At my wits end with DH, not sure what to do. So sad for my DC

[presstheshutter]

It's all because of DS.

DS is two and awaiting an assessment for autism. This will take time, but we should hear within the next few weeks. The support has been very good.

In a nutshell, DH told me last night that he's 'done' with DS. He said he's a nasty, horrible little boy. He's told me he can't keep doing this, he's ruined so many aspects of his life, and that he thinks 'it's a good idea for him to take a step back, for the best'

Amongst other things, I said how about how everything has impacted me? I never get to take a step back and I wouldn't, because he's our son and he comes first. He said "Why do you always make it about you?"

DS does a lot of 'different' things that other 2 year olds wouldn't do, I grant you, but my biggest miff is that actually, a lot of what he's doing that annoys DH IS normal.

For example, DS is completely non verbal. It needs investigation and that's fine. He will not socialise or interact with other people, also not very normal. Also does repetitive stuff, does not play or use imaginative play, just shacks items, also not entirely normal.

But, DH seems to start saying and moaning "This is not normal" when it is perfectly normal for 2, just annoying. For example, he woke up this morning and got the heaviest item he could find and started banging it on the dressing table. That's normal to me, although annoying.

DS will occasionally (otherwise eats everything in sight), refuse a dinner. DH will moan "There's something seriously wrong, he's not normal".

DS will try and climb on the toilet seat to see what's in the bathroom sink. DH will moan he's not normal.

Everything remotely frustrating seems to be met with 'he's got serious issues, he's not normal'.

Another example is DS has always slept through, never woken up. Last night he decided to wake at 12 at night, DH was going mad saying this isn't normal. When In fact it's normal, just annoying.

I'm so fed up of all this bollocks, from DH, not DS. The constant whinging that it's all too much, that it isn't fair, that he isn't normal.

Even if he isn't normal, or does have a diagnostic issue, so what?! He's our son. Deal with it like I have to. I can't just 'take a step back' and neither would I.

He also constantly compares DS to his brothers boys. Of whom he hardly knows, and I see regularly. I can guarantee you that both of them do things much worse than DS, just being 'kids', but no, DH swears blend that could never be.

We always see him off to work and hugs him a kiss. I made a point of going down myself to see him off. He did give me a kiss but refused DS Then said he had to go. Wouldn't even acknowledge him this morning.

What on Earth do we do?

I'm even more angry because he won't reach out and research things for himself, or bother to talk to anyone else. He seems to have his own 'it's not normal' alarm set by himself.

What was he like before you lost your daughter? I would wonder is he isn't coping with the grief to be honest. He is being horrible but There might be more to it.

He sounds like a man child & needs to get a grip. He sounds not normal.

So sorry you lost your daughter OP I can’t imagine what you’ve been through.

Hmm is dh on the spectrum?? Normal is what's normal for your family. My friends have a ds with autism and the dad really struggled to understand and accept it. He withdrew a bit from ds but nothing like what your dh is doing. Saying over and over to any child that hes not normal is not acceptable. I haven't read everyone's comments but maybe it's time for you to be seriously thinking of parenting alone until dh can come back into his sons life as a dad.

This post is so very very sad and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You're at a time where you should be grieving for your daughter, together with your husband and pulling together for your little boy who needs the support of both of his parents.

Would it help to get counselling together so you can tell him how you feel and hopefully he'll listen better? His behaviour is truly disgusting and this 'it's not normal' is a really terrible thing to be saying about his own child but I think there's more going on and it's a lot to do with hiding his feelings about the loss of your daughter.

I don't normally comment on posts like these as I don't feel qualified in any way to help but I truly hope things get better and keep pushing for a diagnosis for your little one x

As a mother of a child with additional needs if my partner spoke of my child in that way I would show him the door! But having read your update about your daughter, I'm very sorry for your loss, do you think he is intact not loving on or dealing with it and that could be an underlying reason for his behaviour and attitude towards your son?? How was he with your son before the loss of your daughter??

I will start by saying here that your DH’s attitude is horrible and something needs to happen here.

However I agree with a PP that he is A, likely grieving the child he thought that DS was going to be and is now grieving the child who you have lost.

Did this attitude start after you lost your DD per chance? Because it’s possible that he built up the idea of what he perceives to be a “normal” child while you were pregnant, and then when you lost her he came to the realisation that that’s now not going to happen, and in his current state he’s resentful towards your DS.

I’m not saying that it’s ok or justified, but human emotions are complicated things, and the truth is that many, most even, parents go through a stage of grieving when they have a disabled child, and the attitude of non acceptance is not uncommon, hence why the numbers of children with SN in care are much much higher, as are the number of marriage breakdowns where a child has a disability.

I think you could both benefit from some counselling, and it’s not wrong to have counselling even to help you come to terms with having a disabled child. But currently he is so caught up in how things are affecting him that any suggestion that others might also be affected is something he can’t hear at the moment. He needs some help to come to terms with his own feelings, as do you, and only once you are both in the right place can you communicate wrt your DS and his needs.

Please don’t think I’m justifying his responses here, but this really isn’t a case of someone who is just being a bully for the sake of it. Having a child with severe disabilities and then losing another child is an emotional rollercoaster for anyone, but some people deal with it differently. he needs some (outside) help to do that I think, because at the moment you are only going to destroy each other.

This is heartbreaking - you've been through/are going through so much, is there anyone supporting you - parents, friends?

I’m so sorry about the loss of your little girl. Having to deal with your DH’s appalling behaviour whilst grieving must be very tough.

I'm so very confused right now

I want to say it's because of losing DD, that maybe he's dealing with it and doesn't even know it.

But I'm sure he's done this before, constantly picking faults with how not normal DS is.

If not with his behaviour then his size (still in size 9-12/12-18!months clothes at age 2).

DH is 6'3/4 and thinks he needs bulking up. It was mentioned a lot more previously too, seems to be a bit better now. But any child he sees that's a similar age, he's always very quick to say 'he's/she's bigger than him' or "that child is a newborn and already the same size as him"

Do you think he is having some difficulty coming to terms with the fact his child has developmental delays ,as well as losing his baby in October? This is such a difficult time for all of you .He is behaving in a very childish manner indeed.Maybe some counselling would help ?

Your dh is a knob and your son is going to start understanding all these comments soon. Protect your son from his constant criticism

Your Dh is a dead weight holding you back and over the years this will only get worse. He wants to detach ? So let him and leave him . No compassion for your son or you for that matter. It's not a life you've chosen .
Sorry to hear about your daughter

In the same way he won't do his own research or asking around of other parents etc, I'm pretty sure he won't do counselling. I can say that with almost certainty

He just goes on in his little bubble complaining of our 'different child'. When really he isn't that different at all in the sense of 'naughty' things he does. He is actually very tame for a toddler. But DH thinks he's one of the worst behaviour wise

The naughtiest things he does would probably be climbing up and turning taps on (he loves water), or banging objects on a surface to make noise Nothing compared to the horrors I've been told about/seen from other small children who are all just equally as blameless because they're BABIES really

If I did leave then DH would want to have him a lot. We had this conversation a little while ago when we fell out over something trivial. We'd never argued much before or even so much as hinted at splitting before then, even whilst still dating etc. So I would fail even more at protecting him from criticism because I wouldn't be there to protect him from it

If I did leave then DH would want to have him a lot.

I very much doubt he will if he needs to take some time out from being a father so much
Its just a way to look good/put pressure on you because he knows you woudt want to be separated from your child

in that case you'll need to build a case against him before you leave him and without his knowledge to make sure that he doesn't have access to his child
I don't think he really would want the inconvenience of a looking after his own child he probably just said that because it's a way of keeping you under control and preventing you from leaving him

I'm so sorry for your loss

He is grieving for the son he won't have. But that doesn't give him the right to be verbally abusive and neglectful of the son he has.

Your son will know his father feels this way about him but won't understand it, it will not help him develop positively.

This makes me feel really sad.

Why are you saying if you split your dh would want your ds a lot? That doesn't make sense. He spends all his time carping on about him and picking fault. Call his bluff that's just nonsense . He can't cope with him with you there so what's he going to be like if you separate?

You need to make your DH understand the damage he will do/is doing to your son by his continual criticisms.

I'm very sorry about your daughter.

Your husband has no compassion for his own child. Even if he has a condition like autism he still a child with needs like any other.
They want exactly the same as anybody else. Toddles can be very testing they are normally stubborn, active, noisy and above all unreasonable. Some more some less. Some are curious and get into everything some don't.
There is some aspects that are normal for all to do but overall they are quite unique. Ours didn't say much until he was 3 and then he was talking all the time.
Sounds like you have a husband problem not a child problem right now.

Your husband is acting like a spiteful 6-year old, imo if you continue in this relationship with him he will take the position of a bullying older brother to the younger child, and you will be forced into a position of mother of two very demanding children
This will be a complete and utter head fuck

In that case OP I think LTB is the only way forward. Your DS will soon be old enough to understand these comments.

What an awful man how shit to put his pressure on his grieving wife. You would think he would see just how precious your son is. However, we nearly lost DD as a newborn and DH did the same thing and disengaged completely. We all cope differently but I was very clear that you're either part of this family or you're not so disengage but dont come back having left me to do it all because you wont be welcome here. Why are you letting him dip in and out of family life and treat you both like crap? Can you reach out to other mums and your HV for support. Oh and for comparison my NT 16 month old throws food on the floor, throws milk in her own face, barrel rolled off the changing mat wiping her poo covered bum over the carpet which she then peed on, loves banging anything, will steal any credit cards she sees and hide them, and eats cat biscuits. She also goes through phases of sleeping through and 1 or 2 night wakes when its cold, shes poorly or having a growth spurt. Mr disney dad seems to prefer the image of family life to the reality

Your husband is normal.
The statistics are testament to the break up of marriages where a severely autistic child is involved. Except it is not a marital problem, it is the father leaving the child and often having very limited contact with them.
Mini the Minx has put it a bit more gently and with greater insight as to the reasons, but this is far from unusual.

I’d be issuing an ultimatum. Go get some counselling, or leave. I only say to offer this chance to him as my H lost the plot several months after our Dd died and I wonder if his behaviour is abnormal for him or if he’s always been like this. It’s worth him exploring. I hope you have some support for your grief too and some practical help with DS