I feel like he has cheated

[Loveontherocks100]

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

Tell him to leave whilst you decide what to do. This sounds like an affair to me. Sorry 😢

@Gemma1971 Sadly I have been there and got the tshirt.... Sadly that is pretty clear from your posts. Hope life is a whole lot better for you now!

Wow he sounds vile. You deserve better.

Men who do this hate women
I truly believe this to be the case

I totally agree with you. They'll associate with attractive women - of which OP is clearly one - because of the positive reflection, but it's actually all about them with others' needs nowhere in view

Sadly, OP's every remark has confirmed this only too clearly

So much of what you've said is like my exh to a T.... work stuff being sooo important and disastrous to miss (wether I was heavily pregnant or not), horrible 'jokes' about women when at work, misogynist behaviour then acting affronted when called out...lies here and there and stuff that doesn't add up-usually with the purpose of him being able to do what he wants when he wants.
It's all small stuff on its own but added together makes for an unpleasant bigger picture.

his shocking reaction “my life is over”

The lying is the problem here of course so not trying to detract from that. But just to add something I read years ago about (some?) men not being able to shift their view of a girlfriend to the next stage. So whereas a woman will naturally see a relationship progressing through the stages of dating/moving in together/marriage/children and will be considering all that quite early in a relationship (and finish it if she can't imagine marriage/kids with him), a man is more likely to see a woman as just dating and perhaps moving in together potential, but not marriage/babies and can't make that shift later on. Its why you often hear of men leaving a long-term relationship saying he's not ready for commitment/marriage/kids then very quickly gets married and has kids with a new woman (perhaps who he already knows), leaving first woman feeling like she wasn't good enough but its really not that. It may go a little way to explain why your P reacted the way he did when you got pregnant, he was going along with what you wanted but hadn't made that shift to seeing you as THAT woman in his life.

Overall though he sounds like he has a problem that I'm not sure can be fixed although I'm on the side of trying very hard, not just walking away from a marriage when children are involved (sorry to majority of mumsnetters who shout leave at the first sign of trouble). Good luck with the counselling. Keep communicating with him what you need. I agree he should just realise but men (generalising) tend to carry on doing what they can get away with (i.e. not helping with childcare) if you don't tell them that it's not working that way for you. Sorry you're feeling this way, stay strong. x

This sounds incredibly like my DSIS ex-husband. The multitude of small lies, seemingly for no reason at all. Like you my DSIS thought everything was fine until the scales fell from her eyes. Then she realised he'd always lied and those lies are insidious, they completely undermine the foundations of your relationship.

My ex-BIL is also attractive, charming, public school educated, successful at work and comes across as a great chap. Unless you have to live with his pointless small lies and his ability to manoeuvre and 'manage' those around him to make HIS life easier. He never once considered that his lies and selfishness affected my DSIS. If he stopped to think, he'd think it had been 'for a laugh' and that my DSIS wouldn't mind. If you'd called him out on his selfishness (insisting on work trips that turned out to be a jolly, leaving her holding the baby) he'd have sworn blind he wasn't being selfish.

As in the post above of PragmaticWench it sounds like you are having a 'scales falling from your eyes' moment. It's painful. I have been there. You suddenly 'see'. A tipping point is reached and you realise there is a whole aspect to your marriage you didn't even know existed but your DH has been operating within that aspect for many years and has been able to because you didn't even know of it's existence.
He refers to that aspect as 'managing' you and that is exactly what he does. He will do it with almost everyone around him too apart from those that 'see' him too but with those people he will have a mutual back slapping, 'we are so clever and too intelligent for these numpties' relationship with.
I was you. My ex overstepped one day and I suddenly saw him for the arch manipulator he was and realised I had been managed in large things and small for years. He tried to explain himself but hadn't had time to prepare an answer that made sense. I could tell from his face that all of it only works if he has time to move the pieces on the metaphorical chess board of his life and he was caught out.
I left.
It took me a good couple of years before I felt like the old me as partly you don't want to believe people can be like like this and I didn't want to believe I had been so stupid/trusting.
Like you with the comments about your pregnancy, there had been indicators that he was essentially a dick but it's easy to ignore these small things as you go along. I never ignore the small things now.

Found two condoms in the backpack he uses for work.

He has also taken it on holiday with us so doubtless that will be his excuse, but we have not used condoms on holiday since September (and we pack them in the main bag) and it’s in the tiny front pocket with his work phone so I don’t understand how he would have had them in there this whole time and not realised they were there/taken them out.

There’s your evidence then, I’m sorry

Are you going to confront him about it? I wouldn't bother as he will just lie. I would keep checking it and see if they are removed/replaced with new ones.

I asked him. He is insisting we went on holiday and they must have fallen out of main luggage and him put them in there. He was believable in his facial expressions but it’s so illogical. He said he has seen them loads at work and wanted to bin them but couldn’t at work and didn’t want to st home as I would be suspicious and he forgot.

He was crying a lot and saying he knows how it looks.

I'm sorry OP

I hope you at least get the truth from him

I can’t imagine having condoms in my work Bag for 4 months and not removing them.

Backpack only 2 years old

Yes, I've no doubt he'd cry; it must be obvious even to him that the scope for lying is beginning to run out

You might want to be careful when that realisation finally hits home, since men who have been used to "controlling" others don't always appreciate it slipping away. At that point there's every chance he'll try to make it your fault, and that won't be pleasant

I can’t imagine having condoms in my work bag for 4 months and not removing them.

Exactly. There are many places he could have binned them (if his story is true and we know it isn't). Just pop into the toilets at work as he's leaving and bin them there. Or in a bar or restaurant toilet (given he's out so much).

Or heaven forbid on the first day back at work after your holiday, come home and say "I'd forgotten I'd stuck these condoms in my work bag after they fell out of our suitcase yesterday. Can't believe I took them to work with me. I'll put them in the bedside drawer".

He's lying again. And then crying because he knows you're suspicious. Sorry OP.

I've been there with the condoms in carry on luggage. Except my ex was using his for a stag do.

He still lied through his teeth and acted beyond incensed that I'd accused him of packing them - they must have "fallen in" from his shelf in the wardrobe. Into his new carry on luggage.

I was more offended that he didn't admit to his bad behaviour even at that point, but I was also confused because part of me thought fucking hell this is so obviously caught red handed that surely he wouldn't try to worm his way out of it if he'd brought them on purpose.

That thought lasted about half an hour of me hysterically sobbing while he was angry with me for accusing him. But I ended it as soon as my sobbing was outweighed by blind rage.

I'm sorry OP. I'm sure you have the knot in your stomach that I did that day. Like a gutpunch. Like every other time my ex pulled that shit before the last time. That feeling doesn't leave you once it first happens. I spent over a year in constant anxiety functioning at gutpunch level constantly.

This is it now, it's over. Not only is he disrespecting you with his actions, he's doubling down on the disrespect by telling such absolute insultingly bullshit lies to cover things up.

One condom is the same batch as ours the drawer. One is not. Totally different sell by date

Marriage over I think

I'm sorry OP. It's over, this isn't salvageable IMO.

What a cunt to lie to you even when he's been well and truly caught out.

You'll have the chance to be with someone who treats you nicely and makes you feel wanted and secure.

I know it doesn't feel like that right now but this is for the best long term.

All the condoms from suitcase are gone and there were loads in there

I'm so sorry OP. I can't imagine how awful this is for you. There are tough times ahead but you will get through this.

Thank you everyone.

OP you are so young, you don't deserve to spend the rest of your life unhappy. It will be hard at first, but I think you know the trust is broken.

I think it was irrecoverable because he is a misogynistic compulsive liar and the scales have fallen from your eyes. Somehow this proof of him being unfaithful will make it easier for you to end it without having niggling doubts that you are misjudging him.

Please take good care of yourself.

@JustASmallTownCurl

I am so sorry you have been through this fucking hell too.

Did he ever admit it?