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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

it's all gone wrong again - so unhappy

150 replies

neednewbag · 24/08/2007 18:56

Well , don't really know where to start. dh and i have had terrible rows in the past, lots of shouting, swearing and violence from both of us in the past. No violence from either of us for years now and i hope to god it never happens again. he knows if it did, it's over. we still have the most vile arguments which normally start with tivial things and it normally ends in me getting upset about how he's spoken to me or what he's said. he frightens me when he shouts which he knows, but doesn't seen to be able to stop - he said it's what he does when he's angry or frustrated. i've been on ADs for the last year and the arguments haven't been quite so bad - i don't overreact so much and sometime find it easier to make up. I've been cutting down on my ads as they're making me put on weight. i told him yesterday and we ended up arguing in the evening. i went mad over something silly and he shouted"this is what happens when you stop the pills" he thinks i used the fact that he knew i was cutting down to test to see if he'd give me special treatment - maybe that's true? we've had a miserable day and aren't speaking now. i told him last night that i'm not going to discuss what i do with the ADs anymore so if i cut down again, he won't know, then i can't expect any special treatment. I hate him for wha he said yesterday and for how nasty he's been to me today. we were supposed to be going to the zoo but because of last night i felt bad today. he said he's take ds on this own, which upset me as ds has never been to the zoo before. so i made myself get up and go with them but we hardly spoke ,apart from to ds all the time we were out. he tried to hold my hand when we were out and i said why would you want to do that it you dislike me so much. He said he didn't dislkie me but i told him i felt he despised me. he told me to shut up and walked off. please help, someone

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Elizabetth · 01/09/2007 14:07

I just found an article by her here which you also might find helpful -

www.verbalabuse.com/3.shtml

neednewbag · 01/09/2007 18:43

thanks for your comments elizabeth. it's stange that noone else has said the same. the general opinion seems ot be that i'm very insecure and sometimes push him away (which i agree with) soem might say to try to control him? i'm really interested to know what others think. thanks

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neednewbag · 01/09/2007 18:44

another reason that i think i need to change is that i've had similar problems in previous relationships

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neednewbag · 01/09/2007 19:24

bump

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neednewbag · 01/09/2007 20:53

anyone there? would love to hear what you think. thanks X

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prettybird · 01/09/2007 23:23

Neednewbag - I think you should try and take each day at a time. From what you have said, you do have issues in pushing away people (including parteners) who get too close to you. Hopefyllu, your sessions wwith the counsellor will help you to address that. Allow time for that to happen.

It amy also be that your dh also need see a counsellor.

It may also be that you both need to see a counsellor together.

But take things one day at a time. And the next positive step is your session with a counsellor.

FWIW, on reading though all you have said, my anylsusis of your dh taking your ds out was that he was leaving you to slepp and that it wasn't an issue of conytol - ntil you* made it one.

But then, we weren't there. We only know what you have described to us. You need to go thorguh that incident together to fully understand it - and I am not sure that you as a couple are yet capable of doing so without arging unless you had help from a professional mediator/counsellor.

Hold on to your feelings of love, of your description of your dh as a good dad. Much better to build a life on positives, rather than assumin the worst.

I really do hope that you and your dh can work things out.

neednewbag · 02/09/2007 11:33

thanks pretty bird. dh only took ds out because i'd asked to be left to sleep. he got angry when i got so hysterical abput where they were because it made him feel he wasn't trusted to look after ds. i've only been up a while and dh has to get up 4 times in the night with ds as he kept waking up.

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Elizabetth · 02/09/2007 11:50

Hi neednewbag, other people have said they think your husband is abusive further up the thread. You also said you are frightened of him which is worrying (in the sense of what has he done to frighten you - not that you shouldn't be frightened of him).

I still think the way he reacted to your upset about not knowing where he and your ds were was cruel and unnecessary. You are obviously in a fragile state and the last thing you need is for someone to be trying to punish you for that. If he felt hurt he could have said so, but then again I don't think it's unreasonable for him to let you know where he is going if he is taking your ds out in the car (does he often take him out without telling you where they are going?). He could have left a note if he didn't want to wake you.

neednewbag · 02/09/2007 12:38

in some ways i am frightened of him - i hate it when he shouts but also something tells me that maybe i'm not(maybe quite the opposite!) as i do things which i know will make him shout and test him too. no he doesn't normally go out without saying where he's going but this time i'd specifically asked him to look after ds that day and take him out and not wake me up. i suppose he was only doing what i asked and then i had a go at him for it.

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neednewbag · 02/09/2007 20:05

anyone else there?

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neednewbag · 02/09/2007 20:35

bump.....

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neednewbag · 02/09/2007 20:48

and another bump, just need to chat if anyone's around

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prettybird · 03/09/2007 08:46

Just take things one day at a time neednewbag - just let that be your mantra. You'll be seeing your counsellor this week, so you are moving forward.

neednewbag · 03/09/2007 10:30

thanks prettybird. i'll try to do that

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neednewbag · 03/09/2007 11:45

anyone around for a chat. got my appt with counsellor tomorrow - getting a bit nervous

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Anniegetyourgun · 03/09/2007 12:06

Counsellors don't bite, hon, he/she is there to help you. Just think, here's the chance to waffle on about yourself for the best part of an hour, that's a luxury!

neednewbag · 03/09/2007 12:31

thanks anniegetyourgun. i wonder if you have read through my post, what do you think about my siuation?

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prettybird · 03/09/2007 12:47

Just go in there with an open mind and see where he/she takes you.

Don't even let what we've said on this thread influence you: only you know waht you've been going through and what your relationship is like with your dh. You can only give a flavour here - and as you have already seen, we can have a wide range of different interpretations.

Remember - she is trained and should be able to help you cralify your own thoughts and hopefully work out a way forward that ultimately makes you happier.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

neednewbag · 03/09/2007 21:15

bump, anyone else?

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Anniegetyourgun · 04/09/2007 10:26

I don't know you, of course, I only know what you currently see as your situation. Pages (as usual) has expressed it best. It's not a question of whose fault it is but what you can do about it. Only he can decide what he wants to do for his part, so we're talking about you at this point.

I think you may be afraid of being a doormat, letting him "get away with" being nasty, so for your own pride you have to snap back until you win, or until you stop talking to each other. A good counsellor will suggest techniques you can learn for defusing confrontations without compromising your dignity. You say counselling sessions didn't help before; maybe you didn't have a very good counsellor, or one that didn't suit you at least, or you were resistant to what they were saying. Let go a bit, let them see into your mind, it's their job to help you discover yourself and to SUGGEST, not order, solutions. They won't say you're crazy because you patently aren't. You need support, not bashing, and you don't need to live in a war zone. The pills can shield you a bit, short-term, but they don't solve anything.

prettybird · 04/09/2007 15:19

Hope your session with the counsellor went well today

neednewbag · 04/09/2007 21:16

thanks so much for your responses. the session went well today - i realy like the counsellor and she seems to understand the situation. i'm seeing her again next week - just hope something good comes out of it. thanks again for all your comments X

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prettybird · 05/09/2007 11:14

Glad it went well and hope you will make progress - for both your, and your family's sake.

How is your dh at the moment?

neednewbag · 08/09/2007 11:47

i talked to the doctor aswell and she has changed my ad to prozac as it's less likely to cause weight gain. dh is being ok at the mo but i feel quite wary. we're just getting on with things - i have another appt with the counsellor on monday

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neednewbag · 11/09/2007 22:47

had another appt with the counsellor yesterday. stillnot sure what the outcome wil be. dh know;s it's a possibility that we'll split up - i just hope we can end up being happier together

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