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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

it's all gone wrong again - so unhappy

150 replies

neednewbag · 24/08/2007 18:56

Well , don't really know where to start. dh and i have had terrible rows in the past, lots of shouting, swearing and violence from both of us in the past. No violence from either of us for years now and i hope to god it never happens again. he knows if it did, it's over. we still have the most vile arguments which normally start with tivial things and it normally ends in me getting upset about how he's spoken to me or what he's said. he frightens me when he shouts which he knows, but doesn't seen to be able to stop - he said it's what he does when he's angry or frustrated. i've been on ADs for the last year and the arguments haven't been quite so bad - i don't overreact so much and sometime find it easier to make up. I've been cutting down on my ads as they're making me put on weight. i told him yesterday and we ended up arguing in the evening. i went mad over something silly and he shouted"this is what happens when you stop the pills" he thinks i used the fact that he knew i was cutting down to test to see if he'd give me special treatment - maybe that's true? we've had a miserable day and aren't speaking now. i told him last night that i'm not going to discuss what i do with the ADs anymore so if i cut down again, he won't know, then i can't expect any special treatment. I hate him for wha he said yesterday and for how nasty he's been to me today. we were supposed to be going to the zoo but because of last night i felt bad today. he said he's take ds on this own, which upset me as ds has never been to the zoo before. so i made myself get up and go with them but we hardly spoke ,apart from to ds all the time we were out. he tried to hold my hand when we were out and i said why would you want to do that it you dislike me so much. He said he didn't dislkie me but i told him i felt he despised me. he told me to shut up and walked off. please help, someone

OP posts:
maisemor · 28/08/2007 11:02

That sounds really good. I look forward to hearing how you get on with it .

neednewbag · 28/08/2007 11:45

just waiting now for someone to call back .what does anyone else think abou my situation?

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mummylin2495 · 28/08/2007 14:05

from what i have read ,it seems that once you get close to someone ,you then try and push them away with your actions,are you scared of letting someone in 100% ? i thin you do need help to find out the reasons behind your actions,get it sorted and then try and put your marriage back together,i do think your husband cares for you,dont end up losing it all.It would proabably help for your dh to see someone as well but seperatly from you .good luck.

neednewbag · 28/08/2007 18:11

i told dh i'd arrnaged to see someone and he said he was very proud of me. I don't think he does need to see anyone really. i guess most people would get angry with my behaviour or would have left me long ago. the fac tthat it's happened it previous relationships must been it's something to do with me!! dh knows he needs to be more polite and considrate to me - hopefully he will be if my behaviour towards him improves?

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breeze · 28/08/2007 19:00

Hi, Glad that you have arranged to see someone, your dh sounds exactly like mine was when I was suffering.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. if I could manage to get my life back on track from the pits I was in, then you will be fine with help.

neednewbag · 28/08/2007 20:33

thanks breeze. i'm quite looking forward ot my appt - feel a bt ashamed that i tried to make dh go, when it's obviously me who needs the help

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breeze · 28/08/2007 20:59

yes but it is much easier to see faults in others before you own. Glad you decided to go, and I am sure all will work out well for you.

prettybird · 28/08/2007 21:15

Good for you Neednewbag. The first step is the hardest. I hope your dh will continue to be supportive.

Breeze has given a good account of her own expreince, which seems to have a lot of parallels with yours - and the good news is that she and her dh got through it.

breeze · 29/08/2007 07:53

oh we did prettybird, and infact made us stronger.

Keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.

neednewbag · 29/08/2007 21:12

got an appt with a counsellor tomorrow. a bit nervous and still being a bit distant with dh. not surprising i suppose?

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breeze · 30/08/2007 08:08

Good Luck today.

have you also arranged to go back to the doctors, and the couselling is highly likely to bring up quite a lot of emotional stuff.

neednewbag · 30/08/2007 10:57

thanks breeze. Got a docs appt nxt week to. feeling very low today. i have so much that's good in my life and yet i seem to go from one crisis to another.

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neednewbag · 30/08/2007 12:15

anyone there?

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mummylin2495 · 30/08/2007 12:26

what time is your appt with counsellor ?hope it goe well and is the start of repairing the damage.Today is the start of your "got a new life "

prettybird · 30/08/2007 12:47

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

You are now starting to take control, so things will start to get better. it may be so slowly though that it will only be with hindsight that yuo will be able to look back and see how far you have dome.

You are depressed, so it is normal for you to feel low even when there are good thing sin your life. Depression - and its consquent feffect on the chemical balance of your brain - is not logical.

Remember we are here for support.

Good luck with the counsellor.

neednewbag · 30/08/2007 13:42

the thing is i don't think i am am actually depressed. ,maybe just very senstive and anxious. when things are going well i'm far from being depressed - quite the opposite. appt with counsellor now postponed til next week as the one wanted i wanted is avilable then!. just a bit scared of getting through the next few days without any further outbursts from either of us

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neednewbag · 30/08/2007 18:01

anyone got nay advice on how to get through the next few days?

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prettybird · 30/08/2007 18:18

Have a thought aobut a happy time with your dh - why you love him or a special incident or skmething. Visualise it sotrngly - then do sometihng, cross your fingers, pinch your arm, or wahtever as a "trigger" to remember that visualisation. Every time you are about argue or lose it with your dh, use the trigger and remember why your love him.

Or, just simply, take a breath, reminder yourself that yuo are now starting to deal with your issues and that it is only a few days until you see your counsellor.

You could aks your dh if there is anything he can think of to help you get throguh the next few days.

Also, come on here for support!

mummylin2495 · 30/08/2007 18:40

can you just concentrate on one day at a time ,think about tomorow when it comes.If you feel yourself getting at all agitated just remove yourself from the situation for a while if possible ,even if its only into the garden or another room if thats all you can do

neednewbag · 30/08/2007 21:08

thanks for all your support - it's been so helpful. i wonder if i do suffer from depression, sometimes i thinks so but other times i'm not so sure. maybe whatever it is , the counselling will help

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neednewbag · 01/09/2007 00:09

anyone there? feling quite nervous about the next few days before my appt - just need a chat if anyone's around?

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neednewbag · 01/09/2007 00:23

anyone???

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neednewbag · 01/09/2007 11:30

bump

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pinkteddy · 01/09/2007 13:42

are you OK neednewbag, I haven't had time to read your thread properly but you keep bumping?

Elizabetth · 01/09/2007 14:03

Hi neednewbag, hope you don't mind me adding my 2p worth to the conversation. I'm really sorry about what you are going through at the moment.

I'm finding it really worrying to read that you think you need to change your behaviour so that he won't be "driven" to mistreat you. Nobody can make someone be abusive which is what your husband is being with his verbal attacks on you.

A really good book on this is Patricia Evans' "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". Her take on it is that there are two kinds of relationships, the first where both partners respect one another and treat one another kindly and the other where one partner is wanting kindness and cooperation but the other is always trying to be one up. From the sound of it your husband is trying to be one up on you by putting you down.

The story of his taking your son and then when you got upset because you didn't know where they were (a fairly reasonable response given all the trouble in your relationship at the moment) him trying to use your son to punish you, by threatening to take him home instead of allowing him to enjoy his time out with his Dad sounds like your husband is trying to control you and hurt you.

Nobody should be as unhappy in a relationship as you sound. Just because he is nice some of the time doesn't make up for the times when he is causing you great pain. I really recomnend the book as I think it might help.