At my wits end with DH, not sure what to do. So sad for my DC

[presstheshutter]

It's all because of DS.

DS is two and awaiting an assessment for autism. This will take time, but we should hear within the next few weeks. The support has been very good.

In a nutshell, DH told me last night that he's 'done' with DS. He said he's a nasty, horrible little boy. He's told me he can't keep doing this, he's ruined so many aspects of his life, and that he thinks 'it's a good idea for him to take a step back, for the best'

Amongst other things, I said how about how everything has impacted me? I never get to take a step back and I wouldn't, because he's our son and he comes first. He said "Why do you always make it about you?"

DS does a lot of 'different' things that other 2 year olds wouldn't do, I grant you, but my biggest miff is that actually, a lot of what he's doing that annoys DH IS normal.

For example, DS is completely non verbal. It needs investigation and that's fine. He will not socialise or interact with other people, also not very normal. Also does repetitive stuff, does not play or use imaginative play, just shacks items, also not entirely normal.

But, DH seems to start saying and moaning "This is not normal" when it is perfectly normal for 2, just annoying. For example, he woke up this morning and got the heaviest item he could find and started banging it on the dressing table. That's normal to me, although annoying.

DS will occasionally (otherwise eats everything in sight), refuse a dinner. DH will moan "There's something seriously wrong, he's not normal".

DS will try and climb on the toilet seat to see what's in the bathroom sink. DH will moan he's not normal.

Everything remotely frustrating seems to be met with 'he's got serious issues, he's not normal'.

Another example is DS has always slept through, never woken up. Last night he decided to wake at 12 at night, DH was going mad saying this isn't normal. When In fact it's normal, just annoying.

I'm so fed up of all this bollocks, from DH, not DS. The constant whinging that it's all too much, that it isn't fair, that he isn't normal.

Even if he isn't normal, or does have a diagnostic issue, so what?! He's our son. Deal with it like I have to. I can't just 'take a step back' and neither would I.

He also constantly compares DS to his brothers boys. Of whom he hardly knows, and I see regularly. I can guarantee you that both of them do things much worse than DS, just being 'kids', but no, DH swears blend that could never be.

We always see him off to work and hugs him a kiss. I made a point of going down myself to see him off. He did give me a kiss but refused DS Then said he had to go. Wouldn't even acknowledge him this morning.

What on Earth do we do?

I'm even more angry because he won't reach out and research things for himself, or bother to talk to anyone else. He seems to have his own 'it's not normal' alarm set by himself.

He is DS parent - just like you are.
He cannot be 'done' with him.
He needs to learn and understand how to deal with him.
Like any other parent of an autistic child.
Wow - he is some kind of low-life to be like this about his own DS.
I'd start to get some support around you and tell everyone why you need it.
He's being a dick. It's all about HIM isn't it!?
Not you!

I am so sorry for your loss OP. You are coping amazingly and sound like a lovely mum.

I think his comment that he wants to "take a step back" is very revealing and almost sounds like he is laying the groundwork to leave. I wouldn't let it get that far. Kick him out. He is undoubtedly grieving for your daughter and handling things terribly but the damage he could do to you and your DS is significant. He needs a kick up the arse. I think you should ask him to leave for a while.

No advice, but I'm so sorry you are going through this - you sound like a brilliant, lovely Mum. Your DH needs to seek help obviously - his rejecting DS must be so painful to witness, and you should not have to face these challenges alone.

I have a son and a daughter with autism and I would say kick him out now. Far easier to be shouldering the needs of a child with autism alone than doing it whilst pacifying the twat who calls himself a father if you ask me.
It's not going to get better, your child's needs aren't going to disappear and if anything the differences seem to get more pronounced as the child gets older. Ds was different at two to the average two year old and at 24 he's very different to the average 24 year old.
You and your child deserve far better than this so end it now before he causes lasting damage to your child.

I've only skimmed the replies so apologies if I repeat what a pp might have said, but your post has made me year up.

Your son may still be very little and he may be pre-verbal but he will still pick up on his father's feelings about him and may grow up thinking his dad doesn't love, or even like him.

This dreadful attitude needs addressing with your husband before he seriously damages your son's self esteem.

Tear not year. Auto correct strikes again

I'm pretty furious at your husband - would you like to set me loose on him to tell him a few home truths?? How absolutely lacking in empathy, social awareness and consideration for anybody but his own, male ego entitled self!

"He's not normal" - well frankly, no, he's not, he's a little boy with special needs. Stop saying that sentence because it's breathtakingly meaningless unhelpful, accept that your kid comes with challenges, (some of which are because he's a 2 year old) and get on with parenting him knowing this information, because he's your fucking son!

"Stop making it about you" how DARE he say that to you when he's being so breathtakingly selfish????

I'd be asking him when you, his son's mother, gets to take a step back. It's hard for both of you. But he'll call you selfish for that, I'm sure.

Gah! I'm so angry at a man I have never met!

Holy fuck! Do you even need to ask?

I'd have his bags packed for him coming home. And left outside. And the door locked. With a note pinned to the door saying 'get to fuck you prick.'

Infact I'd change the locks aswell.

I'd honestly not entertain that man for one more second of my life.

This thread is heartbreaking and your husband is a cunt. Please leave him.

Your H is not just making your son's life worse, he's making your life worse too, all because of his own perceptions.
Tell him to take a lot of steps back, enough so that you don't have to deal or live with him, as you'll find it easier without him.

Ah bless you I'm so sorry about your daughter. That is so recent and you must both be in the midst of grief still. I would hope that your husband's over the top reaction is all connected to this. Acknowledging your child has a disability is a massive deal for many people and can lead to lots of negative emotions, though you would hope they would be expressed better than your husband is managing to. Do you think your dh has any autistic traits himself? Not that that excuses his behaviour but might lead to some understanding.
I would not ltb in the midst of everything else that is going on, though I would in future if there is no improvement. He might benefit from being fully involved in the assessment process and able to ask any questions he has there. As for "he's not normal" - yes he's not normal, and? He's our son and we love him.

I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter

As far as your current family situation is concerned - your husband is the 'not normal' one.

He refused a kiss goodbye to his 2 year old son?

I don't think things will improve, he has decided that your son is 'not normal' and he is punishing him for something he cannot help, as well as punishing you for pulling him up on it .

Personally I would tell him to pull all the way back, right out of the house, marriage and family. He has issues and you and your son deserve better, much better.

You sound a fantastic mum and would be more than enough for your lovely little boy, without this deadweight of a husband and father around to make life harder for you both

I've got a nineteen year old with severe cerebral palsy and other issues stemming from a stroke suffered in NICU-He was committed for 3.5 months at the age of14-i can promise you I would never tolerate or humor my husband behaving like this towards our boy. We love him and he's our world. His behavior can be extremely challenging and frustrating however we don't take his issues personally which it sounds like your husband is. Your son is better off without his presence with behavior like that towards him. Believe me being a parent to a special needs child isn't for everyone it takes pure love

You sound like a wonderful person. Kind and caring. I’m so sorry you lost you daughter. So you’re dealing with grief and a two year old and a difficult husband. Who’s supporting you? You need respite and self care. Are you able to do anything for you on a weekly basis? A yoga class or something. I think your life might be simpler if it was just you and your son. You might be best to start making those plans anyway because your DH has checked out and somebody like him isn’t going to stay the course. Best get prepared and take back some control

You've got to leave him. Imagine your son growing up hearing "you're not normal" everyday of his life.

Leave him.

Leave him. His refusal to be a parent to his son is awful. Denying a toddler a kiss goodbye is the lowest.

As a single parent you will give your son a family where he is 100% loved. And his dad will have to pay maintenance.

Most of all you won't need to waste your energy on this pathetic specimen of masculinity.

:(
Not sure what else to say. Your dH is the one who isnt normal. A father should love their child enough, unconditionally, to not feel they can just ignore/abandom them because its hard work.
I am not sure I could move on from that unless he had a complete cahnge of mind/behaviour and was ready to prove he isnt a complete prick

I think your husband needs an ultimatum to confront the issues your son may face, and educate himself or get the hell out of your life. Such a negative cold parent can be so damaging.
I imagine you will spend a lot of energy fighting the system and society to get the best for your child, the last thing you need OP is to be battling your partner in all this. You need support.

Autism is often inherited from the dad. I'd be letting him know it is his behaviour that is not normal. Taking a step back!?

Tell him to fuck off and focus on what's best for your son and you.

Even if that man was also autistic, this would not explain his behaviour.
Autistic people do not act in such a crap way. Twats do (and you can be a twat AND autistic)

OP I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter

I know you have said the comments about 'normal' (I hate this word BTW. 'Normal' is not a barometer by which we judge our DC against others) started before this tragedy but I imagine there is some link with how vile his behaviour is at the moment. He could well be going through two very different forms of grief - one for your daughter (even if he is a 'good coper' in general, that doesn't mean he will always be in every circumstance, which he might not really be admitting to himself), and one for the loss of what he expected parenting to be. He probably needs some support (and education).

As other PPs have said, your son will be picking up on the comments and attitudes towards him and continued exposure to this could be incredibly damaging.

I think you need to find a way to very firmly put this across to DH, when DS is in bed. Maybe put it in a letter if he won't listen. Tell him that if he can't show DS love then perhaps he should 'take a step back' and pack a bag - you don't need that toxicity around a child who simply needs support and love, and you don't need to be around it when you are undoubtedly still grieving and also being a wonderful mum to DS.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through 💐
I would just get rid of this man, he will only ever be an extra burden in your life, drop him like a hot brick, kick him to the curb, put all your efforts into doing what you can for yourself and your child get whatever money you can out of this waste of space father

So sorry for the loss of your daughter

As a mother of two boys with Autism.. you get me very first LTB!! I cannot believe what I've just read!!