Am I just as bad?

[Allinadaystwerk]

I have been separated for 8 months from my H of 12 yrs. Throughput our relationship he was angry and moody. He stormed into my life when I was very vulnerable and took over. He made out like He was my big saviour, he stuck up for me like no one else ever had and I was bamboozled by this huge handsome larger than life man. He quickly set about seperating my eldest DD from me followed by a whirlwind of behaviours that are, on reflection so outrageous and controlling. I ended up feeling scared, unsure of myself, chronically ill, financially dependant with low prospects. It ended with me standing up to him as he was about to crush the fragile relationship I had left with my remaining dc with his unreasonable expectations unrealistic demands and scorching temper. I was scared of him from the get go and did not know how to manage. I realise my upbringing was rippled with aggression, violence and DV towards me and between my parents and this forms the basis of why I remained and tried to continue in this toxic situation that has almost ruined me.. it was my normal. I'd just slipped back into what I was used to as a child.
Though we are separated we have to communicate for our joint DS and financials. I have been sucked back in once or twice but on the whole have been working hard on myself to recover. It is extremely difficult and almost feels impossible.
Anyway yesterday we had an appointment to talk about a settlement. We travelled together (which I now regret). After the meeting which was upsetting as I realised my predicament and he made out he has goodwill and will not pursue 50/50 custody etc. I left feeling unsettled. On the journey home he started making demands that I and my family need to show him respect and he wants evidence that have worked to ensure they fo that...i said "I'm struggling to unserstand..." to which He screeched to a stop and shouted in my face. I jumped and then saw red like I have never done before. I yelled back LOUDLY! I told all about himself and who he really is andwhat he has done to me. I threw it all at him all guns blazing. I felt lije ripping his face off I was so angry. The barrage coming from my mouth was unstoppable. I kept trying to stop but I couldn't a just wanted him to know. He tried to have a go back saying I hate you you are no wife of mine, you are going to suffer, etc but I did not care I just carried on shouting and insulting him. Then it went silent. We got to my home and I got out the car and said a cheery 'bye then' and he sped off.
I feel ashamed of myself.
Where did this come from? Am I the abusive one now? I dont recognise my behaviour in me but i have seen it many times in others close to me.

Will this happen again? How can I stop it?

Well he emailed the mediator and cc'd me in. He asked to scrap all agreements hw was making and that he will be instructing solicitors and wants to bring matters to a swift close. I guess the gloves are off and it's all down to me and my big mouth. I knew I went too far.

I'm scared and anxious.

Its not you that went too far, you didn't start the row, you reacted to his aggression. You're doing fine. It is scary leaving an abusive man. It gets less scary the further he is in your past. Hang on in there.

It was always going to come to solicitors, unless you rolled over and gave him everything he wants. And he'd harass you still then.

You're seeing a solicitor on Monday. Put it in their hands.

Yeah i guess so

I agree he was always going to do this, it’s a game to him. Hes still trying to control you and use Ds as a weapon.

Wow. I think you are right. Just so messed up. I hate fighting but I'm going to have to to get some kind of life going forward. Today I'm trying to stay buoyant. I'm enjoying my dc who will surround my Christmas. I have lots to be grateful for. I don't want to feel panicked all the time so have to approach this with some kind of philosophy and choose peace when I can. At least till Monday. Next year is going to be major change

You don’t have to fight or argue with him, you just have to say no to him and let your solicitor negotiate.

You don’t have to get him to agree with you, or convince him of the rightness of your position.

You don’t need to defend yourself when he says you are crazy / abusive / whatever. You just keep All the emails / texts / screen shots in a separate folder in case you ever need them.

You don’t speak on the phone unless it’s an emergency about your son.

You don’t meet him without another adult present, if you can possibly avoid it.

You stop playing fake happy families and having him in your house at all, let alone for meals. If your son asks, you say that won’t work for you and that you and his dad need a bit of space. That you understand that might be disappointing for him but that’s an adult decision that you have made.

You don’t ever go in his car.

You can’t “ remain amicable “ with an abuser. He will just use this to Perpetuate the abuse.

You need to keep him at arms length, physically and emotionally.

I know this is really hard, unimaginably hard for anyone like you who has been groomed by an abuser . I bet you even feel sick just reading my words.

The thought of disobeying him is terrifying, isn’t it.

Yes it is terrifying. Shit you touched a bit if a nerve there. Groomed, abused words i struggle to associate with but know apply. Makes my gut wrench. I'm trying to act normal but the pit of my stomach is in uproar. Literally just churning and my head goes from I am not a bad person to I am an utter bitch, ungrateful and undeserving.
Bloody hell i cant wait to repair.

It was only ever going to be amicable while you agreed to everything he wants. I can 100% guarantee that is in his favour and not what you are legally entitled to.

Don't beat yourself up. Going down this route will mean that you get what you are entitled to and will give you and your DC a better, more secure future. Good luck!

Thanks. Will I have to go to court and talk about the ins and outs of the relationship? Will I have to prove my worthiness type thing?

No. Its unlikely to be anything more than paperwork. Divorces rarely involve court appearances.

Well at least that's something. I think I'll feel more confident once I've spoken to the solicitor. Thanks

Well stbxh called ds this morning and ds asked him to come. He came and its all very civil and ds made him a little breakfast and gave him gifts that he brought with his own money and wrapped himself. I've had very little to do with any if it. They played DS new Xbox together and he left without issue. We hardly said a word to each other which is actually fine by me. Easier than i thought.

How did the solicitors appointment go? It's only natural to lose your head a bit in these kinds of situations! Don't beat yourself up about it.

The solicitor re booked to Jan 3rd. New year really will be a whole new start.

@Allinadaystwerk No, I haven't read the previous threads, well, I don't know which ones are yours, suppose I should search.

The think is, sadly blokes beng moody/abusive wankers isn't something unique to you, it comes up quite often on here. :( xxx

Well done for telling him how you feel. I think it'll do you good.

'What the neck us wrong with me! I sound miserable bitter angry and selfpitying a at the same time.'

Well, all of that is completely understandable if true.

The 'voices' in which you are down on yourself are probably things he or others in your past have said/implied. I know it's easy to say, but try and replace them with the rational (I'm not saying that in a bad way, I just mean less emotional) or the righteously angry ones.

@interested. I thought you had read a previous thread where I spoke about him speeding off with me in a car and scaring the hell out of me some time ago. Either way. What you say makes sense. Reframing the negative self talk into positive is Tuesday forward

The way not Tuesday* 🤦🏽‍♀️

I'm trying to act normal but the pit of my stomach is in uproar. Literally just churning and my head goes from I am not a bad person to I am an utter bitch, ungrateful and undeserving

That’s why verbal abuse is so insidious. It gets inside your head, so you end up abusing yourself, he doesn’t pneed to do it. He can control you remotely.

Every time you even think of disobeying him, you hear his voice in his head calling you all these names ( ungrateful, undeserving bitch ). And you feel the bad feelings ( fear, dread, anxiety ) , so you don’t do it.

And he doesn’t even need to lift his hand to you.

So tonight I hardly thought about him at all. My family came and we ate, drank, danced, sang and laughed alot. No negative self talk no hearing his words as my own. It was so much fun.

That’s what your future will be like with as little contact with him as possible.

I hope your family are supporting you through the divorce.

I'm new to your threads OP but PP's are right, it would always have ended up here, it's not that you 'went too far', he would have turned as soon as there was any kind of dissent from you so at least you got it all off your chest into the bargain! The coming weeks and months will be a series of light bulb moments as you realise just how abusive he has been, and how controlled you've been by that abuse.

I would be taking advantage of his current attitude/behaviour and using it to set a much more distant tone to the contact you do have to have. It's an opportunity for you to disengage mentally and emotionally and put boundaries in place before he changes tack again and tries to put things back on a more involved level to regain his control over you.

Helping your DS manage his relationship with his dad is more difficult, at 12 it's more about supporting DS's wishes wrt contact while also trying to protect him from the worst of the manipulation. It's always worth keeping notes/any evidence of incidents with DS which could add up to a bigger picture if things get worse and you end up in court to try to stop/limit contact later down the line though. Also worth looking into any counselling type support that may be available to DS through school/GP etc so he has someone neutral to vent to. Keeping the lines of communication between you and DS and your eyes open for any kind of upset with his dad is probably the most important thing, DS needs you to be the parent he can depend on.

PP's are also right that the way you've felt over Christmas with your family is a little taste of what your life will be like once the divorce is done and you're free. And you can be free, even with his continued contact with DS, get everything done by the book and he will have no control over you anymore

Thanks @IM0GEN I think I can see a tiny light when I consider freedom. I really want get to a point where I am ok with myself. My family are lovely but I dintvrely on them too much as they have their own issues. I am the youngest and usually the go to in times of trouble. They love me tho and would always lend a comforting ear.