Help me end my relationship

[shemakesmewaitonabedofnails]

DP and I have been seeing each other for ~18 months. I'm recently divorced, and have a DS who is 4.

DP and I live miles apart (~4 hour car journey). He comes to see me once a fortnight or so (DS lives with me so easier for DP to make the journey).

I need to end it. He is talking about moving in, having a family together (he loves DS and is great with him), wants to help. Says and does all the right things, but I just can't do it.

I work ~45hrs a week + 2 hrs daily commute (I work 4 days a week). I am a single mum and having a DP is just impacting the rest of my life so much I just can't handle it. I stay up every night until midnight and get up at 6am every day to work/do life admin so I can see him at the weekends. I'm at breaking point. So I need to end it. He is very persuasive and emotional (he cried in the middle of a park when I said I didn't want to have sex with him the night before, he woke me up once when I slept in the spare room with DS because DS was crying and I couldn't settle him, saying "don't you want me here, shall I just go home") - I need to find some words to say so he'll get the message and not railroad me. What do I say please? And face to face? If so, when? We are spending between Christmas and new year together but I was going to wait til after the New Year.

Help please!!!!

[shemakesmewaitonabedofnails]

@IM0GEN I don't think he'd turn up. It's too far. I hope. Maybe call my mum but that's about it.

He was funny with the key yesterday. Every time we needed to go outside he took my spare one and "forgot" to put it back. But I have it. Lucky!

[thickwoollytights]

So I have to call him when DS is asleep.

Well .... you don't have to do anything. The relationship is over - you just please yourself now

[Lunde]

So many red flags. The weird crying to guilt you. The fact that he doesn't like you having an amicable relationship with your ds's dad or dropping in for a cup of tea with a sick colleague make him sound controlling. You have had a very lucky escape.

I would not speak to him at all - why give him an opportunity to manipulate you? Why do his wants get prioritised?

Just text and say you have made your decision, don't want to talk about this further and block further calls.

[Thatnameistaken]

Don't call him, just text, "it's over" then block him, there's nothing to talk about, you've made your decision, that's it! Don't let him drain any more of the energy that you should be putting into your son!

[LizB62A]

Well done, I was in a similar situation a few years ago and thought "If he just gets up from the table and sits down in front of the TV again without bothering to put his plate in the dishwasher, I think I'm going to lose it...."

I didn't lose it, I just found myself saying "This isn't working for me any more, you need to leave".

The relief was immense, I hadn't realised how much I wasn't looking forward to seeing him. I'm sure you're feeling the same way.

You don't owe him anything, you don't need to discuss it with him if you don't want to and you don't want to do anything which will give him any hope of rekindling this.

I decided to cut all contact after he'd picked his stuff up the next day (I'd been seeing him for 7 years) and that was the best thing for me.

Well done and Happy New Year !!

[HairyString]

Ooooh the key thing is worrying. Take extreme care of yourself OP.

[ohwheniknow]

Why would you call him?

[shemakesmewaitonabedofnails]

Thank you for the support. I'm physically fine. I'm martial arts trained and he knows it 😂
But it is worrying isn't it? Weird.
We talked about building a life together, a family. I think he deserves more than a text. So a call is fine I think. But that's it.

[shemakesmewaitonabedofnails]

@LizB62A spot on. I feel the same!! So proud of you for doing that. 👍

[NettleTea]

I wouldnt call. You know he is going to try to bamboozle you into giving it another go and, given that you allowed him to come and stay with you over Christmas instead of dumping him, seems risky on your part.

Id text him back and say that you dont want to be drawn into any kind of analysis or discussion, that its not working for you and you think its best if you leave it there

[RandomMess]

Well if the phone conversation is going nowhere you can always resort to "F*ck off I never want to hear from you again" hang up and block

[ohwheniknow]

I need to find some words to say so he'll get the message and not railroad me

There's nothing to discuss. Your decision has been made, has been communicated, and is not up for debate. It's just an opportunity for him to railroad you.

Saying no would be good practise for you in protecting your own boundaries.

[LizB62A]

@shemakesmewaitonabedofnails

Your situation does sound really similar !

I'm a single mum too although my son is older than yours - he was 18 when I ended things with my exBF. I can't call him a partner as it never felt like he really committed and it really rang true when one of his friends mentioned how he (my then-BF) was in his "single man mode" one evening and I realised he was - when he wasn't with me, it was like I didn't exist.

It turned out he was jealous of the time I spent with my son - I'd made it clear from the very beginning that my son was (and is) my priority and one of the last things my ex said as I turfed him out was "well, your son will get all your time now then won't he", as if he was jealous of my boy....

I'm fine, you'll be fine - we women are generally stronger than we think

[shemakesmewaitonabedofnails]

I've had the conversation. It is done.

I feel awful.

But it's done.

And I thank you lovely MN Army. Thank you all so much.

[ohwheniknow]

Well done. Take care of yourself.

[rosajosephine]

Well done 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
He sounds very manipulative. Be prepared for phone calls and texts full of manipulation and guilt tripping . The best thing to do now is block.

[LizB62A]

Well done - now block him to save dealing with the phone calls/texts...

[user1498854363]

Well done OP, you should be so proud of yourself! 💐💐💐👍👍😁😁

[shemakesmewaitonabedofnails]

@LizB62A gosh yes. So similar. How cruel! Well done you. Yes - inner strength. No one died. We'll be fine.
Happy new year 🥳

[thickwoollytights]

Well done @shemakesmewaitonabedofnails

Now stick to it

[YellowJellyfish]

Omg well done you!! I wasn't sure if you were going to bottle or not!

So that's fantastic news!!

Without being melodramatic, I think you've just saved yourself a decade of pain!!! Us oldies could see where that relationship was heading!! And it wasn't into the sunset!!

I'm so proud of you, I could hug you!!

Mnet can still be amazing sometimes!!

[shemakesmewaitonabedofnails]

@YellowJellyfish isn't it just fab!!

Thank you so much. I feel so relieved.

So glad you're in a happy place too. Massive hugs (even though they're defo not allowed here!!).

[shemakesmewaitonabedofnails]

Ok. I'm bringing this up again because it turns out I haven't actually ended it. Despite saying the words "it's over".

So wise and wonderful MNetters, how on earth do I actually say "I'm done".

He texts every morning and every evening. Have a good day. Night. Love u. I reply (generally a few hours later) with "thanks".

Still not got it. Wants to call me tonight. I've said no.

I don't want to just block cos there are so many other ways of being in touch - that I need him to know and get it. And also be kind.

Help!!!

[FlowerArranger]

Tell him if he continues to harass you, you will take out a restraining order.

Then block him.

[AllThatGlistensIs]

I think you need to realise that your being kind is giving him hope, and enabling him to continue on in his denial.

Tell him, once, clearly, in no uncertain terms that it is over and he is not to contact you again.

Then ignore. It really isn’t difficult 🤷🏻‍♀️