At my wits end with DH, not sure what to do. So sad for my DC

[presstheshutter]

It's all because of DS.

DS is two and awaiting an assessment for autism. This will take time, but we should hear within the next few weeks. The support has been very good.

In a nutshell, DH told me last night that he's 'done' with DS. He said he's a nasty, horrible little boy. He's told me he can't keep doing this, he's ruined so many aspects of his life, and that he thinks 'it's a good idea for him to take a step back, for the best'

Amongst other things, I said how about how everything has impacted me? I never get to take a step back and I wouldn't, because he's our son and he comes first. He said "Why do you always make it about you?"

DS does a lot of 'different' things that other 2 year olds wouldn't do, I grant you, but my biggest miff is that actually, a lot of what he's doing that annoys DH IS normal.

For example, DS is completely non verbal. It needs investigation and that's fine. He will not socialise or interact with other people, also not very normal. Also does repetitive stuff, does not play or use imaginative play, just shacks items, also not entirely normal.

But, DH seems to start saying and moaning "This is not normal" when it is perfectly normal for 2, just annoying. For example, he woke up this morning and got the heaviest item he could find and started banging it on the dressing table. That's normal to me, although annoying.

DS will occasionally (otherwise eats everything in sight), refuse a dinner. DH will moan "There's something seriously wrong, he's not normal".

DS will try and climb on the toilet seat to see what's in the bathroom sink. DH will moan he's not normal.

Everything remotely frustrating seems to be met with 'he's got serious issues, he's not normal'.

Another example is DS has always slept through, never woken up. Last night he decided to wake at 12 at night, DH was going mad saying this isn't normal. When In fact it's normal, just annoying.

I'm so fed up of all this bollocks, from DH, not DS. The constant whinging that it's all too much, that it isn't fair, that he isn't normal.

Even if he isn't normal, or does have a diagnostic issue, so what?! He's our son. Deal with it like I have to. I can't just 'take a step back' and neither would I.

He also constantly compares DS to his brothers boys. Of whom he hardly knows, and I see regularly. I can guarantee you that both of them do things much worse than DS, just being 'kids', but no, DH swears blend that could never be.

We always see him off to work and hugs him a kiss. I made a point of going down myself to see him off. He did give me a kiss but refused DS Then said he had to go. Wouldn't even acknowledge him this morning.

What on Earth do we do?

I'm even more angry because he won't reach out and research things for himself, or bother to talk to anyone else. He seems to have his own 'it's not normal' alarm set by himself.

I feel like sobbing, I really do.

I feel like a hideous mother to not have seen that he's been so mean to my beautiful boy. I did wonder before what it'll be like when DS isn't as 'cute'. Will it not be worse? More apparent there is an issue?

I just don't know. This year has been the most horrific I've had. DS is just so bloody lovely. He's extremely loving towards me, maybe that's just because I still breastfeed though He is lovely to DH too but does show a clear preference.

My first ever 'DTMFA' (Dump the MF already!) is bestowed on you :(
But seriously - you have a selfish man-child for a DH. Xx

He can’t take a step back and do 50/50. I doubt he could manage an overnight!
You’ll find being the best parent you can be easier without him.

So your DS is showing a clear preference for the parent who is kind and supportive?
Smart child.

I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter, OP.
I'm wincing at all the abuse directed at your husband. Like others, I would question whether he also has autism. I say that as someone whose husband was diagnosed only last year after 23 years of marriage. There's a strong familial component to it. The black-and - white thinking, difficulty with perspective-taking and the avoidance of research that you describe all strongly remind me of my husband. He has learned to cope better with counselling and we have stayed together. Could you broach this with your DH?

Your 'D'H's attitude is not normal. There are plenty of fathers who step up to the challenge of having a pint-sized non-verbal incredibly-noisy whirlwind of an autistic child.

Give serious consideration whether you want to stay with his man. Definitely don't try for another child with him. (Sorry for your loss)

Is there such a thing as “ normal”
What is “normal”

You’ve been through a traumatic loss
Being pregnant then loosing your daughter.
Then you’ve got this part of a husband saying he can’t handle it
Who the fuck does he think he is
He’s 2 as he never heard of the terrible 2’s
Seems he wants a child with an adult brain
Also comparing him to other’s!!!
Anyone is unique

I also agree, he’s a cute little boy now
And he can’t handle it
What about when he’s a teenager 13

He’s the one with issues op
He thinks he’s perfect?

I bet you hate him walking through the door after work, knowing your in for an earful if mr perfect
I’m surprised your not depressed

Sorry but he needs an ultimatum
Accept ds as he is, or FUCK OFF
As for him wanting lots of contact if you ever parted, wtf he can’t bear to be near him now.
He’d bring him back before his time was up
Ie 6 hrs he’d be at your door after 3

As hard as it is op. Leave this man. Do not let your don see you condone this behaviour towards him.
Horrible prick

Oh OP, you poor dear. I want to sympathise with you about the loss of your daughter.

I feel so badly for you - I was shocked when I read your husband wants to "take a step back" - what is he on about? You cannot return your child because they are not what you wanted, they are a human being. You sound like a wonderful mum and you seem able to cope with DS. Perhaps with the support of your family you can do this alone? Although I really would struggle letting a man away with abandoning his child with additional needs.

Also my first ever LTB💐
Gave me a kiss but not DS this is really cruel and I felt quite upset when I read it.
So sorry you're going through this OP

Your husband is an incredibly cruel man.

What was he like before you lost your daughter? I would wonder is he isn't coping with the grief to be honest. He is being horrible but There might be more to it.

I wondered this, too. Was he as impatient and intolerant before you had your son? How did he cope with fatherhood before your son showed autistic traits?

If this is a complete change of character, then he needs help to manage his double grief. In the other hand, if he refuses help, then you have to protect your son, which might mean throwing your husband out.

I have two children, one of whom is autistic, diagnosed with Asperger's when she was 6. My husband was always going on about our daughter, and how messy she was, how naughty, how she was this or that..., she never lived up to his expectations, and then he completely disengaged from parenting (and from our relationship). In part I think it was because he didn't want the responsibility of caring for a child who he perceived as being 'difficult'.

She isn't difficult. She just has needs that he couldn't meet. It was his inadequacy, not hers.

We separated for lots of small reasons, but his lack of support for our daughter and for me was part of it. He only sees our children once a week (and he does anything and everything to get out of that - his choice), but actually things are better because I can get on with parenting in a way that is helpful to my daughter, rather than either her being knocked back by him, or by him being there but not there, if that makes sense.

'Take a step back', i.e., leave it all up to you! What if you decided you wanted to do the same? Tell him you do and ask what he suggests?
Almost no doubt he'll walk and have minimal contact. Make sure your'e prepared for this financially. And don't plan any more DC with him.

What a twat.
Your son deserves better.
So do you.

Tell him to run away if that's what he wants to do but by god don't let him blame a 2 year old for his spineless selfish choice.

I'm another who doubts that in reality he will want to have his child much.

Also; how fucking manipulative to say that to you?!

Could it be that your husband is autistic? It might go some way to explain his intolerance or his inability to accept how your son 'should' behave? Sometimes ASD seems to run in families so there's definitely a familial link... Feel for you I really do.

The first duty of a mother is to protect her child. Whatever is causing this behaviour, the little lad cannot be exposed to it because it will fundamentally harm him.

Your husband has to take his chances. Protect your child. I'm afraid that probably means going it alone. Very sorry for your loss earlier in the year too.

He is probably in a period of grieving

Wow. Good thing the OP isn't in a period of grieving then if it means being mean and spiteful to an innocent child.

Some people really are just shits. They really can see their own beautiful child as something defective and walk away. He won't go for access if you split, he will just fade away (unless he can get some mileage out of playing power games with you both.)

Just wanted to say you sound like a wonderful mum. I'm so pleased your little boy has you

Another reason why asd children parents seperate is that one of parents will have ASD and they are one who can't cope .
Leave leave leave . I stayed and ended up like this
www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

This is one of the most awful things I've ever read.

Are you sure your husband isn't on the spectrum? One thing's for sure- how he's behaving is 'NOT NORMAL!'

OP you sound lovely, please don't feel guilty about things that are in the past, you have identified the issue and come on MN for advice, that shows you've tried your best but now things need to change.
Your partner is being horrific to his child, it is unbelievable. Obviously he should do research, talk to other parents, do counselling alone or with you. But you say he won't.
I'm sorry to say this OP, but he sounds nasty, mean and cruel.

But I totally understand your concern that if you left him, he might want 50:50 custody. We can think that he probably won't in reality - but I totally share your fear. I believe that this is a common reason why women stay with awful men - because at least then you are there all the time to do your best to protect your child, rather than leave your child entirely at the father's mercy (50% of the time). I wish i had an answer on this - hopefully other MNers will have insights. Massive hugs to you and your sweet DS x

My DS has just read some of this and wants to send you and your lovely son a big hug. DS is very affectionate and loves cuddles with his family. He also holds down a part-time job and can do all sorts of things for himself, although he still struggles with shoe laces.

At 2 he was quiet, shy, scared of so much and non-verbal. He is now almost 30 and has developed enormously from that 2 year old. Yes, he drives us bonkers at time, but we are so proud of him.

We all send lots of support to you and your son and hope your DH can shake off his foolishness and take pride in his son.

Something far wrong with your husband. Could he possibly be on (I think it's called 'the spectrum), sorry if I have used incorrect phrase. I assume taking a.atep back means he is leaving the family home? Sorry for the loss of your daughter.