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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I just as bad?

112 replies

Allinadaystwerk · 19/12/2019 12:01

I have been separated for 8 months from my H of 12 yrs. Throughput our relationship he was angry and moody. He stormed into my life when I was very vulnerable and took over. He made out like He was my big saviour, he stuck up for me like no one else ever had and I was bamboozled by this huge handsome larger than life man. He quickly set about seperating my eldest DD from me followed by a whirlwind of behaviours that are, on reflection so outrageous and controlling. I ended up feeling scared, unsure of myself, chronically ill, financially dependant with low prospects. It ended with me standing up to him as he was about to crush the fragile relationship I had left with my remaining dc with his unreasonable expectations unrealistic demands and scorching temper. I was scared of him from the get go and did not know how to manage. I realise my upbringing was rippled with aggression, violence and DV towards me and between my parents and this forms the basis of why I remained and tried to continue in this toxic situation that has almost ruined me.. it was my normal. I'd just slipped back into what I was used to as a child.
Though we are separated we have to communicate for our joint DS and financials. I have been sucked back in once or twice but on the whole have been working hard on myself to recover. It is extremely difficult and almost feels impossible.
Anyway yesterday we had an appointment to talk about a settlement. We travelled together (which I now regret). After the meeting which was upsetting as I realised my predicament and he made out he has goodwill and will not pursue 50/50 custody etc. I left feeling unsettled. On the journey home he started making demands that I and my family need to show him respect and he wants evidence that have worked to ensure they fo that...i said "I'm struggling to unserstand..." to which He screeched to a stop and shouted in my face. I jumped and then saw red like I have never done before. I yelled back LOUDLY! I told all about himself and who he really is andwhat he has done to me. I threw it all at him all guns blazing. I felt lije ripping his face off I was so angry. The barrage coming from my mouth was unstoppable. I kept trying to stop but I couldn't a just wanted him to know. He tried to have a go back saying I hate you you are no wife of mine, you are going to suffer, etc but I did not care I just carried on shouting and insulting him. Then it went silent. We got to my home and I got out the car and said a cheery 'bye then' and he sped off.
I feel ashamed of myself.
Where did this come from? Am I the abusive one now? I dont recognise my behaviour in me but i have seen it many times in others close to me.

Will this happen again? How can I stop it?

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 19/12/2019 23:15

Sorry if I wasn’t clear, I just wanted to make sure that if you were going to court, someone Official was listening to your sons views.

He shouldn’t have to go and live with a dad who scares him, puts him down, manipulates him and uses him as weapon to get back at you.

Your ex sounds like a horrible bully .

Does your solicitor know about the abuse ? And the mediator ?

IM0GEN · 19/12/2019 23:19

For the avoidance of doubt - I didn’t mean to imply in any way that you weren’t doing a good job of caring for your son. I’m sure you are doing your best to protect him from his dad.

I Know it’s not easy, the financial settlement is about fairness and meeting the needs of you and your ex. But the arrangements for children aren’t about fairness , they are about the best interest of the child.

Sorry that your ex is putting you through this. I hope your adult DD are a good support to you.

Allinadaystwerk · 19/12/2019 23:47

Thanks @Imogen I see what you mean. I have not spoke to a solicitor. We agreed to do 2 year separation then divorce. H will divorce me or so he said when he left. Its a sorry state of affairs and H is a formidable enemy. I need to keep some of yesterday's courage about me. I wish he would just be fair..even just to ds

OP posts:
Allinadaystwerk · 19/12/2019 23:48

The mediator knows i find him intimidating at times but he is quite charming around her

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 19/12/2019 23:50

make sure he isn't Recording you OP. Flowers

Allinadaystwerk · 19/12/2019 23:50

Oh and my older DD are flipping awesome but they have been affected too and so are still a bit scared to rile him.

OP posts:
Allinadaystwerk · 19/12/2019 23:52

Recording me? What do you mean? 😮

OP posts:
Allinadaystwerk · 19/12/2019 23:53

Do you mean when we are together via mobile phone?

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 19/12/2019 23:53

You need your own solicitor. Now. Ok, first thing tomorrow morning.

The mediator is just trying to get you two to agree. A solicitor will represent your interests, they will be on your side.

I know it’s a shit load of money but it’s a false economy if you get a worse settlement.

I’m assuming that your ex earns more than you and has a bigger pension and you are the main carer, so can work fewer hours - is that right ?

Allinadaystwerk · 20/12/2019 00:07

Spot on on all counts

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 20/12/2019 00:08

Do you mean when we are together via mobile phone?

Yes.. exactly like that.. he triggered you into reacting, don't believe that was a coincidence OP.. he will use every trick in the book to make you look equally as bad as him.

Just err on the side of caution OP, and consider having your own phone on standby for his controlling behaviour. He needs to make you look as bad as him... Flowers

Allinadaystwerk · 20/12/2019 00:08

I can't really afford it but might just have bash the credit card

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 20/12/2019 00:09

Stay strong and focused OP.. Flowers

Allinadaystwerk · 20/12/2019 00:10

@BumbleBeee69 What a stressful prospect. I will be on my best behaviour. At least I'll try. If he recorded me yesterday I am doomed 😖

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 20/12/2019 00:25

So he has all the money and resources and power and you have NO ONE looking out for your interests? That’s why you need your own solicitor.

Go onto the divorce threads on MN, the women There are amazing and will tell your everything you need to know. What paperwork to get together before you go, what questions to ask, how to make the best use of that expensive legal time.

IM0GEN · 20/12/2019 00:26

You are not doomed. Divorce isn’t about who is the best behaved. You don’t get more money for being nicer.

Techway · 20/12/2019 04:54

Quite a few of us have divorced a similar type, bullying and narcisstic so seek out support. YouTube has some excellent resources on escaping and recovering from toxic people, some by qualified professionals.

It is very common for "victims" to lash out eventually and your thoughts are discussed in Lundy's book, "Why does he do that". Have you read it yet?

A few things, that I learned, he will react very badly to feeling out of control. He maybe fairer in the divorce settlement if there are mutual people in your life who he wants to maintain an image with otherwise he is unlikely to be fair or reasonable. He will genuinely believe he is the victim, such is his sense of entitlement that equality feels abusive to him. He is unlikely to be capable of insight or introspection so there is no point attempting to influence him.

A good phrase I learnt and tried to practice was "observe, don't absorb". So when he starts to dominate, try to detach yourself from his reactions, almost like you are watching a toddler throw a tantrum. At the same time do a quick scan of your body, e.g are you breathing heavily or holding your breathe.I find this helps to achieve grey rock.

Later down the line if communication is limited to email never respond immediately always give yourself time to process. These types are masters of manipulation and will try to trigger you to gain a reaction.

The only things that matters to him is control of you (or his son), having his agenda met or maintaining his image (which is as a victim and Mr Nice Guy).

The 50:50 is very typical as he knows giving up being main carer will hurt you and secondly it helps him achieve a better financial settlement. At 12 your son would not be forced into that arrangement. Would he stand up to his Dad about this?

It is rare of narcisstic individuals to manage without someone to provide attention/adoration so if he is "letting" you go be prepared for another woman to appear very quickly. At this point your son is likely to be dropped as 50:50 will not suit.

Finally, it takes a long time to heal from an abusive relationship but it is possible and life will be much better for you and your son. The more that my children spend with their Dad the more they realise how toxic he is, they tend to return home drained which is sad to see but at least they are not living it in all the time.

category12 · 20/12/2019 06:18

You need to stop having so much contact. You shouldn't be getting in a car with him. You can't behave like it's an amicable break up when he's abusive.

He shouldn't be in your house. He shouldn't be coming for breakfast at Christmas. He should take your son for the evening of Christmas eve, or out for a couple of hours on Christmas day.

You need to have better boundaries.

category12 · 20/12/2019 06:19

And you need to get a solicitor.

Allinadaystwerk · 20/12/2019 08:44

Thanks to all. Its wierd because I know and understand the logic. I have read Why does he Do that and listened to it. I am part way through a codependency book trying to work on my self. I see how grey rock and observe but dont absorb are viable strategies. And yet. It as though I know what I need but the years of conditioning are so deeply woven that I struggle to 'betray' him.

So I still behave like he is different. Gah I want that feeling to be gone from me.

On a positive it is getting less each day and its helpful to read that I do not need to feel guilt for my anger. Instead I need to get what I'm entitled to. Even if it will have quite a significant impact on his wallet right? It's ok, no need to answer.... yes, even then. I know...Blush
The joke is he is probably seeing a solicitor as we speak.

As for Christmas day I want my son to be happy. His dad could well ruin it in so many ways. But I hope He will put aside his feelings and do what's right for our son.
@category12 I want that boundaries approach. How do i develop them?

OP posts:
category12 · 20/12/2019 09:00

I think one thing you could do is start buying yourself time - make it a rule not to agree to anything on the spot. Slow everything down. Say you'll get back to him/you'll think about it etc. Keep contact to email/text.

Then sense-check things with us, or mates (who have your best interests at heart/who aren't in abusive relationships themselves), or with a dv advisor/support service. Someone who would tell you it's crazy to get in a car to go to mediation with an abusive partner, etc.

Consider the source. When he's emotionally blackmailing you and bullying you, remember he has his own interest in mind, not yours, and not your ds. (If he did he wouldn't be texting your ds like that).

Everything he says is tainted and to his own ends. Use that as the starting point. You're not in the process of an amicable split with a reasonable person, you're in the midst of escape from abuse from someone.

Allinadaystwerk · 20/12/2019 09:11

Shit @category. The blood just kinda drained from my head with that last paragraph. I do know it's very good advice that I am determined to follow. Buying myself time to consider my responses can only be better for me and my ds. I text ex and told him he needs to contact me by text only for arrangements with ds. As making DS the go between is unfair and stressful for him.
Also just booked a consultation with a solicitor which embarrassingly, induced waves of anxiety. They have just sent a confirmation message I'm going on Monday!

OP posts:
Allinadaystwerk · 20/12/2019 09:13

Questions for solicitor? Pathetic I know but where do I start?

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 20/12/2019 09:35

Good work on the solicitor appointment . DONT TELL DS OR STBX.

Don’t discuss it with anyone ( family members , mutual friends ) who might tell STBX.

Check out the divorce threads here on MN, they are full of expertise.

Get yourself a pen and notepad and a coffee and start reading.

category12 · 20/12/2019 12:40

Well done on making the appointment. They're going to be on your side, so explain the situation honestly - don't minimise or cover up for him.

I'd ask them about the financial and housing stuff primarily.