Please help I’m devastated

[Devastedtoday]

Hi everybody I’m new to this so please bear with me. I just really need your help and advice, i’m at breaking point.

So 3 days ago my partner of 23 years left me and our kids who are 21 and 18. I don’t know where he is and he’s attempted no contact with any of us.

Il tell you some background into us, but I’m aware I’m a pathetic woman but here goes. So 15 years ago he left me after I caught him cheating and he moved back to his parents. Over the next 14 years I allowed him to comes whenever he wanted and I’d make his tea he’d see kids and then he’d go home. I begged him every single day to come back and live with us but he wouldn’t. He’d go clubbing 3 times a week with friends and we wouldn’t see him for a few days whilst he recovered. But because I was so weak and desperate I just accepted it. I was scared of losing him even though I didn’t really have him. Iv lost count of number of people that’s contacted me over years and rumours Iv heard about him with other women. I always asked him and he’d deny and say I was pyscho and mentally ill and paranoid. I know now writing this how utterly stupid I sound. Anyway when his parents passed away last year he finally moved back In with us. I was over the moon . To me things were ok and he calmed down with going out although the times he did I often saw pics on social media of his with various women. Again I kept quiet. He chipped away at my self confidence that much I accept anything.

But 3 days ago when I was at work he left out 18 year old daughter at home saying was off to gym at end of our road and he was gone 3 and half hours. She text me to ask if knew where he was so I text him. I’d already had suspicions about that day as he kept asking where I was working that day (I’m mobile) when I got home and asked him he said gym and shop and when I asked what about the other 2 hours he went ballistic. Didn’t attempt an explanation started Punching doors then he did what has broken my heart... he screamed in our daughters face that she caused this called her a b€€€ard. I said don’t you dare speak to her like that to try cover your tracks and with that he packed his case and left. We’ve heard absolutely nothing since.
I’m heartbroken it’s 10 days before xmas he has the kids xmas present money and left me on the floor.

I keep blaming myself for my daughter being so upset, that he did that to her. How can any man blame his daughter to cover getting caught out.

Please help me I can’t eat or sleep. I’m utterly devastated xxxx

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words it’s what’s getting me through this. He has rang my eldest saying your mums blocked me tell her I want a time to collect my stuff. How heartless. Il leave it in garden tomorrow as he’s getting no where near me or the door

Well done OP. This man does not deserve to set foot in your house again. Keep reading this thread to remind yourself of all the reasons why you must not allow him to wheedle his way back into your life.

You deserve so much better than the crumbs that he tosses you. Being single, completely independent and not being abused will be a million times better than being with a man who wants to treat your home like a hotel while living the life of a single, not very nice man.

It's NEVER too late to decide to value yourself. I know it can be hard to forgive yourself for years that feel wasted, but they weren't wasted, it just took you that long to get to this place now. Just let him go. Don't look for him, don't under any circumstances allow him back. He has abused your self worth and trust in such horrible ways.

Let today be the day you start taking care of yourself. Get therapy if it will help. Spend time on your hobbies. If you have none, get some. Take care of your health, wealth and happiness! You got from today forward to make the most of your life, without the baggage that piece of crap is.

So sorry to hear of all the shit you’ve had to put up with OP, you’re definitely better off without him! Some great advice from PP regarding support websites etc and I’d also recommend counselling, I have found it really helpful in the the past! As to why this was reported, I’m baffled; I can’t see any ‘begging’ or similar? Glad the vast majority of replies are supportive!
Please do not engage with him when he turns up for his stuff. Have somebody with you for moral support if need be. You just don’t know how you will react to seeing him, nor if he will employ any tactics to get around you again. Stay strong! Hugs!

leave it in garden tomorrow as he’s getting no where near me or the door
good! Send a clear message that the door is locked and bolted, there is no pathway back to you, I would try and avoid having the children act as go-betweens if you can, at least dont participate in any message relaying and make it clear to them that it's not their job to convey messages

There are, unfortunately, always lots of begging threads on Mumsnet, especially around Christmas.

I'm baffled why so many of you can't understand why this thread has been reported! Some of you are very naive - or probably haven't seen this kind of thread play out here.

That said, I will take MNHQ's word for the veracity of this thread, and wish you all the best @Devastedtoday. Unfortunately there are so many trolls around that it impacts on genuine posters and their dilemmas.

@biwi this thread was to help me with advice and support. At NO point did I even imply I wanted money or anything else other than advice. I wouldn’t dream of it!
@Haffiana Iv reported your comment stating I’m desperately needy when I’m clearly crying out for some help! It’s people like you with your nasty opinions that get people down. Out of all the messages yours is the only nasty one! Shame on you for kicking somebody when there down

@Devastatedtoday - I'm glad this thread has been helpful. But I do need to point out that @Haffiana isn't being nasty. She's pointing out one of the reasons why people might have thought this thread wasn't genuine.

Sadly there are so many of them that there are some key signals that all might not be as it seems!

Hopefully that's not the case in this instance.

Sorry - that's not very clear. When I say 'sadly there are so many of them' I mean that there are so many begging threads on MN these days.

@Devastedtoday I am not kicking you in the slightest, and it is bizarre that you find my opinion nasty.

In fact it is bizarre that you want my post deleted when you claim that you want advice. Do you only want advice that follows a certain narrative?

Well he's a nasty bastard isn't he!

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but honestly this is the best thing that could've happened to you. He's set you free! Free to have a lovely life without worry and stress. A chance to find a man that worships you and gives you the love and respect you deserve.

Make next year the year for you. You've wasted way too many years on this spiteful, manipulative and selfish piece of shit. You deserve so much better

I have to say, I find it quite hard to be sympathetic op. I don't understand people who don't put their dcs first. Yes he's been horrible and treated you like shit. But you've allowed him to do that. The pair of you have set your dcs an appalling example and, as this has been going on for 15 years I can't imagine they've had particularly happy childhoods.

If you hadn't allowed this situation to continue the verbal abuse of your dd wouldn't have taken place.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I think you need to take some responsibility for enabling his behaviour. You say your dcs love him. A clean break is needed - was needed many years ago - so they can rebuild their relationship with him independently of you. And you can rebuild your life. Don't look back.

Glad to see you're taking control, it feels good to be in charge.

I'd unblock him, text him his stuff is on the lawn, and then block him again. Chuck his stuff on the lawn, and leave him to it. Tell your dc you're happy if they want to continue a relationship with him, but he's not to be allowed back in the house, and you don't want any messages passed onto you via them either.

I strongly suspect, when he's finished with his latest fling he'll come crawling back. You'll need to steel yourself against that. But also look forward to telling him to 'fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck off'

@Medievalist WTAF? Blaming OP for his appalling behaviour towards DD because she didn’t leave sooner? Take responsibility for enabling his behaviour? He’s an adult man who should know better than to treat his wife and children like pieces of shit! I’m actually lost for words by your comment!
OP, please do not let anyone tell you that you are responsible for his treatment of you!

I stand by what I said. The op needs to realise her part in allowing this appalling situation to continue. If she realises that she may be less likely to waiver in a few weeks when he asks to come back.

OP needs to realise that she is worth more than to put up with shit, yes. And I think she has, going by her more recent posts. That does not, however, mean that she bears any responsibility for his disgusting behaviour. His choices, his actions. To suggest otherwise is totally absurd.

That does not, however, mean that she bears any responsibility for his disgusting behaviour

That's not what I'm saying
Of course she's not responsible for his behaviour. But she is responsible for allowing him to inflict that appalling behaviour on her and her dcs over a 15 year period.

@Rockingaroundthexmastree thank you from the bottom of heart for standing up for me. Iv been in absolute tears this past half hour and im now blaming myself for what he did to my daughter. I feel like utter shit now. Thank you tho for supporting me. I appreciate it. Xx

We're still with you and supporting you OP. Keep posting

@TheReef thank you so much x

He's 100% cunt. No doubt about it.

Hindsight is easy. Don't look back, you can't change the past. Time to look forward. New year, new you. Good luck!

What nice things have you got planned for Christmas now dick features has gone?
Does DD like grown up bubble bath or a nice scented candle?
What about other DC?
Try to think ahead short term with short term goals.
Long term, do you have any joint accounts or finances that need sorting?
What does your will state?
Do you have life insurance that needs redirecting?
Good luck 💐

@Medievalist I agree with you. To spend that long subjecting DC.
You didn't deserve this but children having to put up with that for 15 years

@Medievalist so she is to blame for allowing herself and her kids to be abused?

Really?

That’s exactly what abusers want their victims to think. It’s your fault, you are allowing this to happen. No it’s not, and it’s never as simple as the old MN adage of simply to LTB.