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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I respond to this? DH gone off

112 replies

Perrinelli81 · 14/12/2019 20:43

Dh has been in a bit of a foul mood all day. He does have quite a lot of stress in his life, for context but nothing particularly out of the ordinary this weekend that I know of.
I heard him earlier huffing and puffing about the mess downstairs in the other room.
We have 3 dcs and the 4yo in particular is a bit of a destroyer. I also am not the tidiest and tend to do a blitz every so often rather than picking up stuff every night. The house is a bit messy in places but it’s generally toys from having a good play and not as bad as it is sometimes.

DH had to go out to a rehearsal thing earlier. On his way out he said something like “right I’m going now. Let me know if the mess gets tidied up otherwise I’ll see you tomorrow”. I didn’t really answer. (When he pulls these sort of sulks I tend to go grey rock or whatever the phrase is out of self preservation)

Anyway my first thought was defiance and why should it tidy up - I’ve been busy out at dcs activities today, he’s had more time At home than me and it’s general mess from our shared dcs.

But then I thought it does need doing so I just got the kids to do it with me.

Can see on our app thing that he’s finished his rehearsal, don’t think he’s at a friends or a hotel, looks like he’s just sat in the car somewhere!

Have WhatsApp’d that the kids are asking where he is. That I appreciate the mess was getting him down but that wasn’t the way to go about it, that we have started tidying but it’s not perfect.

He hasn’t seen the WhatsApp yet, or hasn’t opened the message.

How should I respond? Do I call/text to try and get him to come home for the sake of peace and the kids? Or do I leave him to stew, all night if it comes to it?

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 14/12/2019 22:54

Perhaps tomorrow you can go out and as you go tell him to let you know when he's tidied up.

I would not WhatsApp him again. Nor would I reply if he does message. He can sit in the car and sulk as long and as much as he likes.

AnyFucker · 14/12/2019 22:57

Who the fuck does he think he is giving his orders ?

Tell him to roll his sleeves up if he doesn't like the mess. What are you....the fucking housemaid ?

BathHell · 14/12/2019 22:57

He does help in the kitchen and often loads the dishwasher

Oh what a hero, it's so difficult to put plates into a dishwasher, isn't it?

but never picks up after the kids or helps me get them to do it.

Did he not want children?

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/12/2019 23:02

He sounds horrible.

morriseysquif · 14/12/2019 23:04

This is the second thread I've seen tonight with men instructing their wives to do housework and then sulking. Is there a programme somewhere called 'How to Stepford your Wife' ?

EL8888 · 14/12/2019 23:10

^ good question. It’s all very depressing

BIWI · 14/12/2019 23:13

It's Sunday tomorrow, so presumably he's not working?

Get yourself together first thing in the morning and take the car (assuming you drive) and go out. Go out for the whole day

Only communication from you is to tell him that you're out, and you don't know when you'll be back. Oh, and it's a bit untidy and the dishes need to be sorted/the dinner needs to be cooked (whatever) so he needs to make sure it's all sorted by the time you get home. Whenever that will be.

And go! And go somewhere nice, for yourself. The cinema, or a garden centre, or shopping - or wherever.

Radicalradiator · 14/12/2019 23:14

He sounds like a dick. Who does he think he is!?

Honeyroar · 14/12/2019 23:26

So he knows you’re upset in the way he speaks to you and sulks, but refuses to discuss it or address it? And he knows you’d like to go to marriage guidance but he won’t consider it? It’s his way or the highway, isn’t it!

RhinoskinhaveI · 14/12/2019 23:31

He has a very low bar for switching off his empathy doesn't he!
From your description I am finding him rather cold and cruel and I don't expect he will tolerate the same behaviour from you?

Span1elsRock · 14/12/2019 23:33

He's got his own way though, hasn't he?

You've been a good girl and done as you are told because of his behaviour. And you've grovelled for him to come back when you've done what you were told.

You need to break the cycle of not doing this....... however hard. It's not good for your DC to be in a home where one person rules the roost and everyone else is their minion.

Spacebowlisback · 14/12/2019 23:42

What was his rehearsal for OP? Do you have time to yourself for hobbies etc?

Pinkandbluemcdonald5 · 14/12/2019 23:47

God, what is the point of this life. You need to tell him to F off. Do you really want to live like this? We have spent years trying to equal, but men like this are marching over women like they are lord and master. Have some self respect.

What would you say to your daughter, if (when)she ends up with a sulking man?

GabsAlot · 14/12/2019 23:54

He loads the dishwasher wow you got yourself a catch there

jinglebelldogs · 15/12/2019 00:03

You work long hours too. You're parenting on your own by the sounds of it. He sees the kids as your responsibility and he is charge of you all. I'd leave him to be honest. He sounds like a moody controlling cunt.

Whathewhatnow · 15/12/2019 00:14

I had one like this. Note the had. They are crazy-making. The love ebbed away until the riverbed was totally dry. By the end I could not bear to let him touch me in any way, because he was, essentially, quite an unkind person.

Ask yourself this: d'you think he has been stewing all day because of this?

This person is a bully. Doesnt matter if he doesnt push, shove, or even raise his voice. That's what he is. X

snowball28 · 15/12/2019 00:19

I would have said ‘okay see you tomorrow’ and locked the door 😂😂

Warmfirechocolate · 15/12/2019 00:27

I don’t know OP. I’m not you so I don’t know what the situation is, but every few months being in a mood for a couple of days is not necessarily abusive?

I’m being cautious here. There’s a difference from being grumpy and silly, because we do all get that sometimes, and the cycle of abuse. Only you can tell, if you are on it.

Is he fine the rest of the time? Would you say your relationship is respectful and loving? Are there any other red flags?

That doesn’t mean that you should just sit there and take it, and tidy up like a good little woman. But I would be telling him that he has to go sort out his grumps and find a way of destressing. If he really just needs to be a bit grumpy, then tell him we all have off days but in no way must he blame you, or the mess, he has to own it. And do not respond to him by sorting out the mess. He’s gone out and left you with the kids so I’d have been ordering take away as you know. I’ve had the kids!

So talk to him would be my advice. Go to counseling if it’s useful. But consider whether it really is the symptom of ongoing rubbish, or blips. As if it’s ongoing rubbish that’s a more serious problem.

DBML · 15/12/2019 01:32

🤔 I’m torn.

I do not like mess at all and it gets me down terribly. Even drawers have to be very organised or I feel stressed. I do have diagnosed OCD, which is the leading cause of my mess-phobia. If DH makes a slight mess that he doesn’t clean up, I do feel upset. Luckily though, this is not very often as DH is also a very neat person, as is DS.

On the one hand, your DH is quite capable of helping to keep the house tidy, particularly if he likes it that way. He should be contributing to the housework, especially if he has plenty of time to do that.

On the other hand, you mention that you are not the tidiest and I have to be honest, if you don’t make an effort to keep things clean and tidy and contribute to mess, then I’d struggle to live with you too.

Some people will say ‘ oh with with young kids...’, but for me that is not an acceptable excuse. I always kept my house spotless, cleaning with baby in a carrier strapped to my chest or in his play pen. Toys were brought out and put away. Painting was done at the table with mats on the floor and immediately cleaned up afterwards. DH did his part too, washing up, cleaning the bathrooms etc. Teamwork.

It really depends on what you do to contribute towards the mess and the cleaning...and of course we only get one side of that story here, yours.

FlashesOfRage · 15/12/2019 01:59

I was with an emotional abuser like this for eight years. I left him six years ago and I still live with the effects of the expert conditioning he subjected me to.

He was an early riser so I had to be an early riser. If I tried to stay in bed I was lazy and unattractive.

He expected me to do the dishes and all other housework on my days off before he got home (his shifts finished at 2:30). If he got home and I was still doing any chores he would go mad. I was pathetic and lazy because I couldn’t organise myself to do those things earlier.

He expected me to keep on top of tidying his flat (that I got to pay to live in) and the laundry and he could decide at any given moment that it was filthy and I’d been doing nothing because I was such a lazy cow.

He would insult, sulk, leave, silent treatment to make me do things to his expectation.
If I didn’t he would just be worse. You’re so lazy, disgusting, slobby.
If I tried to talk to him about it he would amp it up from sulking to viciously telling me that I was impossible to live with and no wonder I had no friends and my colleagues hated me.
If I cried he would shout at me. Telling me to stop being a pathetic manipulator, that I always tried to make excuses for my laziness.

Day on day out for years till you know it’s just easier to do everything he wants before he notices. You believe that it’s your own fault because you are all of the things he says, you are hard to live with.

Sound familiar maybe? 💐

IdblowJonSnow · 15/12/2019 02:17

I'd just have said that it's the weekend and asked why does he think its just your job to pick up after the kids?
Is he usually a nice bloke? I really struggle with the constant mess of kids so I get his frustration but his behaviour isn't on at all.

Countryescape · 15/12/2019 04:26

Once again a pathetic man child in action. Sulking is a form of manipulation and I don’t know why you tolerate his behaviour. Why do you???TELL him (don’t ask) that unless he goes to counselling with you, the relationship is over because you’ve had enough of his bullshit.

Wallywobbles · 15/12/2019 05:26

How about taking some power back. Yes to counseling for you. And see a lawyer. Get house valued too. Get paperwork necessary for lawyer and then make a decision about your future.

Goldenchildsmum · 15/12/2019 06:28

I see no reason why he can't help tidy up at the weekend to make things nice for you all

In the week when he's working long hours I see no reason why you can't step up and get the house tidy to make things nice for you all

Don't people give and take any more?

However his moods and strops are pathetic

I couldn't tolerate those

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/12/2019 06:43

Who on earth gets angry over kids toys?
Is he not capable of parenting?