If you could confront the woman your DH cheated with, would you?

[FreudianShit]

DH cheated last year. I found out after discovering some messages - it wasn’t clear what exactly had gone on based on the things that had been said, so when I pressed DH for an explanation, he gave me his version of events aka a probably minimised story, but as that was all I had to go by, I had to take it or leave it.

We're still in the process of trying to move on from it all, but there’s this constant niggle in the back of my head that despite me saying to him he needed to be 100% honest with me - and if I ever found out more info which he’d withheld, he’d be gone - I feel like there’s still more to know.

I know where the woman works who he cheated on me with - it’s a pub up the road from us. I’d met her a couple times as DH used to work there too. She was always disgustingly, over the top, nice to me. Go figure.

Would it be completely insane of me to ask her for a few minutes of her time, woman to woman, not a screaming match, but just a quick chat for her to relay her side of the story? If hers matches up with DH’s, fine, I can properly put all of this bed and will have a sense of closure/like a weight has been lifted. If it doesn’t, well I’ll cross that bridge.

But right now, I feel like I have this constant cloud of uncertainty looming over me, and I just want to get to the bottom of what really happened that night.

@Lillygolightly - that is genius

I would want to know & I would want to know before Christmas either one way or another as the not knowing I think is worse.

Something about lying to try and get the truth doesn't sit right with me, though I can appreciate the creativity behind that scenario, and frankly, could actually see it working quite well

I think the responses on here have been relatively mixed, but seeing that a fair few of you would want to speak to her too, that makes me feel lees 'insane' about wanting to go through with this

A friend of mine did this. She learnt a lot (mainly about what a coward and a dock her xh was). It was good for her at the time but then the OW kept sending her godawful taunting messages for another year.

Probably wouldn’t bother, she doesn’t owe you anything. If you think your husband is lying, then he probably is!

She was always disgustingly, over the top, nice to me. Go figure.

And you think you're going to get the truth out of someone like that?

If she was straight she wouldn't have got with him at all and she wouldn't have being over the top nice to you.

*been

I don't know whether I'll get the truth out of her. I can only try.

I'm just struggling so much to believe that two adults would find themselves 'accidentally' kissing each other, right at the very end of a bunch of work mates hanging out. Like, in my mind, accidents like that don't just happen. Not without at least a few weeks worth of flirty build up and maybe some inappropriate messaging too. For it to have blindsided DH - like he's claiming - just sounds like utter bullshit. What's more, if it was just one big accident that he neither saw coming, nor planned, then why on earth would they be messaging each other in the days following? Why would they be arranging a one on one hang out? Yknow.

I can't make sense of it all. And I can't get these questions out of my head.

If you are going to confront her, watch this first...

God no. Why would you even give her consequence? He’s the problem.

Keep your dignity OP,.

@CurlsandCurves that was amazing

i do no believe for a second they "just kissed" in a year?

i would 100% confront her

keep your dignity while you do it

There's a chance she might feel guilty and tell you everything, worth a try.

Hi, Would you take back your DH who left you 4 years ago for a younger woman and now has a baby with her? He came to look for his children that I have with him and slept at my house. We spoke at length and I stupidly said whenever he is in town, he is more than welcome to stay at the house. We didn't talk for years because I was still hurting and he walked out my life over 4 years now. He's giving talks like he want to be a family again, but he is still living with the OW. I heard through the grapevine she sorted out a job for him, assisted him in getting his driving license and getting back on his feet. I am totally confused, this is not the first time he has cheated! Any advised? I know I am being an idiot but my confidence has taken a nose dive!

@Sophiedee

Think you've accidentally commented on someone else's thread instead of starting a new one! Easily done just letting you know

Sorry, I am just navigating my way around! silly me! thanks

It sounds to me like you want actual proof of what you probably already know but you need the proof to pull the pin on the grenade and to feel justified in ending your marriage. Having been there, I'm here to tell you that you don't need anymore proof, it is perfectly ok to say 'I don't love you anymore in the same way that I did because I don't trust you'. You don't need anymore proof - your feelings and hurt are proof enough. Don't hurt yourself anymore unnecessarily.

I did and she denied it and gave me the same rehearsed lie that exp had given me. She then got nasty with me and sent me loads of abuse. I ended up feeling worse after. She was and still is a nasty, vile human being. If I could go back I wouldn't have bothered confronting her, I would have just kicked him out and moved on.

Fantastic video Curlsand Curves, so funny and perfect. Love the ending-

So you want to speak to the OW to see what she has to say as you don't trust your H ? You have a " constant cloud of uncertainty" hanging over you ? Time to move on from your H !

I did and it led to nothing good at all.

I was very hurt and angry and lashed out. She played the victim (this is a consistent position of hers), gaslit me some more and promised she was going to be a better person whilst crying to her boss that I was a bully and she was an innocent flower.

2 years on she still attempts to look at my social media. Still sends malicious emails. Still shoots ME dirty looks.

My advice is realise how pathetic she is to engage with a married man. Acceptance of not being number 1 and being there just to stroke an ego.

My husband and I worked it out. It's taken 2 years and a lot of work (by him) but we are probably better than before. Obviously a lot has shifted but we likely would be divorced now without the work we've done I just wish that it hadn't taken utter devastation to get there.

I hear you all, and I know it sounds like a convoluted approach to figuring things out and gauging how truthful my DH has been, but for me, if i went down the route of 'my DH said you slept together and frankly I'm really struggling to believe it was just the once, can you confirm how many times it was?' And she turns around and is visibly shocked/taken aback and is all 'wtf, we never slept together. It was just a kiss after a works do. Why on earth did he say we slept together?!' then I'll know what he said was true. Or, she could of course turn round and say 'it was just a one time kiss, but we had been messaging and flirting for quite some time before that happened'. Either way, I'll at least be a bit closer to finding out a more solidified version of events.

It would seem I have no reason to trust what she says, but if someone asks if you've slept with someone when you genuinely haven't, I'm pretty sure your reaction would be written all over your face.

I really do want to move on from this whole saga, and figuring out if I've had the actual truth this whole time will be me massively. I appreciate this isn't how some of you would handle things, and it seems easy to say 'well if you don't trust him, just leave!'. But right now, if he has been truthful, I don't want to kick him out. I can close this chapter and never look back.

Obviously, if there's more to his story that he's kept from me this entire time, then I'll act accordingly.

Should have said - help me massively!!

But right now, if he has been truthful, I don't want to kick him out.
So, as long as he's being truthful about the level of cheating, you can get over the fact he cheated in the first place?

From what you’ve said, I think you’ll regret it if you don’t.

I read all the advice of “keep your dignity” “don’t contact ow” “don’t get revenge”.

I did take revenge (which is very unlike me) but if I hadn't I would have regretted it forever! I do wish I had contacted ow, even if it had all been lies, I wouldn’t be left with “I should have done that”.

Do what your gut tells you.