it's all gone wrong again - so unhappy

[neednewbag]

Well , don't really know where to start. dh and i have had terrible rows in the past, lots of shouting, swearing and violence from both of us in the past. No violence from either of us for years now and i hope to god it never happens again. he knows if it did, it's over. we still have the most vile arguments which normally start with tivial things and it normally ends in me getting upset about how he's spoken to me or what he's said. he frightens me when he shouts which he knows, but doesn't seen to be able to stop - he said it's what he does when he's angry or frustrated. i've been on ADs for the last year and the arguments haven't been quite so bad - i don't overreact so much and sometime find it easier to make up. I've been cutting down on my ads as they're making me put on weight. i told him yesterday and we ended up arguing in the evening. i went mad over something silly and he shouted"this is what happens when you stop the pills" he thinks i used the fact that he knew i was cutting down to test to see if he'd give me special treatment - maybe that's true? we've had a miserable day and aren't speaking now. i told him last night that i'm not going to discuss what i do with the ADs anymore so if i cut down again, he won't know, then i can't expect any special treatment. I hate him for wha he said yesterday and for how nasty he's been to me today. we were supposed to be going to the zoo but because of last night i felt bad today. he said he's take ds on this own, which upset me as ds has never been to the zoo before. so i made myself get up and go with them but we hardly spoke ,apart from to ds all the time we were out. he tried to hold my hand when we were out and i said why would you want to do that it you dislike me so much. He said he didn't dislkie me but i told him i felt he despised me. he told me to shut up and walked off. please help, someone

Maisemor - I thought you put it very well, and altohugh you were forceful, you were also very positive, with contrucitve adivce. Much clearer and to the point than my posting!

I hope you do manage to get help help, neednewbag.

Good luck {{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

Thats ok, i read mine back and just thought it could have been seen has harsh.

I do tend to type 1st and think later sometimes

x

i just wish so much i hadn't hit him, then he wouldn't have hit me and then i wouldn't be in quite so much of a state about things. i was just looking at my first post and saw that i'd written that there'd been no violence for years. now i can't even console myself with that. surely most men wouldn't hit a woman even if she hit them?

I don't think there's any point in blaming yourself for what happened, or blaming him. Quite clearly there is fault on both sides and you both need to get help. The only issue is to make sure that you do, and that you can calm things down for your ds.

we looked at the website of a counsellor in our area dh has agreed to call him.

Hope it all works out, and glad you are both moving forward. keep us posted on how things go

If dh is going to call, is it for both of you? You both need help to address yuor respective and joint issues.

no, the counselling would just be for him. but the more i think about it, maybe it's me who needs the counselling , not him. I've had similar issues in my previous marriage and other relationships. i hit my first husband and sometimes hit back and i hit a bloke a lived with, he never hit back but did try to restrain which once resulted in him bruising me. maybe it is me whoneeds the help to change

Hi, Agreed it definately sounds as though you both could do with some help, as others have said you so sound terribly insecure, which is probably due to the depression. I had terrible pnd, and my poor DH took the brunt for several years, (I was more interested in getting off the ad's, even before getting better, as soon as I realised the ad's were not my enermy, I managed to get better) I remember several time sitting on the settee spending lots of time picking an arguement over nothing, then shouting and saying the most horrible things to him that I knew would deeply hurt him, I remember standing in a doorway to dtop him leaving while I carried on saying spiteful things, he pushed me out the way, not very hard but enough for me to play the victim the next day "how could you push me", it wasn't until after I had been long off the ad's that I realised just how awful I was.

FWIW I have a very strong loving relationship with my dh, but when I was suffering from PND he would be supporive some of the time, but others he wasn't, he onces called me a nutjob and a freak, which he was driven to by my constant spitefil remarks.

I feel as though your dh would have been in a no win situation, you got upset because he never told you he had taken his own son in the car, but if he had of woken you, I am sure you would of had a go at that.

From both your threads I think your are not even ready to come of the ad's, if anything up them (on your doctors advice of course).

Do you tell your doctor how you really feel when you go? or are you just so desperate to get off them.

yep from your last post, I think its you who needs help.

one of the other things which makes me think it is me who needs the help is what i do when dh tries to make up with me.if he says something to upset me i normally go upstairs. then i sit waiting, hoping that he'll come up to see me, which he normally does. then if he doesn't say what i wanted him to say (ie sorry) i reject him, and then wait for him to come back again , which he normally does. this goes on until he either gives up comibg to see me or he loses his temper with me and starts saying nasty things

do you actually like him? it doesn't sound like you do to me and you sound rather spoilt and unpleasant from reading your own words..

can't you just decide to be a nicer person you might like it alternatively face up to the fact that you and he are incompatible and making each other miserable..however hard he tries he is not going to make you happy

seriously though a lot of your posts sound like something I could have written 5 years ago, you clearly can not go on as you are. I would go back to the doctors

i think you're right. i'm going to make a docs appt today and try to find a counsellor for me. maybe if my behaviour improves, the dh's will too. think its me who needs help not him

i do like him, but whatever good he does, i always want more

I am so glad to hear that you are going back to the doctor. Hope he/she can help you.

{{{{{big hug}}}}

thanks maisemor.do yoi agree it's really me who needs the counselling rather than him?

anyone there?

Sorry but yes, from your posts here I think you need to go to counselling.

That is not to say that your husband does not need to go as well.

maybe you need relationship guidance?

could you both try and write something down...things you like doing together, things you would both like to do in future...

yes you sound like you need help of some sort..

I would like to point out Neednewbag, that this does not make you bad person.

You would be doing something to change the situation, and thereby not rely on your husband to change the way things are currently.

Sorry got to work, will be back though..

i'm going to try to sort out an appt for me. i think maybe if i change some of the ways i behave then dh wouldn't be driven to some of his behaviour. he has taken complete care of ds for the last few days while i've been uable to cope. he also does loads of stuff round the house even tho i'm a SAHM. he does all the ironing in the evenings while i'm relaxing. he sorts out most of the washing, earns good money which he's not all controlling over, rubs my feet to help me sleep most nights, takes over looking after ds as soon as he gets home, gets up with ds most weekend mornings and on holiday, encourages me to go out with friends in the evening, puts me under no pressure to go back to work,helps my mum with things round the house. maybe i should just think about all this - and realise how lucky i am? and get some counselling to try to change some of my behaviour before i risk losing it all?

It is good that you are trying to focus on the good/positive things in your relationship.

You should try each day to do at least one good thing for your partner without expecting anything in return. Just to show (yourself) that you do love and appreciate him.

thanks maisemor. i do things for my dh most days but will try to do more and expect less from him. i've phone a couple of counsellors and left messages fo rthem to callme back. i think it is me who needs the help - i'm sort of looking forward to it