Am I just as bad?

[Allinadaystwerk]

I have been separated for 8 months from my H of 12 yrs. Throughput our relationship he was angry and moody. He stormed into my life when I was very vulnerable and took over. He made out like He was my big saviour, he stuck up for me like no one else ever had and I was bamboozled by this huge handsome larger than life man. He quickly set about seperating my eldest DD from me followed by a whirlwind of behaviours that are, on reflection so outrageous and controlling. I ended up feeling scared, unsure of myself, chronically ill, financially dependant with low prospects. It ended with me standing up to him as he was about to crush the fragile relationship I had left with my remaining dc with his unreasonable expectations unrealistic demands and scorching temper. I was scared of him from the get go and did not know how to manage. I realise my upbringing was rippled with aggression, violence and DV towards me and between my parents and this forms the basis of why I remained and tried to continue in this toxic situation that has almost ruined me.. it was my normal. I'd just slipped back into what I was used to as a child.
Though we are separated we have to communicate for our joint DS and financials. I have been sucked back in once or twice but on the whole have been working hard on myself to recover. It is extremely difficult and almost feels impossible.
Anyway yesterday we had an appointment to talk about a settlement. We travelled together (which I now regret). After the meeting which was upsetting as I realised my predicament and he made out he has goodwill and will not pursue 50/50 custody etc. I left feeling unsettled. On the journey home he started making demands that I and my family need to show him respect and he wants evidence that have worked to ensure they fo that...i said "I'm struggling to unserstand..." to which He screeched to a stop and shouted in my face. I jumped and then saw red like I have never done before. I yelled back LOUDLY! I told all about himself and who he really is andwhat he has done to me. I threw it all at him all guns blazing. I felt lije ripping his face off I was so angry. The barrage coming from my mouth was unstoppable. I kept trying to stop but I couldn't a just wanted him to know. He tried to have a go back saying I hate you you are no wife of mine, you are going to suffer, etc but I did not care I just carried on shouting and insulting him. Then it went silent. We got to my home and I got out the car and said a cheery 'bye then' and he sped off.
I feel ashamed of myself.
Where did this come from? Am I the abusive one now? I dont recognise my behaviour in me but i have seen it many times in others close to me.

Will this happen again? How can I stop it?

Stop engaging with him. He is not going to give you the response you want.

Take control. Get a solicitor. Start divorce proceedings. Get financial disclosure and follow your solicitors advice.

Why would you want to do anything else. You are not friends and are never going to be. He is a manipulative bully.
What
Would you say to a sibling or a friend??
Stop trying to be bloody nice.

Well done OP

So, no actual offer??? What a fucking surprise. All it was was a ploy to get to see you face to face. Don’t even bother to reply asking about this ‘expedient financial offer) (what a fucking twat - they ALL talk like this)

I’m not clear - has he actually sent you an email criticising you for putting your child first ? If so that’s excellent - that will go down well in court!

Honestly, every time he sends you a twattish / abusive email or text you need to be pleased. Because it’s another piece of evidence that you can use against him. It lets your solicitor and, if necessary , his, see what a pillock he is.

It will probably never get before a judge but a collection of these will be ammunition in the negotiation ahead.

It might also be evidence of control or abuse, I don’t know.

So when you get these emails , don’t say to yourself “ oh no I’m devastated, because I love him so much , how can he hurt me like this!”.

Say “ Fanbloodytastic - that’s another one the file. And more evidence of how his mind is working. And a clue to what stunt he’s going to pull next. And best of all, more proof ( if any were needed ) that I am am Doing the right thing divorcing him “ .

And “ congratulations @Allinadaystwerk for finally seeing through him and taking decisive action to secure a good future for me and DS. I am a smart and tough woman and I will get through this. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it . “

Onwards and upwards .

He really is a fool. This last few days/posts have really helped the scales fall from my eyes. It's like I woke up andxrwalised I don't have the same feelings for him that used to. I no longer want him. I just don't want him anymore. It's great. All his excuses and game playing will make no difference to how I feel about him. He says he is going to put a settlement offer together. I will consult a solicitor to make sure it's fair. It's as simple as that. In the meantime I'm ok waiting for it. It gives me time to plan. I know he will not go quietly it's not his nature. But he does have alot to lose so maybe his fear of being exposed will keep him in order. I just want what is rightfully mine. No more no less.

That’s good. But remeber that your idea of “ what is rightfully yours “ will be distorted by years of living with a bully. They grind you down so you feel worthless. So please trust the judgement of your solicitor about what is fair and resonable.

Remember you have a young child and you want to be able to support him through his childhood and to the end of his education. Regardless of what his father says, the only person you can rely on here is you.

The Mn boards are full of men who stop paying child support within a few months. They have lots of ways of getting round the system, which is weak and ineffectual .

Hmmm I'm sure you are right @Imogen
I do think I might struggle to take money that he hasn't offered freely so to speak. I can't see my self fighting for more.
He emailed to ask about regular routine contact 3 nights per week with ds. I don't want him to have him on school nights as DS needs routine and this would be disruptive. I have not replied yet. I wanted to take my time to think about how to word my reply.

Taking your time is a good thing. Wise decision.

Is this contact he suggests in addition to EOW? I’m assuming that’s what he has now. Does he stay at his dads two nights or three nights at the weekend ?

One night a week and EOW is quite standard - why do you think that won’t work for your DS?

And the money - to be blunt - it’s now about how you see yourself.This is about your son and his future. What are you going to say to him when you can’t afford for him to join a sports club or go on a school trip

“ I’m sorry darling but mummy has her dignity, one doesn’t see oneself as a money grabber “ ?

It’s not about what he’s offering - it’s not a gift from him to you. It’s your share of the marital assets which already belong to both of you.

Seriously , give your head a wobble.

I won't let my dc stay with my ex during the week as they don't sleep well there and he's about useless getting them up and sending them to school on time with the correct things.

A simple 'it's in the children's best interests to have routine during the week, sleep in their own beds during the week, whilst at school. I'm mode than happy to accommodate your request during school holidays. However during term time you can pick all 3 dc up on Friday at 4pm, and drop them home Sunday at 4pm, every other weekend starting on the X date'

If he starts to rant and rave simply respond with 'I appreciate your response, however mine still stands, I'm happy to push this via the court for a contact order, and let a judge decide if you'd prefer to do it this way'

Atm contact has been ad hoc on his request only stayed overnight about 6 nights in total over the 9 months weve been apart.

@IM0GEN I will get what is fair
Financially as I will instruct a solicitor to take that decision out of my hands.

@TheReef that paragraph is perfect...as is the response if he protests. Thanks!

I had to see him today due to business commitments. He was like butter wouldn't melt! All charming and smiley. I did what i had to and left. This is the way
he would reel me back in usually. But I know it will all change again. It ALWAYS does

He has his son less than one night a month! That’s shocking , what a poor father he is.

Why on Earth would you agree to go from one night a month to three nights a week? That’s crazy.

I agree that is has to be regular for your sons sake. Why don’t you suggest one overnight EOW and / or one fixed night a week and see how that works out for DS?

You also need fixed times and days so you can arrange to go out with friends etc.

Yes in think that's a good point. Definately see friends more. Time to reconnect with friends. 😊