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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help I’m devastated

160 replies

Devastedtoday · 14/12/2019 09:44

Hi everybody I’m new to this so please bear with me. I just really need your help and advice, i’m at breaking point.

So 3 days ago my partner of 23 years left me and our kids who are 21 and 18. I don’t know where he is and he’s attempted no contact with any of us.

Il tell you some background into us, but I’m aware I’m a pathetic woman but here goes. So 15 years ago he left me after I caught him cheating and he moved back to his parents. Over the next 14 years I allowed him to comes whenever he wanted and I’d make his tea he’d see kids and then he’d go home. I begged him every single day to come back and live with us but he wouldn’t. He’d go clubbing 3 times a week with friends and we wouldn’t see him for a few days whilst he recovered. But because I was so weak and desperate I just accepted it. I was scared of losing him even though I didn’t really have him. Iv lost count of number of people that’s contacted me over years and rumours Iv heard about him with other women. I always asked him and he’d deny and say I was pyscho and mentally ill and paranoid. I know now writing this how utterly stupid I sound. Anyway when his parents passed away last year he finally moved back In with us. I was over the moon . To me things were ok and he calmed down with going out although the times he did I often saw pics on social media of his with various women. Again I kept quiet. He chipped away at my self confidence that much I accept anything.

But 3 days ago when I was at work he left out 18 year old daughter at home saying was off to gym at end of our road and he was gone 3 and half hours. She text me to ask if knew where he was so I text him. I’d already had suspicions about that day as he kept asking where I was working that day (I’m mobile) when I got home and asked him he said gym and shop and when I asked what about the other 2 hours he went ballistic. Didn’t attempt an explanation started Punching doors then he did what has broken my heart... he screamed in our daughters face that she caused this called her a b€€€ard. I said don’t you dare speak to her like that to try cover your tracks and with that he packed his case and left. We’ve heard absolutely nothing since.
I’m heartbroken it’s 10 days before xmas he has the kids xmas present money and left me on the floor.

I keep blaming myself for my daughter being so upset, that he did that to her. How can any man blame his daughter to cover getting caught out.

Please help me I can’t eat or sleep. I’m utterly devastated xxxx

OP posts:

sunnydays78 · 14/12/2019 09:51

This is awful to read. You need to move on with your life. Don’t have him back he’s been using you for years. What he’s done to your daughter is disgusting. You know what he’s been doing but you’ve ignored it. Don’t let this man control your life like this

Alpacathebag · 14/12/2019 09:56

By the sounds of it he checked out of your relationship 15 years ago. You need to do the same now. He has been using you and your home for the convenience of having you there, it doesn’t sound like he gives two shits about you.

Keep reminding yourself this is not your fault. HE did this. He cheated 15 years ago and multiple times since. HE has been using you all. HE doesn’t get to control you or your emotions any more.

You need to tell yourself it’s over now. No more. Be strong. X

PlasticPatty · 14/12/2019 10:00

I am sorry you are devastated.

To any outsider, this looks like the best thing that he could possibly have done for you.

He moved back in to get a roof over his head and domestic services now his parents are gone.

Presumably, he was getting sex as well as suppers, over his fourteen-year break? While he lived like a single man? And that's what he continued to do when he moved back in with you.

You will get over being devastated. Just make sure he doesn't get back into the house. Block his phone numbers just in case he tries to call. Then have a bath, take deep breaths, and start your real life. Without him.

Singlenotsingle · 14/12/2019 10:00

You've let him treat you like a doormat for years. He didn't come back to you because he wanted to when his parents died - he came back because he needed a roof over his head and someone to cook, clean and run round after him.

Just close the door now, mentally, emotionally and physically. Pack his bags and leave them out. What he did to your dd is unforgivable.

DBML · 14/12/2019 10:01

Oh god op. He’s abused you all for years. He’s treated you all terribly and this is just so sad to read.

The truth is that you should be more worried about him coming back again, but I know this all feels so painful to you right now.

Think of the years you’ve wasted with this guy, when you could have found someone who really loved you! Think of your daughter who is probably sick of seeing him treat her mother like this. Think of your daughters who may think this sort of behaviour from a man is acceptable, because that’s how they’ve seen their dad treat you.

Be kind to yourself over Christmas. Your daughters will already understand what a twat he is. You need to cut contact. Do not allow him home again or make him dinner. Start afresh in the new year. You can be happy.

Your DH has probably gone to his latest mistresses house. You know this. Please treat yourself better than you have been.

💐💐💐💐

Original poster

Devastedtoday · 14/12/2019 10:02

Thank you both, I can see by me even reading what I wrote just how much of an idiot Iv been. I just can’t bear the thought of him being with someone else. My friends say let the other women take the crap Iv had and I know there right. I just don’t know how to start again and build myself back up from this. X

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 14/12/2019 10:06

Ding dong the sociopath is gone, change the locks and move the fk on :)

He is punishing you for daring to stand up to him by leaving. He'll be back.

Make sure he can't get back in when he does.

Medievalist · 14/12/2019 10:07

Yes, you have been an idiot. You've allowed him to treat you like a doormat for years and have set your dcs an awful example. Do you want them to think this is normal and how relationships work?

Stop crying over this waste of space. How can you shed a single tear over someone who would treat your dd like that? Block all contact with him for your sake and your dcs and move on with your life. As of NOW!!!

Original poster

Devastedtoday · 14/12/2019 10:13

I know I have, and I’m sorry for that. My kids are my world. These messages are helping me so much realise what Iv known all along. I just need to be strong, try rebuild my self confidence and show my kids that this is not acceptable to be treated like this. He has done me a favour, hopefully now I won’t feel like I’m losing the plot daily x

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/12/2019 10:23

Your children aren't babies. They've got a pretty good handle on their dad and how shit he is, I bet. They are adults, you can talk to them like adults, tell them (within reason, of course) that you've had enough and I bet they will help support you through this.

He HAS done you a favour. Now, straighten your spine, take a deep breath and forge headfirst into your new life, without that useless prick that was dragging you down!

MummyMini · 14/12/2019 10:28

My goodness what a mess. I’m going to be harsh here but you’ve put up with this for 15 years- what kind of example are you setting to your 18 year old daughter? That women are doormats and deserve to be treated like shit? Grow a back bone and get rid of him for good. Cut contact completely.

Your children are adults and can facilitate contact with themselves. If nothing else do it for your daughter: she needs to see you being strong.

Original poster

Devastedtoday · 14/12/2019 10:36

Thanks all. I have blocked all form of contact and having my locks changed today. Remainder of his things are packed ready to go. If the kids want to see him they have phones. He’s left me financially scuppered but who needs money when you have they love and respect of your kods xx

OP posts:

Candymay · 14/12/2019 10:40

I’m sorry you’re feeling this pain but I’ve got to say from an outsider’s view this is a really good start for you and the best thing he could have done. You’ll feel pain- it’s natural- but try to hold in mind that this is now a fresh start and a chance for you and your children to have a calm life where you show them how important it is to be respected and how beautiful life can be when you’re single. I wish you some happiness at Christmas. You can do it.

FredaFrogspawn · 14/12/2019 10:44

You poor thing.

Amidst all the other good advice, please keep telling your girl how amazing she is and how grateful you are to have her. It must have been awful for her.

Original poster

Devastedtoday · 14/12/2019 10:55

@fredafrogspawn thank you. I do keep reassuring her and she does me too. She’s a strong young lady. She’s not daft she knows he only did that to cover for himself. I won’t allow anybody to do anything like that to my kids. It’s a shame they love their dad. And a shame he hasn’t even text her to apologise. He is such a nasty man he will somehow in his head blame me for him reacting like that. People are right I need to grow a backbone xxx

OP posts:

81Byerley · 14/12/2019 10:59

@Devastedtoday You need some time to heal and recover from this toxic experience. It wasn't a relationship, he has been like a leech, living at home in comfort whilst carrying on his sleazy life outside. Sit your kids down and talk about it. If he's taken their Christmas money you need to plan a very different Christmas. If you can afford to change the locks I'd advise you to that, and block him on your phone and social media. Tell your children if they need to keep contact with him, to do so, but ask them not to keep talking to you about anything he's doing just for the first few weeks until you're over this initial trauma. They may feel they don't want contact with him, but let that be their decision, don't say anything that will make them feel guilty about contacting him. That is the greatest gift you can give them. At 18 and 21, people may think they are grown up, but I know from my experience of my own break up, also after 23 years, that grown children are still traumatized at the thought of their lives changing. Don't use that thought though as an excuse to try to get this vile man back. What they need is a Mum that will get them through Christmas with a smile...however she's feeling inside. Have you heard of laughter therapy? It's a weird thing that apparently works, I'm not suggesting that you do it, but just saying fake the smiles until they're real.

81Byerley · 14/12/2019 11:02

Glad to see your last two posts which you put on whilst I was writing mine.

Annasgirl · 14/12/2019 11:03

Hi OP, firstly, well done on posting here. It cannot have been easy for you to be so honest. Second, well done for supporting your daughter - that shows you HAVE a backbone and are now willing to use it. You have an inner strength, call on it now.

To-day I would advise you to look up the Freedom Programme and Chump Lady (they are always recommended on here for women in your situation). Perhaps reading that you are not alone in this, will help you continue on.

Also, know that you have support on here, lean on your friends in real life (IRL) and also, be honest with your daughters/son.

Anytime you feel that you need support, post on here and someone will respond. You can do this, many, many, middle aged women have done it and you can too.

Figgygal · 14/12/2019 11:03

Love and respect of your kids don't pay the bills though are you financially independent? I assume so in light of your long standing circumstances

Honestly best thing that could have happened to you

RhinoskinhaveI · 14/12/2019 11:08

you can get through this and this man's life will turn to shit because he is shit through and through
Cut him loose completely, he will wither and disintegrate like the wretch that he is

LidiaM · 14/12/2019 11:10

please dont call yourselves an idiot. you were juat deeply in love and probably still are but thats awful what he has done to you over these years..Its good for you and your kids that hes left, please be strong, you can do it !!!

DodgeRainClouds · 14/12/2019 11:20

If you can’t move on for yourself you have to for your daughter. She has witnessed you being treated like this for years. Now is the time she needs to see you being strong! You got this!

Original poster

Devastedtoday · 14/12/2019 11:21

Thank you all so much. I’d been trying to write this post for hours before posting it. You are ALL helping me far more than you could ever know. I needed people to point out the obvious what’s been staring me in the face. I needed some straight talking.
I work full time and the house is mine not his so yeh il struggle financially alone but we won’t starve. Obviously the ex is loaded and used that as a tool against me but money doesn’t buy love does it. Not sure if I could claim from him for my 18 year old as she’s in full time education. But even so il make sure they have a roof over there head and are fed and loved so so much x

OP posts:

Dollymixture22 · 14/12/2019 11:24

We all make mistakes, we all fall in love and find ourselves bending to that person.

Unfortunately your person was as absolute asshole. That’s him not you.

You deserve to hone happy to be rid of this pathetic man. You also need to show your children that this is an unhealthy relationship. What would you Tell your daughter is someone treated her like this

Walk away with your head held high. Stop being so hard on your self. It will be okay.

fedup21 · 14/12/2019 11:25

I don’t understand why you’ve been begging this twat to come ‘home’ and were overjoyed when he finally did-he cheated on you!

Why has he got the children’s Christmas money (he’s taken it?) and what do you mean he left you on the floor?

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