it's all gone wrong again - so unhappy

[neednewbag]

Well , don't really know where to start. dh and i have had terrible rows in the past, lots of shouting, swearing and violence from both of us in the past. No violence from either of us for years now and i hope to god it never happens again. he knows if it did, it's over. we still have the most vile arguments which normally start with tivial things and it normally ends in me getting upset about how he's spoken to me or what he's said. he frightens me when he shouts which he knows, but doesn't seen to be able to stop - he said it's what he does when he's angry or frustrated. i've been on ADs for the last year and the arguments haven't been quite so bad - i don't overreact so much and sometime find it easier to make up. I've been cutting down on my ads as they're making me put on weight. i told him yesterday and we ended up arguing in the evening. i went mad over something silly and he shouted"this is what happens when you stop the pills" he thinks i used the fact that he knew i was cutting down to test to see if he'd give me special treatment - maybe that's true? we've had a miserable day and aren't speaking now. i told him last night that i'm not going to discuss what i do with the ADs anymore so if i cut down again, he won't know, then i can't expect any special treatment. I hate him for wha he said yesterday and for how nasty he's been to me today. we were supposed to be going to the zoo but because of last night i felt bad today. he said he's take ds on this own, which upset me as ds has never been to the zoo before. so i made myself get up and go with them but we hardly spoke ,apart from to ds all the time we were out. he tried to hold my hand when we were out and i said why would you want to do that it you dislike me so much. He said he didn't dislkie me but i told him i felt he despised me. he told me to shut up and walked off. please help, someone

Do you love him? It sounds like he loves you, but you're both struggling with some serious issues here, least of which is anger management.

If you want to make a go of it then I think you need to seek some counselling urgently. I know you've had it in the past, but there are obviously some issues that haven't been resolved in your relationship.

Sending you support.

it sounds like you dont want to split up with him for good so theres no point telling him its over as it isnt iyswim.

maybe the best thing would be to spend some time apart while you both sort out your own issues.it is not good for your ds growing up in that environment-believe me.it is terrifying for a small child hearing/seeing things like that.you need to go somewhere or tell your dh to leave,and you both need to get help with your anger issues before you can even consider trying to rebuild your relationship.

i don't really want it to be over but i agree ds should not have to witness what happens. i know counselling sounds like a good idea but we've seen about 3 differne t ones together and one each separately and it makes no difference in the long term. i feel more relaxed without him around . maybe it's just the practicalities of it being just me and ds which scare me?

i suppose one of the things which tells me how bad i feel is thst i'd be too scared to be pregnant again, as the upset of our rows would be even worse if pg. we had terrible rows when i was pg with ds and it resulted in my blook pressure going up. soon after that ds 's growth slowed down and i had to be monitired frequently. he was induced in the end as they didn't think he should stay inside me any longer. before my bp went up were told he was quite big. he was tiny when he was born but has caught up now

what about the practicalities scare you?if you are at the stage of thinking about leaving him and its just that keeping you there,why not post in lone parents asking for advice on the practical side of things?i was worried about leaving my xp as he told me i wouldnt be able to cope on my own,i thought id have no money etc etc.in reality it was 100x easier being on my own.i managed fine on benefits,and i was so much more relaxed i found looking after the dc much easier.and i made friends for the first time(xp didnt like me having friends of my own and expected me to be friends with his mate's wives).

fwiw,my xp had anger management and went on a DV programme,saw a councellor etc and it made no difference as he couldnt accept that anything was his fault.i saw 3 different councellors/CPNs whan i was with him and it made no difference because i couldnt accept that it wasnt my fault,i wanted them to tell me how to learn to behave better so he didnt hit me anymore

wen to my mums but ending up calling him and he came over too - i felt so empty and alone without him. we're going to talk when ds is in bed so hope it goes ok. i really don't want our marriage to end. but should i forgive him for hitting me? i know it was very wrong of me to hit him first

we had a chat and have agreed it was v wrong of both of us to hit and have discussed ways to try to deal with things better in the future. i'm so worried that it'll all go wrong again

now it's gone from bad to worse. last night i asked him he could look after ds today as i neede to catch up on sleep as i'll be looking adter him on my own next week.
h said he'd take ds for a walk. i woke up at 12.30 and looked out of the window and saw that h's car had gone and so had ds. i called him in hystericsa nd asked where they were. he said he's decided to take him somewhere else. i got really upset that he hadn't told me where he's taken hima nd he got really angry with me and said he's come hime and i could look after ds and hei'd have to learn about the consequences of my hysterics. eventually manged to persaud him to stay away and he said he expected an apology when he got home. just don't know what to do, wish i'd stayed at my mums now

is anyone there - just need some advice - sitting here in tears. please help someone

You poor thing, you sound as if you are in a real quagmire right now.

I have no idea what the long term solution is but I think you and ds should go back to your mum's and stay there for a week or so, just to give you some breathing space.

In fairness to your dh, I don't wake my dh to tell him I'm taking ds out in the morning, so there's no real reason why he should have told you, except that in the light of the recent events it's not surprising you've overreacted to finding them gone.

There's clearly going to be another row when he gets home. And then another, and another. I think you need to get calm before you try and discuss things. You need to focus on you and getting your meds sorted out, there's no way you can make a meaningful decision whilst you're this upset.

I'm going to sound harsh, but it sounds like you both have issues that need to be dealt with.

You had hysterics becouase your dh had taken his own son in the car soemwhere rather than going for a walk locally? You complain becasue he didn't tell you? But you also say you only woke up at 12.30. SO you wanted him to wake you up, even though you said you needed to catch up on your sleep?

You ask about whether you should forgive him for hitting you. SHould he forgive you for hitting him? You did start it. I'm not saying that it makes it right, but you are both at fault - and both have a lot of growing up to do.

In terms of your orginal posting, it sounds like your dh was trying to make some moves back towards you, which you then threw back in his face. He's said hurtful things to you and you've said hurtful things to him.

It sounds like you both have issues with intimacy. It also doesn't sound like a healthy environment for your ds to be in, if there is an ongoing cold war between his parents.

You say you have tried counselling before and it didn't work. Why didn't it work? Did either of you get anything out of it? Did you not get on with the counsellor?Your dh went to separate counselling (for anger management?): did he get anything out of it? I know you say it didn't work - but did he think it was helpful?

It amy be that you need to find a different counsellor and go back over old ground - and see if this time you can make some progress. It may be that you need to see a counsellor on your own, to see if that might address some of your own issues - espcially if you are also dealing with depression.

You can't have a lifetime on ADS - but you also can't continue as you are.

If you both have a will and a desire to change things and move your relationship forward, then you will. As someone has said - you can't change him, but you can change the way you deal with him. Likewsie for him - he can't chage you, but he can change the way he reacts to you - if he ants to.

If neither of you want to, then yuo should be thinking of calling a day and not letting this toxic relationship damage your ds.

FWIW - I think there is a glimmer of hope - the fact that yuo've both been prepared to go to counselling bofre suggests that you both want this relationship to succeed.

thanks. yes i think we both do have things we need t sort out. i have gone back to my proper does of ad now as i do seem to think better and feel happier when taking them. i was going to ask h if he's go back to counselling for his anger - maybe a different one this time as he felt the other one wasn't much used after a few sessions. i'm worried he'll just say no

Sounds as though you have a lot of emotions running round.

If you were resting he probaby didnt want to wake you just to say we are going somewhere different.

I think you do have to seriously consider what you want for the future and if it is to be with him or to be alone with ds?

he just called him again and i asked him about going to counselling again for his temper - he agreed!!!

Dear Neednewbag,

It sounds as if you are an extremely insecure person that is in desperate need of validation at all times from your husband.

You need to believe him when he says that he loves you.

I am afraid I am on your partner's side on this one.

You hit him first - I am sorry but how dare you. That is domestic violence that you made your son witness. Not good at all .

You look for arguments. The incident of not accepting his hand in the Zoo. The telephoning him to shout at him when he was being kind and taking son out so you could sleep. For goodness sake he did what you asked him to do!!??

It sounds to me that if he has a valid point then you have to find something to make him even more wrong so that you can feel good about yourself, because yeah you might have done this to him but he did this to you, he begged for me to do it to him. It was his punishment.

I think you might benefit from seeing somebody regarding your temper and your behaviour, before you start pointing your finger at your husband/partner.

Please don't get me wrong I do feel sorry for you, and I wish I could help you get rid of the bad feelings that you carry around.

I really hope that you will both be able to work through this, seperately and jointly if you see what I mean.

Big hug,
Maisemor

Could you attend along with him? you mentioned you did hit him first. violence is not acceptable at all from either party so maybe they can talk you through alterative ways of dealing with both of your angers.

Hope it all works out for you
(bug hugs)

maybe it's unfair of me then to ask him to go the the counsellor. maybe i should just see how things go for a while now i'm back on my proper does of ad s. maybe if we just give eachother a bit more space and understanding when we're upset, it'sll all be ok?

I really think you should look at how you yourself feel, why you feel this way and why you react the way you do.

There's no way in this situation a magic solution is going to appear where, if you can just give each other a bit of space when you're upset it'll all be okay. You've been hitting each other, for god's sake. You need to think what's best for your child.

If he's agreed to go for counselling, good for him. Let him get on with it.

Meanwhile you need to get help as well.

No - I still think you both need to see a counsellor - either jointly or separately - to address how you are reacting to each other.

Just leaving it for the ADs to deal with is not a solution.

Maisemor said what I tried to say only a lot more forecefully! You also have an anger/neediness issue that needs addressing.

I don't think you know how to give each other a bit more space and understanding when you're upset: things will jsut start escalating again next time either of you is under some sort of pressure. You need to learn how to relate to each other maturely - that inlcudes how to give each other space when you are upset (and it is human to be upset and angry at each other on occasion - we are not al perfect).

Lots of hugs - and at elast you both seem to want to deal with your respective issues.

My opinion would be that you do both need to go and you are right to do that now. My only concern was that if he was to seek help and you dont. However much his counciling helps if you are going to use violence to communicate your anger you will get no where.

Dont get me wrong he has probably said some awful things and made you really mad. But you should be able to discuss it like adults not just hit him as that doesnt resolve anything.

Take Care

I did try to be gentle OriginalUglyBetty .

it's ok maisemor, i think you said it very well

Sorry, i wasnt meaning to sound harsh

Ohhh, wow what have I done. I did put a smilie behind it. I took no offense whatsoever and I meant none.

Have just read the messages again, and donkey here meant to have written Prettybird and not OriginalUglyBetty . Lalalala, Maisemor skips away whistling pretending not to hear or see anything...