Why can’t I forgive my husband?

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

So we’ve had a shit past couple of years. We’ve been together for 15 years and married almost 10 years. Three children. We’ve had a great relationship mainly...a few ups and downs, been through some tough stuff but always stood by each other and came through still smiling.

But two years ago I was pregnant with our third child after a six year gap between kids. She was planned but DH changed his mind way too late into my pregnancy. He became quite unpleasant to me at a time when I needed his support and things got worse after our baby was born. He basically withdrew from family life, rejected our daughter, was vile to me and made me feel like a complete failure of a mother, started drinking too much and went to the pub instead of coming home, threw himself into work and all the networking, conference and social side, basically to avoid coming home, started a friendship with a much younger woman that he hid from me and lied about. He definitely crossed a line with her in my view in terms of texting her at weekends (nothing sexual), emailing her about about non-work stuff and signing off with kisses, inviting her to accompany him to networking events, giving her lifts to conferences and not ever mentioning it to me. He later admitted he fancied her but swears nothing physical happened. I still have niggling doubts about that but he’s now cut her out.

He put everything down to struggling to adapt to baby number three, and needing escapism and an ego boost. We did couples counselling which was helpful and brought us closer together for a while and we’ve been getting along pretty well recently, but things just aren’t the same.

I just feel like something has broken that can’t be fixed. It’s not our whole relationship though, just a part of it, but compared with our previously great relationship it just feels a bit substandard and I feel sad and angry at DH for doing this to what was a really happy family. I really want to forgive him and move on and be happy again, but I just can’t. I’ve seen a side of him thatI despise and have zero respect for and it’s tainted my overall picture of him. I just don’t see him in the same way.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break my family up because of my inability to let go...yes, he was an absolute shit, but this was one period during a 15 year happy relationship where he’s been a fantastic partner and Dad. But at the same time, I don’t know whether I can spend the rest of my life in this slightly weaker but not dreadful marriage knowing that it will never be the same as it was before. Will things ever get better?

No wonder you have not been able to forgive him, he sounds like a complete sociopath.

He abandoned you and his children at a time when you needed him most, and even now is still making excuses for his appalling behaviour.

As with most others, I would suggest leaving him as he does not sound like a good person. Even if you don't think so for yourself, surely you can see that your children deserve better than a parent who believes putting themselves first is more important than their children?

But I get the sad impression from your updates that you don't have any intention of leaving him. You are still defending him and putting his 'crisis' above the needs of you and your children, so all I feel I can do now is wish you the best, and I hope that one day for your own sake you can forgive him.

'I love her but she doesn't enhance my life at all.'

What a pompous, self-absorbed, thoughtless bellend.

I love her but she doesn’t enhance my life at all

Fuck me, even with everything else out of the equation this would have been it for me. What a selfish bastard. It's one thing to think that but to then even say it to aloud, to the little one's other parent... unreal.

In your position I would think long and hard about leaving. Will it be much better out there, I'm not so sure. You love him less, but you are also far less vulnerable as now you know what you are dealing with. He can also sense your distance and strength so will be far less likely to do it again. People treat you as badly as they think they can get away with, sad to say. My own DH loves me far more when I love him less.
I don't leave, mainly financial reasons but also we get on well, have a good life and the kids are happy. Who is the say I would meet anyone better and I prefer this life to being on my own and poorer. Certainly for now anyway. In retirement who knows

Your post made me so so sad for you and my heart really goes out to you.

The worst bit it he took what you had and broke it - it's irreversibly changed. Acceptance of that must be incredibly hard. The frealisation/feeling that you cannot rely on the person who is supposed to love and care for you is devastating.

I agree with others who suggest not to rush anything at this stage but to focus on yourself and start creating options /savings and building a network separate to your DH. I would however be calling him out on any further poor behaviour and I'd be challenging his awful comments and caveats because it sounds like he still doesn't really get what he did to you.

@Sushiroller

Best. post. ever.

It's simple really. You can't forgive him because he isn't sorry. He may well have said he is, but he's only sorry for himself and the effect his behaviour has had on him. He doesn't care less about the effect it's had on you and your children beyond how your upset affects him.

OP. It is not just that he was only interested in his own needs. The problem is he can’t even admit to himself what they are or that they trump everything else. If you knew what he wanted for himself and were ok with that then there would be a chance.

He doesn’t know what he wants or why. He is a liability and a threat to your security and peace of mind.

@PersephoneOP, it’s not that I have no intention of leaving him...I honestly feel that it could still go either way. But I am not the kind of person to throw away a 15 year marriage and break up a family (yes, I know it’s him who did the damage not me, but I feel like the final decision is with me) without exploring all other options first. It’s a last resort and I just haven’t reached that point yet. It’s not just about me...there are three young children to consider (yes, I know he didn’t consider them when he checked out but that doesn’t mean I have to stoop to those levels) and this will shape the rest of their childhoods. And they are such happy kids. It would knock the stuffing out of them. My oldest knew I was unhappy when we were going through this time and saw me crying a few times, but we’ve moved past that. As I said, on a family level we’re happy and he’s a good Dad (aside from rejecting his baby )

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things and it’s been really helpful getting different perspectives, but I need to do what resonates most with me at this time. And right now it’s detaching myself from him, strengthening my own independence but not rushing into anything just yet.

I was once pretty much in your position. DH decided when I was heavily pregnant with planned baby 3 he'd changed his mind. We separated for 6 months and he was an absolute shit. And certainly had sex with other women before changing his mind and wanting the children and I back. We tried again and limped on for a further 3 years whilst I, like you, detached myself and decided I would never be that vulnerable again. In the end there just wasn't enough left between us to cope with the damage he'd done. I couldn't respect anyone who treated people like that and I just ended up feeling he was a bit of a sad tosser and I was worth more. When I watch Love Actually and see how Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman are still together at the end it is clear that their relationship is just always that little bit shittier because of him and she'll never feel the way she used to about him.

@Timeforanotherchange, funnily enough I was watching Love Actually just the other night and thought the same. I think in a weird way it was what led me to posting. Something she said...”what would you do in my position? Would you cut your losses and leave, or would you stay knowing that life would always be that bit worse?” It got me

Sorry for what you went through and thanks for sharing.

Your feelings on him remind me of Demelza's amazing speech to Ross after his affair with Elizabeth

It always makes me feel better to hear her ream him out.

Yes, that does reflect my feelings quite accurately. I thought he was a better man than he’s shown himself to be. And the man he’s shown himself to be is right down there with the scum of the earth. It’s a hard thing to accept along with dealing with the hurt caused by the actual betrayal and mistreatment.

Are you sure it would knock the stuffing out of your children? A lot is in the presentation and in the contact. Loads of people have a parent who works away a lot or who lives separately. You might be projecting your feelings about separation onto them.

I'm in a similar situation and found your post. What happened in the end @CoffeeChocolateWine ?

Well, I think the BIG question is, how he would handle a crisis next time round?
Would he then also feel that betraying yiur trust was somehow OK because he needed to be "selfish" and needed an escape.

Because shit might hit thr fan again ans then what? Will he use the same "coping strategies " or has he worked on himself?

It's a bit of a joke that he's showing remorse for his behaviour and justifying it at the same time in one sentence.

We all make "mistakes", the question is how do we stop ourselves from.doing them.again???

A much younger woman! Grim

So hang on a sec. By “putting himself first,” - just so I’m clear- he means flirting with/ having an emotional affair with another woman,
not, oh, say, being with the woman he loves and the woman he married?

putting himself first for once means, essentially, cheating?

I wouldn’t be able to forgive him, either.

he’s shown you who he is. And who he is,
Is completely self-absorbed and apparently able to say the nastiest things (“she doesn’t enhance my life”) without any conscience.

does he ever notice anything that isn’t about him? He sounds disgusting.

It sounds like a wobble. A blip in your marriage.

It sounds like he had his head turned by someone else that fizzled out. I would take what he says at face value.

Is this really worth ending your marriage over?

Focus on now. And the future? How does this look? Is he back to normal now?

I'd explore more counselling before ending the marriage.

Hi @Bulkypeepants. It surprised me to see this thread active again.

Sorry to hear you are going through something similar now. It ranks down there as one of the lowest times of my life and led to quite a long period of depression.

In terms of what happened, well...we are still together but things aren't the same between us as they used to be. But they can't be really...you can't go through something like that and then go back to how things were. I've not fully forgiven, it will never be forgotten, but we've moved on.

Shortly after I started this thread the pandemic hit and it actually gave me something else to focus on other than the dismal state of my marriage. In a very weird way, it actually helped my mental health as I really had to force myself to focus on positive things and help the kids deal with it. As a couple and a unit we managed the lockdowns really well and our little bubble was a happy one. He reminded of the rock he could be and that whole difficult time brought us much closer together.

But I have had to make changes to my life to strengthen my position and independence from him. I was working freelance at the time and I'm now in a permanent job to give me financial security, I have focused on friendships much more than I used to - the same friends but a much stronger circle, and I have learned to fill my life with other things I enjoy. I feel like if my marriage went through another crisis, I would be in a much stronger position to walk away if that's what I choose to do. My most harrowing memory of that time was the feeling of being stuck because I didn't have the funds or security or people to turn to for help.

In terms of our relationship, we have a lot of ups and downs. As a family, we're pretty happy and the kids are happy, we are a good team and project manage family life well. On a couple level, it's ok but not great and sometimes it's shit. There isn't a time when we argue that the memories of that time come flooding back and I do sometimes find myself wondering where I'd be now if I'd left and whether I would be happier.

But he came back to us and for the most part tries his best to be the best husband and father he can be. He still has a selfish streak but I just make sure I balance it by being selfish for myself once in a while and feeling zero guilt about it! But the truth is that I can't help but care less about him and our marriage than I used to. And I know that doesn't bode well for 'forever', but it's something I live with for now.

Wow, thanks for such an in depth response. It's hard isn't it? I feel like I'm in the same boat as you except you said you've 'not forgotten but moved on'. I haven't moved on, and I bring up our previous issues in every argument. It feels like it doesn't matter how many apologies I get, it doesn't take away the fact that I was treated so badly for so long, including during my pregnancy which I very much struggled with.

Do you ever think that couples counselling would help in your situation? Maybe you have gone down that route already. It's a dilemma for me as I feel ultimately it would be helpful but I'm not in the right mental space to hear my shortcomings after everything I was put through by my husband. As much as the old cliche of 'there's two sides to every story' can be easily banded around, I refuse to accept that that is the case for me (perhaps that's rather stubborn on my part).