At my wits end with DH, not sure what to do. So sad for my DC

[presstheshutter]

It's all because of DS.

DS is two and awaiting an assessment for autism. This will take time, but we should hear within the next few weeks. The support has been very good.

In a nutshell, DH told me last night that he's 'done' with DS. He said he's a nasty, horrible little boy. He's told me he can't keep doing this, he's ruined so many aspects of his life, and that he thinks 'it's a good idea for him to take a step back, for the best'

Amongst other things, I said how about how everything has impacted me? I never get to take a step back and I wouldn't, because he's our son and he comes first. He said "Why do you always make it about you?"

DS does a lot of 'different' things that other 2 year olds wouldn't do, I grant you, but my biggest miff is that actually, a lot of what he's doing that annoys DH IS normal.

For example, DS is completely non verbal. It needs investigation and that's fine. He will not socialise or interact with other people, also not very normal. Also does repetitive stuff, does not play or use imaginative play, just shacks items, also not entirely normal.

But, DH seems to start saying and moaning "This is not normal" when it is perfectly normal for 2, just annoying. For example, he woke up this morning and got the heaviest item he could find and started banging it on the dressing table. That's normal to me, although annoying.

DS will occasionally (otherwise eats everything in sight), refuse a dinner. DH will moan "There's something seriously wrong, he's not normal".

DS will try and climb on the toilet seat to see what's in the bathroom sink. DH will moan he's not normal.

Everything remotely frustrating seems to be met with 'he's got serious issues, he's not normal'.

Another example is DS has always slept through, never woken up. Last night he decided to wake at 12 at night, DH was going mad saying this isn't normal. When In fact it's normal, just annoying.

I'm so fed up of all this bollocks, from DH, not DS. The constant whinging that it's all too much, that it isn't fair, that he isn't normal.

Even if he isn't normal, or does have a diagnostic issue, so what?! He's our son. Deal with it like I have to. I can't just 'take a step back' and neither would I.

He also constantly compares DS to his brothers boys. Of whom he hardly knows, and I see regularly. I can guarantee you that both of them do things much worse than DS, just being 'kids', but no, DH swears blend that could never be.

We always see him off to work and hugs him a kiss. I made a point of going down myself to see him off. He did give me a kiss but refused DS Then said he had to go. Wouldn't even acknowledge him this morning.

What on Earth do we do?

I'm even more angry because he won't reach out and research things for himself, or bother to talk to anyone else. He seems to have his own 'it's not normal' alarm set by himself.

If I did leave then DH would want to have him a lot. We had this conversation a little while ago when we fell out over something trivial.

He won't want him at all.

If you'd said it was a calm conversation with no backstory of falling out that might be different (though given his attitude to his son I doubt it really) - but the fact that this was said in the context of an argument says it all. It's absolutely classic, it's just another part of the 'Well if we split don't think YOU'LL get MY xxxx' It's about possession and control and throwing something at you in that argument to try and 'top' you or upset you.

The reality is that the partners who should loudest for 50/50 at the same time as feeling it's their automatic right to 'take a step back' exactly when they feel like it with not even the vaguest sense of having actual responsibility for the wellbeing of this tiny person... they are most definitely NOT the ones who put themselves out, rearrange their work schedules, give up their evenings and weekends to parent solo. They don't.

So please don't stay with this absolute twat just because your fear him wanting to get your son away from you - sadly the reality is that you'll probably end up fighting to get him to even keep in contact :(

It's him who has a problem I'd say.
I have looked after a few autistic children, they are loving, kind and wonderful to be around. If your husband can't see that it's his problem.
Yes they can do things differently and me socially uncomfortable. But that's how they are and you get used to their ways.
Hopefully your husband is just finding it difficult to except. Once your son has support from outside agencies and you get support as a family. Your husband may come around. Lots of love. X

If I did leave then DH would want to have him a lot

But if he's said he's 'done' with him, why would he want him 'a lot'?

Maybe your husband needs counselling.
Losing and child and now you have one who may have special needs too. Maybe he feels to blame in some way. X

He sounds like a pig of a man, your poor little boy, truthfully I couldn’t stay with the father of my child having that attitude, it’s damaging you and your son

It is your husband who isn't normal.

OP sounds like life dealt you really tough hand, I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter. But your DH needs to grow up fast and be a father. My god your poor DS. I'd be unable to tolerate that from a DH, sorry, he'd be out the door ASAP.

Well he set his stall out when he refused to kiss his own two year old son didn’t he.

No way would this guy challenge you for custody. He doesn’t like his own child. This man is going to reinforce to your son over and over again that he isn’t normal.

It’s your Dh that isn’t normal - not your son

He's said he's done with your son. That's pretty clear to me that he's decided to opt out of being a father, and to be honest, a shitty nasty father will do far more damage to child development than one who's just fucked off.

A lot of what you've described with the exception of the speech delay and your son's size I remember my son as a toddler doing - water, taps, loud things all those are just ordinary toddler things!

Your son may have SN, but your husband is going to make this a lot harder on both you and your son than it ever needs to be.

I think some serious reflection in the next few days for you will be important.

So please don't stay with this absolute twat just because your fear him wanting to get your son away from you
agree with this, BUT you can use his 'weapon' against him if you need to...
make out you believe his threat to take your child from you and he will be lulled into a false sense of security, meanwhile you arrange everything in the background so that you have the best possible life for you and your son
you'll have to stitch this man up because he sure as hell wont play fair
you have to get control of the situation before he does and the easiest way to do that is to let him think that he has you under control and that he wont have to make much effort.
Act like a kitten and he wont suspect that you're a tiger

Either he's really not a very nice man and has completely unrealistic ideas about how a toddler should behave, or his grief is manifesting in this, quite frankly, really unpleasant way. Either way, your marriage is clearly under some really serious stresses.

Either way, he needs to educate himself and maybe have some counselling. Your son may be being assessed for ASD but most of what you describe seems within normal toddler behaviour, like you say.

I'm so sorry for your loss

He’s really not normal is he! I’m talking about your husband not your poor son. I really hope your husband doesn’t keep saying “he’s not normal” in front of your little boy. I’m sure it must be really hard for your hubby and you too and it must be disappointing when your child isn’t quite what you were expecting. But to be so cruel is just heartbreaking. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of caring for and supporting your son. 💐

He sounds an utter twat and he has showed he has no strength to support you and your son. However maybe he needs some counselling to help him come to terms with your sons diagnosis. Still I think he’s being horrible and that’s coming from someone who has gone through the same diagnosis for my son and yes he’s got autism but it does not define him xx Be strong xx

I'm not one to frivolously throw around LTB, but seriously LTB. He sounds like an absolute pig of a human. He will only get worse-your son is still at the "cute" stage. When he's older your husband will be even more irritated. Not normal? Christ. How bloody insulting. My 5yo son is autistic and is utterly perfect. He drives me crazy at times, but he's truly wonderful-I feel honoured to be his mum. If you stay with this man he will seriously emotionally damage your son. Why would you want to be with someone that unkind. Hugs to you and your sweet boy.

an ultimatum. Go get some counselling, or leave

This .
I stayed but exp lost the plot completely. It was hell.

You will be better slow d and sure if he steps up and parents him separately then great.

Better for ds to be 50 per cent or less time with someone who doesn't care than 100 per cent

Better alone

Sorry, OP. What a loathesome prick. You now need to protect your DS from further spite. Not sure what that looks like but I'm with others who have suggested LTB. Its scary to think about on some levels so get as much support as you can.

Your husband needs to go...seriously. Your poor DS. He deserves better than an arsehole like that for a dad and you deserve a better husband! I don’t know how he fucking dare. How can anyone be so
Selfish?

I’m so sorry op. Such a horrible situation to be in

What does "take a step back" mean? Withhold affection?

I am very sorry for the loss of your DD. Her loss makes your DS even more precious and you need to protect him from his father. He will utterly fuck your DS life up if this continues.

Wowee. Being so critical to a tiny two year old. Is he a parent in this situation or a passerby who gets to opt out of having anything to do with your son?

Like you said you don't get to opt out. He is choosing to so he can fuck off actually. It'll do less damage than this constant criticism and comparison. Children with additional needs aren't necessarily immune to how their caregivers behave. He's horrid.

He may be grieving for the loss of what he imagined. It doesn’t excuse his awful attitude but might explain a little. Hope this poem helps you through the possible diagnosis of your DS. I’m typing on a phone, so if the link doesn’t work, search for the poem “welcome to Holland”. specialneedsfamilyhour.com/welcome-to-holland/

I agree he won't actually want your dear son as much as he's saying if you separate. They never ever do.

Not read the thread
But based on OP - I think you sound like a brilliant parent to your DS

I'm with Fizzy. He'll leave and be very happy to be out from under the burden of being a father to a boy who, in his opinion, is not "normal". He won't see him at all. I wouldn't let that worry you for a minute.