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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I respond to this? DH gone off

112 replies

Perrinelli81 · 14/12/2019 20:43

Dh has been in a bit of a foul mood all day. He does have quite a lot of stress in his life, for context but nothing particularly out of the ordinary this weekend that I know of.
I heard him earlier huffing and puffing about the mess downstairs in the other room.
We have 3 dcs and the 4yo in particular is a bit of a destroyer. I also am not the tidiest and tend to do a blitz every so often rather than picking up stuff every night. The house is a bit messy in places but it’s generally toys from having a good play and not as bad as it is sometimes.

DH had to go out to a rehearsal thing earlier. On his way out he said something like “right I’m going now. Let me know if the mess gets tidied up otherwise I’ll see you tomorrow”. I didn’t really answer. (When he pulls these sort of sulks I tend to go grey rock or whatever the phrase is out of self preservation)

Anyway my first thought was defiance and why should it tidy up - I’ve been busy out at dcs activities today, he’s had more time At home than me and it’s general mess from our shared dcs.

But then I thought it does need doing so I just got the kids to do it with me.

Can see on our app thing that he’s finished his rehearsal, don’t think he’s at a friends or a hotel, looks like he’s just sat in the car somewhere!

Have WhatsApp’d that the kids are asking where he is. That I appreciate the mess was getting him down but that wasn’t the way to go about it, that we have started tidying but it’s not perfect.

He hasn’t seen the WhatsApp yet, or hasn’t opened the message.

How should I respond? Do I call/text to try and get him to come home for the sake of peace and the kids? Or do I leave him to stew, all night if it comes to it?

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 15/12/2019 06:48

This kind of thread divides people. Stay at home Husbands who don’t look after the house are ‘lazy cocklodgers’ and need to ‘step up to the plate’ whereas women can get away with blue murder and still be applauded for just being there for the children.

The reality is that if you stay at home, you do need to look after the home as well as the children. It is profoundly depressing working long hours to support a family and provide them with a decent lifestyle and yet return late to a flee pit. It is also a poor example to set the children.

If you were forced into being a stay at home parent and didn’t want it, it is another matter. However, if you enthusiastically chose the role, like any other job, you cannot just cherry pick the bits you like.

Ultimately, the devil is in the detail. How untidy is it? A few toys is just that and not a big deal, piles of random things on every surface, which are also impossible to clean, is another matter.

If you want a good relationship you have to have a proper discussion and agree a compromise, and then stick to it,

pictish · 15/12/2019 06:50

“ This kind of thread divides people. Stay at home Husbands who don’t look after the house are ‘lazy cocklodgers’ and need to ‘step up to the plate’ whereas women can get away with blue murder and still be applauded for just being there for the children.”

True story.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/12/2019 06:51

@larrygrylls did OP actually say she's a SAHM? Must have missed that

WalkAwaySugarbear · 15/12/2019 07:11

Living in a mess would make me miserable too. The children need to learn to tidy their mess themselves and you both need to communicate better. Sulking and stropping is petulant and benefits nobody.

JoanBonJovi · 15/12/2019 07:12

I think the mess is actually quite bad. And you’re minimising.

BlackSwanGreen · 15/12/2019 07:17

It does depend slightly on the level of mess, but honestly, being messy is nowhere near as bad as being a sulker. He sounds awful.

If he won't consider counselling, how about a marriage course? It's like counselling lite. DH and I went on one a few years ago and it really improved our communication.

GhostEmoji · 15/12/2019 07:26

Every so often either DH or I will have a big huffy strop about the mess in the house and blame the other person for not pulling their weight. It's an outlet for all the other stresses in our lives, for having 2 small messy children, broken sleep, busy days, difficult jobs, and having very little down time. The mess is the physical representation of all that. If I was in a very stressed place and the mess was the straw that broke the camels back I would probably sit quietly in the car for a while too until I felt able to rejoin the household. I don't think I'm abusive...

Can you not manage to work together as a team to solve this and deal with some of the source issues? Some of the previous replies seem extremely over dramatic.

snowqu33n · 15/12/2019 07:28

3 young children are exhausting and I don’t buy the argument that a SAHP should do everything, even on weekdays. It is shared, because it is part of parenting and sharing a household. I often see people derailing threads saying that we would be calling someone a cocklodger if the roles were reversed, but in fact that expression is used when the poster does all the housework and parenting from the moment when they walk in the door from their breadwinner job.
The husband in this case isn’t doing that, and his attitude stinks.
He has fathered his kids, so now he gets to parent them.
If he doesn’t want to work on his communication style in marriage counseling then maybe he should do his parenting through shared custody.
Stonewalling is just another form of domestic abuse.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 15/12/2019 07:33

I'm going against the grain it depends what type of mess it is, if theres toys littered everywhere then I wouldn't be happy and I would expect the DC to tidy it up they are 3 and 6, it our rule in our house. If it got trashed and left I think I'd walked and leave it.

Menora · 15/12/2019 07:36

I think the OP said that the dad was home the whole day, she was not and then he complained to her about the mess when he wanted to go out. So he sat fuming about it all day didn’t pick it up and then had a go at OP for it. All of that is twat behaviour. Who sits indoors looking at mess all day then has a strop about it?

DianaT1969 · 15/12/2019 08:02

I don't like living in a messy home. Not OCD, but it gets me down. As does clutter. Almost blocks my energy to do anything else.
What is your living situation? Do you work? How many DC are at school? If you do work full-time, no cleaner I take it? So there could be practical things to do, such as one toy crate downstairs per child and train them now that toys go back in immediately after, if no, they get binned/given to charity shop. Follow through with consequences, evebmn for the 4 year old.
Create a list of household and family chores that you and your husband agree to and stick it on the fridge.
Look at your storage provision and declutter.
But none of this matters if deep down you think he has checked out, or if you don't want to be with him. Do you genuinely see a happy future with him?

ivykaty44 · 15/12/2019 08:07

There is no way you’ll get a pay rise from your boss if you don’t pull your finger out.

Really you need to be working harder and obviously your manager does need to be managing better, although clearly not micromanaging he needs to be much much more involved...

Original poster
Perrinelli81 · 15/12/2019 08:12

Appreciate all the thoughts
I just don’t know how to see it which is why I posted.
I’m not a SAHM, I work in quite a stressful job too then come home and do all the parenting during the week as he’s not back til about 8.30.

As I said I do appreciate that it must be depressing coming home to a mess but it’s the way he dealt with it.

Basically I was/am afraid to stand my ground more and perpetuate the argument because he has such capacity to stick to his guns and drag out an argument/disagreement/atmosphere for days.

We are not a team, thats the problem. At some point over the last 15 years - probably somewhere between dc 1 and dc 3 we stopped feeling like a team and it’s me and the girls and then him. Which is pretty sad

But I also feel this massive responsibility not to disrupt their lives if it’s not “that bad”. And mostly it’s not great but not terrible. Just these sulks every so often - that’s when I think I can’t do this for another 20 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perrinelli81 · 15/12/2019 08:15

Kids are all at school now.
There is a cleaner.
The house is big so there’s plenty of space for everything but also the toys and mess travel.

I work Monday - Thursday and on Fridays blitz for the cleaner. She does alternate weeks upstairs and downstairs plus kitchen. So this week I spent all Friday morning tidying up kitchen and upstairs, but there was some accumulated toy and craft mess downstairs.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 15/12/2019 08:21

We are not a team, thats the problem

In your posts you describe what you do in the home - what does he actually do at home? Cook, blitz the house ready for the cleaner? DIY? Hoovering? Bath time with the girls?

Menora · 15/12/2019 08:23

I don’t like some of the responses on this thread
It was obvious from the outset that this was not OP letting things slide in the house and the DH behaving like a petulant baby. And now you have confirmed OP that he sees the mess clearing way beneath him and that you should be punished for allowing your children to do it. I mean what would be actually do if he was alone with them EOW? Ask you go come round and clear up mess? Not allow them to play with anything?

Strong reaction from me - my dad hated mess. And behaved like your DH over it. He would throw toys away if he thought they were too messy. And all he did was go on and on about mess but never lift a finger to help

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/12/2019 08:23

He's placed himself as lord and master in the home like a Victorian throwback.

Original poster
Perrinelli81 · 15/12/2019 08:27

He’s really not here all that much in the week but he does DIY and sometimes tidies the kitchen. Sometimes cooks and goes to the supermarket at the weekend.
Does laundry but often (not always) picks out his own stuff!

Pretty much disappears at bed time even if he can hear things getting stressful, only does bath and bed time if I’m out.

He honestly isn’t all bad but has these moments where he can be very cold, and a little bit cruel.

OP posts:
TheReef · 15/12/2019 08:28

Kids make mess, they scatter toys around in a matter of seconds. If he's got kids he has to go cover it won't be today for at least the next 10 years. You BOTH work so you should BOTH today. Wtf is wrong with this man, 'he loads the dish washer' well 'fuck me give the man a medal' he should be doing 50% of EVERYTHING when he's home, not ordering you about . Life's too short to worry about toys being on the floor

TheReef · 15/12/2019 08:28

Tidy bit today

JacquesHammer · 15/12/2019 08:30

He’s not “proud”, he’s a dick.

Next time simply respond “ok, see you tomorrow”.

He’s a bully.

Loopytiles · 15/12/2019 08:31

Couple’s counselling isn’t recommended when there’s emotional abuse. Suggest attending counselling alone.

Dollywilde · 15/12/2019 08:31

@GhostEmoji Every so often either DH or I will have a big huffy strop about the mess in the house and blame the other person for not pulling their weight. It's an outlet for all the other stresses in our lives Same here!

Personally I don’t think he’s wrong to be frustrated about the state of the house, and going and sitting in the car for a bit doesn’t strike me so much as sulking as just letting off some steam - I’ve done it and god knows I’ve seen plenty of posts from women on here saying they’ve gone to sit in the Tesco car park for half an hour because home is just too much.

However... his grumps shouldn’t be impacting on your relationship and family like this. And he should be seeing you as a team, which he’s really not. And frankly if either party in a relationship brings up counselling then the other should take it very seriously indeed.

Does he accept there’s a problem in his communication style at all?

Throwawayteachere · 15/12/2019 08:31

He is not your husband he is a moody extra child/ Tennant.

Honestly if that was my husband I would get my recycling wheelie bin in and Chuck it all around the house. No one would tell me they aren't coming home until I clean!

I cant imagine life without my husband but I would not be dealing with that bratty attitude. Your daughter's seeing you work then do all the cleaner or daddy won't come home isn't going to show them how they should be treated by men, so staying for them can't be your main reasoning.

Loopytiles · 15/12/2019 08:32

And he IS bad: a poor partner and parent.

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