If you could confront the woman your DH cheated with, would you?

[FreudianShit]

DH cheated last year. I found out after discovering some messages - it wasn’t clear what exactly had gone on based on the things that had been said, so when I pressed DH for an explanation, he gave me his version of events aka a probably minimised story, but as that was all I had to go by, I had to take it or leave it.

We're still in the process of trying to move on from it all, but there’s this constant niggle in the back of my head that despite me saying to him he needed to be 100% honest with me - and if I ever found out more info which he’d withheld, he’d be gone - I feel like there’s still more to know.

I know where the woman works who he cheated on me with - it’s a pub up the road from us. I’d met her a couple times as DH used to work there too. She was always disgustingly, over the top, nice to me. Go figure.

Would it be completely insane of me to ask her for a few minutes of her time, woman to woman, not a screaming match, but just a quick chat for her to relay her side of the story? If hers matches up with DH’s, fine, I can properly put all of this bed and will have a sense of closure/like a weight has been lifted. If it doesn’t, well I’ll cross that bridge.

But right now, I feel like I have this constant cloud of uncertainty looming over me, and I just want to get to the bottom of what really happened that night.

Go for it - you are well within your rights and have nothing to lose.

Though I warn you; he could have briefed her and she’s in on it or you’ll hear some awful truths. Men who are caught will only admit to what they can prove.

No. He was married to you. Not her.

I did and thoroughly recommend it. It was very cathartic. Good luck if you decide to go for it.

That was grammatically incorrect! He was married to you. She wasn’t.

Don't do it.

I did. Made me feel much better at the time, but now I wish I hadn’t given her the satisfaction.

She was also over the top nice to me prior to me finding out. Bitch.

I’m not proud of this, but I was the ow once upon a time. The wife confronted me, I don’t think it did her any good. Nothing I said could fix it, and she couldn’t trust me anyway, so it didn’t matter what I said. She continued to text me, angry upset texts, for probably 18 months after the discovery and then stopped. I don’t know what happened in their marriage.
What could you really gain, from someone you know is untrustworthy?

What more are you expecting her to tell you? He cheated. You want to know how badly he cheated?

I wouldn't tell him that I'd be seeing her, obviously if her story was different, he'd know about it pretty shit quick though.

He has no way of contacting her, so no way of confirming/matching up stories.
I basically found the messages a few days after the cheating happened, pulled DH up on it there and then, he then blocked and deleted her FB straight away in front of me. They didn't have each other's numbers, they only messaged via Facebook.

I think for me, speaking to her and getting her side, I'll be able to move on properly, in one way or another. It honestly feels like I've been dragging this around for months now and that hearing from her; whether it be a similar story to dhs, or a different, more detailed one, at least I won't be stuck in this odd limbo I feel like I'm in at the moment.

I know two women who did this. They said it helped their healing process.

I think your mind is made up. Good luck, whatever the outcome. I’m sorry this happened to you

Basically yeah. He told me it was a kiss, but I suspect more. A kiss is what you say happened when you're massively minimising.

If she turns around and says it was just a kiss too, then great. But if it was more than that, he will be gone. I won't be able to get past that.

Don’t do it, you make yourself vulnerable and she has the power

You want a more a more detailed story of his cheating? That’s only going to hurt you.

Do you honestly think you could cope with the pitying look she would probably give you? He's fucked up your relationship and you're still trying to find out the truth. You don't need a big revelation from her to give you a reason to kick his cheating arse out.

it's unlikely that you'll get what you need from this encounter: she may refuse to engage with you, for a start. If I was her, I wouldn't. Cosy chat with the wife - nooo.

She may tell you things you can't unhear. Her version may be very different to what he's told you. You may not believe her even if she does tell you want you want to hear. I doubt very much it'll give you the closure you're hoping for.

Basically you don't really believe him, do you? You think, you feel, that he's minimised and that you've been suckered.

I do think he minimised yeah, and that's why I'm struggling to properly get over it. What man, when he's been caught out messaging a woman with hints towards something having gone on between them, offers up the full story to his DW when question on it? He surely gives her the crumbs, rather than the whole loaf?

I'm hoping that by speaking to the OW, it'll help me move on. Yes, it'll be painful in the short term, but I think it could really help me in the long term.

@WellErrr @Powerplant Did either of you gain more info? Or did the OW just tell you things you already knew?

He has no way of contacting her

Sorry OP, but that seems strangely naive. You have trusted him for a year not to get back in touch with her and I understand that you have to believe that in order to move forward. But don't be under any illusion that they could be in contact at any point. He could drop by the pub easily or find her number on FB and WhatsApp her.

I think you should see her because a year later you don't feel you have closure and that's too much time out of your life to feel this way.

If you ask her, can you trust what she says? She could either lie to minimise things to make it easier for herself with you in front of her or she may exaggerate dramatically if she still fancies your husband and wants to split you up.

I can understand why you would want to confront her. Just tread carefully. If you go ahead, it would be worth sticking your mobile phone onto record in your pocket in case you want to play what was said to your husband at a later date.

I could never stay with someone who cheated because, like you I'd always wonder the truth.

If you really need this to get closure, then go for it.

Yes would and did. Would do it again.

Why waste your time when all she will do is lie. If you can't trust what your husband said happened then why are you still with him after all this time? Like PP the issue is with him, not her.

But to add confronting them doesn't make it go away. It won't ever go away. It will be there to live with forever. Confronting them just makes you feel better for a second getting to tell them exactly what they are while the flounder around with no response that makes sense. But the fact he cheated, the lost trust, uncertainty of where he is when he says he's working back or away for work etc... That stays and can ruin your life. Not worth it IMO.

I asked number 1 ow if it was true and she denied everything. I haven’t bothered number 2 ow. I showed her instagram to all my friends and they said she was ugly and that helped more.

So sorry you're going through this :( xxxxx

I would ask her. It mightn't give you closure but at least you'll have more information to work on, or a general vibe maybe if she doesn't come clean. Don't pre-warn her that you're coming, as it might give them time to confer and get their story 'straight.'