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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Help me end my relationship

140 replies

shemakesmewaitonabedofnails · 17/12/2019 20:37

DP and I have been seeing each other for ~18 months. I'm recently divorced, and have a DS who is 4.

DP and I live miles apart (~4 hour car journey). He comes to see me once a fortnight or so (DS lives with me so easier for DP to make the journey).

I need to end it. He is talking about moving in, having a family together (he loves DS and is great with him), wants to help. Says and does all the right things, but I just can't do it.

I work ~45hrs a week + 2 hrs daily commute (I work 4 days a week). I am a single mum and having a DP is just impacting the rest of my life so much I just can't handle it. I stay up every night until midnight and get up at 6am every day to work/do life admin so I can see him at the weekends. I'm at breaking point. So I need to end it. He is very persuasive and emotional (he cried in the middle of a park when I said I didn't want to have sex with him the night before, he woke me up once when I slept in the spare room with DS because DS was crying and I couldn't settle him, saying "don't you want me here, shall I just go home") - I need to find some words to say so he'll get the message and not railroad me. What do I say please? And face to face? If so, when? We are spending between Christmas and new year together but I was going to wait til after the New Year.

Help please!!!!

OP posts:

Report

shemakesmewaitonabedofnails · 28/12/2019 23:07

@Isthisit22 you are 100% correct. But I'm just finding it really hard to say "I'm sorry. I don't want to be with you" when the guy will cry/ try to persuade me otherwise. I wish I had your balls!!

OP posts:

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 23:16

Broken record technique:

You: This relationship isn't working for me, I need to end our relationship. I wish you well.
Him: What? what do you mean? we get on so well- i can't believe this!
You: Its not working for me. I am not happy in this relationship. It has to end.
Him: I can't believe you are saying this, how can you do this to me after all we've shared?
You: This relationship isn't working for me, I'm not happy. I have to end it.
Him: Please give us a chance, you dont really mean this surely?
You: This relationship isn't working for me, I have to end it.
Him: What can I do to change your mind- I'll make more of an effort, I promise!
You: I'm not happy in this relationship, it isn't going to work. Its over.

If you start saying sorry, or justifying your decision, or explaining why or anything other than an assertive statement of what you intend to do, he will use that as a bargaining chip to drag you into a debate about why you shouldn't end it. Dont participate in any of that and dont give reasons because every reason you give will invite him to solve the problem so the reason no longer exists. Saying "im not happy" is a good reason because he can't do anything about that. If you say its due to working/travelling too much he'll suggest moving in together, if you say you dont have enough time to catch up on chores, he'll offer to help you do it etc etc If you give him the same reason over an over it prevents discussion, which is what you want.

YellowJellyfish · 29/12/2019 00:32

Well done!!! Now dump him by text on Monday!!

I knew you could do it!!

Just think of your son.

Be safe sweetheart.

user764329056 · 29/12/2019 00:44

Cried because you didn’t want sex? That’s beyond weird

Isthisit22 · 29/12/2019 08:22

I feel a bit sick thinking you'd have sex with him etc just because you're too nice to finish it.
Please stop. When he gets home- text him it's over.
What I'm trying to get through to you is that you do not have to find the courage to say 'sorry its over'. Just text him it then block.
Thrn you don't need to listen to him cry either. You owe him nothing.

YellowJellyfish · 30/12/2019 17:55

Ok @shemakesmewaitonabedofnails Update!! Please tell us you've done it!! :)

shemakesmewaitonabedofnails · 30/12/2019 19:28

@YellowJellyfish you are exceptionally lovely!!!

So. He left about 6:30pm. And I'm thinking too late to ring tonight and do it?

Tomorrow? But I have DS tomorrow and the first so 2nd? Or an evening?

OP posts:

00Sassy · 30/12/2019 19:46

So he’ll be home for 10:30 or thereabouts? I think that’s an okay time to call and tell him.
Good luck!

YellowJellyfish · 30/12/2019 20:36

Just text him now!!'

You don't need the drama of a phone call!!!

You can do this!! You don't want another weekend hiding away in your own home!!

JustASmallTownCurl · 30/12/2019 20:42

I say this with love OP but you're massively putting this off because it's going to be difficult!

You've decided now and it's going to be such a relief when it's done. Start the new year fresh!

It's not very late, you can absolutely ring him now. Hope you're ok

Isthisit22 · 30/12/2019 20:45

Don't ring. Just text. He is going to be very unreasonable about it either way do you may as well save yourself the difficult phone call.
JUST TEXT!!

JustASmallTownCurl · 30/12/2019 20:46

I second a text too - I said call in my previous post but a text sounds like it will reduce the stress of you dealing with melodrama and histrionics on his side as you'll have time to think instead of him machine gunning you with guilt and promises!

Inver38 · 30/12/2019 20:51

Text, when you are sure he’s home, if you want to then you could give detailed reasoning if you don’t, don’t!
I wouldn’t leave it until the 2nd just rip the plaster off!
If he was to phone after I’d answer but again be clear. Maybe write everything down so You don’t get guilt tripped!
I think pp is right, start the new year fresh!

SpudsAreLife84 · 30/12/2019 21:02

Just get it over with, then you feel soooo much better and can enjoy new year with your DC

Bitofnamechanging · 30/12/2019 21:05

I also think text. It's harder to bottle a text

TimeforanotherChange · 30/12/2019 21:17

Another one saying text! Be clear and be concise - and then consider blocking him so he can't bombard you with weepy texts and calls.

Hi X. I've had a very clear think, and as I said, have decided that this relationship does not work for me in my current circumstances. Best wishes for the future. Y

shemakesmewaitonabedofnails · 31/12/2019 17:36

Ok, so you were right. I was putting it off and should have done it last night but I bottled it.

BUT. I just did it. 👍

THANK YOU ALL.

Without you I absolutely wouldn't have done it.

OP posts:

JustASmallTownCurl · 31/12/2019 18:02

YES!!!

Right, you're officially starting 2020 prioritising your needs and setting boundaries.

This will be your year.

Proud of you!

shemakesmewaitonabedofnails · 31/12/2019 18:11

Thank you @JustASmallTownCurl

And I love your name!

@YellowJellyfish you've been ace too thank you!!

OP posts:

IM0GEN · 31/12/2019 18:28

Well done.

What’s your plan for coping with the phone calls / texts from him ?

Is there any chance he will turn up on your door step tomorrow ? If so, what will you do?

Does he have the phone number of any of your friends / family? he’s the type who will phone them to say he’s worried about you if you block him / don’t answer .

NettleTea · 31/12/2019 18:41

Thank goodness

madcatladyforever · 31/12/2019 18:46

You don't need him crying and wailing at your house and not wanting to leave. Email or text him when he is at his place and tell him exactly what you told us. Make it plain to him you can't deal with a needy and demanding man right now. You have to spell it out or he won't leave you alone.

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madcatladyforever · 31/12/2019 18:47

Ah just read the update, well done. What did he say?

shemakesmewaitonabedofnails · 31/12/2019 18:56

Thank you!! I had a plan. I did it by text and he asked to call. I said now and I had half an hour before DS tea time. Thought that would give me a way out.

Didn't work. So I have to call him when DS is asleep. BUT I'm adamant he won't take up all my NYE so I will find a way of keeping it short. Maybe poke DS and wake him up 😉

OP posts:

SophieSong · 31/12/2019 18:56

Phew! Well done! Now please stick to it..only a few hours until a new decade..don’t start it with this emotionally manipulative man draining you.

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