Help me end my relationship

[shemakesmewaitonabedofnails]

DP and I have been seeing each other for ~18 months. I'm recently divorced, and have a DS who is 4.

DP and I live miles apart (~4 hour car journey). He comes to see me once a fortnight or so (DS lives with me so easier for DP to make the journey).

I need to end it. He is talking about moving in, having a family together (he loves DS and is great with him), wants to help. Says and does all the right things, but I just can't do it.

I work ~45hrs a week + 2 hrs daily commute (I work 4 days a week). I am a single mum and having a DP is just impacting the rest of my life so much I just can't handle it. I stay up every night until midnight and get up at 6am every day to work/do life admin so I can see him at the weekends. I'm at breaking point. So I need to end it. He is very persuasive and emotional (he cried in the middle of a park when I said I didn't want to have sex with him the night before, he woke me up once when I slept in the spare room with DS because DS was crying and I couldn't settle him, saying "don't you want me here, shall I just go home") - I need to find some words to say so he'll get the message and not railroad me. What do I say please? And face to face? If so, when? We are spending between Christmas and new year together but I was going to wait til after the New Year.

Help please!!!!

[flipperdoda]

Have you talked to him about the pressure you're feeling to e.g. get jobs done before the weekend with him?

[flipperdoda]

I'm saying phone because it sounds like he does the travelling and tbh even though phone is a bit shit, getting him to do an 8hour round trip just to break up with him is worse (in my book)!

[feistymumma]

End it OP today. I did the same with my ex, called him and said that the relationship wasn't going anywhere, I couldn't see an end product to it so it is was the end. Didn't engage in any other conversation apart from relaying that information and that was the end. I was worrying myself sick about how he would take it and a dear friend reassured me that he wasn't a baby and how he would take it was not my concern. Please don't delay it and have him round for Chrisrmas it will be awful for you and your DS. Good luck

[feistymumma]

The red flags are there, crying because he couldnt have sex? That alone would be enough for me to get rid.

[shemakesmewaitonabedofnails]

Yes, defo talked about the pressure. He used to come every weekend and now it's alternate weekends. Tbh that's what made up my mind. It's still not enough, so he has to go. I dread him coming down, I don't want to hug him, touch him. Seeing it in black and white is so obvious isn't it?
I'm worried he's going to make it a long drawn out conversation and cry and keep messaging /emailing.

I have to do it soon. Thank you all so so much. 👍🤗

[shemakesmewaitonabedofnails]

I know. It's mental. I didn't want to have sex and so he cried. I have lots of examples like that. He doesn't understand that this makes me feel pressured into doing something.

He cried because I went around to (a male) colleague's house. Guy had been off sick with depression and I live near him. Went to pop in for a cuppa and DP cried. Why couldn't he have appreciated it? Said I was doing something nice?

[shemakesmewaitonabedofnails]

And yes, I did mean (sorry for lack of clarity) I wanted DP to be proud of me, not exDH.

[feistymumma]

He has to go OP like now. Don't get drawn into a conversation. Just state it's not working and it's over. that is the explanation and say goodbye. If he starts the manipulating then block him.

[BalsamicVin]

I think you're making a mistake and dragging it out when nobody needs that if you don't end it sooner rather than later

Why would you want to be around someone who you can't bear to be around?!? If he does mither you with emails, messages, calls it's easily sorted - BLOCK

[knewyouwerewaiting]

If you dread him coming down you have to end it now. It’s not actually fair on him.

[mummmy2017]

Just tell him .
We need to talk, is a good text to send as it warns him .
Then just tell him that you want to break up.
That you want to do it now, so both of you can move into 2020 with a chance to clear the old life out.
Then you just keep staying no.

[HouseworkAvoider10]

Cocklodger.
End it today.
Then you can enjoy Xmas.
Block him when he badgers you.

[flipperdoda]

You sound a bit like me. One of the best realisations was when I figured out that somebody cannot actually draw out a conversation with you without you allowing it. I'm a bit of a people pleaser and hate being rude so I'd always feel like I had to wait until the other person was done with the conversation - you don't! At all! Particularly when the conversation isn't helping either of you.

Some useful lines:
"I'm sorry I've made my decision"
"I'm not going to change my mind"
"It's just not working for me right now"

The best one (I also used it in the breakup I mentioned earlier) for just getting out of there:
"I don't think I'm the best person to help you right now, I'm going to leave so you can call a friend" (to be used once you've had the conversation, entertained any questioning you're willing to about why, and they've started to go in a loop with questions/get upset/bemoan the breakup etc).

Why is it the best? Because it's true. The breakup has been decided, the relationship is over. You are not the person they should be speaking to about being upset - it won't help either of you. They should call a friend.

[AudacityOfHope]

The drama would absolutely not go away if you moved in together!

He's shown you who he is, and moving in would only validate for him that he can behave in these ways and you'll accept him.

[Wrybread]

I'd phone him today.

I know you've been dreading having that conversation, but the dread gets worse the longer you wait.

It might also be worth having an email ready to send him if he refuses to listen.

If you phone him today, then he still has time to make other plans. And don't worry that you've ruined his Christmas....he did that when he pressured you into sex!

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I also think phone is best.

I broke up with partner of 8 YEARS by text.

It's the only way if you think they will talk and talk and talk and talk and try to browbeat you into taking them back.

[CanIHaveADrink]

If he is messaging or emailing, you can still block him once youve made your feelings clear.

[Greenglassteacup]

Oh God he sounds awful OP, end it now, don’t spend Christmas with him

[CodenameVillanelle]

Absolutely do it now over the phone before he comes down. I assume you've got your child over Christmas too? It might be a bit lonely just you and DS but so much better than forcing yourself through a Christmas with a man who makes your skin crawl just to end it right after. That is far crueller to him than doing it now.
He's not the man for you, he's not the father of your potential further babies. Rip off the plaster.

[Danni12]

Phone him today. He's not a keeper and there's no need to wait until after New Year's.

[ravenmum]

Do you see that him crying to coerce you into having sex, him crying to stop you from innocently meeting friends, him sulking to stop you innocently having a normal friendly relationship with your ex, are all red flags the size of Wales and paint a picture of your imagined future with him as lonely, isolated and coerced into sex?

He's not 18 any more and shouldn't be doing this.

[ohwheniknow]

He doesn't understand that this makes me feel pressured into doing something.

Of course he does, but if he admitted why he's doing it you would have gotten rid of him already!

The more you describe the more controlling he sounds. Maybe you should think about doing the Freedom Programme course.

If you were in a relationship with someone who wasn't controlling I suspect you wouldn't feel so hemmed in and exhausted.

[ravenmum]

He sounds massively controlling. Making you choose between your son and him? Sends shivers down my spine, the more you say.

[GiveHerHellFromUs]

Given the fact he's tried to emotionally blackmail you numerous times would suggest a phone call is definitely best. You don't know how he'd react in person and you don't need the drama.

[richteasandcheese]

Emotionally abusive, pathetic twatbadger. Don't waste another day giving him headspace - dump, dump, dump.