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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help I’m devastated

160 replies

Devastedtoday · 14/12/2019 09:44

Hi everybody I’m new to this so please bear with me. I just really need your help and advice, i’m at breaking point.

So 3 days ago my partner of 23 years left me and our kids who are 21 and 18. I don’t know where he is and he’s attempted no contact with any of us.

Il tell you some background into us, but I’m aware I’m a pathetic woman but here goes. So 15 years ago he left me after I caught him cheating and he moved back to his parents. Over the next 14 years I allowed him to comes whenever he wanted and I’d make his tea he’d see kids and then he’d go home. I begged him every single day to come back and live with us but he wouldn’t. He’d go clubbing 3 times a week with friends and we wouldn’t see him for a few days whilst he recovered. But because I was so weak and desperate I just accepted it. I was scared of losing him even though I didn’t really have him. Iv lost count of number of people that’s contacted me over years and rumours Iv heard about him with other women. I always asked him and he’d deny and say I was pyscho and mentally ill and paranoid. I know now writing this how utterly stupid I sound. Anyway when his parents passed away last year he finally moved back In with us. I was over the moon . To me things were ok and he calmed down with going out although the times he did I often saw pics on social media of his with various women. Again I kept quiet. He chipped away at my self confidence that much I accept anything.

But 3 days ago when I was at work he left out 18 year old daughter at home saying was off to gym at end of our road and he was gone 3 and half hours. She text me to ask if knew where he was so I text him. I’d already had suspicions about that day as he kept asking where I was working that day (I’m mobile) when I got home and asked him he said gym and shop and when I asked what about the other 2 hours he went ballistic. Didn’t attempt an explanation started Punching doors then he did what has broken my heart... he screamed in our daughters face that she caused this called her a b€€€ard. I said don’t you dare speak to her like that to try cover your tracks and with that he packed his case and left. We’ve heard absolutely nothing since.
I’m heartbroken it’s 10 days before xmas he has the kids xmas present money and left me on the floor.

I keep blaming myself for my daughter being so upset, that he did that to her. How can any man blame his daughter to cover getting caught out.

Please help me I can’t eat or sleep. I’m utterly devastated xxxx

OP posts:
babbi · 14/12/2019 11:26

Don’t put yourself down - what’s done is done ...,. raise your head high with pride that you have raised 2 children with minimal support ...he’s the loser not you .
Walk away and live the life that you deserve ..
you are entitled to be happy ...

Take care and come here anytime.. the ladies here really do care and will help .

Good luck x

RhinoskinhaveI · 14/12/2019 11:32

OP, you will have the love and respect of your children, you will have a warm family life, he will get none of that he doesn't deserve it and he's not capable of sustaining it.
He might think he's got the better end of the deal running around rutting, but how many times can he pack that suitcase and find someone else to put up with him?
He might have money but he'll soon be running out of options.

cheesewitheverything · 14/12/2019 11:38

Don't call yourself an idiot and stop apologising because many of us have got ourselves into situations at times that are not ideal for one reason or another. You also shouldn't be feeling worse because it's Christmas and don't feel the pressure to 'do' Christmas as you usually do. I'm pleased your dd is a strong girl and you are rightly proud. You'll get through this, you will! Best of luck.

Original poster
Devastedtoday · 14/12/2019 11:39

@fedup21 Id already given him my half of the xmas present money as he was going to order the larger items on line. And on the floor as in Iv now got to somehow find the money again to get the presents. But il do it and if I have to cut back on some items, I will. They’ll understand. And I don’t know why I begged him, I just thought nobody else will want me and il be lovely. I don’t have a high opinion of myself

OP posts:
bionicnemonic · 14/12/2019 11:41

You can claim support if your DC18 is still in education but only up to level 3 (so not uni) level 3 includes A levels and some diplomas. You can claim until she is 19 I think as long as that applies (so not uni) same as child benefit. Maybe contact contact the cms www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

bionicnemonic · 14/12/2019 11:44

And maybe reframe the way you have (been taught) to view yourself.
You have a job
You have a home
You have kind strong children
You are now able to show your independent spirit. You can overhaul your life and become stronger, leave him behind you. Do this for you

RhinoskinhaveI · 14/12/2019 11:55

he has deliberately crushed your self-esteem because he knew that that was the only way that you would put up with his horrible behaviour, but still you fought back and you have got rid of him
I think your children are probably old enough to understand the dynamics of the situation?

bionicnemonic · 14/12/2019 11:55

AND! You really don’t need someone to ‘want’ you. You need to love and care for yourself. Your children need to see that. They need to be shown how to get up and keep going when things are hard. That it doesn’t break you. We’re here rooting for you.

lexiepuppy · 14/12/2019 11:57

Hi @Devastedtoday.
You have been brain washed by that nasty abusive man.

Look into doing the Freedom Programme. Call Women's Aid for advice.

Research about narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths these are the main abuser personality types.

Knowledge is power. You will realise that they stick to a formula is slowly grinding you down and eating away at your self confidence/esteem, making you niece that nobody else will want you.

All of it is lies.
I think you all could do with counselling so you see what he has done to you all.

Buy the book by Lundy Bancroft" Why does he do that?"

Look up about trauma bonds , you will be addicted to this man because of intermittent reinforcement. This makes it more difficult to leave an abusive relationship.

Delete him in every way out of your life.
Read up about red flags in relationships.

Watch YouTube videos on narcissistic relationships from Dr Ramani Durvasula, Surviving narcissism Sarah Speaks, inner integration. Narc survivor.

Knowledge is power. Build yourself up.

Love yourself more. Good luck!Flowers

Takethebullbth · 14/12/2019 11:58

When you start to doubt yourself, have a think about how you would like your Daughter to be treated. Would you be so passive in allowing some asshole, to treat her this way?

ItWasntMyFault · 14/12/2019 12:10

Your kids are old enough to know that some presents might come from the sales after Christmas and not on the actual day. They won't mind that.
If your 18 yr old is still at school or college then he will need to pay maintenance but not if she's at uni.
You're well shot of him!

OneDay10 · 14/12/2019 12:11

Ok hes nasty, awful, a cheater etc etc BUT you allowed yourself to be in this position. You were the one chasing and running after him. I dont know how you allowed this to go on 15years. That is almost your entire kids childhood and a huge chunk of your life. I'm not sure what it's going to take to make you wake up and realise how toxic this is.
I'm sure your dd is also sick of this situation. The only thing you can do is let him go and show her that you have finally done the right thing for all of you.

lexiepuppy · 14/12/2019 12:19

niece = believe

Shoxfordian · 14/12/2019 12:38

He's been using you for over a decade. Please look into some counselling because it seems like you have incredibly low self esteem to have allowed this man to take advantage of your good nature for so long. Don't let him come back though, realise you're too good for him

nakedelfscientistOfThigh · 14/12/2019 12:58

What a horrible man! Thank god he's left, imagine if he clung on like a life sucking limpet.

If you ignore him and start again, which you 100% can and should, be aware he may be surprised and try to get back into the home. Do not let him, no matter what he says.

bionicnemonic · 14/12/2019 13:11

And if you’re worried about money a locksmith is expensive but if you take a photo of your lock to a good hardware shop they may be able to sell you just the barrel, then ask them how to change it (it’s easy) and double check on YouTube. Save money and feel empowered!
But please check the legal position; if it’s his house too changing the lock is breaking the law

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 14/12/2019 13:15

Hello everyone

We've had a number of reports from people concerned about this thread so, as we usually do in these circs, we're putting our heads round the door with some important reminders.

Right now we can't see any evidence to indicate that the OP isn't above board – if we did, we'd remove the thread straight away. But the truth is that, sadly, we at MNHQ can't know with 100% certainty that any poster is genuine, no matter who they are or how long they have been here. As frustrating as it is, we're not able to vouch for anyone here.

So we always ask users to remember that not everyone on the internet is who they say they are – and remind folk not to give more to another poster, either financially (in cash or gifts) or emotionally (in time or care and support) than they'd be prepared to lose if things went wrong. We strongly advise against parting with any cash or giving away your personal details, and if you receive a PM which makes you uneasy - report it to us and we’ll take a look.

Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP – we really hope you get it all sorted soon - it sounds absolutely horrible especially at this time of year. In the meantime, you might find some useful information on our guide for dealing with financial difficulty

elizalovelace · 14/12/2019 13:29

Yes you have the wonderful love and respect from your DC, but if you let this vile man back into your life after this then you risk losing their love and respect forever.

Show your DC that nobody has to put up with cruel and nasty behaviour from another person no matter who they are!

You also can't bare for him to be with someone else but he has spent years with various other women so please get it into your head that you are worth more than this life with him and your DC deserve so much more from their parents, it's not about xmas presents it's about showing them normal boundaries in healthy relationships, it's about setting them an example re self respect and respecting others. It's about not allowing that man to continue to ruin your lives.

When you are feeling weak and thinking about taking him back again (oh he will try to come back) think about the love and and respect your DC have for you and do not risk that for that waste of space.Stop being his doormat, be a strong and positive role model to your DC, you can do this!

Original poster
Devastedtoday · 14/12/2019 13:31

Thanks for all the replies. I’m sorry if people thought this wasn’t genuine it 100% is. And just to clarify I’m not asking for money! I’m asking for advice on what is possibly the biggest event of my life. Sorry if Iv offended anybody, I just needed some help and advice as it’s the first time Iv stood my ground.

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 14/12/2019 13:37

I certainly didn't get the impression that you were not genuine OP

RhinoskinhaveI · 14/12/2019 13:40

I agree that you should be very wary of him trying to come back
this period of silence is designed to make you feel desperate for some contact from him, he thinks he is punishing you by withdrawing his presents from your life
It's not a punishment it's a gift, you are now free of him don't take him back block him on everything and if you do have to communicate with him make sure you do it via only one written channel and never respond in real-time only ever respond 24-hours later...well obviously the details of that will change to suit your circumstances but hopefully you'll get the gist!

RhinoskinhaveI · 14/12/2019 13:43

Further, probably the reason he's taking the money is because he wants you to beg him for the money back, he thinks he can rely on that to get a foot in the door when he wants to, this is how he has brainwashed you over the years, all these techniques to control you and mess with your head but now you can see what he's doing you will be able to outmanoeuvre him.

Original poster
Devastedtoday · 14/12/2019 13:49

@rhinoskinhavel I thought the same. I don’t need the money. He can shove it. We’ll survive. Thanks for your good advice. Feel bad that people thought I wasn’t real. I guess Iv been that much of a mug it’s unbelievable to some people. Made me feel embarrassed x

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 14/12/2019 13:54

Don't be embarrassed I'm extremely surprised that someone reported you, you seem completely genuine to me.
It is unbelievable to some people but they haven't experienced it from the inside

Karen2020 · 14/12/2019 13:56

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