Help me end my relationship

[shemakesmewaitonabedofnails]

DP and I have been seeing each other for ~18 months. I'm recently divorced, and have a DS who is 4.

DP and I live miles apart (~4 hour car journey). He comes to see me once a fortnight or so (DS lives with me so easier for DP to make the journey).

I need to end it. He is talking about moving in, having a family together (he loves DS and is great with him), wants to help. Says and does all the right things, but I just can't do it.

I work ~45hrs a week + 2 hrs daily commute (I work 4 days a week). I am a single mum and having a DP is just impacting the rest of my life so much I just can't handle it. I stay up every night until midnight and get up at 6am every day to work/do life admin so I can see him at the weekends. I'm at breaking point. So I need to end it. He is very persuasive and emotional (he cried in the middle of a park when I said I didn't want to have sex with him the night before, he woke me up once when I slept in the spare room with DS because DS was crying and I couldn't settle him, saying "don't you want me here, shall I just go home") - I need to find some words to say so he'll get the message and not railroad me. What do I say please? And face to face? If so, when? We are spending between Christmas and new year together but I was going to wait til after the New Year.

Help please!!!!

Kick his dismal controlling weepy arse to the kerb. Do it by phone, or he might drown you with his sad sad tears. Red Flag Fucker alert OP don't be fooled - he is a covert narc.

Ugh. Do it by text, be mentally prepared for tears, turning up at the door, suicide threats, anger, the lot.

Is there somewhere else you could be for Christmas at all? Family, perhaps?

If somebody makes you feel like you're kicking a puppy for doing things like having agency over your own body, parenting your child or being a normal, decent human being, they're abusing you.

He's abusing you.

Get shot now and enjoy being able to breathe freely for the first time in ages.

Good lord he sounds utterly manipulative and absolutely DRAINING.

You are doing the right thing.

God he sounds like a child. You've got one 4 year old, you don't need a man child to look after.

I'd do it over the phone too. He'll drive you mad if you do it face to face.

He sounds needy and jealous, neither of which are good qualities in a partner.

I'd phone him today and break up with him while he's still got a week to make alternative plans for Xmas.

Definitely don’t wait until Christmas because as others have said, he’ll probably accuse you of wanting a present before breaking up with him. There’s some very worrying behaviour there OP:

• Crying when he doesn’t get his way
• Warped view of your relationship with ex
• Possessive/controlling

None of that is good.

Ring him otherwise he’ll try to persuade you not to do it. Good luck OP xx

While its taken you time to mentally process his manipulative ways, your body is physically telling you that this is wrong. You can't bear to hug or touch him and dread him coming to see you.

I had a long distance similar relationship that lasted around 18 months too. It wasn't until a few weeks after ending it with no contact did the realisation kick in that he had been emotionally abusive towards me. It tormented me for a while and I was angry with myself for tolerating it. I delayed ending it as I was too soft, not wanting to hurt him (bloody people pleaser)

Email or text him it's over. He's they type to pull at your heartstrings and try to convince you you're wrong. Hugs x

He doesn't sound like someone to have a future with never mind that you don't have time for him. The emotional manipulative tears so that you will feel bad for not doing what he wants would be enough to make me want to end it.

I would tell him now, before Christmas. I think it would be worse to hear it in a few weeks and know that someone had been pretending they wanted to be with you when they didn't.

God wow. This has been eye opening. Wow thank you. I've had a tough few years and I'm not great at opening up to friends. Thank you for your responses. I will do it. I hadn't realised the red flags until writing it in black and white. Thank you

And don't feel guilty. Waking an exhausted mum up who is trying to get her little kid to settle? Jeez THAT WAS SO SELFISH.

SO many women are so bent on having another baby and 'family life' they entertain twats and procreate with them so please congratulate yourself that you are putting yourself and your son first. This man has more red flags than a Labour convention. He is not 'DP' or a 'partner' but a controlling, whingy, immature, nagging boyfriend.

You don't owe him apologies, justifications, or even a conversation.

You can end this by email or text then block him and do not engage with him at all. Not at all.

Because you need to do The Freedom Programme and work on your self-esteem before even thinking of dating because you are a target for manipulative men at present. Learning to recognise that you DUMP at the first red flag and don't give second chances is the key to a healthy relationship.

Just popping on to say I've met similar men. I've a young daughter and actually decided that after meeting so many of this type, I'm going to concentrate on myself and her. I made this decision about 6 months ago. And my god, it's been bliss. Not second guessing, compromising, having to make time, feeling stressed, wondering about gaslighting, ulterior motivations, selfishness etc etc has led to me feeling much more relaxed and happy.
I've felt the only thing I've missed was sex. But actually, I was too busy keeping him happy on that score too. So in fact I don't even miss that. I can sort it myself very easily Affection I get in spades from DD and family / friends.
Honestly, being single is amazing!

ChristmassySpice lol, good sex can be very powerful in bonding and make you stay longer than you know you should. Eventually though their fucked up ways even turn you off that. Fab that you and your little girl can be free to laugh and live x

I'd also say that him 'bonding' and being 'incredibly good' with your DS might also be a red flag. He can barely know your child. It's easy to be 'excellent' with a child you don't have to get up with six times in one night or deal with the tantrum of.

I suspect that this 'wonderfulness' would have faded VERY quickly if you'd moved in with him.

Did you dump him @shemakesmewaitonabedofnails?

@YellowJellyfish no and he's here now 😣
I was only thinking about this thread in bed last night. Feeling guilty about all this good advice and not having had the balls to see it through.
Ok I have a few options. Tomorrow or one evening when it's just the two of us (DS asleep or with his dad).
He's going home on Monday so I could do just before he goes home. However. We have visitors on Monday and I have plans Monday eve. The last thing I want is for him to stay to talk and ruin my plans!!!
Or on the phone once he's gone. Say I've been thinking now I've had time to myself.
Or let him come down another weekend and do it.
God I'm so pathetic. You'd never believe what I'm like at work!! Proper career woman but I can't bear to say "you're dumped". Jeez. Any suggestions!!? Please!!

And @YellowJellyfish thank you for remembering 😊
And he's been painful over Christmas. He worked on Christmas Day (he has a normal office job so it's a bank holiday). He was "bored".

Oh sweetheart you're not pathetic.

Wait until he goes then dump him by text.

Read this thread all the way through! How he makes you feel.

Just dump him.

Easy to say I know but better than the alternative, being stuck with him!'

You aren't pathetic but you do need to rip the band aid off now!

I vote over the phone. He's going to be a fucking nightmare if you do it in person, crying and histrionics galore. Be warned he will threaten suicide etc. His life is not your responsibility. However your son's is and he deserves to have a mum who is happy and secure.

If he is too much on the phone doing the above routine then you can hang up and send a message saying your decision is made now, it's final and it's only fair on you both to have a clean break.

And tell him you're going to have a couple of days away with DS because you want alone time now it's done.

Doesn't matter if you actually go away or not, it might stop him coming over. And doing the whole "I can't let you go without seeing you etc etc".

Do. Not. Engage.

And if you feel guilty (you shouldn't) remember the longer you keep talking to him the more hope you give him he can manipulate his way back. End it for good.

Does he have keys to your place and does he have find my friends with your phone? Have a think about that as he seems the type to do what he thinks are grand romantic gestures but are actually creepy AF.

The Mumsnet army is here to help you, so do reach out when you need to

Thank you!!
He doesn't have a key (asked a few times and I said no) but he does have stuff at my house. Nothing I couldn't really post tho tbh. Just a few bits of clothes.
So wait til he goes home and do it then? On the phone? Yikes.
I'm in DS' room now. Waiting for him to fall asleep. He's actually been asleep a while but I'm dreading going downstairs.
I know, I know. I can see it now I write it. 😣

So many people on here care! You can do this! Do it for your son!

Has anyone mentioned the Freedom Programme, I think you may be an ideal candidate :)

I want to march round there and chuck him out for you!! You have the back of (as @JustASmallTownCurl said) the MN army!!

YOU CAN DO THIS

Just do it
RIP the band aid off
Deep breath , be brave and do it

Do it by text after he leaves.

Good luck!

Wow. I'm so amazed with the support. Thank you all.
So I've started it. I know. Don't judge pls. We had a bit of a chat and I said I need more time in my life and he's the one I think needs to go.
Planted a seed maybe. I think now we're on the homeward stretch - maybe when he goes I can say I've thought and I'm sorry but decision made. I had loads of tears from him and I felt so mean but tried to remember DS is number one and it's meaner to DP that we continue if I'm not interested.
Thank u all so much.

This is so weird. Why would you let him travel 4 hours to see you when you don't want him anywhere near you?
You don't need to spend hours discussing it with him. Just tell him to go or if you can't face that then just text him when he's gone then block him.
You're making it much more complex than it is.