Please help I’m devastated

[Devastedtoday]

Hi everybody I’m new to this so please bear with me. I just really need your help and advice, i’m at breaking point.

So 3 days ago my partner of 23 years left me and our kids who are 21 and 18. I don’t know where he is and he’s attempted no contact with any of us.

Il tell you some background into us, but I’m aware I’m a pathetic woman but here goes. So 15 years ago he left me after I caught him cheating and he moved back to his parents. Over the next 14 years I allowed him to comes whenever he wanted and I’d make his tea he’d see kids and then he’d go home. I begged him every single day to come back and live with us but he wouldn’t. He’d go clubbing 3 times a week with friends and we wouldn’t see him for a few days whilst he recovered. But because I was so weak and desperate I just accepted it. I was scared of losing him even though I didn’t really have him. Iv lost count of number of people that’s contacted me over years and rumours Iv heard about him with other women. I always asked him and he’d deny and say I was pyscho and mentally ill and paranoid. I know now writing this how utterly stupid I sound. Anyway when his parents passed away last year he finally moved back In with us. I was over the moon . To me things were ok and he calmed down with going out although the times he did I often saw pics on social media of his with various women. Again I kept quiet. He chipped away at my self confidence that much I accept anything.

But 3 days ago when I was at work he left out 18 year old daughter at home saying was off to gym at end of our road and he was gone 3 and half hours. She text me to ask if knew where he was so I text him. I’d already had suspicions about that day as he kept asking where I was working that day (I’m mobile) when I got home and asked him he said gym and shop and when I asked what about the other 2 hours he went ballistic. Didn’t attempt an explanation started Punching doors then he did what has broken my heart... he screamed in our daughters face that she caused this called her a b€€€ard. I said don’t you dare speak to her like that to try cover your tracks and with that he packed his case and left. We’ve heard absolutely nothing since.
I’m heartbroken it’s 10 days before xmas he has the kids xmas present money and left me on the floor.

I keep blaming myself for my daughter being so upset, that he did that to her. How can any man blame his daughter to cover getting caught out.

Please help me I can’t eat or sleep. I’m utterly devastated xxxx

@rhinoskinhavel me too. Iv not asked for anything so not sure why. Probs just because Iv been such a mug it’s unbelievable. Sadly it’s 100% true. I’m feeling more positive and will look into the advice Iv been given. He’s blocked on everything and locksmith here now changing locks. Iv deactivated my social media’s as I don’t need to see anything and I also want to concentrate on making my kids happy. I just wish I’d done this 15 years ago and I’d be over it by now. Thanks for listening x

You do sound weak but you're stepping up now and that's a good thing. Great news you're changing the locks. Perhaps your dc if they still live at home can contribute to you keeping your head above water temporarily.
Keep talking on here and in RL. Sounds like you need to keep hearing you'll be fine.
Christmas doesn't need to be anything at all except you and dc together.

How can you allow your dd to have that happen to her and then let him crawl back into your life.

(FFS Karen🙄
Is that your idea of being kind?)

@christmasbow he won’t be coming back now, that was the final straw. I think I just needed reassurance I’d be ok which I whu I looked for advice on here. Didn’t need to be called a big baby though by somebody it didn’t help. But I suppose I put it on here so I need to take the criticism. Thanks for your message x

My god, you poor thing....he really did a number on you. But(!) HUGE well done for standing up to him at last! And well done for standing up for your daughter too.

What a disgusting, immoral excuse of a human being he is! How dare he treat you and the kids like that?! The only person responsible or at fault is him. He chose to act like pond scum. I know you don't feel it just yet, but I'm glad he's scarpered. Leave him to his filthy lies and tricks. It means you get your life back - no more worrying about where he is, no more gaslighting, no more him tying you up in knots and you being worried to speak your mind/voice your concerns. You and your children will have a peaceful and happy home/life without him. You don't need him and all his antics.

You don't have any financial or legal ties with him, do you? No joint accounts or anything like that? Hopefully not.

This may be a frugal Xmas for you guys, but try and make some lovely memories and start rebuilding your life. I think you're amazing. Wishing you guys all the very best xx

I really don’t understand why this threat was reported. Don’t let it put you off coming here for help OP.

@tictac80 aww thank you what a lovely message! I hope you have a lovely Christmas too xx

@NotStayingIn I don’t know either. Made me a bit embarrassed as I wasn’t asking for money and it is genuinely what has happened in my life. The messages have definitely helped, it what I needed to hear x

It is hard to leave a relationship sometimes but you haven't even left he's left you.

You're doing a great job now of making the most of his shitty ways so just try to focus on you can do this. Perhaps you feel he's chosen someone else over you and your self esteem isn't what it should be to say fuck him what a lucky lady she'll be. Most people who meet the guys that do this sort of shit stay 5 mins then realise it's not normal they leave and the guy goes running back to wifey when he realised they're the only one willing to put up with it.

I'd definitely get some counselling or apply through your dr if you can't afford it. Would help sort these years of messy living out, it won't happen overnight so give yourself time to breath. You do deserve better and you also should show your dc they deserve better too.

I just can’t bear the thought of him being with someone else

But he's been sleeping with someone else , many someone elses , for years.

Please please please find your self respect - for your daughter if you can't do it for you.

Take care of yourself today. Deep breaths and stretching. Drink lots of water. Put on nice music, light a candle, take a bath, do your hair, give yourself a facial and paint your nails and put on something comfortable basically whatever makes you feel good. Make a nice dinner for yourself and your DC. Decide that you are going to take care if you going forward. Change your routines. Soon I think you will even be relieved this is over. Life doesn’t need to be such a struggle. Everyone deserves happiness. Don’t settle for less.

Oh and keeP Posting here. We are your cheerleaders

@christmasbow I agree il make the most of it. He can be somebody else’s burden now. I will definitely look into counselling. It’s funny because my kids are really strong willed but I think that’s because they’ve seen me being walked over and thought that’s not happening to me. I wish I was a few months down the line when this rubbish bit was over but I’m not so I have to deal with it. And if I’m brutally honest had he not screamed at my daughter I’d of been begging him back now. I was that weak. But he did and as awful as it was it’s given me the push to move on and never go back xx

I’m sorry op just a thought though if you have any joint accounts you need them freezing ASAP in case he clears you out. Ring the bank today if you do

@Goldenchildsmum thank you xx
@HannaYeah I will do that thank you x

PS.......when he comes crawling back (maybe when his money runs out after all his partying, fuckwittery and sleeping around), tell him to go to hell. You gave him more chances than many people would, he still chose to be a complete wanker towards you. Leave him to rot. Thank God, your kids are old enough to decide for themselves whether they want to have anything to do with him.

PPS I found some bloody awesome things for my kids on eBay and Facebay. And our Xmas dinner will be some Quorn roast things with roast dinner trimmings (we're veggie). All pretty inexpensive (I'm a single parent too, and pretty skint).

PPPS It'll be our first Xmas without my alcoholic STBXH causing merry hell, and I can't bloody wait (NB I put up with his nonsense for nearly 6 sodding years, so I kinda get why you held on for so long). It's like I've shed a dead-weight from my shoulders and it's wonderful. You'll feel the same too, I'll bet!

@TicTac80 good on you what an inspiration you are xx have the best xmas!! X

You can do this OP!

But I, like some PPs, fear that he will eventually come waltzing back.

So you need to be really prepared for that and stay strong. Just think, when he comes back it means someone else saw through his shit and refused to be treated like that. That they deserved better. And so do you!

Have a great Christmas and dick free new year.

Have a great Christmas and dick free new year.

Perfect

@NotStayingIn love it

"Don't be embarrassed I'm extremely surprised that someone reported you, you seem completely genuine to me.
"It is unbelievable to some people but they haven't experienced it from the inside"

Not being funny but it's not at all hard to believe that this thread has been reported.
Threads are rife at this time of year and considering certain threads in the past, don't feel all too confident that people are who they say they are !

You'd be a fool to take everything at face value

@balsamicvin I can assure you it’s real. And Iv asked for nothing!

Thanks all. I have blocked all form of contact and having my locks changed today. Remainder of his things are packed ready to go. If the kids want to see him they have phones. He’s left me financially scuppered but who needs money when you have they love and respect of your kods

Keep reading this over and and remain strong, you can do this. Sending hugs

@Devastated I know it doesn't feel like it now but he has given you the best Christmas present you have ever had. He has given you your freedom from an abusive marriage.

You have put up with 15 years of being treated so dreadfully badly. Now you can rebuild your life without him and look forward to a better future. Yes, the shock is awful at the moment but in time that will pass. Life without constantly wondering what he is up to will be so much less stressful.

You don't have to be lonely. I bet being with someone who treats you so badly has felt far more lonely than you will feel being single and free to build a new social life.

Please get counselling. You have endured years of abuse. Counselling will help you get your self esteem back and move on. This time next year you will feel like a different person

Op, you should definitely seek counselling, you sound crushed. Even your posts here are submissive. This man has done an absolute number on you and you wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t feel ‘lost’ without him. You have to recondition yourself to understand that you are worth more; that you can have more; that you will be ok.

It was never that you and your girls weren’t good enough for this idiot...the problem has always been that he’s only truly got feelings for himself. He is the one who will end up a lonely old man, while you will have the love of your family and friends.