Please help I’m devastated

[Devastedtoday]

Hi everybody I’m new to this so please bear with me. I just really need your help and advice, i’m at breaking point.

So 3 days ago my partner of 23 years left me and our kids who are 21 and 18. I don’t know where he is and he’s attempted no contact with any of us.

Il tell you some background into us, but I’m aware I’m a pathetic woman but here goes. So 15 years ago he left me after I caught him cheating and he moved back to his parents. Over the next 14 years I allowed him to comes whenever he wanted and I’d make his tea he’d see kids and then he’d go home. I begged him every single day to come back and live with us but he wouldn’t. He’d go clubbing 3 times a week with friends and we wouldn’t see him for a few days whilst he recovered. But because I was so weak and desperate I just accepted it. I was scared of losing him even though I didn’t really have him. Iv lost count of number of people that’s contacted me over years and rumours Iv heard about him with other women. I always asked him and he’d deny and say I was pyscho and mentally ill and paranoid. I know now writing this how utterly stupid I sound. Anyway when his parents passed away last year he finally moved back In with us. I was over the moon . To me things were ok and he calmed down with going out although the times he did I often saw pics on social media of his with various women. Again I kept quiet. He chipped away at my self confidence that much I accept anything.

But 3 days ago when I was at work he left out 18 year old daughter at home saying was off to gym at end of our road and he was gone 3 and half hours. She text me to ask if knew where he was so I text him. I’d already had suspicions about that day as he kept asking where I was working that day (I’m mobile) when I got home and asked him he said gym and shop and when I asked what about the other 2 hours he went ballistic. Didn’t attempt an explanation started Punching doors then he did what has broken my heart... he screamed in our daughters face that she caused this called her a b€€€ard. I said don’t you dare speak to her like that to try cover your tracks and with that he packed his case and left. We’ve heard absolutely nothing since.
I’m heartbroken it’s 10 days before xmas he has the kids xmas present money and left me on the floor.

I keep blaming myself for my daughter being so upset, that he did that to her. How can any man blame his daughter to cover getting caught out.

Please help me I can’t eat or sleep. I’m utterly devastated xxxx

If it was just me in a relationship then I could probably understand more, but throw my children into the mix for 15 years?
NO FUCKING CHANCE !!A

Just like to point out my kids haven't seen any of this other than on Thursday when he shouted at my daughter. All they’ve ever known is him coming playing/spoiling/interacting with them then going to his own house. Anything else was completely seperate. They thought that was normal. I’m fiercely protective over them and always have been. Which is why they love him and why it was such a shock when he turned on my daughter. And the second he did he was gone. I’m trying my hardest to move on but me now beating myself up thinking I caused it isn’t helping. Yes I should of been stronger and got rid when he first did it I know that. But I didn’t I thought I could make it work and was trodden down so many times I couldn’t get back up. As much as it’s hurting me I know he’s done me the biggest favour of my life. I have made an appointment to see a private counsellor next week after getting advice from nhs today. Please can I ask nobody else blames me. Yes I’m a very weak person but thanks to some lovely people on here Iv had some good contacts given to me which Iv used. So thanks x

I don't think you're weak, I think your a victim of emotions and manipulative abuse. What you've described sounds like trauma bonding to me. You did what was right for you and your kids and now your choosing a different right for you and the kids. Just be kind on yourself. You're esteem and self worth are probably at rock bottom, I was where you were and thought nothing of myself. I'm still working on it. But one day you'll wake up and be grateful you're not wondering where he is anymore. Because you'll be free.

@Devastedtoday it is very very rare that the dc are unaware of abuse in the home.
Counselling should help point this out to you as well. Your dc have almost definitely suffered as a result of you staying for so long. Not least because of how trapped you were. Anyway you're doing a good job.
Like pp have said don't let your dc be a go between him. They are now old enough that you should never have to hear about him again and s such I would ask them not to involve you anymore.

oh this post made me so sad. Please stop saying you're stupid and an idiot. You're not. You're wonderful and you have your daughters who love you more than anything, and thats the most important thing in the world. This horrible man has gradually broken you and your self esteem down over years of abuse to make you feel like you aren't important, and your feelings aren't valid, but they are. You need to take some time now to look after you. Be kind to yourself. Heal emotionally and mentally. You can recover from this and you can move on. Remember you're kind, beautiful and powerful. You gave life to your kids, now go and give some life to yourself. (And for goodness sake don't you dare take him back when he comes crawling back, as he inevitably will at some point in the future) x

OP, I don't blame you, you your children know that they are valued and loved.
Please try to ignore the people who are being spiteful.

@RhinoskinhaveI where are the people who are being spiteful?

@CurlsandCurves -

so she is to blame for allowing herself and her kids to be abused?

Well he left the op 15 years ago and for 14 years since then she says she "begged him every single day to come back and live with us", even though she knew he was continuing to see other women.

This situation only continued for so long because two adults allowed it to.

OP, your children knew. There is no point deluding yourself that they didn't. I don't think that is helpful going forward.
They thought that was normal
Yes, they did. The dynamics of your relationship, the abusive nature of it and your low self worth was their 'normal'

Now that you have realised you can't continue this way, I wish you all the very best.

The OP has come on here for support and advice, let's not kick her when she's down. This isn't AIBU, it's on the relationship board.

She's taken positive steps and is no longer with this man, why don't we try and keep this to help and support otherwise she may not read or post, and will miss out on invaluable advice etc. The posters who are criticising her m, are simply validating that she is an idiot and stupid (the OPs words).

@Medievalist I already asked in my last message not to blame me yet your still here saying it. So you think by blaming a victim of emotional abuse is acceptable, saying it’s the victims fault for allowing it and saying it’s victims fault the daughter was verbally assaulted? Are you for real. Actually for real. Until you’ve been in that situation keep your thoughts to yourself like people and myself are telling you. It’s unhelpful cruel and downright inappropriate. I ASKED FOR HELP AND ADVICE NOT CRITICISM Me questioning myself after all that was the reason that what happened to me last night happened. So stop now. You’ve made it worse

@DevastatedToday

I am trying to make you understand that you have - and always have had - power in this relationship.

You say "I ASKED FOR HELP AND ADVICE NOT CRITICISM". Well my ADVICE to you is to accept the above in order to make sure you never allow yourself to drift back into this toxic relationship. I'm not going to say, as others have done, how awful that HE'S done this to YOU. That makes you seem powerless and you're not.

And you need to stop talking about him as your partner of 23 years. He left you 15 years ago and you just got back together for one, very unsatisfactory year.

OP...perhaps start planning a new future...I know this is from the dread DM but I bookmarked it a while ago as I thought it was potentially empowering
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7416909/Why-midlife-woman-needs-power-decade.html

This litrally broke my heart reading.
Lovely... He's picked at you over so many years that you have zero self worth left, you feel like you don't matter if you're not mattering to him. He enjoys this. It's absolutely disgusting. If ever I've heard of narcissistic abuse... It's this! Please don't let him keep doing this to you or your children. Seek help through the doctors to get some therapy. Work on your self worth and you'll realise that peice of shit has been sucking the living soul out of you for all those years!
You can't heal in the same environment as that what broke you. This is your life, start taking back your control xx

Wow there's some real spiteful bitches on very high horses on here!! Have some compassion ladies and think yourself lucky you're of a different strength. This lady is asking for help.

@Devastedtoday ignore @Medievalist you'll have people who have no idea what abuse is and how people can endure it for so long. It's just ignorance speaking. You've lived through it so no need to feel any worse than you already do. How're you feeling today?

@Dorri82 Couldn’t agree more!

OP, how are you doing? We’re all routing for you! Hugs! xxx

@doris82
@RockingAroundTheXMasTree @spookysamhainwitch

Thank you all for your positive messages it is lovely of you. I had a very bad day yesterday blaming myself for putting my children through this. Luckily my family all rallied around me and I’m feeling a bit better. Xx

@bionicnemonic thanks lovely I will take a look x

@Medievalist FYI I had to see an urgent mental health doctor yesterday.... who told me under absolutely no circumstances EVER should I blame myself for what has happened and that I was indeed a victim of mental abuse. Also that the only person to blame is the perpetrator aka my ex. So, although you May of been trying to help, you Did not. In hindsight maybe as I was so down I should of sought professional advice rather than on here as it does clearly people arnt professionals , I was just desperate. So please please if anybody else does post whos in a similar situation please I beg DONT blame them. Thanks

People who have been abused for years and years are so beaten down it's hard to think straight. Abusers make sure your focus is on them. Trauma bond; it's like a cult brainwashing.

So please have a bit of compassion for OP.
She needs some encouragement now.

OP, maybe you could think of this as your Christmas miracle. One where you get to start a new peaceful life. Please see about the Freedom Programme and other resources mentioned in this thread. Having face to face support with a counselor will help build you up again. If you like, you could buy yourself a lovely journal for 2020 to write in and plan your hopes and dreams. It's amazing when all the space he took up is clear and you start to think of things you've always wanted to do, go, see and you start to make that happen.

@rantyanty thank you for your kind words I will look into that and the journel is an excellent idea. I’m going to brave work today, I have clients I don’t want to let down. Hopefully take my mind off things xxx

@Devastedtoday if you are now under the MH team they should be able to help you get counselling and support to come to terms with the years of abuse you have endured.

I think it's disgusting the way some posters have accused you. Unless you are living someone's life, it is impossible to know exactly what they have been through, how much they have been manipulated, how clever their abuser has been or how much they have been controlled. Mental abuse is sometimes harder to escape from than physical abuse abuse because you don't always realise that you are being controlled erc. You have probably been depressed for years and depression makes it very difficult to leave your abuser - I have been there and know exactly what it is like.

Yes, it is awful what you have been through. Try looking on this as an opportunity to start the rest of your life abuse free. You will look back on this time in a year or two and realise how much better you are without such an arse in your life.

You need to accept the situation first. It's hard - took me 5 months to realise that this was it (and no back story like yours) I too cooked for him etc! But it's now nearly a year, I've got a new relationship and I'm truly happy for the first time in years. Be strong, put yourself first, you deserve happiness and unconditional love