If you could confront the woman your DH cheated with, would you?

[FreudianShit]

DH cheated last year. I found out after discovering some messages - it wasn’t clear what exactly had gone on based on the things that had been said, so when I pressed DH for an explanation, he gave me his version of events aka a probably minimised story, but as that was all I had to go by, I had to take it or leave it.

We're still in the process of trying to move on from it all, but there’s this constant niggle in the back of my head that despite me saying to him he needed to be 100% honest with me - and if I ever found out more info which he’d withheld, he’d be gone - I feel like there’s still more to know.

I know where the woman works who he cheated on me with - it’s a pub up the road from us. I’d met her a couple times as DH used to work there too. She was always disgustingly, over the top, nice to me. Go figure.

Would it be completely insane of me to ask her for a few minutes of her time, woman to woman, not a screaming match, but just a quick chat for her to relay her side of the story? If hers matches up with DH’s, fine, I can properly put all of this bed and will have a sense of closure/like a weight has been lifted. If it doesn’t, well I’ll cross that bridge.

But right now, I feel like I have this constant cloud of uncertainty looming over me, and I just want to get to the bottom of what really happened that night.

I honestly dont know whether I could trust what she says, but as someone else has said, I think for me, the act alone of speaking with her would feel almost cathartic.

I do feel like I need closure. I deserve it. I already feel as though I've wasted so long living in this bubble of uncertainty and doubt, so anything I could do to potentially help me move closer to either finding out the truth, or discovering I already had the truth, can only, in my eyes, be a good thing.

Interesting @DefinitelyAWallflower how did that go?

Good point about recording the convo Snowy! Would never have thought to do that

Did either of you gain more info? Or did the OW just tell you things you already knew?

She just told me the same story he did. I didn’t believe either of them.

I could never stay with someone who cheated

Yeah I used to say that too. And mean it.

Turns out real life isn’t so black and white though....

Oh!! And the key part, I did lie to the wife. God I feel awful saying it now, but I did. I played it down because it was already over, I felt awfully guilty and I knew he’d never tell her either... less she knew. I don’t know. I should have been honest, but wasn’t. I don’t think she really believed me but what else did she have?

I showed her instagram to all my friends and they said she was ugly and that helped more.

😂😂 it’s the little things...!

He has no way of contacting her, so no way of confirming/matching up stories.

Yeah don’t bet on that.

I thought the same, turned out mine was emailing from a little-used address. Actual emails. I thought no one did that in 2018 outside of offices but there we are.
He was deleting the emails but not the trash folder. Rookie error.

I think for me it depends whether it was a long standing affair or a ons

If the former, no I wouldn't. There's nothing to gain from it, and I wouldn't want to seem vulnerable to her.

If the latter I think I would, however be aware the only closure you are going to get is if her story doesn't match his. I.e. more happened. Because if she tells you the same as him, will you believe her? Unlikely and you'll just be in the same position.

The only closure would be if she admitted more had happened really. If you are going to stay with him you have to accept that you are okay with more having happened, and you are okay with the fact you might never know.

Nah... I know that she is vile and is desperate, to find a man like my exh attractive, knowing that he was fully
Married with three children one of whom has mental health issues and autism. They share the same moral compass . He desperate to disengage from the hardship of our family life and her desperate to take up
With a man like him. My only expressed wish is that her name is not mentioned to our children and that they do not meet her for a period of years. My eldest knows deep
Down and cannot bear him, the younger two just think he chose work over us ... but in time they will find out and their respect for her will
Match their respect for him ... karma will
Deal
With both of them.

Sorry for detailing... guess who is newly separated, bitter and twisted 😂

She will lie o know because the ow did with to me. What does it matter you dont trust him.tbh you know in you're heart and can tell by you're post more happened than kissing it was likely sex. Adults tend to not just kiss they tend to progress to further things especially if they been chatting to one either beforehand, this was pre planned. Why are you with him op. You sound on edge is this anyway to live you're life?

Derailing I meant .

I’m tempted to do something worse. OW works in a coffee shop ( she’s still married and my ex is still seeing her). I have a headless pic of her in a black basque so was going to get t shirts done with the picture on the front and Guess who? Written on the back.
If she causes any trouble I might be very tempted 👿

There would have been no point. She was the mother of my godson and a close friend. She knew me well and didn't care that she was lying to me. She even confronted me after my ex had come clean and demanded that I lie to the husband that she was separated from (my old flatmate and very close friend) in case she changed her mind later. He was busy breaking his heart thinking that he had chased her away through being jealous and suspicious. I gave her two weeks to do it herself, then told him. Oh and she told me that I was a shit friend as she wanted me to then go round to their rented love neat and fix the boiler for them as it was cold and I refused. I told her she had made her choice as to which half of the couple she wanted and now she could reap the benefit of her choice (he was crap at anything practical).

The chances are that your OW will lie or minimise. I wouldn't waste my breath. I also now wouldn't tolerate an emotional affair or flirting. Anyone who did that to me would be sailing out my front door sharpish.

I think it will help if she seems sorry, ashamed and regretful, and confirms his story about the kiss.

It will not help if she laughs in your face, implies that she knows private things about you, says she pities you for staying, gives you a different story, tells you they loved each other or refuses to speak to you.

If the latter you will be left wondering whether she's being truthful or not, and will be no further forward.

@FreudianShit
how did that go?

Made me feel better. And how her life turned out after has been satisfying. But I regret staying. Ruined my life. I never want anyone to make the mistake I did so when someone asks for advice after just finding out, my advice is don't waste your life and your time by staying. Not worth it in the long run. And chances of it happening again are high too.

Personally I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. Aloof disdain are the only emotions you should be showing her.

I did.. any she dumped straight away.. he named me for braking the relationship with ' the love of his life'🙄 Can't pretend I wasn't pleased, but ultimately serve no purpose.. but if you want to build bridges it might not help!

He has no way of contacting her, so no way of confirming/matching up stories

Depending on how long it lasted that's quite an assumption to make; are you absolutely certain he has no way of contacting her (and that it's not still going on, for that matter?)

You're quite right he'll tell you only what he chooses - but then, so might she. It's also not her who broke her vows to you, so unless it'll make you feel better to give her both barrels I'd personally leave it

Yes I did. I’ve actually done it on two occasions with two different women.

And both blokes lied about there actual involvement. Both women admitted shagging them where my ex’s swore on everything they hadn’t. I believed the women.

I didn’t find it therapeutic it just put clarity in my head.

Emails is the rookie error. There are apps especially for this. Like Kik.

I did

Didn’t believe either of them

I did! Completely spare of the moment... I was driving past their offices in the town and decided to wait.. 5 minutes later she walked out to her car... I think she was shocked but I told her what I thought and I was pleased I did. I also told her husband and that really put the cat amongst the pigeons. I thought why the hell should ww3 be erupting in my life, my home and she plays happy families with her unsuspecting husband.. no way! So I let the shit land on her doorstep too... good luck

Just realised you said "I know where the woman works who he cheated on me with - it’s a pub up the road from us"

So how does it work that he's "got no way of contacting her"??

Couldn't he just ring where she works to talk to her? She could lie either way depending on what she wants. She might want him and then will hope to split you up by saying they slept together. Or she'll minimise it. Either way how can you trust an OW. They're both untrustworthy.

I wouldn't lower yourself. Someone who is happy to be the OW can't be trusted, she could and may say whatever she likes....you still wouldn't know if she's lying or not. She clearly lacks morals so won't tell you out of wanting 'to do the right thing.' Forget her, move on.

I did confront my husbands OW when she called him when he was asleep.
I told her he was fast asleep after we had sex (we hadn't at all) and congratulated her on her weight loss at slimming world but my husband said she still had a lot of weight to lose so wished her luck especially with her fat belly (his words not mine) I hung up and slept soundly that night with a smile on my chops 😂

I would love to do this and often have a script in my head about what I would say. I know it would give me enormous satisfaction to call her out for her behaviour with some nasty , bitchy remarks.
I am still thinking about it