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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I respond to this? DH gone off

112 replies

Perrinelli81 · 14/12/2019 20:43

Dh has been in a bit of a foul mood all day. He does have quite a lot of stress in his life, for context but nothing particularly out of the ordinary this weekend that I know of.
I heard him earlier huffing and puffing about the mess downstairs in the other room.
We have 3 dcs and the 4yo in particular is a bit of a destroyer. I also am not the tidiest and tend to do a blitz every so often rather than picking up stuff every night. The house is a bit messy in places but it’s generally toys from having a good play and not as bad as it is sometimes.

DH had to go out to a rehearsal thing earlier. On his way out he said something like “right I’m going now. Let me know if the mess gets tidied up otherwise I’ll see you tomorrow”. I didn’t really answer. (When he pulls these sort of sulks I tend to go grey rock or whatever the phrase is out of self preservation)

Anyway my first thought was defiance and why should it tidy up - I’ve been busy out at dcs activities today, he’s had more time At home than me and it’s general mess from our shared dcs.

But then I thought it does need doing so I just got the kids to do it with me.

Can see on our app thing that he’s finished his rehearsal, don’t think he’s at a friends or a hotel, looks like he’s just sat in the car somewhere!

Have WhatsApp’d that the kids are asking where he is. That I appreciate the mess was getting him down but that wasn’t the way to go about it, that we have started tidying but it’s not perfect.

He hasn’t seen the WhatsApp yet, or hasn’t opened the message.

How should I respond? Do I call/text to try and get him to come home for the sake of peace and the kids? Or do I leave him to stew, all night if it comes to it?

OP posts:
Viviene · 14/12/2019 20:46

Leave him to stew. Do not give in.

CruellaDeVille2019 · 14/12/2019 20:47

Sulking is a form of abuse. Don't allow him to control you with sulking. I would leave him to get on with it. He has two choices - he comes home of his own accord or he continues to be an arse. Don't call or message him again. The kids are his as well so half of the responsibility for keeping the house tidy is his. It shouldn't all fall on you.

fllinn · 14/12/2019 20:48

I bet he has read your message via pop up notification but not opened the app to make it appear read. I'd ignore him. Do something nice for yourself if you can.

rainbowlou · 14/12/2019 20:49

Honestly, I’d ignore him because I cannot stand sulking!
What was stopping him helping with the tidying up?

Honeyroar · 14/12/2019 20:49

Yes leave him to stew. He’s been horrible. You’re not his slave and the kids making a mess are his too! He should be apologising. If my husband had said that on the way out I’d have replied see you tomorrow then you cheeky sod.

Drum2018 · 14/12/2019 20:52

Your kids mess - you both tidy it up and include the kids in the task.

Original poster
Perrinelli81 · 14/12/2019 20:56

So actually just as I’d finished typing the first post (sorry it was a bit long!) his car pulled into the drive and he’s home now. But still got a gloomy face on and we’re just avoiding each other now. I won’t get an apology - not his style he’s very proud.
He’s maintained an atmosphere for a good few days before.
Maybe I shouldn’t have sent the first message but I didn’t want it to become a thing because all the time he’s like this I have this horrible tense feeling in my stomach.
I try to tell myself I don’t care and he’s just being a twat and will get over it but it does affect me.
Last time (few months ago) we were able to talk about it a bit afterwards and I said how it made me feel, but he just said in that moment when he feels angry/upset he can’t think about how it makes me feel. 😟
We’re sort of plodding along ok ish and suddenly boom he just gets upset about something and I don’t see it coming,
It’s very wearing.

OP posts:
OlivejuiceU2 · 14/12/2019 21:03

I personally wouldn’t tolerate this sort of behaviour and my DP knows it so wouldn’t even try. I have always made him apologise if he has been unreasonable and me the same for him. We try our best to treat each other well but obviously there are times when we snap, that’s OK, but deliberately being in moods to make you feel bad is not.

Lsquiggles · 14/12/2019 21:06

Why is he acting like your dad by telling you to tidy up? He's perfectly capable of doing so himself, I'd be cautious of enabling his expectation that you will 'do as you're told', so to speak.

Grobagsforever · 14/12/2019 21:17

Wow. So you're not being a good little woman so he's being abusive and sulky.

Wanker.

bigchris · 14/12/2019 21:25

I'd sit him down and tell him it has to stop, you can't carry on feeling tense and worried, tidying is a joint effort , if he doesn't stop you want to go to marital counselling

If he says no to that then I'd honestly rethink your marriage , you can't walk on eggshells forever and trust me it doesn't get better on its own sadly Flowers

midep · 14/12/2019 21:27

Is there a reason he didn't tidy today?

AdaColeman · 14/12/2019 21:28

His rushing off is a way to control you.

Although he says that he isn't thinking of how you feel, in fact he is, and he's attempting to control how you feel .
And it works.
He knew tonight that when he left in a huff, then you would feel unhappy and possibly guilty, and you would tidy up the house. Then you contacted him and had a little grovel.
Win win for him, the house is tidy and you've boosted his ego by doing what he wanted and apologising for the untidy house.

Walking away, in order to get a reaction, as he did tonight, is a classic control technique. He's a bully, a clever manipulative bully.

Perhaps look at other areas of your relationship and see if there are situations where he dominates you in subtle ways? What to do about it is a difficult question.

Honeyroar · 14/12/2019 21:29

Tell he bloody well has to start thinking about how his behaviour makes you feel if he wants his marriage to last. You REALLY shouldn’t be tiptoeing around in your marriage to avoid him making you so nervous you feel ill in your stomach. That’s really not a good way to live (or bring your kids up watching).

DillyDilly · 14/12/2019 21:29

He’s being very manipulative, he knew full well you’d acquiesce and tidy up, he was waiting for the text that he knew would come.

I don’t know what I’d do about him but regarding kids toys, start a routine where your kids have to tidy away their toys before bed.

GabsAlot · 14/12/2019 21:33

why cant he tidy up theyre his children aswell

FinallyHere · 14/12/2019 21:37

in that moment when he feels angry/upset he can’t think about how it makes me feel.

As I get older I appreciate what my mother told me, that it's how people react when they are under pressure that shows you what sort of person they are.

Sorry.

TheReef · 14/12/2019 21:39

Why isn't he tidying up too! His house and his kids too.... ffs! If I were you I'd waltz out tomorrow and do something for you, let him look after the kids and tell him you won't be home until he's tidied up

cherryblossomgin · 14/12/2019 21:42

I wouldn't of tidied up. If it bothers him so much he can sort it.

I couldn't live with someone who sulks or who get stressed and takes it out on me.

Cacklingmags · 14/12/2019 21:49

What a sour puss cunt. Tell him to tidy up after his kids or you won't be talking to him etc, honestly just kick him up the arse. Not worth fecking about with this total toss pot. Have some self respect OP.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 14/12/2019 21:49

He's training you to do as he says, or he'll sulk - which makes you feel nervous and ill, so you'll avoid it by running around doing all the grunt work of having DC, instead of him having to parent his own DC.

I won’t get an apology - not his style he’s very proud

That's not him being proud, that's him clearly showing you that you are the lesser partner in your marriage.

ErickBroch · 14/12/2019 22:01

They are.... both of your kids. He is a controlling and manipulative dick.

dontgobaconmyheart · 14/12/2019 22:18

Too proud to give an apology (and all the other issues here) are not things you should be attributing to 'just his way' OP, unfortunately. He is an adult and should be controlling his behaviour and treating you with respect and taking responsibility foe his own house and children, like an adult.

Don't implore him to apologise OP or beg him to come home. Christ, I'd have told him I was embarrassed for him, not coming home for his own kids or just tidying up after them, let alone who he thinks he is speaking to like that. His behaviour is abusive OP and the fact you have tactics in place to deal with the fact is evidence of it. You're in a dynamic where he does what he wants and gets away with it and that doesnt look set to change as you both see him as the dominant partner.

What does he offer you? You deserve more OP Flowers

Original poster
Perrinelli81 · 14/12/2019 22:48

Thank you for all your replies and support
Lots to think about.

Part of me knows of course that this isn’t a healthy way to go on - every few months him having these sulks. Each time over the years it’s happened it does ebb away at the love.

But then I also think that I am hard to live with - he does work long hours so during the week parenting is basically left to me and the mess does accumulate. It mustn’t be too nice coming home to it.

But then I’d rather he’d just have said ‘come on this mess is too much let’s all tidy up together’. Instead of as you all say him seemingly feeling it’s all down to me. He does help in the kitchen and often loads the dishwasher and tidies up after me sometimes, but never picks up after the kids or helps me get them to do it.

I know it’s not great, but as usual I find myself asking myself again is it bad enough to disrupt everything and change my children’s lives?

And I have asked about marriage counselling before - the answer was no, that I should go myself if I feel the need for it Sad

OP posts:
EL8888 · 14/12/2019 22:51

It’s just as much his problem as yours. Why do you have to clean up the mess than your children made? Then being all sulky and dramatic. He needs to grow up