Hi Perrinelli
Re your comments in quote marks:-
"Sometimes in my darker moments I find myself almost wishing he would have an affair or something, then it would be clear cut and his ‘fault’ and no one would blame me for throwing him out".
You do not need him to have an affair for you to divorce him; anyway he won't go quietly if at all because he likes having you around to abuse and otherwise mistreat and order about as he sees fit. Also finding another sap/slave with poor boundaries in relationships to cook, clean and otherwise facilitate his life like you do is going to take work and he does not want that.
Who is going to blame you anyway for throwing him out in any case?. Family and or friends?. They may well like him but as I have mentioned before, such people can be quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges and they are also not married to him. You and in turn your children are seeing his abuses of you at first hand.
Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships?. This is really a shit model of a relationship frankly to show them, we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. How would you feel if your children ended up with a version of their father in their own adult relationships?. You'd feel utterly awful. You're currently showing them that this abusive behaviour from him to you is still acceptable to you on some level.
"Ducks in a row - I/we are so lucky that since his parents passed away and we put money into our house I couldn’t stay here but if we sold up there would be enough for us both to get somewhere smaller but doable"
Good. You likely would not want to remain in such a place with all its bad memories in anyway. And you're even thinking of him too although he really does deserve no consideration whatsoever.
"And as you have picked up, I have no fear about coping on my own with the girls since that is basically what I do now".
Indeed. You can and will manage, nay thrive, without him in your day to day lives.
"I would of course worry about how he’d cope with them on his own because his fuse with them can be short at times".
Do you think that such a man, who is really this selfish, entitled, self absorbed and with a short fuse to boot would actually want his children around for say half the week?. No particularly that he is really not all that bothered about them now. He would likely palm them off onto his mother or some other female relative and be crap with him meeting them. He expects you also to do all the scut/grunt work because after all you are female and that is therefore your job in his eyes.
"It’s just such a massive thing to think about.
I think people around us have no idea things are not great (or maybe they do?)"
It is a big thing to get your head around but get your head around this you must. I would think that one or two people have their own private based suspicions about your H. Your children deserve to see a far better model of how relationships are conducted for a start and btw you also deserve better too. Love your own self for a change OP because this man surely does not.
Abuse thrives on secrecy. Start opening up to a trusted person about your life at home and at the very least anyway talk directly to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247. They can and will help you here. You have indeed taken a small but very important step by writing about this on here and for that you should have full credit. This is not an easy thing to write about.
"Maybe I should make 2020 the year I seek counselling on my own if he won’t come".
There is no maybe here; you need to see a counsellor and one who has vast experience of emotional abuse, asap. He has already stated he won't go to counselling so no point in asking him further about this. He is doing you a favour by not attending because joint counselling is NEVER recommended if there is abuse of any type within the relationship.
You cannot answer the question as to what you get out of this relationship now. That in itself speaks volumes.
"He’s gone a bit back to normal today but of course no apology, no mention of yesterday and no tidying up from him!"
You will never get an apology from him nor him taking any responsibility for his actions. This from him is also typical of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. You can expect more of the same from him. And tidying up is "your job" in his eyes because you are lower than him.
"I’m worried about Christmas and how it will be. A couple of years ago he told me to f* off in front of my family when we were cooking lunch (because I asked something about the timing of the turkey vs the veg, can’t remember exactly) and I was so upset and embarrassed. But last year was better than I thought so fingers crossed."
You do realise I hope by now that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. He told you to fuck off in front of your family!. Apart from this being a gross overreaction on his part, it was a bloody awful thing to say to you and also an indication of how little he respects you as a person. He would not have ever tolerated you telling him the same. Was last year only "better" because you were totally subservient to him, otherwise tiptoed around him and asked him nothing?. There is also nothing to prevent him from telling you to fuck off again this year. Don't just merely cross your fingers, make this the last year you are married to this man and make 2020 the year you finally separate from this man, your abuser.