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Original poster

Why can’t I forgive my husband?

121 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 11/12/2019 19:20

So we’ve had a shit past couple of years. We’ve been together for 15 years and married almost 10 years. Three children. We’ve had a great relationship mainly...a few ups and downs, been through some tough stuff but always stood by each other and came through still smiling.

But two years ago I was pregnant with our third child after a six year gap between kids. She was planned but DH changed his mind way too late into my pregnancy. He became quite unpleasant to me at a time when I needed his support and things got worse after our baby was born. He basically withdrew from family life, rejected our daughter, was vile to me and made me feel like a complete failure of a mother, started drinking too much and went to the pub instead of coming home, threw himself into work and all the networking, conference and social side, basically to avoid coming home, started a friendship with a much younger woman that he hid from me and lied about. He definitely crossed a line with her in my view in terms of texting her at weekends (nothing sexual), emailing her about about non-work stuff and signing off with kisses, inviting her to accompany him to networking events, giving her lifts to conferences and not ever mentioning it to me. He later admitted he fancied her but swears nothing physical happened. I still have niggling doubts about that but he’s now cut her out.

He put everything down to struggling to adapt to baby number three, and needing escapism and an ego boost. We did couples counselling which was helpful and brought us closer together for a while and we’ve been getting along pretty well recently, but things just aren’t the same.

I just feel like something has broken that can’t be fixed. It’s not our whole relationship though, just a part of it, but compared with our previously great relationship it just feels a bit substandard and I feel sad and angry at DH for doing this to what was a really happy family. I really want to forgive him and move on and be happy again, but I just can’t. I’ve seen a side of him thatI despise and have zero respect for and it’s tainted my overall picture of him. I just don’t see him in the same way.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break my family up because of my inability to let go...yes, he was an absolute shit, but this was one period during a 15 year happy relationship where he’s been a fantastic partner and Dad. But at the same time, I don’t know whether I can spend the rest of my life in this slightly weaker but not dreadful marriage knowing that it will never be the same as it was before. Will things ever get better?

OP posts:

turkeyontheplate · 11/12/2019 19:24

Honestly, I couldn't get over that and I don't think you should tie yourself up in knots trying to. His behaviour was appalling. I don't believe a good, committed, mature man would behave that way. There is no excuse that would be good enough - and he doesn't have any, does he?

I would call it a day. I'm sorry if that isn't helpful

Vgtasd · 11/12/2019 19:26

This happened to me 14 years ago when I was pregnant with my second child, hubby was smitten with a woman at work, I begged him to stay and we worked through things, but I was never able to forgive, he's a great dad but I felt so vulnerable and alone back then, I've since left him, I don't think you ever forget how you are treated at major times in your life, big hugs and trust your gut xxx

Loopytiles · 11/12/2019 19:28

He let you down and you don’t have the truth about his affair. Your feelings make sense.

Savingforarainyday · 11/12/2019 19:30

How long was he a dick for?

Ihatefootball86 · 11/12/2019 19:32

Wow. Funny how men seem to get the option of just opting out of family life. I'd be suspicious about the woman as well tbh..sorry.

It's up to you if you can forgive him but it doesn't sound like you can and I can't say I blame you. Being pregnant and having a new baby is such a massive thing to go through and you had to go through him being horrible to you and rejecting your new little girl.
How remorseful is he?

pallisers · 11/12/2019 19:32

He let you down badly and at the very best he was contemplating being unfaithful to you.

How is he about this time? Is he mortified, upset, horrified at how he behaved, concerned that you know it was a kind of breakdown and he bitterly regrets it? Or is he more saying well I shouldn't have but I needed the break from family life.

I wonder if you find it hard to get over because you don't feel he feels the same about that time as you do - that he thinks it was a bit of bad behaviour whereas you see if for what it was - a deep betrayal and abandonment at a time you were very vulnerable.

bobstersmum · 11/12/2019 19:33

I couldn't get over it myself. If you want to then you really need to try but I don't know how you can make yourself forgive him. He behaved horribly and he did all that when you were in a position that HE got you into and when you needed him the most.

HypatiaCade · 11/12/2019 19:34

The trust you had in him to always be there for you, to always have your back, and to always prioritise your family is gone. Because he didn't and sadly that shows that he is capable of doing it again.

But was this really a singular blip or have there been other far more minor indications that he's capable of such selfishness?

Because everyone is capable of minor aberrations, and in all honesty no relationship can stay the same. We all show the more unpleasant parts of our personality at some point.

Your relationship may not be the same, but maybe it's more honest?

Only you can say if the relationship is one you want to stay in.

RandomMess · 11/12/2019 19:36

Two years isn't that long in terms of forgiving him. DH really let me down for a couple of years, completely withdrew, I nearly moved out etc. It took 4/5 years to get over it and forgive but it will never be like it was, but he is forgiven if that makes sense.

CanIHaveADrink · 11/12/2019 19:41

Imo in that sort of situation, things can’t go back to what they were before.
They can stay substandard as you say or they can change and be stronger/better but they will always be different iyswim.

I also think that, to allow that change to happen, you BOTH need to our some work in, nit just you. It’s great he has agreed to do some couple counselling but I think it has just scratched the surface. Enough to give the impression everyone has moved on when actually he has gone back to how he was before and you have been left to deal with the aftermath on your own.
I think you need a discussion with him about how you have lost some respect for him and how you think he could regain that respect. Maybe more counselling (addressing the bits you/he managed to avoid because they are the ‘ugly’ parts - which includes the feelings you are describing) would be a good idea too if you want to do your best to save the relationhsip.

SugarThreat · 11/12/2019 19:41

I'm also wondering about the other woman and how he is with your child now, as well as how he sees that time.

I would not forgive this.

HamAndPineapple · 11/12/2019 19:42

I think you'd be drowning out all of your natural instincts if you forgave, or overlooked that.

He was horrible to you when you were pregnant! He checked out of a planned pregnancy.

That is a huge betrayal.

I bet you all the tea in china that he met the younger woman just before he started ''being vile''.

If you ignore your inner voice which I think is telling you that your standard is above this, then you'll end up eroding yourself.

Chamomileteaplease · 11/12/2019 19:43

Did it shock you that he could behave so awfully? ie was it out of character?

Is he remorseful? I mean, really remorseful?

And unfortunately it sounds from what you have said that it was only because this woman didn't respond to his invitations that nothing happened .

For me, it would depend on what he is like now. and it would have to be pretty bloody amazing

ToBreatheAgain · 11/12/2019 19:44

Some similarities to my situation, in that DH really let me down when DC3 was born. Leaving it all up to me, angry outbursts from him. I wanted to fix things, but I can't trust him anymore. He won't take any responsibility for his behaviour and he minimises it and dismisses my feelings. My trust in him is completely broken and he's not willing to do anything to fix that, so we can't come back from this.

I don't know if that's the case for you, but I think in your situation my trust would be broken too. And that's really hard to come back from especially if the other person isn't willing to do anything to regain that trust.

HamAndPineapple · 11/12/2019 19:45

As @SugarThreat says, two things going on. Even if he had strayed with a woman who caught his eye while you were pregnant, that would be BAD ENOUGH.

But there is something I would choke on that, half way through a planned pregnancy he not only had doubts that he silenced but he outwardly demonised you (to feel better about himself I guess). That is weak. He couldn't take responsibility for his own roving eye, or his own doubts or his own fear of the increased responsibilities. All of that could be talked through I think (I don't know).

But there's something about the fact that he was deliberately vile to you while you were pregnant that would never sit right with a woman with healthy self-esteem.

Original poster

CoffeeChocolateWine · 11/12/2019 19:48

How long was he a dick for? Probably about 12-15 months....that was from just over halfway through my pregnancy until my daughter was about 9 or 10 months.

How remorseful is he? Well, he’s said he sorry for his behaviour, for hurting me and for breaking the trust lots of times, but it’s almost always followed with ‘but for once in my life, I needed to put myself first and I needed escapism’ or something along those lines so there is a part of me that thinks he still feels he can justify it which makes me feel that if we find ourselves in a crisis again he would do it again.

To the people who say they couldn’t forgive it, there are times when I feel this way too. But then I think that no one is infallible, he had a crisis, behaved appallingly, but has since made a big effort to put things right. He adores our daughter now and is wonderful with her. Does a man who has been a great partner for 13 years, but had a crisis for a period, not deserve a second chance? Or does he deserve to lose his family? I don’t know the answer...it’s something I’m wrestling with. But the fact is that I feel differently about him.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 11/12/2019 19:52

He didn't have a crisis. You did.

No, I couldn't forgive that.

RandomMess · 11/12/2019 19:57

He doesn't actually sound remorseful or accept that he REALLY hurt you.

He's not actually had an epiphany that he needs to change... by that it may be more a case if going "yep I was a completely selfish dick and their is no justification for what I did"

SugarThreat · 11/12/2019 19:58

I don't think I would think about it in terms of what he deserves - you wrote "does he deserve to lose his family". I think that's a view that centres him, if you get me. You didn't consent to this - this wasn't the relationship, treatment, dynamic you signed up for, and it's okay to walk away. You do not have to keep working and working and trying and trying on this one - he let you down, and changed the world. It's up to you whether you accept the new terms or not. How he might feel about your choice, what he deserves and so on, isn't really your concern. He's a grown up, and he made these choices for you without you getting a say. You're not responsible for him. You did not deserve this, and it's okay to not be okay with it.

TowelNumber42 · 11/12/2019 20:01

It's nice that you had couples counselling, though that does rather smack of it having been something two-sided not major betrayal plus abandonment by one party.

When you see an ugly side to someone's character you can't unsee it. You can't unknow it. It isn't like an event that happened for a short time and is over now. A curtain was opened for a short time that let you see something unpleasant. The unpleasantness is still there even though the curtains are closed.

If I were you I'd go for individual counselling to work through my feelings.

pallisers · 11/12/2019 20:02

imo this is why you cannot feel the same about him. And "for once in my life I needed to put myself first" what an arrogant selfish LIE. I bet he puts himself first lots of times. And even if he did - yeah he puts himself first by going off to the cup final with the lads when you are just home with the baby. Selfish enough but limited. NOT ignore his own child for 9 months and nearly (or did he?) screw over your own wife.

Sorry OP but I think the reason you can't get over this is because he isn't really that bothered by what he did.

pallisers · 11/12/2019 20:03

and agree with other posters - go for individual counselling so you can get some of this straight in your own head. And stop worrying about what he deserves - what do you deserve?

CanIHaveADrink · 11/12/2019 20:05

So actually he has no remorse at all for what he did.
But he is sorry that he did that because he is sorry for himself, when he realised he was going loose it all.

I’m not surprised you are struggling to move on!! No way anyone can ‘forgive’ someone who isn’t even remorseful of the hurt he has done.

AnyFucker · 11/12/2019 20:06

Because what he did was unforgivable, that is why

LucyLocketss · 11/12/2019 20:07

Put very simply - you've gone off him because he's behaved appallingly. And now you've gone off him, you're realising it might be permanent for you.

And that's his own fault

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