Why can’t I forgive my husband?

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

So we’ve had a shit past couple of years. We’ve been together for 15 years and married almost 10 years. Three children. We’ve had a great relationship mainly...a few ups and downs, been through some tough stuff but always stood by each other and came through still smiling.

But two years ago I was pregnant with our third child after a six year gap between kids. She was planned but DH changed his mind way too late into my pregnancy. He became quite unpleasant to me at a time when I needed his support and things got worse after our baby was born. He basically withdrew from family life, rejected our daughter, was vile to me and made me feel like a complete failure of a mother, started drinking too much and went to the pub instead of coming home, threw himself into work and all the networking, conference and social side, basically to avoid coming home, started a friendship with a much younger woman that he hid from me and lied about. He definitely crossed a line with her in my view in terms of texting her at weekends (nothing sexual), emailing her about about non-work stuff and signing off with kisses, inviting her to accompany him to networking events, giving her lifts to conferences and not ever mentioning it to me. He later admitted he fancied her but swears nothing physical happened. I still have niggling doubts about that but he’s now cut her out.

He put everything down to struggling to adapt to baby number three, and needing escapism and an ego boost. We did couples counselling which was helpful and brought us closer together for a while and we’ve been getting along pretty well recently, but things just aren’t the same.

I just feel like something has broken that can’t be fixed. It’s not our whole relationship though, just a part of it, but compared with our previously great relationship it just feels a bit substandard and I feel sad and angry at DH for doing this to what was a really happy family. I really want to forgive him and move on and be happy again, but I just can’t. I’ve seen a side of him thatI despise and have zero respect for and it’s tainted my overall picture of him. I just don’t see him in the same way.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break my family up because of my inability to let go...yes, he was an absolute shit, but this was one period during a 15 year happy relationship where he’s been a fantastic partner and Dad. But at the same time, I don’t know whether I can spend the rest of my life in this slightly weaker but not dreadful marriage knowing that it will never be the same as it was before. Will things ever get better?

He wouldn't be losing everything.

You're right, nobody is infallible. And there's no such thing as monsters. But everything in life has its own natural consequences - whatever our intentions may have been - and sometimes we can't reverse them, we just have to adapt to them.

If you end the relationship because it's broken down and you need to act in your own best interests that's not some kind of punishment you're dishing out. I really think you need to stop viewing it that way for your own sake.

I do find it curious you still put consideration of any pain he might experience so high up your priorities when he didn't appear to come close to reciprocating that for you. Not in the sense that I think you shouldn't care about others, but more with a question of who is going to prioritise you here? And how much would it take for you to give yourself the same level of consideration?

I love her but she doesn’t enhance my life at all
😮😮😮
Everything and everyone that you truly love enhances your life.

Fuck me. Anyone who said that about one of my children would be gone.

Lose everything? If you divorce him will you move you and the kids to Outer Mongolia after kneecapping him, burning all of his possessions and getting him sacked from work?

Or would it mean he has to wash his own pants, live in a slightly worse house and see his children a bit less often but be in sole charge when he does have them while having the freedom to shag any young lady who will have him without you snooping and spoiling it?

I love her but she doesn’t enhance my life at all

Yeah well being up to my elbows in puke and shit and trying to heal a body that had grown and produced another human with minimal sleep didn't enhance my life either. But did I fuck off and ignore my baby? No.

Tell him that OP.

And when you kick him out tell him 'I love you but you don't enhance my life at all.'

I'm sure he'll understand.

OP please put yourself first - I hope your NHS counselling on your own becomes available quickly and does you the world of good ... I was on the fence until I read your post about him only starting to love the new baby when she started to enhance his life. He is selfish .You on the other hand sound like a thorough decent person . Good luck with whatever you decide ...but remember ...you only get one life and your children learn their own behaviour from the family dynamics ... would this treatment be good enough for your children ?

Why do you think you need to forgive him, to me what he has done is just terrible. I would be beyond hurt and unable to live with someone who was so callous about my child.

You wouldn't be breaking up your family because you couldn't 'let go', it seems to me he broke the family already by his immature actions, somethings cannot be fixed.

In answer to your question, because he’s a cunt!

That’s not remorse. That’s not ‘at a time you were vulnerable and our newborn baby needed care , you were there for her and I let you both down enormously. Thank you for carrying the parenting load for me, thank you for forgiving me, I wish I could forgive myself for letting you go through one of life’s difficult stages worse than on your own , because you were married and I was horrible to you.

I don’t know op. During that period he betrayed your marriage. I would have to talk to him about how can I know he will be there for me when I’m old? How can I know he will be there for our children if they have difficulties when at the single most helpless time of her life he abandoned our daughter? How can I know he won’t have to put himself first and leave me to drown at an incredibly vulnerable time? He should know you look at him differently. Because you want to get out now rather than nursing him through old age if when the shit hits the fan he has to put himself first ‘for once’ (for the hundred thousandth time really)

You have confused sorrow at getting caught with sorrow for what he did.

He himself is making it quite clear that he is not sorry for doing it, only for the hassle getting caught has caused him.

Tell you what, OP. If you do manage to get over this brace yourself for the teenage years. Because they are generally not very life-enhancing. Is he going to throw another strop then when his children become less than amusing and charming and leave you to pick up the pieces on your own - again.

From what you have described this man has absolutely no insight into how bloody awful he was to you and his child. If he did have insight, you might be closer to getting back on track again.

I couldn't forgive that either OP. And I think when they do something that makes us look at them differently, it's broken and likely to not be fixable. He did this to your marriage, not you.

He put everything down to struggling to adapt to baby number three, and needing escapism and an ego boost

Hmmm wouldn't be nice if we could all disappear to fucking la-la land when we don't feel like participating in reality anymore

I would have lost all respect for him after that, so I'm not surprised you feel the way you do.

I've just read your updates. I think I could forgive my husband for being shit to me - every relationship goes through ups and downs, and newborns are a massive stressor. I would find it much harder to forgive him pretty much missing the first year of his daughters life because she didnt 'enhance' his. No newborn ever enhanced any parents life but they still look after them because they've got a duty to. Considering the care of his newborn purely in terms of what's in it for him, seems extraordinary selfish, as does 'putting himself first' at a time when everyone puts the baby first.

Agree with other posters saying why are you thinking about whether he deserves it or not. Breaking up with someone isn't a moral judgement on their behaviour and a punishment for the hurt they caused you. No one really 'deserves' a marriage breakdown. But people do deserve to be in a truthful and happy relationship and if it's not working then it's not working...if you can't forgive him or forget his behaviour despite giving it a good shot, it's not on you to stick it out in a relationship you dont want to be in just because you don't see his behaviour as deserving of the punishment of a break up. People break up for all sorts of reasons - they fall out or love, drift apart, cant agree on things. It doesnt mean anyone was to blame.

But from a moral standpoint in any case having an affair (even an emotional one) and being horrible to your spouse for a year is pretty much breaking your marriage vows and therefore deserving of a break up, even if they are subsequently sorry

This is one of the very few times I feel lucky that my stbxh was so consistently nasty, and that I let him be for so long. It left no doubt.

Pretend to toss a coin.

Heads you stay.

Tails you get HIM to go.

And the answer is

See. Now you know a bit more.

He was a great partner for 13 years?
But so were you, and he was STILL able to treat you badly. Not just for a few days or a few weeks, but months. Stacks of them.

But from a moral standpoint in any case having an affair (even an emotional one) and being horrible to your spouse for a year is pretty much breaking your marriage vows
Not only this but at one of your most vulnerable periods and when there was a baby who needed constant love and care. I think I’d have to have my turn of checking out of the marriage for a period to decide what I want. I could never neglect my children but I would have to tell him I’m unable as a wife. Unlike when he wasn’t there for me, I would support our children, and I wouldn’t be a dick to him or look elsewhere romantically, but he would have to negotiate fair parenting and not rely on me for any support. My non parenting time is mine, and we can talk in a few months.

What a massive sense of entitlement he has. While he was ‘enhancing’ his life by lying and cheating with OW, he treated you and his own sweet baby like garbage. That is beyond despicable and is, to me, unforgivable.

He didn’t have a crisis. He had the opportunity to have an affair and he intentionally created distance between you to justify it. He was more than willing to treat all of you with contempt as he prioritized OW.

OP, this man is not truly remorseful. He still believes that he was entitled to his year long enhancements. You know what he is capable of, so trust him at your own peril. I would have already ended the marriage.

I couldn't forgive that.

He's scum, you and your children deserve better.

You feel like this because he broke something.

If he has got over his depression and rebellion and is back to the person he always was? It was a blip of a year in an otherwise good marriage?

Honestly, as a divorced person I would accept it.

Accept that something got broken, accept that you are profoundly hurt and accept this is your new 'way of being'. Because whether you are married or divorced this is your new way of being (innocent trust and faith in eachother as a unit) is gone

This is the sad thing. Men DO feel depressed and overwhelmed and feeling like life is one endless grind of providing for others and nobody understands their struggle, BECAUSE OFTEN IT IS.

But they are so fucking destructive about the way they act that out. His reasons fantasy, someone boosting my ego; are genuinely the way they 'try and make it better'

By trashing the ball and chain and by extension, the children.
It is so tragic.

Perhaps in a quiet moment over a glass of wine you could tell him how he broke something,
but if I were you I would focus on you now: friendships, children, hobbies, increasing work opportunities, saving ££ and investments. Get tougher and more independent.

I feel like you are pressuring yourself to forgive something that, to me, is utterly unforgivable.

I'm not quite sure if this is what the poster above is saying, but I'd get your ducks in order. If you don't have a career/work, look at actively becoming more financially independent of him. Focus on yourself and putting yourself in a strong position, if you're not already (just saying that because with three kids it can be difficult to be in that position). Don't think about your relationship, focus on you and the kids.

Then see how you feel.

I agree 100% with the people saying you were the one having a crisis. He's callous and continues to be because he thinks he was justified. I'm not sure anybody who reads what he said about his 3rd child (so he knew the score with babies) wouldn't be appalled, even if they're not fans of babies themselves.

I am saying Radical Acceptance.

ie. he broke something. Accept it.

But you can also accept that he DID feel trapped and pressurised by all his responsibility and all the people dependent on him (as someone else pointed out, amazing how we carry on being the adults) which is why he did what he did.
So accept the disillusionment.

Now: focus on your self. Being more independent, having a more separate life, not looking to him so much, friends, sport, hobbies, income.

Use this pain (that divorce doesn't solve) to grow as a person.

‘I love her but she doesn’t enhance my life at all’.
I actually thought it was salvageable until I read this.
Anyone who would speak about their child like this would be getting the boot so fast their head would spin.