 'message received i await your settlement offer details'. He called me but i ignored and took DS for a swim.