If you could confront the woman your DH cheated with, would you?

[FreudianShit]

DH cheated last year. I found out after discovering some messages - it wasn’t clear what exactly had gone on based on the things that had been said, so when I pressed DH for an explanation, he gave me his version of events aka a probably minimised story, but as that was all I had to go by, I had to take it or leave it.

We're still in the process of trying to move on from it all, but there’s this constant niggle in the back of my head that despite me saying to him he needed to be 100% honest with me - and if I ever found out more info which he’d withheld, he’d be gone - I feel like there’s still more to know.

I know where the woman works who he cheated on me with - it’s a pub up the road from us. I’d met her a couple times as DH used to work there too. She was always disgustingly, over the top, nice to me. Go figure.

Would it be completely insane of me to ask her for a few minutes of her time, woman to woman, not a screaming match, but just a quick chat for her to relay her side of the story? If hers matches up with DH’s, fine, I can properly put all of this bed and will have a sense of closure/like a weight has been lifted. If it doesn’t, well I’ll cross that bridge.

But right now, I feel like I have this constant cloud of uncertainty looming over me, and I just want to get to the bottom of what really happened that night.

I did , after my then 11 year old found pictures and texts on his phone .
I put the kids to bed, sat next to him as calm as anything and rang her.
On loud speaker. Well his face was a picture.
She was absolutely pathetic, ugly crying and saying sorry over and over.
Mousey little fucker.
He kept telling me to hang up and she was just begging for forgiveness.
It actually made me more angry because she was such a whiny twat!
He worked with her and throughout the "affair" she knew when my youngest, who is disabled was in critical care because a seizure almost killed him and she knew that I had to sleep sitting up with my son propped up in case he was sick during the constant seizures and choked again.
I read all of the texts/ sexts.
He was telling her how neglected he was because I gave the DC too much attention.
At this point we didn't know if the little one would survive the night it was that bad.
I was living from minute to minute and he was being a bastard.
I do think it helps to talk to the OW.
Go for it, I was just so angry afterwards I threw him out and drank half a bottle of vodka.
I don't drink so that was messy!

I spoke to OW twice in 4 years she lied just as much as my now xh. The first conversation I had with her she said they were just friends and how dare I ring her making accusations and spoil her family afternoon. Years later I found out she was sleeping with my husband at this point. Likewise my husband was also telling me it was just one kiss at this point. When I eventually kicked my husband out and tried to call her again she didn't even have the decency to speak to me. My own personal experience is that people who have affairs are pathological liars. Don't lower yourself to ask her instead ask yourself do you think you can trust your husband again and is he worth fighting for. I wish I'd trusted my gut and kicked my now xh out years earlier.

It might help you but you can't really trust her. People who have affairs and the people who have affairs with people they know are in relationships can never be trusted. They are liars and are happy to lie to get something for themselves. They are just selfish. Yeah she might tell you the truth, or she could embellish the story hoping it will make you split up with him so she can have him. You've no way of knowing for certain.

You think more has gone on. I would tell him to either tell me the truth or pack his bags and fuck off because you know he is lying.

Are you prepared to leave him if she tells you there is more? If you are, I don't think you have anything to lose.

If you want to stay with him don't do it, it'll just make the healing process so much harder.

Don't feel guilty about contacting her, though. He did this, not you.

I'm not sure why you think you can contact her but he can't. Clearly he can. Even we can see that.

There is also a good chance she will minimise it, which could leave you feeling they are both lying. She is likely to be fully aware of the line he's told you and stick to it.

I'm really not sure there is much to be gained here, but if it's something you're set on go for it. Personally I think think the issue is you don't trust him and that's want you need to address.

In my experience if you have a gut feeling something isn't sitting right and he's not telling the truth, then he probably isn't. My, now exh, told me the same as yours, emotional affair and they'd kissed. I found out 3 years later, they'd slept together several times. I kicked him out. The thing was that I always had a niggling doubt that there was more and he'd minimised, so kept digging. I should have kicked him out when I found out initially, not wasted another 3 years as it ate away at me

Of course he can still contact her. It may give you closure speaking to her he has probably told her what story he gave you and she may go along with it or she might be bitter about them splitting up and she may say more happened than it did to break you two up or she may be honest who knows

So, I don't know whether it changes anything, but what went on between them was a ONS (except it was apparently a kiss, not sex, but my point is that it was a one time thing). It was clear from the messages that whatever happened, it was the first time it'd happened. I don't doubt that if I hadn't caught DH when I did, they probably would've met up again a few times.

But basically, this wasn't some long, drawn out physical affair. That much I am certain. But I'm just not sure that I can believe it was only a kiss. It seems so juvenile and I cannot, no matter how hard I try, shake this feeling that there's more to his story.

If it turns out that more happened, I likely will leave, yes. I've given him so many opportunities to be honest and real with me, so if he's kept up and continuous lie for this long, I'll see red.

I would confront her.

In fact, I’d invent a bit of a back story, and tell her she’s one of many he’s been cheating with.

If she’s still talking to him, she’ll be gutted. If she isn’t, she won’t care. Either way, I think you’re more likely to get her on side that way (and it will make her feel less like the guilty party so hopefully more likely to be honest?)

Good luck!

Also, I know this will probably come across as naive to some of you, but I'm completely certain that nothing further happened after that night.
It was a works out night with a company he used to work for, but remained friends with the colleagues.

After that incident, he's literally not gone out. The only time he goes out now is with me. He goes to work Monday to Friday and that's it. So I do believe it was an isolated incident, my fear isn't coming from thinking it's continuing because I know that it isn't. My fear is that I never got the full version of events that unfolded that particular night.

I wouldn’t humiliate myself. My ex flat mate shagged older married men at her workplace for sport. She thought it was funny when a wife rang up.

You have every right to be angry with the other woman but the issue is with your partner who made the commitment to you. Always baffles me when women are more mad at the other woman then their spouses. They didn't force him to take his pants off or kiss them etc.

I just think you'll feel worse OP you either can get over this or you can't. What she says to you will make no difference.

I wouldn’t (name changed to post on this thread), if the DW of the man that I had an affair with came to talk to me I’d walk away. He said some dreadful things about is wife, telling her what he actually said and did would be cruel frankly, and if I did tell her she probably wouldn’t believe me anyway. I’m under no illusions that he was probably equally awful about me when he was persuading her to take him back.

Non the less, you either trust him or you don’t, speaking to the OW won’t help. How can you trust what she has to say either?

I think I would. Because as things stand now, you're not happy and you're always wondering. You'll just always be thinking about it if not. At least if you speak to her, even if she wont engage, you'll know that you have all the information you're ever going to get and can take it from there.

I think I'd say something about her sleeping with him and if she says 'sorry' you'll know it's true, if she says 'eh? It was just a kiss' then you'll have more confidence it really was

Agree with @sexandthecityagain. Why does the OW always get the vitriol. You are married to your DH. He was the dick. She didn’t have any commitment to you. Let her be. Ask your DH. If you don’t trust him then kick him out.

FWIW, I'm not more mad at her than I am him. I've spent the best part of the last 18 months fuming at him, trying my utmost best to move on from it but struggling because of all this uncertainty.

I don't plan on rocking up to see her all guns blazing. I don't want a screaming match. I have no plans to tell her how I actually feel about her. I want the conversation to remain as calm as humanly possible. I don't even want an apology from her. I just want information.

Good point Stats! Calling her bluff could be a good approach

@FreudianShit do you really want to live like that. Where your DH doesn’t go out without you anymore? That’s not normal you know. It’s a horrible situation I know (because I have been there) but I am happier now without him. It’s disrespect.

I would want to know too!

It's not something I've enforced, by the way. It's his choice to stay in. He rarely went out Pre-cheating incident so it's not like he's drastically changed his life because of what happened.
I can't force him to go out, and I can't force him to stay in. That's all on him, at the end of the day.

It's definitely a real shit situation to be in, and frankly if DH wasn't prone to telling white lies in other areas of our life, I'd be more inclined to believe his story. But I've seen first hand since he cheated how easily he can lie to my face, so that's really not helped me get on board with what apparently happened.

I messaged the OW. It helped clear a lot of things up for me.
I actually found myself feeling sorry for OW, I didn't blame her. He had told her loads lies including that I was a psycho, she ended up telling me that she was sorry and that actually I was a nice person and she felt horrible. It made me realise how manipulative he was (I was doing the pick me dance before this point) and I was able to move on. I went in calm though, no angry shouting or accusations.

I later found out he had been cheating the whole relationship, with various different women. So my situation is somewhat different.

I did, to her house where she lived with partner.

Glad I did at the time as I wanted to upset her home life like she’d wrecked mine by getting involved with someone she knew was in a long term relationship

3 years on, he’s still with me.
The things I know about where they went, where she works, when they saw each other etc etc
Haunts Me wish I’d never known
That old saying
What you don’t know won’t hurt you
Is Very very true.

Do it. You need to regardless of how she or he feels. Go in full of confidence and see if anyone alce know also. As I bet someone also know about it. He has treated you so bad it probably doesn't matter if you split from this anyway. You can obviously do better then a cheat and a lier. Don't think much of it as you will put yourself of from doing it. Sorry you are going through this op good luck. 🌹🌷

I rang the OW in my situation and in all honesty, it didn't help! She was a condescending little madam. However, every situation is different. Some OWs don't know they are an OW to start with and some (as in mine) do know what the hell they are doing. At the end of the day, though, it is your DH who needs to be honest and clear with what went on.

This sounds like an unhealthy relationship regardless. I can't see a way of fixing it.

Also if you can get in touch with her then how can you possibly believe he has no way of doing so. He could Facebook her and then delete the messages, as I'm presuming you still check his messages which must be exhausting. He could google her. He knows where she works. He can look on linked in / Instagram as you said she has he latter. Etc etc.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Really?

You say you aren't sure you'd trust her version of events. Of course you shouldn't. So what closure will this bring?

I know you'll probably say you love him. Love isn't enough, the relationship has broken.