At my wits end with DH, not sure what to do. So sad for my DC

[presstheshutter]

It's all because of DS.

DS is two and awaiting an assessment for autism. This will take time, but we should hear within the next few weeks. The support has been very good.

In a nutshell, DH told me last night that he's 'done' with DS. He said he's a nasty, horrible little boy. He's told me he can't keep doing this, he's ruined so many aspects of his life, and that he thinks 'it's a good idea for him to take a step back, for the best'

Amongst other things, I said how about how everything has impacted me? I never get to take a step back and I wouldn't, because he's our son and he comes first. He said "Why do you always make it about you?"

DS does a lot of 'different' things that other 2 year olds wouldn't do, I grant you, but my biggest miff is that actually, a lot of what he's doing that annoys DH IS normal.

For example, DS is completely non verbal. It needs investigation and that's fine. He will not socialise or interact with other people, also not very normal. Also does repetitive stuff, does not play or use imaginative play, just shacks items, also not entirely normal.

But, DH seems to start saying and moaning "This is not normal" when it is perfectly normal for 2, just annoying. For example, he woke up this morning and got the heaviest item he could find and started banging it on the dressing table. That's normal to me, although annoying.

DS will occasionally (otherwise eats everything in sight), refuse a dinner. DH will moan "There's something seriously wrong, he's not normal".

DS will try and climb on the toilet seat to see what's in the bathroom sink. DH will moan he's not normal.

Everything remotely frustrating seems to be met with 'he's got serious issues, he's not normal'.

Another example is DS has always slept through, never woken up. Last night he decided to wake at 12 at night, DH was going mad saying this isn't normal. When In fact it's normal, just annoying.

I'm so fed up of all this bollocks, from DH, not DS. The constant whinging that it's all too much, that it isn't fair, that he isn't normal.

Even if he isn't normal, or does have a diagnostic issue, so what?! He's our son. Deal with it like I have to. I can't just 'take a step back' and neither would I.

He also constantly compares DS to his brothers boys. Of whom he hardly knows, and I see regularly. I can guarantee you that both of them do things much worse than DS, just being 'kids', but no, DH swears blend that could never be.

We always see him off to work and hugs him a kiss. I made a point of going down myself to see him off. He did give me a kiss but refused DS Then said he had to go. Wouldn't even acknowledge him this morning.

What on Earth do we do?

I'm even more angry because he won't reach out and research things for himself, or bother to talk to anyone else. He seems to have his own 'it's not normal' alarm set by himself.

When I suggest he does some research, or speaks to someone, even his brother with the 'perfect' children, it's met with "I don't need to, I know".

I just hate it because if DS does too many aggravating things, DH will then 'take a step back' (without saying so) and choose to just not help with him when he's home. Meaning it's just left for me to sort out 100%. Because 'he can't deal with it right now'

Seriously?

Leave the prick.

Have my first ever LTB

Your husband is ‘not normal’.

What a fucking arsehole. You don’t need him and neither does your son.

Well your 'D'H needs to leave doesn't he? His behaviour is abhorrent and beyond anything that even resembles reasonable.

Do you have other DC?

Could dh be grieving for the child he imagined he would have? It's no excuse for his lack of empathy and support but it is real.
I have 2 autistic children and trust me it takes a while to embrace the child that you have rather than the expected child.
Even now I sometimes feel I'm done but it never lasts long.
It sounds like your dh needs help to accept and also education about the condition.
Ask your doctor or search local help groups.

Your husband is a vile human being. Sorry

Ditch the DH! He's horrible to someone who is two years old. That tells you all you need to know. Write it all down, so that you don't forget, and so that you have good reason to make your case for no unsupervised access. You wouldn't want to leave your baby with someone who was so cruel, would you?

Fuck. I'm so sorry OP. It's hard enough having a 2 year old, let alone a 2 year who probably has ASD. My DS1, now 6, has ASD although he's (very!) verbal so I can relate to those early years.

Honestly? This is horrible behaviour from your so called 'D'H. He's an adult. Your son is a toddler! And yes he sounds like some things are not so normal but loads of things are.

Personally I'd start looking at ways to leave, because this kind of treatment and constant whining/moaning will be absorbed by your DS.

I know that my own DH found those early years with our DS1 very tough (still does some days). He often used to say things like "I can't deal with this", "it's having a real effect on my life" etc. But crucially he always said it just to me, when DS could not hear. And he threw himself into making sure he was the best parent he could be for DS - in the same way as you are doing! That's the difference for me. It's ok to say it's hard or unfair or that life is different to how you expected being a parent would be. But it's not ok to take that out on a 2 year old toddler.

Agree with a PP. He is probably in a period of grieving along with not having come to terms with the rigours of parenthood itself. It sounds like he wouldn't be willing to get any help to get through it though. He absolutely needs to stop being so critical in front of your son. Just because he's non verbal doesn't mean he doesn't understand. If DS is autistic (as with any child), you need to work hard to protect his self esteem and your husbands language is damaging. So sorry you're going through this. My first is similar and the grief for how hard work she is is ongoing.

Many marriages collapse under the strain of caring for a child with special needs. Its usually mothers who are left to pick up the pieces and carry on. I used to work with profoundly autistic children and saw this a lot.

I know several women now in their middle age with children who have disabilities, but have maintained their marriages. The husband is largely disengaged and disinterested in their grown up child whilst mum is managing to split her time, love and loyalty in two very separate directions.

I don't really know what to advise. Your DHs reluctance to research and find out about how to help your son, coupled with his own very entrenched ideas points to two things. one he cannot accept he has a child with special needs, and two to accept this infers to him that he has in some way failed. It's often an ego thing with men, and I don't mean ego as in pride, I mean ego as in a much deeper sense of having failed, not being able to impart a greater part of themselves to their own son. so in a more freudian sense of ego.

My first ever LTB as well.

Do you know what’s ‘not normal’ his attitude towards his son.

I can understand that there might be a bit of grieving for whatever perception of a son he thought he’d have but there’s no excuse for taking it out on a child. Also he sounds like a whiny man-child not acknowledging that you are going through things too!

I agree with op, its your husband that isnt normal. Your poor son, this is going to be really damaging for him to be around this asshole.

I had a very impatient husband who found normal child annoyances intolerable (getting out glitter, writing on themselves, etc.) and sometimes he would snap and just leave the situation (and me to deal with it).
We've split now and he's actually a better parent as a result. Because he HAS to deal with it when they kids are with him.

You might find that your DH is the same. If you split up he wouldn't be able to leave it to you and would have to up his parenting (hopefully).
Right now you're dealing with a difficult two year old AND a difficult DH and that must be such a strain on you.

Wouldn't even acknowledge him this morning

What a spiteful thing to do to a child. HIS CHILD.

That, right there, is reason enough to ask him to leave.

For everyone saying he's 'grieving' - come off it. He's acting like a total prick. I'm sure most us are slightly different to how our parents expected us to be. That doesn't mean you get to 'step back' because you're too shallow to cope with it.

He does not deserve your son. Thank God your DS has you.

I don't have any other children, no.

We lost our daughter in October. It was a difficult time for me but he seemed absolutely fine and said he was 'moving on well' less than two weeks later. I know men can bottle it up but I do believe him. He cried a bit when she was born and that was it. He supported me and then was fine.

Maybe he is hurting and not saying but this 'it's not normal, he's got so many issues' stayed before she went

What a horrible arse of a man. What if you decided you yourself couldn’t deal with your DS? Who would care for him then? He needs to step up and be a father to his son, or bugger off. Your poor wee lad.

I think actually I know it's your husband is not normal. Your son and yourself deserve better. LTB

I am so sorry you lost your daughter 💐

My son is 4 and diagnosed as autistic. Your husband has a disgusting attitude, it's hard enough for you to keep positive I'm sure (as it has been for me) without him dragging you down!

Your DH isn't normal. Wtf does he think this is informing you he is 'taking a step back' from his child because the poor thing doesn't cut the mustard for him, those with additional needs or disabilities clearly are not proper persons to him and that, to me, would not be a man I would stay with. Bloody hell OP it sounds like you are the sole carer for your son anyway so what do you need your DP for.

I'd clarify with him that he wishes to abandon a child and family on the basis that he is not able to move past his disablist prejudices, tell him his language and use of the word normal is vile and let everyone else know why he left. What a useless man. Perhaps your DS will have a better opportunity to function away from him.

Op, you sound lovely.

Is your H usually lacking in empathy for other people or just your son?

If he doesn't accept your son, or agree to therapy to get acceptance then I think you have to ask him to leave. Ignoring your son is just awful and will lead him to have more issues

Leave your dh. Your son will definitely be picking up on his df's negativity and disdain for him. Not giving his son a kiss is awful- he is rejecting him as his son. Things will only get worse if your dh feels that way about your son now.

He did give me a kiss but refused DS

Christ that is heartbreaking OP, to refuse that little two year old boy a kiss goodbye from daddy, the one man who should be fighting his corner. I don't know where you go from that

Your DH is the one that’s not normal.
Choose your son.